I am so angry.

[undercover007]

I am filled with rage right now. Its been a month since the breakup with my ex (who was emotionally/mentally abusive and a little physically abusive).

 

3 years down the drain. All my dreams and hopes are gone. What started as a fairytale turned into a nightmare.

 

I was reading my old journal entries of all the things he had done and all the fights and breakups.

 

I look back now and i cant believe how much i put up with. At one point in our relationship, he would break up with me every month.. or threaten to break up with me.

 

Called me obsessive, needy, and crazy. I was the crazy one.. yet he was the one in the beginning that deleted all my guy friends on my phone, hacked into my online journal, got mad if i went out clubbing, and made me cut out certain friends, got mad if i didnt spend time with him. Then when I wanted spend time with him, i was too needy! Yes i turned crazy.. every time he'd break up with me id go crazy and panic. Sometimes he would just break up with me without telling me. I'd be left hanging.

 

He put me down. He had weird mood swings. Sometimes he'd be all nice and sweet, then all of a sudden he was distant and angry and then would lash out on me for trying to talk to him. He would always give me the silent treatment or ignore me for days/weeks if he was mad or if we were broken up.

 

Things he has said from previous break ups:

 

I dont love you anymore. Your obsessive, crazy, and needy. And your too immature.

 

I am going to kill you.

 

I hate you.

 

Now you have no chance.

 

I want nothing to do with you.

 

I dont want to be committed to you. I just want to be friends. I will see you when u are over me.

 

If you call my phone one more time im going to get a restraining order.

 

I will blow up ur phone at 3 am and see how u like it.

 

This was ur last straw.

 

I gave you too many chances.

 

This was ur last chance.

 

You make me sick.

 

Your a s***.

 

You ****ing c**t

 

 

 

All I ever did was put my heart out there and loved him. I never did anything to hurt him yet he treats me like this? I gave him everything.. put him first cause i loved him. But when i needed him there, was he there for me? Rarely ever.

 

I feel so crazy. I cant function. I cry every day and night. He hurt me so badly yet i miss him so much. I feel like someone just died. I dont know how to move on. I just want to scream at the world. Scream at him. He told me id be his future wife.. that we'd be together forever.. that he would always be there for me.. everything was a lie. So many broken promises. He told me hated liars.. yet ive caught him in small lies. Everything was always MY FAULT. He could never admit to being wrong. I feel so broken. I gave up everything. I was there for him no matter what. I helped him find a career because he was depressed about not having one. I looked and looked for him. Now that i hooked him up with a steady job.. he has no time for me. He says that im crazy and he doesnt need a crazy gf like me.

 

I feel so broken. I feel like theres no point in living. How can someone be so horrible and mean to a person?

 

sorry, i needed to vent.

[Rising]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I think anyone who ever truly gives themselves to the wrong person gets slammed like this. You trust them even though there are signs that you shouldn't... and when it all comes falling down and it's so clearly their fault, you can't help but feel so sad because you miss them so much.

 

I can tell you that this won't last forever. That the pain will dissipate, although it might take awhile. That if you continue to look at the whole thing from the outside you'll see the mistakes you both made, and the things that you'll never allow into your future relationships again. You'll see that he wasn't 'the one' and that he really was everything you needed to experience to know what kind of person you should avoid, and what kind to let close to you in your next try at love.

 

Never let a man treat you that way. No one who ever understands what "I love you" should mean will ever say those things to you.

 

Take your time and piece yourself together. Don't run from the hurt. Face it down and recognize the truths and lies within.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

-Rising

[Unicorn123]

Hi Undercover007,

 

It is good to use these boards to vent. I understand what you are going through... My ex was very similar to yours. He had double standards and when I confronted him about his lies it was ALL MY FAULT. He was self-absorbed and always talking about his needs, concerns, and desires. He told me to see a psychiatrist bc I had mental issues, blah, blah... What's more is he told his ALL friends that I was a psycho stalker.

 

I guess you and I need to learn a hard lesson... We cannot just give and give to men who cannot reciprocate. Narcississtic men do not have the capacity to empathize... It's so sad... I was so blinded, hoping his flaws were not true-- in total denial. I would paint a very beautiful picture of my ex but I knew it was not true. My ex never put me first. It was all about him. It's very hard to let go of these men. I know how you feel. It's like your dream being shattered in a million pieces. You cannot change him, only he can change if he truly wants to-- but personalities are not easily changed.

 

You deserve so much better than him. You did so much for a person who doesn't know how to appreciate. He took you for granted hon. He did this bc he has no emotions for other people.

 

Unicorn123

[Kahdeksan]

Hi there! First and foremost, you are nothing at all like what your loser (loser, it's a psychological term used to profile people like him, so don't take offense to that) of an ex said. You have established your feelings and commitment to him more than he could muster in his whole life.

 

People like him are usually very quick to jump to the whole, "I love you, let's get married scene' and just as quickly they are to detach from the relationship.

 

He's a pessimistic individual too, which I've gathered from your syntax, and this would explain all these cold silences that he's given you as a form of punishment because he knows you'll be back in his arms.

 

I don't think you should see this as a life wasted but rather, if you can see it from the perspective that you've gained something quite valuable from this relationship. And that is to not repeat what you've learned...

 

You say you're angry, so get angry... but you must also realize that if you keep doing this, this anger phase, then pretty soon you're going to wear yourself out emotionally. As a consequence, you will suffer as will your family and friends.

