Need some serious help from the veterans of enotalone!!!

[MrPresidentUSA]

So here's another story about a guy who can't seem to get past his break up. There were many mistakes made by both parties and I am going to lay it all out. No punches pulled. I'm sure I already know what most of you will say but here goes anyway.

 

When first came off of active duty in the Marines, I started college in Buffalo N.Y. at E.C.C. At that time met a girl and we dated for 18 months or so. During that time however, I had a pretty big crush on her friend Amanda. I graduated in 2005 and transferred to Cornell University and graduated in 2007. In that time, my girlfriend and I split fairly amicably and still remain friends. After a brief period of not talking, we joined each others facebook page and I found Amanda on my ex's page. We started messaging and within two months time we were very interested in each other. The problem however was the fact that I was no longer in Buffalo but rather 3 1/2 hours away down state. We started talking more and I told her would be up her way in about 2 weeks for my reserve drill (I stayed in the reserves). We met up and like most first times with a love interest, it was sublimely phenomenol. I loved being in her presense and was trying desperately to find awato relocate back to the Buffalo area (my mother and sisters live here as well as her so it was doubly sweet). Now begins the trouble. The next monthly drill was the following month in March and when I came after drill to see her and look for a job, my car broke down so I ended up de facto living with her. I got sick for a few days and she took me to the VA, used the internet at her job to look up good matches for jobs for me and applied to a few for me (she did not have the internet at the apartment). For the first time in my life however, I felt overwhelmed. My debt began to mount, when I finally did get a job, she had to take me due to my car being broken down, and the stress started to mount.

 

Now, before you go thinking I'm a complete scumbag, there were a few red flags that I ignored because I did then and still do love her very much. We took a weekend trip to D.C. to visit one of my oldest friends who I was also inthe Marines with. The trip started great and she paid for most everything because I still did not yet have a job at this point. Shortly after everyone arrived, she started telling me how she didn't like the one girl there and thought she was fake. This girl was my friend Kim whom my two other buddies have been pining over for years but me, she was just a pal. Kim made a comment while we were out that night dancing about how my moves were "hot" and Amanda flipped out. When I tried to calm her down, she accused me of siding with Kim and disrespecting her for not seeing her way. Needles to say, all of my friends saw this side of her and were concerned.

 

After we got back to Buffalo, things returned to normality somewhat. I was working a crummy retail job and the fighting began to mount. She would say how I was not who I purported to be and promised so much about how I knew how to treat a woman and a failed. These fights usually resolved themselves the same day however and we both chalked it up to the stress we were currently under. She said she no longer wanted to rent and began looking for a house. We spent many days doing the hunting and finally found one. She put in an offer at the end of May and it was accepted the next day. We celebrated and all was well.

 

The big breakdown happened the following week. Her brother was coming up to visit from Tampa and her being Italian, family is huge for her. I met him and gave him a wine flask and tried to make a good impression. The next day however, would prove to be the beginning of the end. For whatever reason, I was in a crappy mood the next day and she asked me if I wanted to go over with her to her parents house and visit. I agreed but said I had wanted to go watch the new Indiana Jones movie at some point that night. When we got there, her brother (not having a car up here as he flew) borrowed hers (which we came over in) to go make an appearance at a wedding. Needless to say, he stayed all night and I was in a sour mood for the rest of the night. Up until now, her parents really liked me and she would tell me how that was a good sign as no one had ever been taken in by them like me. From that night on, I never did go over there again. She told me that because of my behavior that night, she saw me in a different light when I know all it was was just a bad mood.

 

Now it is the first week of June and its disolving fast. She starts going out with her friends again alot more and wants nothing to do with me. She tells me how she's glad she didn't bring me to a bonfire party herfriends had because I wasn't "manly" enough to hang with them. She tells me shes not sexualy attracted to me any longer and for all intents and purposes, we are through but that I can stay there living until she moves out to her house on the first of August. A few weeks prior to all of this, she even paid to fix my car ($1100). On the 16th of June though, I had to leave for a week to Quantco Virginia for training with my reserve unit. I told her before I left to think about what she really wanted during the week I was gone and we'd talk when I returned. When I did finally return, Iwasn't whiny any longer, I didn't cry that we were breaking up like I had. I just looked at her and told her I still loved her but couldn't go on like it had been. She agreed and we had great make-up sex. A few days later however, drama returned!

