My boyfriend is insecure

[Rabby]

I told my boyfriend yesterday that he is cute but not handsome. And he is worried that he is not my type. He is worried that If I find 100% perfect man I will leave him or cheat on him. He is worried that I'm sleeping with him just because I want to give him something and want to make him feel important not because that he is attractive.

 

I do like him at first because he is good-looking of course! He is not the most handsome guy. But he is handsome for me because I love him and he is the only one in my heart. I like him because the way he is. I love him because of everything he've done for me, and there are many things that make me know that he is the right one. I do everything for him to make him happy because I do love him. I know he is insecure and wants to be needed and feels important. he've told me that. And I have been trying to make him feel more secure. But I don't think that appearance is the big deal.

 

I'm a very loyal, and honest person. I never lie even it would make anyone feel great. May be that is my problem?

 

Now, He is very upset, and worried that he cannot make me happy. I'm worried too. I don't know how to talk to him. or what I should explain to him. I'm always careful of every words I say to him. I'm afraid he would get much more upset. I cannot suddenly make him feel more secure, but at least I want to make him feel better now.

 

I need advices.

 

Thanks

[Applewhite]

I told my boyfriend yesterday that he is cute but not handsome.

I think that's not the best thing to say. How would you like it if he told you you're cute but not really pretty...

 

I'm always careful of every words I say to him.

 

Really?....

[Manic1002]

Similar thing happened with me and my ex. She said I was cute not sexy and I got really upset, I thought also that she was just with me for kicks and that as soon as a better guy came along she'd leave.

 

I did talk it over alot with her and she used to say she loved me and that I was the only one in her heart etc. It helped but only like for the moment, after it'd gone I felt I was going to let her down again.

 

I'm not the best advice giver but she used to really spoil me on odd days, and do something really nice for me and I'd feel really good about 'us' and we'd have a good night. Try calling him at random times in the day and saying you love him, or set up surpises for him, even if it's just a little thing.

 

Let him see you love him. Actions are louder than words.

 

And also it's not a problem tht your very loyal and honest person, it's something to be praised for and he should know that your this person. And being careful about what you say to him is nice but maybe being a bit tougher so he'll listen might also help. Just a thought.

 

That's just my little input. Anyone feel free to pick on anything I may have said wrong.

[sti_2004]

I told my boyfriend yesterday that he is cute but not handsome.

 

I'm always careful of every words I say to him.

 

nice......

[Flux]

I think that's not the best thing to say. How would you like it if he told you you're cute but not really pretty...

 

I can't say I would be offended by it, but still its nothing to be incredibly insecure about, and sounds like you're trying to insult the OP

 

 

Moving on. I think if you're boyfriend is so insecure, you need to reassure him of what hes insecure about, you. Tell him, that he doesn't need to worry and that you're not with him just to 'do him a favour'. Ultimatly, if he really is this insecure he needs to speak to someone professional about it, like a councellor or someone along those lines.

[Applewhite]

I am not at all insulting the OP Where in my sentence is the insult? I'm trying to make her see the situation from his point of view, instead of (perhaps) labeling him insecure and trying to 'fix' his insecurities.

[Rabby]

I don't take it as an insultant. Thanks everyone

But I do need advices about what I should do next. And the question

 

Quote:

I think that's not the best thing to say. How would you like it if he told you you're cute but not really pretty...

 

I can't say I would be offended by it either, I might though. But I won't think that my bf will leave or cheat on me.

 

I am careful about words but I really didn't think that appearance is important. Anything important than 2 people love each other? I didn't ecpext that he would get upset. I did told him that do not worry but he still does. I just don't know what to do.

[DN]

The problem is that you told him you don't think him handsome. It's then contradictory to say he's handsome to you and it becomes unconvincing.

 

What made you say that in the first place?

[Rabby]

Well, He asked me If I think he is attractive enough for me

I said "yes

He asked me if he is handsome

I said "you are cute"

And he said that means he is not handsome.

and I did tell him that he is handsome for me because I love him. And he asked me If I didn't love me, he wouldn't be handsome?

 

????

 

He is even jealous actors I like.

[Applewhite]

Well, He asked me If I think he is attractive enough for me

I said "yes

He asked me if he is handsome

I said "you are cute"

And he said that means he is not handsome.

and I did tell him that he is handsome for me because I love him. And he asked me If I didn't love me, he wouldn't be handsome?

 

????

 

How old are you guys? Maybe he's extremely sensitive. He does sound like he's trying to create trouble I don't know what to say

[DN]

Well, he shouldn't have asked the question if he didn't like the answer.

