Another bad ending

[phish]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

 

I love my friend -and not necessarily in a romantic way. I'm actively interested in her wellbeing as well as her succeeding in life. She is manic-depressive and has border-line personality problems. And I'm burned out with her.

 

She was horribly lonely last year because all her friends ditched her. I expected, as I think she did too, that when we got the house, and roommates, she would have a better social circle. But we've been here a month, and she has had plenty of opportunities to get out there, but all she does is feel bad and sit at her computer for hours. She doesn't even play with the dogs anymore. She's not making any meaningful effort, and there is nothing I can do. I expected her to really start taking care of herself, something that she is capable of doing, but she hasn't, and I have my own life to live, and to sit here and waste time while she willingly rots away is not what I want. I simply cannot be the only person in the world that sees her everyday and wants her to make it through life. Thats too much of a burden on me -something I don't deserve. She knows it too.

 

So I told her this, and now she thinks that since I had feelings for her in the past, the only reason I've stuck around her for so long is because I wanted to get with her. Yeah, I did, but thats not why I pulled away from other friends, and spent too much time and money with/on her. I did it because she has more potential than anybody I know, and it would be horribly sad for her not live up to it. I wanted her to do well because I know she deserves it. But she can't see how I'd be burned out for any other reason than not being able to have a relationship with her. After all, thats what every other guy wants. Nobody can just be her friend. Girls can't stand her, and guys just want her body.

 

We are both on the lease, but I can get out of it once I become active military, and it seems to me that if she continues to characterize my love and devotion toward as only an attempt to have sex with her, then I'm not going to put my future financial situation at risk for her. She can handle the house on her own, and the only benefit of me being on the lease is that if she messes this house up, she would only owe the bank 50%. We've only been in the house a month, and its a year long lease. Do you guys think I'm in the right if get out it? It was both our idea to get the house and the lease...

[jettison]

I think this situation is pretty complicated. Once you want someone, and you've been rebuffed, all your subsequent interactions are likely to be tainted a little bit. That sexual component is always there. I hear you talking about her like one might a kid-sister, but that's just not how people talk about their romantic interests. In your post, you basically describe this messed up person that you feel sorry for. Did you always look at her this way?

 

If so, that's just going to be a recipe for disaster. If you're feeling sorry for her then she's going to sense that, and all of your interactions will be tainted by that vibe. From you she's a person who would like to sleep with her AND thinks she's a disaster. Those two components don't mix for her romantically and likely never will/would.

 

It was also a bad idea for you to move in with each other knowing that there are latent romantic feelings involved. From an outsiders's perspective, it's going to appear like you were trying to keep her close to you because she wouldn't be your girlfriend. I'm not saying that's what happened, but only how it could appear.

 

At the very beginning of your post, the verbiage is pretty wishy wash when you say, "I love my friend -and not necessarily in a romantic way." Yeah, I don't buy it. I think you're in love with your friend who could have potentially saw something in you (maybe, I don't know the whole situation) if you didn't look at her as this tragic project.

[Daegas]

I think his idea was to fix her up, then get with her, but she isn't fixing.....

[jettison]

I think his idea was to fix her up, then get with her, but she isn't fixing.....

 

That seems about right. Women rarely ever take to a guy that tries to fix her.

[phish]

Naw, I wasn't trying to fix and get with her....she can't be 'fixed,' but I had hoped that I could at least help her be in a situation where shouldn't be so lonely and dependent on only one person to exclusion of every one else she knows like last year. I spent all last year helping her out, and everything was fine. But she needs more than just one person to care about her...

[jettison]

Naw, I wasn't trying to fix and get with her....she can't be 'fixed,' but I had hoped that I could at least help her be in a situation where shouldn't be so lonely and dependent on only one person to exclusion of every one else she knows like last year. I spent all last year helping her out, and everything was fine. But she needs more than just one person to care about her...

 

Have you let her know, in no uncertain terms, how much you've helped her out? This may be part of the problem. People generally don't take well to someone telling them how important they are to their well-being and/or life. Some things just weren't met to be set to words, and this is one of them.

[phish]

hmmm, that makes sense

[Daegas]

That seems about right. Women rarely ever take to a guy that tries to fix her.

I think that it has more to do with how the guy goes about it than them being not taking to a guy that tries to fix her. Guys generally are not delicate enough about it. To be able to fix a person you need to display an uncanny amount of knowledge and insight to get them to trust you with their minds.

[Karmageddon]

Have you considered the fact that you may be enabling her?