The guy I cheated with hasn't called me

[juriane]

This situation is a little less trite than the title would imply, but here goes:

 

I've been with my husband "J" since high school, over a decade. We got married three months ago. Last month I reconnected with an old friend "D" from my study abroad program in college.

 

During that summer, I was separated from J, who I had been dating for four years at the time. D and I had a real connection. I told D then that I wanted to cheat on J with him, but D refused, saying he had been on the other end, and wouldn't do that to another guy. He ended up hooking up a lot with my closest girlfriend on the program, and I was always so jealous of her. I ended up hooking up with another friend too, but I always wished it was D. I suspected that D really wanted to hook up with me, but wouldn't, for the reason he said.

 

That was 7 years ago. Me and D hadn't kept in touch at all (we had exchanged maybe 2 emails in all those years). Fast forward to last month. We had dinner with yet another friend from the program, then went off by ourselves. After flirting all evening, we went to a hotel and hooked up while my husband pulled an all-nighter at work. Me and D talked a lot, and he specifically addressed how he regretted being so rigid all those years ago.

 

My marriage with J is on the rocks. There has been physical violence and we are very unhappy, but our families are so intertwined after having been together for so long. We don't know how to end it, and I've been upfront about not wanting to be monogamous. I haven't told him specifically about D, but he knows about the other guy from the program 7 years ago.

 

Anyways, D and I have exchanged texts and chatted via Facebook once. I sent him an email 4 days ago and he hasn't responded. What I want to know is why? How should I handle this? I don't know anything about dating, since I've been with the same guy since high school, but maybe D thinks so low of me since I'm technically cheating on my husband.

 

I don't know if I should follow the dating "rules" or if they don't apply in my situation. How can I maintain a friendship/relationship with D? While my situation is complicated, I'd love to at least talk to him. I want to know what he thinks of me, if he just slept with me and plans to ignore me now. Again, this is a person I was pretty close friends with 7 years ago.

 

Thanks for your help. Please don't judge me too harshly for cheating; the situation with my husband is complicated, painful and difficult (far beyond this current issue). Thanks!

[tiredofvampires]

I'm not sure why you're continuing to stay married to your husband, and what marriage means to you. Regardless of how painful, enmeshed and complicated a union is, if you have no plans to honor it as such, it has no use to exist anymore.

 

Your marriage sounds like a toxic web, not an arrangement of love and committment.

 

Does he agree that a marriage doesn't require monogamy? If you and he both wish not to be monogamous, then it could work -- if you could figure out how to start actually treating eachother well, instead of like dirt.

 

But I don't sense that he's on board with your having outside sexual relations, is he? So you aren't on the same page there, for starters.

 

There's only one way to continue to date "D", if your husband doesn't like the idea of "D" and you clearly do.

 

Divorce.

 

Just because something's been going on for a long time doesn't mean it isn't time to end it.

[juriane]

@tiredofvampires: that's hard to hear, but I think you're right. I have such a hard, bitter, painful road ahead of me in ending my marriage (the wedding was huge, all our family was involved; we haven't distributed our pictures or written our thank-you cards yet, and we'll be paying off credit cards for at least another 3 years, and it's over already??), that a friendship with D (or anyone for that matter) feels like the only bright spot. I know the relationship with D isn't anywhere near strong enough to weather that, and I shouldn't expect it to, but after being abused, put down and possessed for so long, it's hard to tell myself that it's wrong to have this relationship with D, when it's the only thing right now that I look forward to. But he's not emailing back. It's a mess, I know.

[tiredofvampires]

If you were abused, possessed, and put down for so long, why you went through to marry your husband anyway is something you're going to have to take a long, hard look at, even as you look to ending this marriage. I think you were out of this marriage even before the wedding, frankly. If it's this bad 3 months in, I don't even want to see what 3 years in is going to look like. And if it's this bad 3 months in, I can imagine it was pretty bad 3 years ago. Yet you went ahead and married anyway.

 

So there is something that was driving you to accept such an intolerable situation. To accept it and to co-create it with him, doing your part.

 

So I think the only way to do justice to him, yourself and this mistake is to rectify it by getting out of it the CLEAN way -- divorce or anullment. Your dating someone else now, in my opinion, should be out of the question until you do file for divorce. Yes, it looks really sad that the wedding cake has barely been polished off and the wedding bed cooled off, but what are appearances worth? It was a sham, and this is your life, no one else's.

 

But you know that saying, "wherever you go, you take yourself with you"? Well, unfortunately, even when you exit this miserable marriage, you will still be taking the you that has:

 

1. stayed with an abusive situation for a long time

2. contributed to an abusive situation for a long time

3. denied the situation and gone on to arrange something supposedly permanent in total denial of the mess you were in

4. tried to alleviate your pain by dishonoring the arrangement and the other person

5. tried to justify doing that because you stayed too long with him

 

These are character issues that are going to need your attention for you to really find the kind of love that you deserve. Right now, you are in a situation that I clearly understand has hurt you a lot, but you have also played right into that and seem to feel entitled to behave however you choose, rather than taking action to remove yourself in an above-board way.

 

Right now, D is a distraction. And if you don't both end your marriage AND start some soul-searching about the kind of judgment you have in general, you'll find the same things happening like deja vu with D, or M or Q down the line.

[tiredofvampires]

And I might add, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if one reason D isn't trying to reach you now is that he has qualms about the way he's behaved as well as how you're behaving.

