Will he come back? In PAIN

[motorgrl]

i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 10 years older too.

 

I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind.

 

He took a break from me over a month ago for about a week..he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore.

 

He came back and we got back together. I promised myself i would let alot of things go for atleast the summer and try to repair some damage. He is taking a trip in the summer without me..a bike trip for two weeks. I knew he was going and it was kind of settled but it still bothered me and i wanted to do discuss it a little further and it led to an argument. I did say i don't know if i will be able to handle you going away for two weeks. I guess if i can't handle it, maybe its for the best. He being completely became distant for a week even after even i tried to drop it and was being nice to him on the phone, saying i love you at night.

 

One day we had an off day and kept missing each other's call. At night i had about two drinks and started feeling sad. I sent him afrown text messages saying say something nice and he didn't respond for awhile so i sent a frown face due to the fact i had been drinking and then he finally wrote something nice and i wrote you aren't nice. I didn't really write anything too bad..i think i was just sort of looking for some attention because it wasn't there that past week and also because i was drinking that night

 

he writes so and so is here. I will call you in a little bit. I was a little upset, almost crying..and i called him after getting the message and i said i haven't spoken to you all day etc etc.

 

I wish i never did that night but i just started feeling sad

 

He broke it off that night and i was very upset. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions and said i just felt sad and that maybe this trip will be good for you and afterwards things will be a lot better.

 

He didn't respond. 2 days later i write to him the things i wish i would have did and what we should have done and i wrote i truly didn't feel like i wanted it over because of the trip, it just hurt me knowing you wanted to go away without me and i wish i would have realized sooner it may be something you needed and was really important to you. And that i wish i did this and this to make him a little happier and i am sorry for making you feel this way.

 

He wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain really. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it.

 

He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.

 

 

I feel like all this just equals: I am tired of you.

 

I called saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. That was a week ago. I am leaving him alone now.

 

To me--its a little confusing. You can't speak to me to give me final closure and you are telling me we will?

 

I know its pathetic but it makes me hope maybe he needs time to think and see i really put myself out there and i am asking him what can we do together to make you happier. Even if he took the summer to think, it makes me hope maybe he didn't want to speak right away because he is thinking about changing his mind or showing how serious he is....but this may be a huge false hope after the texts he sent.

 

I blame myself for losing him and I see everything clearly now. And i don't know how to live with this regret. If i backed away from being controlling or from picking stupid fights, i believe he would have stayed.

 

My friends and family said he could have communicated with you better in the past rather than jumping to end it and. He could have sat you down and said this and this needs to be changed ASAP or else there won't be a relationship to save. It really bothers me and its making me not want to be here and i won't be able to if it continues and then ask if there is something he can be doing for me. They said he had to have had some faults and some things he did or didn't do making you feel a little insecure.

 

Some also think he knows he was your first everything and he could have held your hand more figuratively speaking. They said even with the trip if he saw i didn't like it, he could have came home with flowers and said look i will call you every day, every night.

 

He said you have nothing to worry about and he didn't believe two weeks was a big deal..friends and family said he could have did a little more and he didn't make me feel ok with certain things and it is his fault as well for not communicating or saying this has to be changed and i can't bend on this issue anymore.

 

and maybe i never expected him to leave because anytime the subject would come up, it didn't happen because he knew i wanted to be with him and work on things.

 

 

i wish he would come back....i really miss him and have so much regret. I feel like if he calls soon, then its over..but if he calls a month from now---maybe he didn't want to give me closure and just needed time to think.....People say stop blaming everything on yourself but its hard not to.

 

 

All of this above happened 2 months ago.

 

 

I have not contacted him at all since he said he was not up for talking now and since he wanted it over even though i sent him all the texts i wrote to him in my above post.

 

It turns out my ex called my friends boyfriend the night before he was leaving for a trip(we broke up before i knew specifically the date he was leaving)

 

My ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him.

 

My friend called me saying my ex called her b/f during the day. Her boyfriend missed the call because he was at work and called back when my friend and her boyfriend were together.

 

My boyfriend went on a 2 week trip with a few people..it was a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happened

 

she thinks its a sign of him wanting to get back together..she said why would he call him? she thinks he called just to get some information about me because he is not used to not hearing from me...my friend said its also weird how he spoke about the trip and him leaving this weekend and mentioning 2 of them backed out..almost like he is saying it isnt going to be this big party that i was thinking

 

He is probably back from his trip about a week now and he still has not contacted me

 

I feel really in limbo..i am very confused about him calling the night before he was leaving....also--i have a few odds and ends at his place..nothing that can't be replaced of course but still a few things...sadly this is making me believe maybe he just needs time and it isn't completely over

 

he isn't bitter with me or angry where he would just throw my things out--i know he isn't like that...

 

i just don't know if i should contact him to get some reaction from him...mention my things and say so and so can pick it up or have my friends b/f call to speak to him

 

or just continue doing nothing

 

its hard for me to stop feeling in limbo..some part still thinks it may not be over for good.

