NC = No Contact = No Closure ?

[iminpain]

Sorry in advanced for the long post. I haven't been here for awhile but I need to express myself. Please feel free to check my other postings for more detail.

 

It has been almost two years since my ex-gf of 3 years broke up with me. When she broke up, she blamed her unhappiness on me. Things with her life were not going well, in particular, she couldn't finish her university degree while I was almost getting mine done. She broke up two weeks before

my last final exam.

 

I tried to talk to her during/after the break-up, but she was so resentful and standoff-ish. I was deeply hurt for a year for taking the blame. I maintained NC for a year and a half. After the first year, I decided to move on and went to graduate school in a different city. Then I saw her again last April, she came to visit the department as a potential new grad student. I was so surprised, nervous, and happy to see her again. But she wasn't happy to see me. She even brought up things from the past and made sure I felt bad, then she tells me not to talk about the past and that she doesn't care. This happened two weeks before my term finals. lol.

 

I was floored, I mean, this was a woman that I believed at the time loved me as much as I loved her. I still remember two days before the break-up she told me that she loved and adored me.

 

Anyway, for some crazy reason, after I saw her, after all the hurt, I was still secretly hoping that she'd do her studies at the same department. I was living a crazy false hope that we'd get a chance to restore a friendship

and a relationship. I must've been out of my mind!

 

Well, after half a year of NC today, I find out that she's pursuing her studies somewhere else. Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I feel that I haven't even tried to let go almost two years ago, that I was in complete utter denial for almost two years, even after the way she treated me during her visit at the uni.

 

I'm so sad and depressed right now, I did NC, I tried to move on or so I thought, but I still had this insane hope, this insane false hope for some restoration even in the face of undisputable evidence of the contrary.

 

I must be crazy. The thing that helped me survived during NC was this self-defeating hope, and now I realize today that she's gone, truly gone, I feel so empty now. omg.

 

I realize that I had no closure, last time I saw her she allowed herself to speak her mind, and I didn't do the same because I thought about taking the high road. But I feel that I could've said something for my own sake.

 

I had no closure then when she broke up, I had no closure when she visited my uni, I have no closure now. I don't even know what closure means anymore.

 

If anyone of you has something to let me know, please do so, and thanks very much for reading my post.

[HhappyY]

Hi pain,

 

I am in pain too. My relationship was 3 years and i have not seen her for 2 years just like you. I too, like u, have no closure. All the related stuffs i have piled up in a corner of my room and i have absolutely no idea what to do with them. I have similar feelings like you.

 

I have false hopes too. And i can feel empty too. Don't think about the future for you do not know what's gonna happen. How about a little kindness to anyone u meet?

[denise_14]

from a gal's point of view (or at least from my own), closure means that both parties are aware of the break up, and that even though one or both are not agreeable with it, the separation is made effective, out of respect to the decision of the partner.

 

i cling on to a lot of false hopes too (or should i say, i used to). it doesn't feel good, right? on the contrary, hope is supposedly a positive word, and it should not make us feel burdened. to finally reconcile my thoughts and issues, i made a distinction between expectations and hopes (although there's a very thin line between them).

 

reconciling with my ex is an expectation. i really want us to get back together but at this point, i really don't see it coming. so i decided to lower my expectations. you see, expecting is one way of hurting your self...

 

on the other hand, i still love him. i know i've moved on and my life's doing great now, but i still hope that someday, we'll be together again.

 

this is how i retain a positive outtlook in life while at the same time not fooling myself regarding my real feelings. i hope it works for you too... ^__^

[Rising]

Closure is such a tricky word. It has so many different definitions depending on who is using it and for what purposes. Some people think closure is something that two people come to through communication, others think it's when you dump that box of her stuff on her front porch, or delete her number from your cell phone. People see it as the real end to the break up. Crossed T's and Dotted I's.

 

I think closure is that moment when you realize that you'll never get that apology that you wish would have come from them. When you accept that there is no last conversation that would some how tie up the loose ends and answer the unanswered questions. Closure is when you say to yourself "It's over... and not because we agreed it's over... but because there is nothing that can happen at this point that can/will/should make a difference." Closure is letting go for real and deciding to move on.

[iminpain]

Closure is when..."It's over... and not because we agreed it's over... but because there is nothing that can happen at this point that can/will/should make a difference."

 

I think this is where I am finding myself in. The closure I was longing for was not really closure at all, but restoration. Restoring our friendship and then our relationship. I think I have some problems. I must be crazy.

 

Now it has been so long since the break-up, closure or no closure, "there is nothing that can happen at this point that can/will/should make a difference."

[amipushy]

You can't be friends until you have moved on emotionally. Consider this a set back and get back on the road to recovery.

[brian123]

I think NC is the best way to go with things 99% of the time. However, in my situation I do think it led to no closure, but things would have been MUCH harder if I stayed in contact with her the entire time.

