Why can't I move on...?

[fclaires]

First of all, thanks in advance for reading and offering any insight into my issue. This will most likely be a ridiculously long post, as there's a lot of ground to cover.

 

My fiancee and I have been together for about 5 years, and engaged for about a year and a half (we were supposed to get married this October - glad I found out all of this BS before the wedding).

 

We have dealt with infidelity in the past, but have received counselling and have (HAD) been working on making our relationship stronger and moving forward with our lives together. That was hard enough for me to do, but I honestly believed, after everything we went through, that he was regretful and was working to change his ways (and I am not an easy person to convince). We went on like this for about 2 years and everything seemed great. Although I was generally a bit more suspicious and wary of his activities, I never found any indication that he was up to his old habits.

 

Then, two weeks ago, everything went to ****.

 

For about 6 weeks previous to this, I had been noticing a few of his old behavior patterns resurfacing - changing computer and account passwords, staying on the computer late into the night, lots of text messaging, etc. Not to mention, I just had that "gut feeling" that something wasn't right.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I could no longer control my suspicions and did a bit of investigating. While he was in the shower one afternoon, I picked up his phone and checked his call history and text messages. I know he had a friend who was female (I didn't have a good feeling about her, but never had any solid proof to go on, so I let it ride until I knew the whole story). He'd been calling her, texting her and e-mailing her upwards of 30 times a day some days. I got on his computer and checked his IM/Chat logs and found out that they had been basically having a relationship for several months, with me none the wiser. She had been over to my house while I was at work. He sent her romantic messages, sexual messages/emails/texts, and - probably the worst of all for me to read - had been telling her how horrible I was and how he couldn't stand being around me, among many other insulting, negative and false statements about me and our relationship. I've been nothing but supportive of him, and although I did just get a rather large promotion and have been working a few extra hours, I tried to always make time for "us", and supported all of his hobbies, bought him all the newest gadgets, and basically did anything and everything for him (I know, what a dumb***, you don't need to tell me. Ha.). He's unemployed right now, so I have been the sole breadwinner in the household. I guess this just gave him a lot of extra time during the day to engage in....whatever they were engaging in.

 

During my investigation, I also uncovered that he had been talking to an ex-girlfriend and planning to meet with her while she was in town later this month. They exchanged several pages worth of sexual text messages and instant messages, including a few that were extremely graphic. He told her he still loved her.

 

It took me a minute to collect my thoughts about all of this, but when I finally confronted him, it was with a pile of his clothes and a $100 bill, telling him to get out and get a hotel.

 

He did leave, but came back a few hours later and I stupidly let him back in the house. Partly out of habit, and partly out of sheer curiosity as to what he could possibly have to say for himself.

 

He cried, begged, pleaded and basically broke me down enough that I allowed him to stay temporarily until he could find another place. I realize that he does not deserve my kindness or pity after what he did, but I honestly couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I know he doesn't have a job, his family doesn't have the means to put him up, and he basically has nowhere to go. As much as I might hate someone, I cannot simply put them out on the streets. I suggested that he go live with one of the other women, but one lives with HER fiancee (though probably not for long, because I told him everything and sent him the chat, email and text logs....I guess that's that classic Scorpio revenge coming out), and the other lives out of state and is apparently also unemployed (what a shock; like attracts like, I guess).

 

So I guess my dilemma is this:

I've (stupidly) gotten myself in this situation where he is still living in my house. He seems to believe somehow that we are "working things out" and that he's getting his life together and that I should give him another chance to regain my trust. He eventually owned up to everything, and said that his own insecurities and low self-esteem caused him to seek acceptance from others (I call BS, but I digress...)

I can't stand to be in the same room with him. I'm suspicious of every move he makes, every phone call he takes, every e-mail he writes.

 

I'm a strong person (or at least I thought I was), so why can't I take control of this situation? The only things keeping him around are my pity for him, and some strange sentimental feeling of me just being "used" to having him around, along with perhaps a fear of being alone. Sometimes I think maybe we should try and work through this or come to some sort of arrangement, but then I see something that triggers everything he did and it tears me up inside; all the anger, hurt and resentment comes flooding back.

 

So I really have no idea what to do from here. Should I give this a predetermined amount of time so I can really collect my thoughts on what to do going forward? Should I just keep going through the motions until I can't take it anymore and blow up? At this point I'm completely emotionally detached from him, and a part of me is honestly just waiting for him to screw up again so I can get rid of him once and for all. I know that's not healthy, though.

