Has this happened twice to anyone?

[looloolola]

Kind of long but please help me out..

Me and my boyfriend dated for 9 months he broke up with me because of some fights.. simple fights that could have been solved.

 

After we broke up I went NC as advised from this site and two months later he called me asking to get back together,and that he regretted breaking up with such a great girl like me and he knew he couldnt find anyone better and that he thought about me each day and even played my voice recordings at night. I was waiting for this day and it actually happened.

 

So I accepted and we got back together, I look back and realize I should have made it a little harder for him but whatever. But after about 2 weeks we were back to being a full on couple and things were amazing.. better than ever before.

 

About 3 months later things got back to routine just because as in all relationships the honeymoon phase is coming to an end, especially since we were together previously, and he stopped trying as hard. I could just feel it. Arguments started taking place mostly about sex.It frustrated him because I am saving myself for marriage. He wouldnt ask me to have it with him he just complained because he knew I wouldnt and he is not a stranger to this, in our community every girl is like that. and I know his family morals are the same exact way because his sisters were all raised the same way and he brags about how they all turned out. But I feel like his frustration with not having sex made him more irritable to pick fights with me. He would pick them over the simplest thing, even about me not agreeing with him about a stupid subject he later claimed when he was breaking up with me that by me not agreeing it meant "I didn't understand him."

 

It seemed as if the past 4 or 5 days before our second break up that he was looking for reasons to fight and in my mind to justify his break up with me. Sort of like he was filling up a bag with any reasons he could find so he could throw them at me because I dont think he wanted to admit to me that he is leaving me to get sex from other girls. I also should add in that I am his first serious girlfriend and before he met me his single life was very fun, he was always clubbing, partying and basically hooking up with lots of random flings with out any commitment. He is a good looking guy so it was easy for him. Even before meeting him I had heard he was into the partying life but looking for a good nice girl to take seriously. So I think maybe he missed this old life?

 

I remember about a little over a week before he broke up with me we were having a talk on the phone and he was telling me he was young (he is about to be 23) and that he is not ready to marry me for atleast another three years and he doesn't know how he could go the next three years without sex with me, so he told me he wanted me to meet up with him to talk and I thought in my heart he was thinking of ending it so I told him if he wanted to end it to just do it and to not make me meet up with him and that I also didn't care that I would not wait a second time for him. Then his attitude changed and he was like no I dont want to break up with you but even if I did it sounds as if you dont even care? You make it sound like you would find someone else a week later? and I told him no I wouldnt move on that fast but I could not put my self through the pain again and that it would not hurt me as bad because the first time it made me stronger. Well after this conversation his attitude totally flipped and he called me back an hour late telling me how much he loved me and how important I was to him and that breaking up was not even on his mind. So I thought wow acting like I dont care really works.

 

So then a couple of days go by and he brings up his frustrations about sex again. Little things I would joke around about would make him mad. I made a sexual joke or I think brought up something about sex I read in a magazine and he got mad and told me that since we dont have sex that I should not talk about it because it reminds him how he cant have it. Then what I also noticed was that after these arguments he would not get over them. Ive noticed in stable relationships after little arguments the person forgets them and goes back to being normal. I can recall many times where my ex would say something dumb but I would get over it because I had unconditional love for him, but with him he would not allow himself to forget. He kept on bringing up the jokes I made the next day.

 

The day of the break up I was so sick of hearing his voice sounding so annoyed. He didn't seem into talking to me at all. So I thought if we went to a movie and saw each other and had a little fun that his bad mood would go away.

 

I asked him and he agreed then later on he called me and said he didnt want to see a movie he just wanted to get some coffee. So we went and he told me he had things to get off his chest. He went on to tell me that he doesnt think after all this time we have been together (barely a year) that I understand him because we argue. But I have a feeling that is BS because couples who are together for 20 years bicker and argue and they know each other inside and out. I told him that and he stated another one of his reasons which was that he is a fun spontaneous and outgoing person and that he likes doing exciting things and that we dont do them. I told him I loved doing those things with him and when we did our relationship was amazing but when he stopped trying for our relationship we didnt do those things because he was always hanging out with his friends, renting boats and doing all kinds of fun things with them and he stopped asking me, what really pissed me off is that I remember asking him many times lets do this and that this weekend and instead he would go with his friends. Then he said he doesnt remember the last time we had an intelligent conversation and that the other day when he called I told him I was looking on the internet for restaurants to take my friend out for her birthday and he said he doesnt care about stuff like that and I guess that proved to him I cant have an intelligent convo? I told him if he ever felt like talking about something why didnt he ever bring it up? I would have been more than happy to put in my input and opinions but he never once brought anything up to me. We barely even talked the last few days before breaking up and how could you possibly have an intelligent convo with someone you dont talk to that much anymore? and who has put themselves in a bad mood with you because of a simple stupid joke? I then finally told him look im not going to convince you if you want it to end then let it end, then he told me the line that crushed my heart "you a great girl and any other guy would be lucky to have you, you have the greatest heart." So we agreed to be friends and I tried my hardest not to cry and I actually appeared somewhat happy which is a total opposite from the first time when I pleaded and cried like a baby. He said he wanted to stay friends and even work out together soon.

