Do I push him too much??

[c h a n i e]

My boyfriend and I are in a fairly serious relationship, even though we haven't even been together for a year.

 

We both want the same things, the house, the children etc. And generally get along pretty well.

 

He says he wants to marry me one day and calls me 'wifey' (so sweet!)

 

When we started dating he smoked, would go drinking and clubbing alot, played the pokies or 'slots' a fair bit and would generally waste all his money.

 

We decided to stop clubbing and drinking (both our decisions) which also stopped alot of arguments.

 

I wanted to quit smoking, so he tried, but used to cheat and smoke and lie about it all, which we fought about alot and I would try to get him to buy patches.

 

He didn't have any insurance on his car and I nagged him for about 4 months to get it. He finally did. I just didn't want him to be driving a car that he is in so much debt for around without it. Especially when they are a target for theft and vandalism etc.

 

He is in about 25k debt and I have been trying to help him do up budgets and things so he can pay the loan off earlier.

 

He wants to get a house with me next year, but I don't want to struggle financially and if he doesn't pull his socks up he wont have any money saved for a deposit, or may even still be in debt.

 

I tried to get him to pay extra off of his loan, but he wouldn't, he has started another account that he deposits money in, but that was even a hastle to get him to do.

 

Last financial year he earnt around he 90k and has NOTHING to show for it.

 

I told my friend all of this and she said it sounds like i'm a nagger...

 

I'm only looking out for his best interest and our future's best interest. I don't want to have to pay a house loan off by myself.

 

What do you think?

[Maya_A]

I think a partner's financial habits (especially if they are not good at all) are very relevant to the other potential marriage partner. As you say, you do not want to pay a house you are both living in, off by yourself. Or have other dire problems because of poor finance management.

 

That he made 90k and had nothing to show for it says something more about his spending habits & responsibility around that.

 

Driving without car insurance is not wise but this would be his jurisdiction so to speak.

He'd have to deal with any consequences of getting caught.

 

Quitting smoking belongs to him also. He will have to do this in his own time in his own way if he even wants to.

 

But once again, I think you have all the "right" in the world to be concerned about his spending habits if you are thinking on marrying this person & sharing a financial life together...

[greensleeves]

I agree with everything Maya says. The lack of car insurance shows a complete lack of responsibility and it may be his jurisdiction now, but I would not become financially entangled with someone who would take that risk. I'm not sure how it is in Australia, but here in Canada if you're driving without insurance, it's against the law and if you were ever in an accident where someone was seriosuly injured you could end up financially ruined for a very long time.

 

How come the two of you haven't been together for a year?

[Tom the fool]

It sounds to me like the two of you have very different attitudes about money. From any objective perspective, you are more responsible about it than he is. But knowing this hardly resolves the problem, because he still deserves to be respected and treated like the man in the relationship. The goal, then, is for the two of you to work something out that doesn't involve your nagging him (because, well, you probably are). I've known quite a lot of married couples in which the wife basically takes care of the month-to-month finances. That doesn't work for everyone, and (even if it would work for the two of you) it obviously isn't something you can sort of spring on someone unilaterally, in a kind of give-me-all-your-money manner.

 

More generally, it sounds like you are pushing him about more than just money matters. Two points about this.

1. Pick your battles well. If he's like any normal human being, he needs to feel like he's got enough freedom to make some decisions on his own, to have some responsibilities (at 90K he might be the breadwinner), and to involve you in things he likes to do (rather than giving up all his favorite activities and doing whatever you want, which may not be happening of course, but it's important to make the point). And if he feels like you need him to be perfect, then he's not going to be honest with you about his imperfections. If you actually do need him to be perfect, however, then give up now. There's no chance. He won't be.

2. Make decisions together, and really involve him in the process. Don't decide x and then figure out how to get him to do it. Don't decide at all until the two of you have discussed it.

 

The last point to make is that actually executing any of these things really requires good intuition about where he's coming from and what your needs are.

 

And of course, only take this advice for what it's worth. If it doesn't ring true in your case, it probably isn't.

[c h a n i e]

I don't tell him he can't do things, like go to the movies or other things he enjoys. I just want him to put some money away.

 

I work two jobs, 8am - 5pm at my first and then 8pm-1am at my second 5 days a week.

 

He is an electrician, gets rdo's and works half the amount of hours as me and gets the same amount of money as me. I save about $750 a week after expenses and work damn hard to be able to do that. It just annoys me that he goes and blows all of his when he tells me he wants to get a house and have kids in the next few years.