 

I know this was a long post, and I probably have answered a lot of my own questions here, but any insight would be appreciated, because the feelings I'm having about this are so contrary to my usual behavior that I don't even recognize myself anymore.

 

Thanks for reading this far, at least.

[McLovin oo7]

Sorry to read about your situation but in a way, at least you found it out.

 

I could write a very long post about it, but it boils down to a simple question you should ask yourself – Do you really want to be with this guy?

 

After reading your post, I don’t think he deserves to be with you.

 

I hope that you are not still feeding him three meals a day.

 

PS: I loved your revenge on him. Nice work.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this.

 

It's sad that his choice of cheating, was more important than his committment to you.

 

I'm sure that you feel sorry for him, but you need to give him his walking papers, NOW, not later on.

 

He should have thought of the consequences of his actions before decided to cheat again, and he certainly wasn't thinking of your feelings.

 

You have done the best you could, (and more), and you need to stand firm with this!

 

You're letting him disrespect you much more by letting him stay there. He's an adult, let him deal with his actions. Please don't let him stay another minute!

 

Wishing you the best...

[TechResQ]

OMG, talk about Deja Vu! Your situation is SOOO similar to mine.

 

OK, here's the scoop, down and dirty. He has done this to you before, you gave him another chance. He did it to you again...DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE CHANCES!!! He clearly does not respect you and knows he can get away with his BS behind your back. If he gets caught, then he just plays the perfect boyfriend for a while and sucks you back into his messed up perspective of what a relationship is about.

 

I'm sorry, but he has some definite character flaws and the longer you let him stay with you, the harder it is going to be to boot his cheatin' @$$ to the curb.

 

Keep reminding yourself of what he has done to you in the past and what he did to you yet again. It will keep you angry enough to tell him to get out. He doesn't deserve ANY pity from you. He got himself into this mess, he can figure out how to survive on his own. It is not your fault he is unemployed...HE NEEDS TO BE A BIG BOY AND GET A JOB. Not your concern any longer. He has used you and your kindness and support long enough.

 

I wish you strength and peace and keep up that Scorpio spunk! You deserve more, you deserve better. Thank God you found out before the wedding.

 

God Bless.

[obsesor]

I hope he is sleeping in a different room, treat him like a room mate, tell him when the rent is due, and how much it will be. make sure he understands the food is yours because you paid for it.

 

If he cant make rent? Sorry Charlie.

[Hollyj]

Unbelievable!!! I can't believe you allow this piece of garbage to stay in you home. Get some backbone, girl!!!

 

I can't understand how you can pity a man who treated you so poorly, he brought it all upon himself!

[itsallgrand]

Well, to get rid of my ex once I found out he had cheated I did this....

 

Refuse to consider his needs and desires - since he didn't consider mine. Not even my health and body. This didn't mean crossing boundaries or taking action to hurt him in any way - just cutting him out of the equation all together.

 

When a decision needs to be made and he is trying to squirm back into your life, ask yourself "what do I get out of bringing him into my life and keeping him here? "

Probably won't be pretty.

 

You have indeed tried taking him back once, and this is the second go around for you, so you might recognize some of this in yourself popping up when you do "stupid things" or are thinking about them:

 

Lingering feelings of care and love aside, what is left there is:

Fear

Not wanting to be alone

Wanting security, routine again

Wanting to get revenge via keeping him around

Wanting closure, maybe in the form of a happy ending and recognition/acceptance by him

 

Keep him around, you don't have to deal with the pain alone basically. You can sit around hating HIM, blaming HIM, getting angry at HIM.

 

And just totally forget about you.

 

Which is probably something you've gotten quite used to with someone who shows so little regard for you, your feelings, your life, your health, even your finances!, your dreams.

 

I don't think you yet have had a chance to grasp how much this has affected your life - people never can when they are still in the middle of it . That's why people need distance. Real physical and emotional distance.

 

Living in your very own home, the place that is there to be your safe nest and place to be uniquely you, warts and all, free of judgement - you won't get any clarity that way and you know that at some level.

 

It's easier to get sucked into that, and to begin to lie to oneself simply to make life bearable under unbearable conditions.

 

And make no mistake - these are unbearable conditions for a healthy human being!! It will make you ill.

 

Doesn't make you stupid.

 

It makes you PARALYZED. And what you need to do is get Un-Stuck.

 

Anger did it for me. But you seem to be able to push down a lot of your anger rather than acting it out or letting it push through to something different and get rid of him.

