fclaires Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 First of all, thanks in advance for reading and offering any insight into my issue. This will most likely be a ridiculously long post, as there's a lot of ground to cover. My fiancee and I have been together for about 5 years, and engaged for about a year and a half (we were supposed to get married this October - glad I found out all of this BS before the wedding). We have dealt with infidelity in the past, but have received counselling and have (HAD) been working on making our relationship stronger and moving forward with our lives together. That was hard enough for me to do, but I honestly believed, after everything we went through, that he was regretful and was working to change his ways (and I am not an easy person to convince). We went on like this for about 2 years and everything seemed great. Although I was generally a bit more suspicious and wary of his activities, I never found any indication that he was up to his old habits. Then, two weeks ago, everything went to ****. For about 6 weeks previous to this, I had been noticing a few of his old behavior patterns resurfacing - changing computer and account passwords, staying on the computer late into the night, lots of text messaging, etc. Not to mention, I just had that "gut feeling" that something wasn't right. A couple of weeks ago, I could no longer control my suspicions and did a bit of investigating. While he was in the shower one afternoon, I picked up his phone and checked his call history and text messages. I know he had a friend who was female (I didn't have a good feeling about her, but never had any solid proof to go on, so I let it ride until I knew the whole story). He'd been calling her, texting her and e-mailing her upwards of 30 times a day some days. I got on his computer and checked his IM/Chat logs and found out that they had been basically having a relationship for several months, with me none the wiser. She had been over to my house while I was at work. He sent her romantic messages, sexual messages/emails/texts, and - probably the worst of all for me to read - had been telling her how horrible I was and how he couldn't stand being around me, among many other insulting, negative and false statements about me and our relationship. I've been nothing but supportive of him, and although I did just get a rather large promotion and have been working a few extra hours, I tried to always make time for "us", and supported all of his hobbies, bought him all the newest gadgets, and basically did anything and everything for him (I know, what a dumb***, you don't need to tell me. Ha.). He's unemployed right now, so I have been the sole breadwinner in the household. I guess this just gave him a lot of extra time during the day to engage in....whatever they were engaging in. During my investigation, I also uncovered that he had been talking to an ex-girlfriend and planning to meet with her while she was in town later this month. They exchanged several pages worth of sexual text messages and instant messages, including a few that were extremely graphic. He told her he still loved her. It took me a minute to collect my thoughts about all of this, but when I finally confronted him, it was with a pile of his clothes and a $100 bill, telling him to get out and get a hotel. He did leave, but came back a few hours later and I stupidly let him back in the house. Partly out of habit, and partly out of sheer curiosity as to what he could possibly have to say for himself. He cried, begged, pleaded and basically broke me down enough that I allowed him to stay temporarily until he could find another place. I realize that he does not deserve my kindness or pity after what he did, but I honestly couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I know he doesn't have a job, his family doesn't have the means to put him up, and he basically has nowhere to go. As much as I might hate someone, I cannot simply put them out on the streets. I suggested that he go live with one of the other women, but one lives with HER fiancee (though probably not for long, because I told him everything and sent him the chat, email and text logs....I guess that's that classic Scorpio revenge coming out), and the other lives out of state and is apparently also unemployed (what a shock; like attracts like, I guess). So I guess my dilemma is this: I've (stupidly) gotten myself in this situation where he is still living in my house. He seems to believe somehow that we are "working things out" and that he's getting his life together and that I should give him another chance to regain my trust. He eventually owned up to everything, and said that his own insecurities and low self-esteem caused him to seek acceptance from others (I call BS, but I digress...) I can't stand to be in the same room with him. I'm suspicious of every move he makes, every phone call he takes, every e-mail he writes. I'm a strong person (or at least I thought I was), so why can't I take control of this situation? The only things keeping him around are my pity for him, and some strange sentimental feeling of me just being "used" to having him around, along with perhaps a fear of being alone. Sometimes I think maybe we should try and work through this or come to some sort of arrangement, but then I see something that triggers everything he did and it tears me up inside; all the anger, hurt and resentment comes flooding back. So I really have no idea what to do from here. Should I give this a predetermined amount of time so I can really collect my thoughts on what to do going forward? Should I just keep going through the motions until I can't take it anymore and blow up? At this point I'm completely emotionally detached from him, and a part of me is honestly just waiting for him to screw up again so I can get rid of him once and for all. I know that's not healthy, though. I know this was a long post, and I probably have answered a lot of my own questions here, but any insight would be appreciated, because the feelings I'm having about this are so contrary to my usual behavior that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Thanks for reading this far, at least. Link to comment
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