 

As juvenile as it sounds, when she broke up with me, I delete her from myspace. When I got home, I asked her to put me back and I saw she had deleted the poem I had written for her on Valentines Day in her blogs. I got weak and a little upset and asked why. She launched into this assault saying how "it's MYSPACE!!! It doesn't mean ANYTHING! We are too old and shouldn't have it anyway!" (She was 27, me 28). I took it differently because she changed her status to single so I looked at that as disrespect. She as telling me she wants to work it out yet was advertising to everyone else her single status. At this point, I decided to play her game. I started messaging a girl whom I knew back where I moved from. She was also living with her BF and their relationship was also rocky so we decided to make them jealous. We started flirty messages back and forth and talked on the phone once. I sent hera text message on a phone Amanda provided me with saying "Good night my swedish princess" to this other girl. I was in the shower on the morning of July 3rd when Amanda came home from work (she works the graveyard) and read the message in my outbox. She blew up, told me to get out and that she was done with me. At first I was stunned having only been awake for 5 minutes or so so when she called me out on the text I replied "shes my cousin." Then when actually tried to explain what this girl and I had tried to do, Amanda would not listen. She threw all of my belongings out, told everyone I had cheated (but it was just myspace and doesn't mean anything) and launched into huge personal attacks. Like most guys, when we weren't intimate I watched porn on the computer. Ask anyone who has visited a porn siteand they will tell you about the numerous pop-ups from all kinds of porn. She went and posted astatus update saying how I watched gay and animal porn and make her sick. No matter what I tried to say or do, she would not listen. The other girl I talked with got nasty emails from her and her BF called Amanda and lied to Amanda saying this has been going on for months which is completely false. I talked to this girl the other day and she even told me that he came clean to her and lied to Amanda.

 

Amanda will not speak to me or have nothing to do with me now and all because she over-reacted to that text. I love her despite it all even though I ask myself how given the things she has said about me. I really want her to know the truth however and if she then doesn't want me then so be it. I'd rather be rejected through my own merit (or lack thereof) rather than some guy whom I have never met spewing forth hate and discontent. Please enotalone veterans, help me I beg of you.

[Steve 7745]

You dug your own grave. You made so many errors and problems, how do you expect to repair all that damage overnight?

 

All that talk about using jealousy to bring a girl back, that's just the match. You've sloshed your relationship with enough gasoline to burn a city with all this fighting and getting pissed about the strangest and most pointless things. Who cares about the Indiana Jones movie? You could catch it another time. And the internet? You probably could have just asked and explained your case about it. Or, you could have just put your status down as single too. An eye for an eye.

 

You took left instead of right too often, and people can only tolerate so much before you set them off for good. You reached that point, and setting yourself up to look like you were cheating was not an act of wisdom. You're going to have to wait, probably years, for her to calm down enough not to care. There are no miracle cures here. If we knew, no one would be using this particular forum, we'd be with our no-longer-exs. People scorn morals, and then wonder why no one will trust them.

 

No one can help you beyond your capacity to help yourself.

[MrPresidentUSA]

Thanks. I figured that was the case and looking back I can see the many mistakes I made but isn't the point to learn from them? I KNOW I made many wrong turns but now I'm trying to make the correct one. So I was right then wasn't I? I screwed it up for good. That's pretty much what I though everyone would say and I just got my first confirmation.

[annie24]

i guess in addition to the 'fake cheating' (which really backfired!!!!) i'm confused about some things. and the 'it's my cousin' thing is oh so lame! transparent and seethrough, that's not your cousin.

 

if you have a degree from cornell, one of the best universities in the country, why are you working a crappy retail job? i'm sure you can find better. and why was she applying for jobs for you? shouldn't you have been doing that yourself?

 

I mean, i think she made some mistakes too - looking for jobs for you, buying a house together... but then starts to feel resentful when she doesn't feel like she is getting back what she put into the relationship. if i were her friend, i would have told her to not buy the house with you and not to pay for all your stuff, unless you were engaged to be married. otherwise, it just breeds resentment, as you see.

 

i also agree, i would not feel comfortable dating someone who changed their status to 'single' on myspace or any site like that. i am not comfortable with someone representing themselves to the outside world as single, if they are not.

[MrPresidentUSA]

So the consensus is that any hope is gone? I should just get over this and forget about her? I do know that about 2 weeks after she left me, she was all excited about some other guy and she was posting status updates about him on facebook. Just as soon as she got all excited about him however, he was caught with another girl and it collapsed as quickly as it started with that guy. Her facebook page still says single. While she did delete the picture from her album of the first rose I got her on our first date, she left pictures in her album of her cat laying on me and her wearing my camouflage uniform. There are no distinct pics up of me however but she must have seen that she still had them up because she edited that album a few days ago. Am I reading too much into this. She told me I would be nothing but a piece of crap in her eyes and nothing could ever change that but she keeps pictures of her wearing my stuff as a sort of reminder? This confuses me. Any insights?