 

He would be happy paying the loan off for the rest of his life. He is financially irresponsible. I don't think he minds putting extra money away or getting insurance, he is just to slack to do it and seriously if I hadn't said anything he would not have gotten it.

 

In Australia insurance is not compulsary, well we do have ctp, comprehensive third party, which you MUST purchase with your registration. It only covers if you kill someone or do damage to public property.

 

You can get full comprehensive which covers your vehicle fully for fire, theft, accidents and the other vehicle or property that is damaged if you are at fault, or the other vehicle or person does not have insurance.

 

He still has debt from the car before the car he has now (about 5 years ago) and a computer from the same time which is obviously out of date and not used. So many things he just keeps adding up instead of paying them off and then getting another loan if needs be.

 

I want to have children. I do love him. I do see myself with him in the future. I just don't want to struggle financially and I don't want to be busting my * * * * trying to pay a loan off and him just bludging along blowing his money while I don't spend a cent on anything but the esentials. And when we have children... I want to stay home. He would have to cover both our incomes. I don't want to have 6 months off when I have a baby and lose everything I have worked so hard for.

 

Is there any way I can get him to change his habits without nagging him? Knowing that he won't do anything if I don't say anything?

 

Thanks for the replies so far, they are very helpful.

[c h a n i e]

 

How come the two of you haven't been together for a year?

 

I mean we have only been together for 8 months. We haven't hit the 1st anniversary yet. Although I had known him for a year before we started dating and were really good friends I never was aware of his financial problems.

[fragmint]

i hate to say this but you havent even been together for a year. please do not get into any contracts, loans or own any property shared with this person. itll only drag you down and you'll end up paying it all yourself and at a high interest rate cause of HIS bad habits. i think you should take a step back to review this relationship and see if you want to continue to deal with this. most likely he will not change much in his financial habits. and when you get into arguments hell likely say stuff like you nag him too much, or blow you off, or say that hell do it later and never will do it, or make excuses, make it look like youre putting too much pressure on him to do something good for HIM, etc. he is acting like a child.

 

hes in a huge amount of debt and instead of looking for ways to change this he just continues blowing it off and blownig his money away. this is not a guy you wanna be talking about getting a house together and having kids with. my bf was like this in a way but when we decided we wanted to be together he has changed so much and strives to be out of debt (which he is now) and to get a good job/career started so we can get a home when we're ready.

 

i would suggest you dont take this relationship too seriously, since he clearly isnt by not looking out for both his and your best interest as a couple in the future.

[c h a n i e]

Thanks... I do really love him though. And it should be love over money right?

 

I just don't want to be a nagging gf, but how can I stop when that the only thing that gets results?

 

So I guess all i'm really asking is Are my expectations unreasonable? Are there any other ways to get relults without having to bug him and keep reminding him?

[greensleeves]

I mean we have only been together for 8 months. We haven't hit the 1st anniversary yet. Although I had known him for a year before we started dating and were really good friends I never was aware of his financial problems.

 

Oh...I thought you meant you were in a LDR. If you've only been with him eight months, I think it might be a good idea to take a step back. He knows what you're looking for and he has to decide whether he wants the same things. If he does, he'll make the necessary changes, it not he won't and you should look for someone more compatible. I'd be leery of rushing into anything and you should look into the laws where you live as to whether or not marrying him would make you partially or even fully responsible for his debts if things didn't work out.

 

I do have to say though, it's comendable that you work two jobs, save so much and only purchase the essentials, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to have some fun money as well. He's obviously gone way overboard with that, but you have set some very high standards to live up to.

[fragmint]

Thanks... I do really love him though. And it should be love over money right?

 

I just don't want to be a nagging gf, but how can I stop when that the only thing that gets results?

 

So I guess all i'm really asking is Are my expectations unreasonable? Are there any other ways to get relults without having to bug him and keep reminding him?

 

 

one of the biggest reasons for divorce is over money, so i dont think money sits too low inthe list of things to work out with your spouse or future/potential spouse. also putting love over money can be different for each person. it could mean trying to work things out and helping the person you love deal with money issues, OR it could mean going into debt and pretty much making your life miserable and unhappy because you cant stand to part with the person you 'love'. you can decide yourself if its worth it.

 

if that is the only thing that gets results is nagging then i guess that is all you can do. one day though you will be tired of nagging and he will be tired of your nagging and i predict it wont be a pretty day.

 

your expectations are not unreasonable, they are common sense and very reasonable. other than continue to 'nag' or try to convince or encourage him to change there isnt much you can do. again, you decide if its worth it