[JA42M]

I'm sorry. I've been in a similar situation and I know how much it hurts.

 

It was right of you to back off for a bit to give him space. If he asked about you, it means that he still cares about you, but not necessarily that he wants to get back together with you.

 

I feel as though if he really wanted to get back into the relationship he would probably have tried to do so, but then again, I don't know him. Do you think he needs an opening from you?

 

Have you contacted him at all since, even to ask how things have been for him? It may seem awkward for him to start talking to you out of the blue after ending things...

[motorgrl]

hey there,

 

thanks for writing =)

 

no i have not contacted him...he wrote me that text message two months ago after i left a voice mail upset about things being done through text messaging and i just wanted to speak to get closure..to which he wrote saying he wasn't up for speaking right now but we will, im sorry

 

that was 2 months ago and he called my friends boyfriend before the trip which was a month ago and now i think he has been back for a week or a little more and still hasn't done anything

 

i cried on the phone when he ended it, texted him immediately that night and over the next 2 days and when he finally responded i texted back saying i wish we can figure something out together about what could make you happier etc etc...i really put myself out there and when i called upset asking for closure he texted me saying he wasn't up for speaking...so i left him alone

 

i'm very confused..one part thought well my friend said i was alright when he asked about me so maybe he thinks i am over it..but my friend said that was a very neutral answer she thought--she didn't say i was good or doing great, and she didn't say i was crying either..besides he could think well her friend is trying to protect her and doesnt want to say oh she misses you so much and he shouldnt read into "im alright" as a reason not to call

 

 

a few people say its pathetic to contact him with any message saying i miss you etc..because he is the one who ended it knowing i wanted him to stay

 

my friends b/f says he is willing to call him to ask him how the trip went and maybe try to mention me missing him or asking something about me

 

 

i dont know if it is a good idea or to text him something saying it seems like you are happier without me because you probably would have contacted me by now if you werent and if you still have so and so at your place i need it back. So and so is willing to pick it up

 

the only thing is..my friend says i need to prepared to hear the worst..he may just respond by saying im sorry i didnt call you back, i didn't want to hurt you more and they can pick up your things if you want

 

my friend said maybe you shouldn't make things so easy for him and not give him that slight satisfaction and to just forget your things

[CatsMeeoow]

Relationships are definitely very hard...

 

But, remember part of loving someone is letting them have the space to explore things they like... the bike trip... It's not like he did this every month... this was something special and important to him... Maybe other than saying "I'm not sure I do 2 weeks without you" you should have said "I hope you take your camera I'd love to see views of X"

 

I mean you are with someone for 3 years and you can't go 2 weeks while they are gone? It sounds a bit obessive and clingy and your guy probably just had enough...

 

Give it some time - if it's been a couple of months NC then I see no reason to chat him up and ask to see pics of his bike trip... but unless you take some time to establish yourself and your identity then you'll be right back at the same spats.

 

Good Luck

[motorgrl]

well the trip is a whole different issue..the place he was going to was considered one huge party, girls going topless etc etc...i just felt very bad about a boyfriend telling he was going and not even discussing it..i deserved more consideration after three years and even my family and friends said he could have went about it differently--coming home with flowers..something..rather than blowing it off saying two weeks is no big deal..alot of people i know think its inappropriate in a way after that long of time being with the person to go off on vacation as easily as he wanted to..and a big part of me feels the very same way

 

regardless of that though..i just miss him a great deal..and i feel its crazy for me to call him up like nothing happened, asking to see his vacation photos--obviously he wouldnt show me pictures of the hotbartenders there or girls going topless etc etc...

 

i just don't know if i should get it overwith and text him...or hear what other people are saying---that he is the one who said we will speak (and my ex was usually one to keep his word and i still believe him), he ended it knowing i must be very hurt over it..and for me to contact him yet again just to get some response from him is giving him more than he deserves right now...

[pumpkinmoon]

Sorry to read what you are going through. Personally, and I may get a bad reaction from some posters for saying this but I do not think it is acceptable for people in relationships to expect to take holidays with friends. Not because of trust issues but because I think that if that is what they want to do then they should continue with single life until they get things like this out of their system.

 

I would never dream of arranging a holiday with mates whilst in a relationship.

[motorgrl]

i feel the same way and alot of people i know feel the same way..and maybe they would be ok with it depending on the type of vacation it entails--i.e. more of a sight seeing trip with a tour or something along those lines.

 

despite that..he called my friends b/f the night before his trip..so he went and probably had a good time and now is back more than a week and probably went out this weekend

 

and i just feel in limbo..even with the texts he wrote--i need to make myself happy before i can make u happy..i really do miss you but im just not able to continue doing this..him calling my friends boyfriend right before he leaves..it just makes it confusing..if you are done with me--don't call someone you never called before the night before you are leaving to ask how i am..and with my few things still being there..it just makes me feel it isnt over but i hate not knowing

 

and i dont know if i should get it overwith and text him something along the lines of "i guess i should assume you are happier without me and if you still have this and this at your place, i need it back. So and so can pick it up" and see what his response is..