 

Him in that house, waiting for him to do something to screw up so that you can pop your top and get the energy and excuse finally to kick him out of your life?!?!

 

That's punishing yourself. And if what he has done so far hasn't made you do it, what makes you think that next time he hurts you (and he will) it will be different?

 

Instead, stand up for yourself this time.

 

It takes more work to keep him in your life than to get rid of him!! It's a sometimes horrifying truth, when you get it.

 

It's all about him, remember that, so the only way to keep him around is to be of use to him right this minute.

 

So if you continue as you have been, your life is basically being run to serve him. How much does that drive you crazy to think about? Wouldn't you think that is putting YOURSELF in an insane environment where you are sure to get hurt?

 

At some point, you become responsible for you and realize it was your responsibility all along to do that...and he, he is responsible for himself.

 

It's these painful times when we really get tested on that. It isn't a time to bail out or get paralyzed.

 

But even if you have - you can go back to your self again. Get back in control of your life.

 

The streets aren't that bad anyways for a man who is so well practiced at getting what he wants, needs, and thinking for number one. He wouldn't spend one night out in the cold, believe you me. lol. So I don't even buy THAT. Now that is your excuse for your rationalizing keeping him there, in your sight.

 

My long post in sum: The answer is Let Him Go. Bit by Bit. First physically. Then with time, emotionally and mentally.

 

I believe that you do this because on some level, it's giving you something you need or want. Doesn't make it healthy - just means you get something to stick around this mess, and to justify keeping him in your house and basically, attempting to control him by means of providing him with basics.

[enigma12]

sorry to read this you've been treated appallingly and he doesn't deserve your pity. make a decision to chuck him out of the house and be very very firm that it is your final decision. the trust isn't there anymore so what's the point in hanging on even though you don't want to be on your own?

[fclaires]

Wow, thanks for this, I think this is what I needed to hear.

Sometimes it's hard to distance yourself from your own life and really see things as they are. I know if anyone I knew was going through a similar situation, I would be quick to tell them to "Run fast, run far and don't look back"....But as I think we all know, sometimes our own advice isn't so easily followed.

[GwenRiv]

WOW ! Your post sounded almost exactly like my ex husband !

 

Be thankful you didn't go through with the marriage !

 

Honey, I know it must be hard to let go of someone you've been with for THAT long. I know, deciding to get a divorce was the most painful decision I ever had to make. But I am not sorry I did- I still love him but I just couldn't live with him anymore. Like you said- The constant worrying of -

What's he doing when I'm not home ?

Who is he calling ?

Who is he texting ?

How do I know that's where he really is ?

How do I know who he's really with ?

Should I suspect every girl friend he makes ?

 

All it does is drive you to the brink of madness while he has fun and sits back watching women fight over him.

I'm sure he is sorry, sorry he got caught. If he really cared that much about you, he would not have betrayed your trust again.

Especially before your wedding !

 

I wouldn't worry about him - He made his choice, now it's time to live with the consequences. He's a grown man, not a child.

He knew what he was doing, and now it's time to pay. You probably feel bad thinking you're just taking revenge, but you're not ! He obviously wasn't that worried about you while trashing you to his many sex partners.

He doesn't have a job- He'll get one

He doesn't have anywhere to stay- Yeah, he'll find out real quick which of his gf's really care about him.

Maybe if he's away he might realize you're not as bad as all the complaining made you out to be.

 

KICK. HIM. OUT. NOW. - The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

I know it will still be hard, but sometimes we have to walk through the storm to get to the sunshine.

I really think you are better off without this man in your life.

 

Then when he is alone he can spend all the time thinking about if it was worth is to put himself in this situation.

 

In case you're wondering my husband was kicked out- had 3 other gf's after our divorce, who all kicked him out- basically said I was a saint to put up with him- He realized what a great wife I really was to him and wanted me back. I said no and never to talk to me again. He now lives with his mother and his sister tells me that every day he talks about what an idiot he was and how he messed up-

I feel sorry for him in a way but at the same time- He made those choices.

He has no one to blame but himself.

And I have been a thousand times happier without him.

 

I had to detach myself but I finally did and I have never looked back.

I still look forward to the possibility finding a man who really loves me.

 

I think you should stick with the original plan, I personally wouldn't even give him money. Let him lie in the bed he's made for himself.

[Kalika]

Wow.. he's got you played. Kick him out. Take back all of your expensive electronics first though, the ones that you paid for, and throw his ass out the door. What a loser.

 

 

The time to grow a backbone is now.