Update: I now wish I were dead

[Princess777]

Well, my husband and I went to counseling together last night actually for the first time. I guess you could say I have mixed emotions afterward, including wanting to die..... I got the impression that he's basically tired of not being trusted, and I can pretty much say that I don't trust him and I know that is bad..... it's hard to build that with someone with his past, combined with my past. I wish I were dead. I cannot seem to find happiness in myself and I know that is the key..... I just want to thank everyone for listening, that's all.

[buffalosoldier]

Princess,

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through. I wish that there was something i could say,or a magic wand to wave to make it all better for you.-Coz if i could, i would.

 

I think the fact that you both went to counselling at least means something. To me that says that there is something inside of both of you that wants to heal this relationship and make it the best that it can be. Can i ask,has it always been like this? was he different in the beginning?

Counselling is good because you can both get things off your chest and be completely honest.I think that this has happened,but that you are not happy with what you have managed to gather from that honesty.

 

One thing that sort of shocked me was the name calling.I dont think that is called for in any situation. If you are both really willing to work on this,then i think that the both of you need to perhaps sit down and think honestly about how you could change things for the best, and honestly evaluate the way that you treat each other. Even if you dont like what you are being told,i think some home thruths need to come out. You sound like you were shocked when the counsellar said about you leading your husband to it..now i really really dont want to offend you in any way,but try and listen to this.I think it could have been said in a better way than this,but then you dont want things to be sugar-coated.

 

I think ultimately,just from reading your post that you sound generally exausted all round,and especially with regard to your relationship. Do something for yourself for a change,the relationship can wait,if its worth it. I really think you need to take some time out to love yourself aswell,you and your mind and body seem to be getting lost in this equation somewhere

 

Good luck,keep me posted xx *hugs and kisses*

[Ash]

First of all, do you really wish you weren't around any more? Or do you really just wish things were different. If things were different, you'd be okay. Right? What you have to do then is start having some positive influence on your environment. You can do that. Don't give up, not yet. You're going through an awful lot at the moment, you've written about the difficulties with your husband. Difficulties that most of us don't have to deal with.

 

Can you get away for a couple of days, say this weekend? It really sounds like the two of you could use a couple of days alone each. I think you need to be in a place for a little while where you only have to be concerned about you, not about what he's up to, trying to communicate with him, feeling the stress when you think he might be upset, all those things. Just for a bit, to catch your breath. It sounds like he's saying he could use a bit of time too. Viewed in this way, although sleeping on the couch is not very comfortable, it's okay to do it. Don't let the fact you've spent the odd night or two not in the same bed really upset you. It's okay to be that way once in a while. You needed some space, you took it. What's wrong with that?

 

If you want to vent, or write a sob story (as you call it, I call it unloading) you know I'm just on the other end of a PM. And it's okay if you do it to the board as a whole. It's a big part of why we're all here.

 

Truthfully, I think your counsellor messed up badly. She has ended up with you certainly, and him possibly in a worse state of mind than when you walked in there. That's not right. She's misread something, misunderstood the situation. Going into a session in the was you did, and having her give you the hard line stuff just doesn't seem to cut it, does it?

 

Think of it this way, you go to a therapy session, and come back wanting to end it all. Have you ever felt that way due to the general consensus of the members of this board? I can't see where you have. Regardless of what she says, you have to trust yourself to know what works for you and what doesn't to some extent. When my wife and I went to therapy years ago, I quit going because I just got tired of the therapist, and some of the dumb things that popped out of his head.

 

Hang in there Princess, things will get better. Take a few deep breaths, get your feet back under you and let's think about what your next steps are. Ok?

[avman]

The first few counseling sessions are going to be very painful. Your therapist isn't there to take sides. A good one won't tell you that you're right and he's wrong. That only leads the other person to shut down which defeats the whole point of counseling. Counseling is about getting you both to open up and see the others point of view.

 

Give it some more time. Counseling isn't a quick fix solution. It takes weeks and months. Not days. A single visit will not tell you the ultimate outcome of the counseling sessions. And in the first few sessions when you are both airing your grievances it might seem to get a bit worse. But its important to start talking about those problems you have buried under all the resentment. Otherwise there is no way to resolve them.

 

I disagree that the counselor has "messed up" thusfar. They may be playing a bit of devils advocate to get you to see a new point of view. Give it a little more time. If in a couple more weeks both you and your husband are unhappy with the counselor then find a new one. There are many to choose from and some people's style just works better depending on the situation.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Take a little break from the hurt and do something nice for yourself. See how the next counseling session goes.

 

avman

[Ash]

Yes, avman's right. I jumped on things a bit too hard there. If you can, give the counselling more time.

 

I did think it was more normal for the counsellor to pretty much listen the first session though. Keep faith in the fact that ultimately the counselling should help, even if the outcome seems to be a scenario you would rather not happen. It's also tricky in that she has to be there for both of you, and if there's conflict, trying to help both simultaneously can be difficult.

[vfunkera]

hey Princess777,

 

You helped me out on my first few posts here (i never forgot), and now that you have a problem i insist in helping you out. Only problem is that i'm too late! Alot has already been mentioned by some very intelligent people here, so i don't want to repeat myself.

 

But as Buffullo said you do sound very exhausted, so by reading this i hope it will inspire you and give you the reassurance that things can only get better. Without rain there will be no sun, and without pain, there will be no joy. Princess after the nights the the sun comes up the bright day will start. You've just got to hold your head up, handle this these problems in a mature and productive manner (which you are doing through councelling) and the better days will arrive very soon. Life is hard, and nothing good comes for free, so don't fall now.

 

I hope we have all helped and i will pray for you tonight, Good luck

[Princess777]

Thank you all so much for your replies and kind thoughts..... I assure you I appreciate it and read each one thoroughly. Thank you again very much for all of your help. *hugs*

[avman]

Hello again,

 

Be careful about drawing too many conclusions from that first counseling session. Its really tough when all those hurts come out. Don't put up your defenses or the counseling isn't going to work at all.

 

You are caving because of the stress and then you will be silent during the counseling sessions. Thats not going to work. You need to speak up and talk about what hurts you, what needs aren't being met, what you want out of the relationship. He needs to do the same. Only then will you have a healthy relationship. If you start shutting down you can kiss the marriage goodbye. You'll be miserable and resentful.

 

Counseling isn't about changing you or your partner into a different person. Its about understanding each other. Then you might work at making small changes to try to get closer together. Then maybe a bit larger changes. Do not read more into this than there really is.

 

Give it time Princess. I know you want the hurt to be over immediately, but it takes time. And it will take movement from BOTH of you. You can't have a relationship all by yourself. And by trying to take all the responsibility for things thats exactly what you are doing.

 

Hang in there!!! We're rooting for you.

 

avman