[Steve 7745]

Here you go.

 

I try not to prescribe NC to everything, but it sounds like your relationship with her is so dead in the water, the last one who acknowledges this is you. It's over man. Grieve, cry, get over it. Forget the Marine training about "no weakness", mourn on your own time to get over her.

 

All you can do is mourn and accept that it's over, and learn from your mistakes. You can get mad at this, you could even take it out on me or this board, but it won't change the fact that your relationship is finished and you inadvertantly are the cause. Delete her from MySpace and Facebook, and take a few months to get over it.

 

If you want me to put some sugar on this to make it go down, I can say that the only way you could ever get back with her, in a genuine way with no tricks or pathetic methods, is to get over her. If she loves you, she will come back when you finally go from NC to LC and see how she's been.

 

Good luck.

[MrPresidentUSA]

But if she's so done with me, why does she keep pics of her wearing my stuff? I appreciate your advice and its pretty much my conclusion as well. I guess I just thought there might be residual feelings and had we begun our relationship differently, we could have made it. If she truly wants to be rid of me, wouldn't she get rid of such reminders as pics of her wearing my stuff?

[Steve 7745]

But if she's so done with me, why does she keep pics of her wearing my stuff? I appreciate your advice and its pretty much my conclusion as well. I guess I just thought there might be residual feelings and had we begun our relationship differently, we could have made it. If she truly wants to be rid of me, wouldn't she get rid of such reminders as pics of her wearing my stuff?

 

Because it's just stuff. It sincerely does not matter. Let it go.

[MrPresidentUSA]

She insists I cheated when I did not. I want her to know the truth. The other girls BF even admitted to her that he lied to Amanda. Doesn't that count for something?

[Steve 7745]

She insists I cheated when I did not. I want her to know the truth. The other girls BF even admitted to her that he lied to Amanda. Doesn't that count for something?

 

Why do you want this drama back? You go through all this anguish and pain to try and win back someone who calls you a liar and accuses you of watching gay and animal porn?

 

Could you imagine what would happen if she divorced you? What she would take? That she would want to genuinely hurt you? She's certainly been doing a good job with the materials at hand, by the way.

 

You can deny all you want that it's over. I encourage it, it's part of the five phases of mourning, but no matter what toppings you add, it's over.

[MrPresidentUSA]

My friends say the same thing. I mean, she was an NFL cheerleader and now coaches HS cheerleading so its like she craves drama in her life. Believe me, I know she's said crappy stuff but I can't seem to make my heart realize this. I love her so yeah I guess I'll just have to get over it. She won't even entertain the truth. She doesn't even want to listen which almost tells me she was just looking for a reason to leave me. The night she left me, she texted my mother and told her she was going to miss her and my sisters but couldn't be with a cheater. My mother asked and I told her what happened. Such a mess...

[Steve 7745]

My friends say the same thing. I mean, she was an NFL cheerleader and now coaches HS cheerleading so its like she craves drama in her life. Believe me, I know she's said crappy stuff but I can't seem to make my heart realize this. I love her so yeah I guess I'll just have to get over it. She won't even entertain the truth. She doesn't even want to listen which almost tells me she was just looking for a reason to leave me. The night she left me, she texted my mother and told her she was going to miss her and my sisters but couldn't be with a cheater. My mother asked and I told her what happened. Such a mess...

 

Well. Next time don't play games with someone. I stopped being a PUA the day that "playing games" hurt someone I cared about and cost me someone I genuinely loved. Playing "the Game" always means that there are winners and losers and NOTHING is for keeps. And sooner or later, everyone loses.

[MrPresidentUSA]

So there are no 2nd chances?

[Steve 7745]

So there are no 2nd chances?

 

Yeah, in six months to a couple of years maybe. But I wouldn't bank on it.

 

Besides, it sounds like after you guys broke up the first time, you've already played your second chance.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>I sent hera text message on a phone Amanda provided me with saying "Good night my swedish princess" to this other girl.

 

My mind is boggled that you'd send such a text to another girl so she would find it. The majority of women will dump a guy and not look back if they sincerely suspect the guy is cheating. Basically an unrecoverable tactical error combined with the other girl's boyfriend saying you two had been flirting up a storm for a long time. You don't flirt like that without consequences, regardless of whether you cheated or not. Jealousy games frequently backfire.

 

And it sounds like you had too many other issues, like offending her family, not having a good job etc. That text was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I doubt she'd take you back. This falls in the category of live and learn, and don't ever play those kind of jealousy games again.