[yankeefan74]

Yes, i've been in contact with my ex after the breakup. We work together, but we were still talking about things we should not have talked about, and it just caused me more pain. She went through more pain because of it as well.

 

She and i have moved into a stage where we are "friendly" but not friends. If we see each other, we'll say hello. In time, we'll probably chit-chat more...I don't agree with some of the decisions she's made, yet they mirror decisions she's made in the past...so i can't be surprised. Despite that, i do think a lot of her and i'm getting to the point where i sincerely want her to be happy, with or without me. That's been reflected in my attitude and demeanor around her.

 

We talked a bit about her daughter yesterday, and it got us both crying...but we did not discuss our past relationship. I think things will be just fine whether we become good friends down the road, something more again, or neither.

 

Frankly, if she came to me tomorrow and asked me to take her back, i probably would and it would end two weeks later as i would not be prepared for it. I'm not the guy she originally fell for.

 

Honestly, closure never comes from the other person, it comes from within yourself. Do i have it completely? No. But i'm getting there. I think you need to accept that things are over...it's been a long time, iminpain...i think you've delayed your healing with hope.

 

I was able to say to my ex everything i wanted to say, and it didn't help either one of us. It just reminded her that she still had feelings for me, but something made her decide to leave me - that confusion just wound up angering her. And for me, i thought if i could just say those things, she would jump back into my arms. And that didn't happen. So it hurt me as well.

[iminpain]

I think you need to accept that things are over...it's been a long time, iminpain...i think you've delayed your healing with hope.

 

I think so too. I feel lonely, depressed, and scared. I don't know how to proceed.

[amipushy]

You have to do what everyone else does I'm afraid and that's emotionally and mentally sit tight and let this pass.

[shygirl1212]

Pain,

 

So sorry to hear that you are going through this - I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is.

 

3 months since I ended my 8 year relationship and about 1 month of NC - I broke NC a few times after the break up hoping for some "closure" but it never came really...every conversation we had ended in a fight, more hurtful words and tears. I kept thinking I needed closure, but I didn't even know what that was, and I still don't.

 

How do you get closure on a bleeding heart?

 

For me, I've come to realize that "closure" and healing are separate - I feel that I really am on my path to healing but don't think I got "closure" on our relationship.

 

Not sure if this will help you at all but just wanted to give my thoughts to you...

[yankeefan74]

I think so too. I feel lonely, depressed, and scared. I don't know how to proceed.

 

I understand those feelings well. As for the loneliness...i'm sure you have friends and family...have you let them know you are still feeling this way about a breakup that was a while ago?

 

Do you allow yourself to cry?

 

Sometimes people hang on to the hurt because it's really all that is left of the relationship...in a way, you're hanging on to the last emotions she made you feel so you're still connected to her in that way.

 

You could seek someone professionally to talk about this - there's no shame...i have read many, many times that there are far more people in this country dealing with depression at levels much higher than what would be considered normal or typical.

 

But you are not alone, even if you had no family or friends. You have a message board full of people who are either going through what you are going through, or have gone through it in the past. In some cases, you have people posting on other parts of the board who unfortunately WILL be going through all this soon. It's a part of life, it's one thing that connects us all, and you need to remember there are people here for you.

[iminpain]

reconciling with my ex is an expectation. i really want us to get back together but at this point, i really don't see it coming. so i decided to lower my expectations. you see, expecting is one way of hurting your self...

 

I've been hurting myself for the past two years. I love her so much, and she used to love me too, but she resents me. I can't seem to get pass this.

 

on the other hand, i still love him. i know i've moved on and my life's doing great now, but i still hope that someday, we'll be together again.

 

I wonder why/how do you keep the hope when you have moved on.

[iminpain]

I understand those feelings well. As for the loneliness...i'm sure you have friends and family...have you let them know you are still feeling this way about a breakup that was a while ago?

 

I have a few friends back in my hometown, many of them left town for professional reasons. All except one of my friends do not relate to my heartbreak since they're all in stable relationships, some friends that my ex-gf and I used to have in common that knew about the break-up have not responded to my emails and phone calls.

 

Do you allow yourself to cry?

 

I've cried a lot during the first year of the break-up.

 

 

Sometimes people hang on to the hurt because it's really all that is left of the relationship...in a way, you're hanging on to the last emotions she made you feel so you're still connected to her in that way.

 

This is heartbreaking.

 

 

But you are not alone...and you need to remember there are people here for you.

 

Thank you for your kindness.

[iminpain]

I kept thinking I needed closure, but I didn't even know what that was, and I still don't.

 

How do you get closure on a bleeding heart?

 

What is closure? That is the question. Do we want closure to come from the ex or to come from us, or both? What is the form of this closure that we long for? Are we fooling ourselves by longing for closure when we really are longing for restoration?

 

The thing that hurts the most is when the exes move on, their feelings for us are the same feelings that we have toward complete strangers in the streets, by which I mean no feelings whatsoever. What happened to the love they had in their hearts for us? Where did it go?