 

Put yourself in his situation: he once was cheated on, and said he'd never do that to another guy. But then he turned into a hypocrite and did it anyway. And you, to him, are not only a woman who is willing to cheat, but willing to cheat with a man who has been a hypocrite about his principles.

 

Wouldn't that take a little of the "Wow!" out of being with you, if you were him?

[greywolf]

Excellent post tiredofvampires.

[juriane]

Thanks for your thoughtful comments.

 

And I might add, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if one reason D isn't trying to reach you now is that he has qualms about the way he's behaved as well as how you're behaving.

 

Put yourself in his situation: he once was cheated on, and said he'd never do that to another guy. But then he turned into a hypocrite and did it anyway. And you, to him, are not only a woman who is willing to cheat, but willing to cheat with a man who has been a hypocrite about his principles.

 

Wouldn't that take a little of the "Wow!" out of being with you, if you were him?

 

I thought that might have been the case. I can see that I shouldn't expect further communication from him, and wont initiate any myself.

 

As for your earlier comments, I do not disagree, but I'm very sad. My husband tells me that he's the only person who will love me, then tells me I'm a horrible person and throws me accross the room. I do not feel like my cheating was justified, but it's just a lonely, sad road ahead in every direction. A kind word from D went a long way with me.

 

I'm in a mess (yes, that I got myself into), and I have no one. I can't imagine going through a divorce without support, understanding, forgiveness, and that's not something I have right now. That doesn't mean I wont go forward, but I do ask for compassion.

[Applewhite]

This too shall pass. Get away from that house asap. He throws you accross the room???

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You don't need 'D', you need to get counseling to understand why you put up with a toxic marriage and see cheating as a positive alternative when living with a violent man. To be honest, that makes less than no sense and is a very dangerous game to play if your husband is violent, that could end up with serious dangerous complications for both yourself and D should your husband find out and want to kill or injure you or D in his jealous rage.

 

So right now, ignore D and call a woman's shelter or domestic violence hotline to get referred to someone who can help you get out of your dangerous marriage. Then after you've had counseling, you can worry about the wisdom of dating another particular person or not.

 

Odds are good that D will never take you seriously since you cheated on him. He'll never trust you. So work on healing your life and fixing it rather than complicating it even more.

[kuhl282000]

Well you are cheating as long as you're in the marrige ..crappy or not.

Someone should file for divorce and stop putting it off.....your both not happy

 

Violence .......sorry but I would have to leave .....now.....before it gets worse. People are so stupid sometimes and make all kinds of reasons as to why and stay (family) ....whatever ....

 

And thats how people get killed.......

 

As far as the other guy .......Mr "D" I respect him ......

You're the one that needs to get your self respect back .....trust me I know I've been there ....

 

Try the 3 "D's"

 

1) Make a Decesion

2) Do it !

3) And Don't look back

 

 

It works ....and good luck, I think your going to need some trying to leave a violent person ......

[auburnslp]

Here's some more "D"'s regarding your current situation.

 

It is dangerous. Physical violence, and now you are telling him you are cheating or will? That's pretty dumb, sorry to criticize, but you are begging for a disastrous reaction. You need to ditch this sham of a marriage now. Mine lasted less than a year, and I was very dumb to get into it, and put up with what I did for 8 months, but at least I found to courage to say enough, it's done. Don't be disillusioned, just because there is a ring on your finger, that doesn't make a marriage. Time for a divorce, no matter what your family thinks.

 

Now a couple "J"'s...

 

Your wife-beating husband is a jerk, and you don't love him or you wouldn't be doing this. Shame he doesn't have the sense to just leave you, walk away, because if someone I was with told me they were interested in another, I could not justify staying. Shame you both don't have that sense. This is incredibly toxic. On both sides.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. I usually am not. But I think maybe you need to hear these words for the sake of your personal safety and future happiness.

 

Counselling might not be a bad idea. Maybe not for the marriage, but for you. I think you need to figure out why you would stay in such a relationship, marry, and then continue to stoke these fires. I'm sorry, but it sounds like there may be something inside you that craves this kind of drama-I can't figure out another reason for the actions you have described. It is so dangerous to tell a person who has shown violence in the past that you are going to cheat. I know it's always hard to divorce. And to walk away and admit failure to everyone on the outside. But to stay in it and invite more violence with your words and actions just sounds incredibly unhealthy.

 

I am not flaming you. I hope you figure this out and get help with it. Thee was something in me that also craved this kind of drama-I realized it after my tumultuous marriage. And counselling helped.

 

No matter what, good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

[Tallisman]

...(the wedding was huge, all our family was involved; we haven't distributed our pictures or written our thank-you cards yet, and we'll be paying off credit cards for at least another 3 years, and it's over already??)...

 

You were with J for about 10yrs before you married him. You have to have known that this union won't last.

 

J didn't wake up 3 months ago after your wedding and decides to be this bad to you. You went through this wedding I suspect because your were enamored and carried away with the idea of having your "BIG (HUGE) WEDDING"; most women are especially the first time around.

 

Forget about getting into a relationship with D, he will never trust you.

 

Concentrate on getting a divorce and paying off your half of the C' Card debt form the wedding. Get some counseling and figure out what you did wrong in perpetuating this situation and how to avoid it in the future.

 

Since you have been with only J since high school, you probably need time to "date around" before getting into a long term relationship with anyone one guy.