 

a few of my friends and even some family say he doesn't derserve another text message--he should be contacting you...they said now you have to text message to even get your things back or to know if its totally over?

[motorgrl]

i want him back but i don't know if he derserves a text like that and even to get my things so back so i know for sure its over

 

maybe letting him wonder about me will make him wonder or miss me more...

 

 

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

motorgrl...DONT text him.

 

He dumped you, if he wants you back he will contact you.

 

What will texting him achieve?

[motorgrl]

well my text would not be of the nature i texted after the break up..it would more about getting a response from him to know if it is truly over for good b/c he said we will speak and nothing has occurred so far

 

i was thinking of it being"i guess i should assume you are happier without me and if you still have so and so things, i need it back. So and so(my girlfriend the boyfriend whom my ex called) can pick it up

 

by this i guess he would have to tell me something that would let me know its over for good and i can stop being in limbo

 

or just continue waiting it out and hope my feelings of confusion pass if he doesn't call soon.

[dreamguy]

If you really need your stuff back then just text: "Hi, I hope you are ok. If you still have so and so things, i need it back. X can pick it up. Take care."

 

Leave the "i guess i should assume you are happier without me" part out of the equation. It will not get you the answer you are seeking. If anything, it will only confirm that you still haven't moved on and it will give him an ego boost.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree. Don't text him anything like that. In his mind now it is over and you need to accept that right now. Nothing you can say or do with change his mind, it will only push him further away. Get your stuff back ASAP, this is a mistake I made last time. I realise that you are scared to get your things back because that will prove that it is over for good, and yeah maybe it is over for good but it's just stuff, the only thing getting your stuff back will change is the location of the stuff, nothing else. It wont make a difference to whether he may come back in the future.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I agree with the above, DONT text him.

 

Its just a way of maintaining contact...and he'll know it.

 

Just let it go...its just 'stuff'

[motorgrl]

i am undecided

 

but with him calling my friend's bf right before leaving and my stuff being there and him saying we will speak..i feel in limbo and i just want out

 

and i feel like probably knows whether or not he wants to try again by now..and if he doesnt..why put off a phone call for just closure a few months later

 

i truly don't believe he is just going to keep my stuff and never contact me again

 

if i send a text message then i will know and then the contact between him and i are over after that

 

if you were in my position you would be able to move on feeling like there was no closure and your things were still there?

[motorgrl]

would a text message like that really boost his ego? i am basically saying i am pretty much assuming its over and i will get my closure by having my friends pick up my things..obviously he feels slightly otherwise, now would be the time to say something because i can't wait any longer

 

it can appear something like "i understand that you want this over for good. i gave up thinking you will return my call to talk about things and if you still have so and so and anything else i had i need it back. So and so is willing to pick it up in order for me to have closure"

 

is this really bad?...it does kind of put him on the spot for a response...will this type of text just make him go along with it and say ok? wouldn't he say something positive if he knew some part of him didn't want to give closure

 

some are afraid about him responding by saying i'm sorry i didn't call, i didn't want to hurt you even more. They can pick up your things"

 

they said its a possibility he will give you some bs reason why he didnt call to make himself look ok and meanwhile he didn't have to do anything at all during this time except call my friends boyfriend--i did all the contacting and even had to ask for my stuff back in order for me to get closure.

[dreamguy]

It's not what you write that is bad per se. It's the fact that he will not give you the answer you are expecting. Dumpers rarely give dumpees a clear-cut closure. If you ask most dumpees they all had to find closure within themselves.

[motorgrl]

i just find it really weird to keep my things though..if you are totally done with me don't give mixed messages...drop the things off at a friends place

 

you think me sending that text will just get him to say ok they can pick it up without thinking twice about it?

 

my friend said when a boyfriend dumped one of her friends--that day he placed her things in a garbage and gave it to her, he made it very clear

 

i just find it odd because i know he will speak to me again...i called asking for closure wasn't up for speaking and now my things are still there

[motorgrl]

really dont know what to do..

[dreamguy]

really dont know what to do..

 

When in doubt, do nothing. Sometimes, it's that simple.

[motorgrl]

should i text him and say i realize you want this over for good and if you still have so and so there So and So can pick it up

 

is this a way to show the person i understand how you are feeling and if you have nothing positive to say, getting my things back will pretty much be the final goodbye

 

keep in mind i want him back

[GoldenHillGuy]

What does he have of yours that is that important? My ex has some rare Harley manuals that are IMPOSSIBLE to find that I spent quite a bit of money on. She was going to rebind them for me at work. I know she sees them everyday. Its not worth the trouble of asking for them back. They are replaceable.

[motorgrl]

well i know the things i have there can be replaced...its basically an excuse to get a final response, to move on if he has nothing positive to say..i guess its a way to give a window of opportunity if there is something positive he may have to say and if he doesnt i guess it shows i am taking some control of the situation and realizing i need to move on

 

my friend said it may even bother him because it maye show im trying to accept his decision and be over it

 

but ultimately i dont know if its a good move if i want him back.,...