My girlfriend is gay.

[freefree113]

I met my girlfriend about 6 months ago, when she was visiting my college with a friend. We hit it off immediately, she stayed the night in my bed (no sex), and we started texting/emailing calling after that. As a freshman in college, I admit it was a bit strange pursuing a long-distance relationship with her, but everything went so smoothly it just seemed like a match made in heaven.

 

For the next 6 months, we had an unbelievable time. There were only a couple minor bumps in the road. We never fought, and we were very open communicating with each other. I lost my virginity to her (she had only had sex with one other person before me), and really considered her my best friend in the world.

 

Something didn't feel quite right though...the sex wasn't great, and I felt like we almost had an asexual relationship (we had sex a lot, but it almost felt like work). I frequently felt like I had to force myself to be physically attracted to her because of her lack of sexuality. But on the other hand, a part of me found it endearing...I wrote it off as our inexperience (which I'm not really sure I ever believed). I loved her, but the thought of ending my relationship with her was always lingering.

 

So yesterday (I've been up all night), I get the bombshell. We're about to go out on a date, and she starts getting really emotional. I tell her we're not leaving until she lets me know whats on her mind (I have a feeling its bad, and this has happened before, but I didn't press the first time). After maybe 30 minutes she starts telling me she loves me, she loves me, but that she can never be with me. I ask her if shes sick, she says no, but she finally tells me that shes gay. For the record, she never cheated on me, and has never kissed a girl, but she pointed to a time when we were having sex that she said made her "just know".

 

So yeah, this takes me by surprise, but it almost comes as a relief at first, as I now understood why I didn't feel attracted to her as I thought have should have and why the sex wasn't what I had imagined, which had made me feel guilty (because I feel like she deserves the world and is almost perfect for me).

 

I drive her home, and on the way back I'm still feeling okay, but I recognize I'm sort of in the shock/denial stage. We talk a lot... about the implications for the future. I (somewhat naively, probably) tell her that if she ever wants to raise a child as a single parent or with a partner that I would be more than willing to donate a sperm sample, shes starts crying harcore and says thats what she wants. We talk about how we think we're soulmates. We get home, and tell her mom that shes gay...her dad is going to get home in an hour, but I start hurting to much to stick around so I drive home.

 

Now, I guess as human nature dictates, I want her back more than anything and think that this is the cruelest thing the world has ever done to me. I can't resent her, she loves me, I honestly think I mean more to her than any other person in the world, and vice-versa. And I want to help her so bad, but it just hurts too much I think to talk to her. I'm thinking about going NC, but it's not like she dumped me or anything, and she needs all the support she can get right now. Honestly, and I know at age 19 it seems loony to say this, but I would give up all the sex in the world to be with her.

 

God I'm so sad...I honestly thought that I was going to marry this girl, even though as I admitted I didn't think something was right the entire time.

 

Ideally, I'd like to remain unbelievably close to her as a friend while being open to the idea of finding someone else and open to the idea of her finding a partner (which I don't think is going to happen in the near-future). This seems so impossible right now though...I don't want to be with anyone else, and I don't think I've actually come to terms with what has actually happened here.

 

I'm terrified I'm never going to find someone liker her again (I've said the same thing on these boards 2 years ago, but still). I almost feel as if her repressed sexuality led her to have the combination of looks/personality traits that I might never find in a straight woman. I know that sounds crazy, and I hope you guys call me out for being ridiculous, but its all I can think of right now.

 

Tips? Has anyone else experienced something similar? Thanks.

 

I'm sorry about the length, half the reason I'm writing this is just to get it all out on paper or something.

[Roasted Carrots]

Im so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have a similar experiance at all. I wish I had some advice for you that stemmed from experience.

 

The best thing I can think of right now is to treat this like any other hetersexual breakup: Get over her. Go NC. There's absolutely no way you can get over her and help her through this difficult time if you're an emotional wreck.

 

Then, maybe weeks or monthes or years from now, you can be friends with her, listen to her relationship problems, etc. But I think it's just going to tear your heart out if you become her emotional soundboard.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh, how sad... i'm sorry that is rough.

 

I know you want to stay unbelievably close to her, but you need to take care of yourself and get over her so that you can heal... if you are still seeing her in an extremely close relationship, it might be very hard for you to move on.

 

I think you need time apart til you are both adjusted to this... perhaps contact only once a month until you both are comfortable and not pining for the other person.

[lapseinjudgement]

Yea i kinda agree..... I mean if you are still a wreck how do you expect to be a rock for her. Im very sorry that you are going through this. I also never had anything similar happen to me i wish i had some better advice but best friend or not you need to help yourself heal before you can help her.

[desertsoul]

I just wanted to let you know that I'm going through something similar and that I understand what you're feeling. But be glad that you didn't marry her. Trust me on that. Nothing has ever been so hard in all my life.

 

I'm feeling a lot of what you describe right now. It seems impossible to think that the good qualities that my stbx wife had are anything that I can find in someone else. My best advice is to hang in there. I believe good things will happen for both of us. There are a whole lot of fish in the sea, so to speak. Seems meaningless now, perhaps, but there really is no need to give up hope.

[freefree113]

Thanks desertsoul. It really is hard...it feels like God has dropped down glass wall between two perfect people. I should be thankful that she had the courage to tell me now.

[desertsoul]

Thanks desertsoul. It really is hard...it feels like God has dropped down glass wall between two perfect people. I should be thankful that she had the courage to tell me now.

 

That's a very good way to put it. I think if we could have erased our physical desires, me and my stbx would have been absolutely perfect for each other.

 

I think she loved me in every way except for physically, and she tried to ignore those urges, but it was tearing her apart inside. And I could sense that. It made me feel unhappy to not be wanted in that way for so long.

 

I will miss her personality and the things we shared for a long while. As much as I feel naturally driven to hate her, I can't stop thinking about the good times we had. I'm trapped in the same house with her for two more weeks, and it's killing me. I think it will do us both some good to reduce the amount of contact that we have with our former SO's.

 

But if we look hard enough, I really believe we can find someone else with that special something. And if we can get sexual compatibility on top of all that, then we'll be happier than ever, and so will those people who we loved. It's very hard right now, but it will get better. I honestly believe that.