iminpain Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Sorry in advanced for the long post. I haven't been here for awhile but I need to express myself. Please feel free to check my other postings for more detail. It has been almost two years since my ex-gf of 3 years broke up with me. When she broke up, she blamed her unhappiness on me. Things with her life were not going well, in particular, she couldn't finish her university degree while I was almost getting mine done. She broke up two weeks before my last final exam. I tried to talk to her during/after the break-up, but she was so resentful and standoff-ish. I was deeply hurt for a year for taking the blame. I maintained NC for a year and a half. After the first year, I decided to move on and went to graduate school in a different city. Then I saw her again last April, she came to visit the department as a potential new grad student. I was so surprised, nervous, and happy to see her again. But she wasn't happy to see me. She even brought up things from the past and made sure I felt bad, then she tells me not to talk about the past and that she doesn't care. This happened two weeks before my term finals. lol. I was floored, I mean, this was a woman that I believed at the time loved me as much as I loved her. I still remember two days before the break-up she told me that she loved and adored me. Anyway, for some crazy reason, after I saw her, after all the hurt, I was still secretly hoping that she'd do her studies at the same department. I was living a crazy false hope that we'd get a chance to restore a friendship and a relationship. I must've been out of my mind! Well, after half a year of NC today, I find out that she's pursuing her studies somewhere else. Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I feel that I haven't even tried to let go almost two years ago, that I was in complete utter denial for almost two years, even after the way she treated me during her visit at the uni. I'm so sad and depressed right now, I did NC, I tried to move on or so I thought, but I still had this insane hope, this insane false hope for some restoration even in the face of undisputable evidence of the contrary. I must be crazy. The thing that helped me survived during NC was this self-defeating hope, and now I realize today that she's gone, truly gone, I feel so empty now. omg. I realize that I had no closure, last time I saw her she allowed herself to speak her mind, and I didn't do the same because I thought about taking the high road. But I feel that I could've said something for my own sake. I had no closure then when she broke up, I had no closure when she visited my uni, I have no closure now. I don't even know what closure means anymore. If anyone of you has something to let me know, please do so, and thanks very much for reading my post. Link to comment
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