 

Its been two days and even tho the last week he had turned into a guy who was irritable moody and mean and just not the guy I fell in love with I still am so heartbroken. I love this guy to death and even though all my friends tell me he made all those excuses to break up with you because he doesnt want to tell you he wants to go out and **** around, and hes not ready for a serious relationship I still cant help but think what did I do wrong? Maybe he doesnt want to go mess around maybe it is just me? I just dont know what to do. And I know all of you out there will think I am crazy but I want to be with him again, maybe when he is ready. But I dont know if he would come back since he had to end it twice? Could he really have lost his love for me because of those stupid reasons? Can anyone please tell me an experience where a relationship ended twice and the person still ended up wanting you back? I would appreciate any advice or opinions. I dont really have many people to talk to about this. But thankyou for any advice I appreciate it so much

[GizMo567]

I think this really boils down to the intimacy issue because as it sounds, he is very experienced. You are his dream girl in every way BUT you will not put out. The simple fact that his needs are not met in that way alone can hurt the entire relationship and make it fall flat. Unfortunately, i do not see a way out in this unless he can withstand holding out for a while longer. While i do not think it is impossible to get back with him - you have to understand that the simple fact that he is letting out his frustration is the fact that he cannot release.

 

It is not bad being a virgin. I admire you for that. But right now, i think your ex needs to fulfill those needs in some way - maybe compromising will work?? Hope this helps.

[looloolola]

Thanks for your reply but when he broke up with me he didnt metion the sex issue.. he mentioned how it bothered him almost every day the week before our break up, but when he actually broke up he didnt say anything about sex. My friends say its because he doesnt want to sound like an * * * * * * * that is only out to get one thing and make me think thats all he cares about? What do you think about that?

[GizMo567]

I think that may be the deciding factor believe it or not. It would sound so messed up if that were his only excuse out - but from what it sounds like, it is. Sorry to hear that and i hope you are doing well.

[Meatyka]

Just because he wants sex with you doesnt mean its all he cares about. But being in a long relationship with out any can drive a guy nuts. And wondering why you wont give it to him and when will you is driving him mad.

[brahman]

Yeah, I don't agree with any of you two. Yeah I didn't ever think about it until I wasn't a virgin any more, but waiting is not a bad thing. And having someone in your life pressuring you to have sex is not okay. looloolola you should have ended it with this fool long before he got a chance to end it with you. It sounds like he has issues that he needs to work out, and for everyone else who think, "It's okay to have sex with a girl who doesn't want it," you are all idiots. If she doesn't want to have sex with you until your married, and you can't wait, then guess what..........LEAVE............... Stop trying to pressure her and leave.

[looloolola]

Do any of you think maybe it was just me.. not the sex?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, it does sound like he has some issues, I doubt if it is all down to you. It sounds to me like the two of you might not be ideally matched...value system is different, not only with sex but just what he wants out of a relationship vs what you want. While is acting out on all fronts was not good, sometimes mismatched people can get irritated with each other and over time it wears away the relationship. I don't think it is just a sex issue. Even if you were to have sex with him it sounds to me like there would still be incompatibilities and it might have ended anyway.

[looloolola]

Anyone out there have any advice?

[SBCorkern]

he is confusing sex and love; it is as simple as that. his mind is not clear on the subject and he actually doesn't know the difference. bring it up to him and he will tell you what the difference is, but he doesn't KNOW what the difference is. he most likely loves you, but he doesn't know how to separate the two.

 

-sbc-

[jammer180]

Don't know if you've read any of my threads, but I guess me and my ex broke up twice over a year as well... Still waiting for him to come back again. And he was much like yours, going out with his friends and playing sports more and more, not communicating with me... then when we broke up i felt like it was all my fault it was better the second time around... i dunno what happened.... anyway, don't think he'll be back this time. last time we broke up it was becuase he wasn't ready for a relationship, this time it's becuase he feels that he will never get to the point of saying i love you... we had a blow out and i deleted him off facebook and msn, and everyone i know through him too, which is not that many, but still. i think it was really immature of me to do that but i knew i needed to get over him because he made his decision no matter what i treid to say or do.... still waiting.... don't think he's coming back though. so, no, i don't know if they come back after a 2nd time breaking up.... i hope he does if you really love him and want to be with him... but this time apart might be good for you to reflect and see if he's really what you want. sounds like he wasn't really meeting your needs.

[looloolola]

thank you all for the advice it really helps

[looloolola]

help people pleaseee

thanks so muchhh

[jessicake]

help people pleaseee

thanks so muchhh

 

what help exactly are you looking for?

