motorgrl Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 10 years older too. I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind. He took a break from me over a month ago for about a week..he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore. He came back and we got back together. I promised myself i would let alot of things go for atleast the summer and try to repair some damage. He is taking a trip in the summer without me..a bike trip for two weeks. I knew he was going and it was kind of settled but it still bothered me and i wanted to do discuss it a little further and it led to an argument. I did say i don't know if i will be able to handle you going away for two weeks. I guess if i can't handle it, maybe its for the best. He being completely became distant for a week even after even i tried to drop it and was being nice to him on the phone, saying i love you at night. One day we had an off day and kept missing each other's call. At night i had about two drinks and started feeling sad. I sent him afrown text messages saying say something nice and he didn't respond for awhile so i sent a frown face due to the fact i had been drinking and then he finally wrote something nice and i wrote you aren't nice. I didn't really write anything too bad..i think i was just sort of looking for some attention because it wasn't there that past week and also because i was drinking that night he writes so and so is here. I will call you in a little bit. I was a little upset, almost crying..and i called him after getting the message and i said i haven't spoken to you all day etc etc. I wish i never did that night but i just started feeling sad He broke it off that night and i was very upset. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions and said i just felt sad and that maybe this trip will be good for you and afterwards things will be a lot better. He didn't respond. 2 days later i write to him the things i wish i would have did and what we should have done and i wrote i truly didn't feel like i wanted it over because of the trip, it just hurt me knowing you wanted to go away without me and i wish i would have realized sooner it may be something you needed and was really important to you. And that i wish i did this and this to make him a little happier and i am sorry for making you feel this way. He wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain really. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it. He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy. I feel like all this just equals: I am tired of you. I called saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. That was a week ago. I am leaving him alone now. To me--its a little confusing. You can't speak to me to give me final closure and you are telling me we will? I know its pathetic but it makes me hope maybe he needs time to think and see i really put myself out there and i am asking him what can we do together to make you happier. Even if he took the summer to think, it makes me hope maybe he didn't want to speak right away because he is thinking about changing his mind or showing how serious he is....but this may be a huge false hope after the texts he sent. I blame myself for losing him and I see everything clearly now. And i don't know how to live with this regret. If i backed away from being controlling or from picking stupid fights, i believe he would have stayed. My friends and family said he could have communicated with you better in the past rather than jumping to end it and. He could have sat you down and said this and this needs to be changed ASAP or else there won't be a relationship to save. It really bothers me and its making me not want to be here and i won't be able to if it continues and then ask if there is something he can be doing for me. They said he had to have had some faults and some things he did or didn't do making you feel a little insecure. Some also think he knows he was your first everything and he could have held your hand more figuratively speaking. They said even with the trip if he saw i didn't like it, he could have came home with flowers and said look i will call you every day, every night. He said you have nothing to worry about and he didn't believe two weeks was a big deal..friends and family said he could have did a little more and he didn't make me feel ok with certain things and it is his fault as well for not communicating or saying this has to be changed and i can't bend on this issue anymore. and maybe i never expected him to leave because anytime the subject would come up, it didn't happen because he knew i wanted to be with him and work on things. i wish he would come back....i really miss him and have so much regret. I feel like if he calls soon, then its over..but if he calls a month from now---maybe he didn't want to give me closure and just needed time to think.....People say stop blaming everything on yourself but its hard not to. All of this above happened 2 months ago. I have not contacted him at all since he said he was not up for talking now and since he wanted it over even though i sent him all the texts i wrote to him in my above post. It turns out my ex called my friends boyfriend the night before he was leaving for a trip(we broke up before i knew specifically the date he was leaving) My ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him. My friend called me saying my ex called her b/f during the day. Her boyfriend missed the call because he was at work and called back when my friend and her boyfriend were together. My boyfriend went on a 2 week trip with a few people..it was a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happened she thinks its a sign of him wanting to get back together..she said why would he call him? she thinks he called just to get some information about me because he is not used to not hearing from me...my friend said its also weird how he spoke about the trip and him leaving this weekend and mentioning 2 of them backed out..almost like he is saying it isnt going to be this big party that i was thinking He is probably back from his trip about a week now and he still has not contacted me I feel really in limbo..i am very confused about him calling the night before he was leaving....also--i have a few odds and ends at his place..nothing that can't be replaced of course but still a few things...sadly this is making me believe maybe he just needs time and it isn't completely over he isn't bitter with me or angry where he would just throw my things out--i know he isn't like that... i just don't know if i should contact him to get some reaction from him...mention my things and say so and so can pick it up or have my friends b/f call to speak to him or just continue doing nothing its hard for me to stop feeling in limbo..some part still thinks it may not be over for good. 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