Fiancee leaving, don't think she realizes what she is doing?

[Kemmy]

A bit long, but any advice would be great:

 

My fiancée and I have been together for 3 years now. We've had a strong relationship and we have already faced some hard times together and we were always there for each other. Everyone who knows us says we are the best match they have seen, and she is a great person.

 

She has been under a lot of stress since the start of the year, she is doing a phd and her researched stalled, then we had to postpone our wedding and then she fell ill this summer and has been dealing with chronic pain for close to 3 months now. I have been there for her thru all this, taking time off work to take her to the doctors, visiting her as often as possible (we don't live together), staying with her and helping her cook and clean, etc.

 

One thing I did that I know regret is putting off a relationship talk that we were overdue for. I have had problems dealing with conflict in the past, and although I've always listened to her concerns I knew she felt like I kept my frustations to myself and didn't communicate openly all the time. When she was ill, I pretty much avoided the subject of our relationship, thinking that would just be more stress on her and there would be time for that later, once she was better. In the mean time, I had started researching a therapist so that I could work on opening up and dealing with conflict in our relationship. Again, I didn't tell her this and when her condition got worst, I simply didn't have the mental stamina to deal with my problems and put off the therapy.

 

About a month ago, she returned to her hometown to rest at her parents and get a second opinion from her original family doctor and try to get quicker access to the exams she needed to get done. That's when it all started falling apart. The day before she left, she was her normal self, still very much in love with me and sad to leave me. Since she got home, she became very distant, would not say she loved me or missed me, would be easily annoyed with me, would avoid speaking with me, etc. Other times, she would phone me and be her old self again, which really confused me.

 

Finally, after about a month of this I confronted her and asked what was going on. That's when she said has had a lot of time to think and she's not happy with me and can't see herself marrying me. I was shocked to say the least, as we've been very good for each other and very compatible. She returned to her place this week and I will see her in the coming days, most likely for the last time.

 

I feel like anything I say to her now about me getting help for my problems and working out a solution with her will seem like a last minute desperate plea, when in reality I had come to this conclusions months ago. I know that she has had so much frustation, disapointement and anger from all the lost time and her illness draggin on, that she has most likely been only thinking of all the negatives and none of the positives.

 

In my heart, I know she will most likely regret leaving me, but I really can't see anything I can do at the moment to help her. Even if she breaks up, we are not the type of ppl to leave on bad terms, so would LC be better than NC in this case? I also feel like I would be giving up on her when she probably still needs me if this is more a depression that a rational decision.

 

Has anyone been thru a similar experience?

[jettison]

I can understand your rationale in thinking that she's depressed, and thereforee, she doesn't know what she's doing right now when it comes to the relationship. However, you should be careful not to assume that that's the case. It might be true. And again, it might not.

 

Usually, if a person is going to break of an engagement with someone that they care about then it means that they've spent a LOT of time thinking and agonizing about the decision. After all, who wants to go through the pains of a messy breakup with a long term partner? Most people willing to take this breakup step have done their due diligence.

 

I don't mean to be overly negative about your situation, but it's important that you understand that sometimes, no matter how great or perfect a guy you may be, people just fall out of love anyway. It happens. It's not a comment on you, but rather, a comment on the delicate nature of relationships.

[testcase]

Ah Jettison is wise, listen to his take on this. I do think she knows what she is doing, it is her decision. Wow doesn't the I can't see myself marrying you stab like a knife? For all the thinking they are doing you think they could avoid some of these terms.

 

Right now man you have to do whats best for you! You say you two are good friends and not the type of people to leave on bad terms. Well you going NC is not leaving on bad terms. It is having respect for yourself if you still really love this women.

 

Right now you think she is depressed, she really could be. But you should not allow yourself to be an emotional crutch. That is really one of the HUGE benefits of the relationship she had with you. If you allow her to continue to have that she will be having her cake and eating it to.

[Kemmy]

Thanks for your replies. I know that she has most likely thought long and hard about this, and I didn't mean to come accross as dismissive about her decision, but when I look back, there weren't really any signs that we had reached such a bad state. She says she still loves me, but that sometimes love isn't enough. Well, I told her that I love her and that if she really can't be happy with me, then I'll accept the outcome and I would too.

 

Part of me is hurt that she probably was thinking about this all those months she was ill, while I was caring for her and being mr. dependable. Then to give me the cold treatment while she was away from me and knowing how much I was still worrying about her, and finally to announce it over the phone like that. It just doesn't fit in with the person I knew, not even close.