 

But it might have been more tactful, especially since you know he is insecure, had you just said "Of course you are" because if he is handsome to you then that is still the truth. Had he said "Do you think I am handsome enough to give up my job to become a male model" then you would have been forced to say "You aren't handsome in the way that male models are supposed to be but you are very handsome to me".

 

It's all about context and being able to tell the truth without hurting - sometimes you don't have to tell all of the truth. Just enough to get by.

 

Tell him you love him and would still love him no matter how he looks. It's not his looks that are important to you anyway - it's the fact he is so awesome to you.

[Rabby]

I'm 21

He's 30

 

I don't know what to say either

[Applewhite]

Wow with the ages revealed I'm even more surprised. Is it possible he's just kidding? Does he pick a lot of fights?

[Rabby]

Tell him you love him and would still love him no matter how he looks. It's not his looks that are important to you anyway - it's the fact he is so awesome to you.

 

Thanks DN

 

I told him something similar, and he said

"when people say this, they think you are ugly"

 

hike 14

 

We had a lot of fights. But we finished it quickly, not like this time. However, when we aren't fighting, everything is great.

[DN]

Tell him that you are not just 'people' - that you are the woman who loves him. And that you don't lie to the man you love.

 

Is it possible he is insecure because he thinks you will leave him for a younger man?

[itsallgrand]

He is worried that If I find 100% perfect man I will leave him or cheat on him. He is worried that I'm sleeping with him just because I want to give him something and want to make him feel important not because that he is attractive.

 

Yeah, I'm thinking it could be what DN is mentioning. That you are so much younger than him.

 

As for him saying things like the above ^ , I'd send that right back to him so he can own it rather than trying to comfort him on it.

 

Trying to comfort him and convince him is a losing battle - you can never win when someone has a belief that goes against what you know are the reasons you are with them.

 

As an example: Him saying that you are only sleeping with him basically out of pity! - well, at that , that's when I would get a little tougher.

 

It's a bit insulting the implication there, don't you think, or at least not all that loving to you - to insinuate that you sleep with men to please them not because you want to of your own volition and because you actually care?

 

I think when people let their insecurities run amok to the point where they are vocalizing them and saying it in a way that it is the other person's flaw that is the reason for it (not even recognizing and owning that it is their own insecurity), the only thing to do is point it out to them.

 

Like, I might say "That hurts my feelings that you would even say that I am sleeping with you for those reasons. That is your insecurity talking, not my truth!"

[Rabby]

Hi Guys,

 

I sent some email to my boyfriend, telling him what I'm thinking.

And his reply is written that he is impressed by my honesty and sincerity. He is not angry with me but he is very upset and not sure what to think. He needs a few days to think.

 

What so you think?

 

PS. I do like an older guy

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think this is a case where he is insecure to begin with and fishing around, then jumps on you when you tell him something he was afraid of. So you were set up so to speak.

 

But sometimes honesty is not the best policy, diplomacy is.

 

You can try to re-interpret this in a diplomatic way that would make him feel better. For example, you think handsome is Actor X or Y, as does everyone else, and since he doesn't look like X or Y, you thought he was referring to that level of handsome.

 

Very few people are movie-star handsome, and that you don't need someone that handsome, and that someone that handsome won't be dating you anyway, they'll be dating someone who looks like Actress A or B.

 

So just bring reality to the fore for him, that you are perfectly satisifed with him as is, won't go looking for anyone who is a movie star, and certainly won't have a movie star pursuing you so he can just relax.

[just M.E.]

Point out to your boyfriend all the movie stars and musicians that are "cute and not handsome" Handsome sometimes is very boring in appearance and cute sometimes comes with a ton of sex appeal.

 

Also, I think most women would agree, we would rather be with a guy who is multi-dimensional vs. some shallow, one sided handsome Joe, who is used to riding on his looks.

 

Just like the overly pretty girl who believes only her appearance is important and there is isn't a brain inside that pretty little shell, it works both ways, what is attractive is complex and individual.

 

Most guys I know of don't like the term cute, they think of that more in terms of puppies ;-), maybe that wording didn't work the best, huh?

 

We all open our mouths and insert our foot at times, define cute for him in a way that makes him see it as equal or better than handsome. If you wanted handsome you would have looked for handsome right? You are with him because you want to be, right?

[bertdru]

Haha I have to honest here, I am somewhat insecure too.

 

Cute but not handsome? It's like this - I know I am ugly but I would like my gf to think that I am sexy..Saying "I think you are sexy but not really" is not exactly uplifting to his ego, I believe

 

Anyway I don't think he should make a big deal about this.