 

more point of views?

how to get him back?

how to forget him?

how to move on?

[looloolola]

More point of views

and how to get him back

lol

[looloolola]

Can anyone please read my story and helpp!

thankyou if you doo

[looloolola]

Hey does any one mind giving some advice, would really extremely appreciate it

[looloolola]

anyone please opinionsss ???

[jammer180]

Maybe it hasn't really happened to that many people? I too would love to know if it's happened to more people because it's been two times for me now too... but the reality is that even if someone on here tells you yes, they came back a third time, it doesn't mean that yours will. I know that sounds harsh, but everyone is different, every situation is different, everyones relationships and feelings are different. I think the best thing you can do is NC for yourself. If you have to, give it your one last shot so you know he knew how you felt at least, and then try try try to move on. I have a friend who's bf has broken up with her 6 TIMES in the last year, and they've only been together a year and a half. She is miserable. I don't think that either you nor I want to end up like that do we? We need to find someone better who will cherish us and not bounce back and forward tearing us apart a little more every time. I do wish you the best of luck getting through this. (((((hugs))))))

[majord23]

looloolola,

It sounds as though you both have differing views on sex before marriage. Some people see it as an integral part of a long-term relationship, regardless of their marital status.

Others, such as yourself, view sex as something that should only be shared between two people who have made a life-long commitment to each other.

 

These are differing views - no view is more right than the other, but if two people enter a relationship from opposing ends of the spectrum then it is obviously going to be an issue at some stage.

 

The fact that your ex mentioned sex as being a problem prior to the break-up (as you identified) is significant. I'm certain that your friends' assertion that he didn't mention it at the time of the relationship was more to do with him 'saving face' as not coming accross as shallow.

 

Unless one of you changes your stance, your relationship will always have this hurdle to overcome. I'm certain that you do not wish to give up your beliefs, and I'm also certain that your ex will not budge on his.

 

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is singing from the same songsheet?

[looloolola]

Thanks for all your advice, but I know my ex does have the same belief on this subject as far as it goes for women, all his female relatives are the same way, he himself would not marry a non-virgin. So i know we actually do have the same beliefs..

[Mayday11]

Nobody can say whether he'll come back or not. From what I've seen, the number of breakups in a relationship doesn't really seem to increase or decrease the odds of reconciliation either way. I've seen couples break up once and never reconcile, while other couples have broken up more times than I can count and are still together to this day.

 

I agree with what a lot of other people are saying, I think sex was a big part of the issue. I don't share the same views on sex as you do (but I do respect your convictions) and honestly, I could never date someone who was saving sex for marriage. My entire life, sex has been a crucial part of intimacy in my relationships. Without the sex, it seems like something is 'missing'. You'll even see on this board, in sexually active relationships, where people will mention that prior to the breakup, the sex pretty much disappears. Why is this? Because their ex is losing their attraction for them and is becoming uninterested in sex. While for you, attraction and sex are kept separately, that doesn't necessarily mean that your ex will always understand this. He may say he understands your position, but that doesn't mean he's still not going to get incredibly sexually frustrated. And when men get sexually frustrated, they get moody, they get petty and they tend to be 'on edge' (as your ex seems to have been prior to the breakup).

 

Don't bend your morals for others, though. Morals are what make us who we are and are our own set of laws, almost. There's a chance that if you did bend your morals and slept with him in an attempt to get him back, that something else may lead to another breakup and then what? You've just dropped your morals and you still have nothing to show for it.

 

If you guys are going to be together, he has to understand that there will be no sex and he has to be okay with that. Until that happens, you guys most likely won't be a happy couple. If that never happens, your best bet is to lay low and out of his life and let him do his thing. He may soon realize that hooking up with random girls and having meaningless sex is pretty shallow.

 

Bottom line, this is a pretty big difference between the two of you that will be impossible to compromise on. The only way for it to work is for him to be okay with your moral convictions and that's something that only he can do.

[Mayday11]

Thanks for all your advice, but I know my ex does have the same belief on this subject as far as it goes for women, all his female relatives are the same way, he himself would not marry a non-virgin. So i know we actually do have the same beliefs..

 

Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a 23 year old guy and his hormones are telling him to have sex with everything in sight. He can believe he's the pope, but that doesn't mean a thing. He can't just turn off his testosterone.

[looloolola]

thankyou so much for your response. I wonder if sleeping with random girls gets old? I wonder if he will miss actually having girlfriend to spend time with... and also do you think those reasons he used for leaving me are excuses for sexual frustration?

[looloolola]

what breaks my heart the most is him saying I dont know him and that he doesnt remember the last time we had an intellectual conversation, I wonder if he actually means them and if this is a reason to actually dump someone. I think I would have been better off if he just told me he wanted to go hook up with other women for fun, but I do remember him telling me once that a girl did that to one of his friends and he thinks its a really messed up and no one should take someone back for an excuse like that.