 

May I suggest that you try and recognize every time when you get angry... acknowledge that you're pissed off at him, BUT stop there. Now, take a moment or two, and reflect on what good would this do to you within? Does it serve its purpose for me to be constantly venting and doing emotional harm while he's out there enjoying what he's enjoying? Step out of your body and take a good look at yourself, recognize that this is NOT working, so you need another resolve.

 

Acknowledge your anger, and stop it from eating you up inside... calm yourself down, and come to terms with the fact that you have absolutely no control over him, nor of the past or of the future that awaits him. Take control of your emotions, and sooth your wounds. Repeat as many times as it takes for you to tell yourself to calm down, and that you're gonna set yourself free.

 

I hope you'll feel better in the days to come for it'll do you good.... Sending you lots of positive vibes and support.

[undercover007]

Thank you all for ur encouraging words.

 

Its hard because ill think of all the good time we shared.. but then other times ill think of all the cruel and hateful things he has done and said to me. I will admit that i have done crazy things to try to get him back.. i felt like i couldnt live without him.

 

And unicorn.. thats funny u mention how ur ex said to see a psychiatrist. My ex said the same thing.. he said i had issues.. he even said that he would go with me cause he "cared" about our relationship. But when the time came and i made appt with a therapist.. he made an excuse that he couldnt go and that i should just go alone. So i did.. plus i was suffering from really bad anxiety/depression so i wanted to go. But i realized my anxiety and depression all came from my relationship. And he didnt even know this.. he thought that i was just crazy and i had problems with controlling my emotions. Little does he know how emotionally abusive he was to me. I use to wake up having anxiety attacks in the morning. I'd panic.. id feel like i was about to die.. i couldnt get out of bed.. worst feeling in the world. It has gotten better tho now that i have taken antidepressants.

 

Its weird.. sometimes i feel like hes 2 ppl in one body. He can be so kind and sweet sometimes.. sometimes i feel like wow he really does love me. And then the other side of him comes out when hes angry and i hes a completely differnt person. How does one change so fast? i still dont understand till this day.. even after reading books and things online about emotional abuse and narcissists.. i still cant understand how they could do this to anyone. How can anyone be so hateful.

[Unicorn123]

Undercover007,

 

My ex said I was psycho, and after the breakup I had nightmares wondering if indeed I was the screwup who ruined our relationship. I did see a therapist and wanted to search for answers. My therapist said it was normal to go through my stages although she said I was being obsessive about losing him. Don't we all go through our crazy antics when someone we loves leaves us so suddenly? Most of us do, if not all. I understand what you are going through...

 

He most likely lacks emotion if he could just change into a whole new person and have such extreme changes in his behavior towards you. I do a lot of soul searching these days to find answers... I also wonder how these men could be so callous... Sigh...

 

One thing for sure is that we must stick to NC. We can do this~

 

Unicorn123

[Daegas]

Try to think of all the good times you can share with someone else, without having all these horrible bad times!

 

It sounds like he has conditioned you in a terrible way to make you believe you cannot be without him, and worn you down so that it's hard to fight him. You may be mistaking this "need to be with him" for love. With love your partner is supposed to support you to achieve a better life for the both of you. He doesn't love you, although you did once!

 

How can he do this? I fear he doesn't even see you as a human being.

 

BTW Did you happen to have you read a book called: Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited?

[kuhl282000]

He was not a healthy person ......I can telll from his words to you

 

They Hurt ....they hurt you to the core of your soul

 

Words like that are nothing more then verbal abuse ....its a form of control

 

It keeps you on the edge and they know what they are doing ......

 

Its mean, hurtful and very cruel just for starters .......

 

What you need to ask yourself is why are you letting anyone treat you this way ....

 

he would break up with me every month you want to live the rest of your life like that? It would have driven anyone insane

 

Why do you want to be his doormat......you want to go back for more now.

 

You need to look in the mirror and think and back up ......

 

I'm sending you the stages of grief below ....you'll see where your at.

 

sadness, anger, denial, fear, depression and guilt

 

 

I'm personally in all the stages all going off at once myself ...

[daysgoby]

Undercover,

 

You know I had all those emotions also. I was with my ex for 18 years and had two beautiful children. He did alot of the same things to me that yours did and it was the hardest thing I had to do to leave him. My self esteem was so low and I just felt I couldn't do it without him but then one morning I woke up and told myself I could not ALLOW him to control me anymore.

 

I focused on all the bad things, I know that may not be good but it sure kept me from going back to it. I told myself I deserved better and that there is better out there. You are still allowing him to be in control when you set and dwell on the good. Sure there was good but there should not have been that much bad and mental abuse. Your self esteem is low. You question is some of the things he said true. NO they are not. That was his way of having control over you and making you believe you had no life without him. You do have a life and it can be so much greater if you move on. I realized I would prefer to be alone without having to worry about what mood he would be in that day or how many times I was going to cry over his hurtful words. I find peace now walking in the house without "my king" there to tell me how things were, lol.

 

You can find some happiness. Just think of how peaceful it is not having to deal with his nonsense on a daily basis. I know it may sound dumb but tell yourself on a daily basis, I am good and I deserve to be treated good. You will start believing this and start to expect it.

 

I am 9 months out of the relationship now. He still tries to make my life a living hell through the children. I sometimes let him get to me but all in all I tell myself I will not let him do this to me, he is not worth my stress and worry and he's the one who lost the best thing of his life because I had so much to give a relationship he just wasn't man enough to receive it! Hang in there and take control you can do this!!!!!

 

Best of luck!

[The_411]

undercover,

 

I recommend that you go this site link removed and read because it will likely be very illuminating in regard to your relationship with your ex.