 

She may just like the picture of herself and her cat on the myspace page... don't read too much into that. Just take time to heal and move on.

[MrPresidentUSA]

The thing about her family is they really liked me and mine liked her. Its just tough to accept that because of a series of bad decisions that something promising could have gone so far south. I haven't responded to the 2 texts she sent me since july 25th (the last time I talked to her). They were regarding my paying her back for fixing my car which I sent the check to her yesterday. I always got along great with her family but I had a bad day and apologized for it. Aren't you supposed to forgive? And the jealousy game was only to illustrate how she was making me feel by her berating my comment about myspace so I did the same hoping she could then empathize. This really sucks.

[Steve 7745]

I'm sure the whole break up was a huge let down for everyone. Her, her family, your family and especially yourself. And I'm equally sure that losing Vietnam was a blow to the moral of many veterans, or getting only a silver instead of a gold in the Olympics. This sensation you're feeling is called loss. It's similar to a champion who just lost the title in boxing, having spent years at the top and losing it. You came tumbling down and blaming yourself for all your actions and feeling guilty. You're suddenly pervious to pain, you suddenly know anguish.

 

I don't know how else to explain this. Maybe have a referee hold up three fingers to your face to show you the count, or have a friend back hand you accross the face to get a reality check. The relationship is over. There is nothing more you can say or do for her that will undo this.

 

Even if you were trying to illustrate jealousy, her status was only set to single, a brow raiser, but that's nothing compared to being caught with signs of emotional cheating. She used a needle on your pride and you used a machete on hers.

 

Everything I've offered may sound brutal and cold, but there will be people on this board and beyond who will agree with me that this is the best answer. I don't like doing this, but someone has too. Go ask a good dad how he feels when he has to spank his kids. It's kind of like that.

 

"But! But! But!" Will not bring her back. It sincerely never has, and many of the veterans you've asked for help will agree.

 

It's over man. The best thing you can do is accept that fact and get started on recovery.

[MrPresidentUSA]

You're right of course. I just wished I would have done things differently. I regret many of my actions. I just wish she knew how much I really love her. I haven't bothered her in over a month and I'm sort or regressing. I miss her and wish she knew that things could be better but I know that's futile. I'll do what I have to to move on but I don't want to. I feel like we got cheated out of a good relationship because of several bad decisions.

[MrPresidentUSA]

Is there no one that see's a glimmer or hope perhaps? Do I still have a sliver of a shot?

[Steve 7745]

Is there no one that see's a glimmer or hope perhaps? Do I still have a sliver of a shot?

 

Sometimes, silence is its own answer.

[MrPresidentUSA]

Yeah I'm pathetic because I want to make it up to my ex and be the BF I should have been to her. Despite her and my flaws, I want to make her happy. I also want to be happy and I really do believe we could be. Judging from the responses ( or lack thereof) on here however, it would appear that like most everyone else, I'm just suposed to say screw it and move on without hope. Thanks for all your help ENA!

[MrPresidentUSA]

Just in case anyone thinks they know better, I wanted to give an update. As you can see from the date of this original post that I wrote back in August, I made a lot of mistakes with my ex and did everything I could to try and salvage our relationship. I have been NC since August 25th and she called and emailed twice (once about some money I owed which I payed without answering her call or text and one other time in October to tell me the State Police called to do a pre-employment background check and she said she just wanted me to know she ignored them because "she thinks it would be best that way"). Well here it is December 29th and like an idiot I got curious. I did not contact her but I may as well because a friend of mine is still on her facebook. I asked her to tell me if she was seeing someone and the answer was yes. She even sent me a couple of pictures that my ex had posted of her and her new beau. I thought I'd be fine but it stung and I relaized I'm not over her. In the time since we broke up, I also have decided to go back into the Marine Corps as an officer and I'm leaving the Buffalo area on January 8th for Officer Candidates School. Part of me wants to see her before I go but then I ask myself, "why and for what?" I honestly don't know why I'm still hung up on her. Maybe because I want to be that guy in the photo with her like I was? Because I screwed up and want to fix it still? Because I'm still hurting and she's all happy and in love with someone new and I'm still pining? They even got dressed up in matching sailor costumes for Halloween in the one picture, yuck! I'm just an incurable sap and need to man up and stop being a girl. I really need some more self-respect don't I? Anyone have any insightful cliches for this sad excuse for a Marine (suposed to be tough, ha!)? Thanks in advance.

[Santerme]

Insightful cliches, try Polonius...'To thine ownself be true'.