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I'm having a REAL hard time


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For those of you that aren't already familiar with my story, here you go:



For those of you that are, I truly appreciate the support you've provided.


I was doing a little better for a period of time but have since relapsed. I'm having SUCH a difficult time with things at the moment and I know it's because of recent events.


I saw my ex last monday because she had asked me if I wanted to accompany her to the vet for one of our dogs. Naturally, I went. We're not enemies, in fact, our separation was amicable and we have had contact with each other, albeit limited. We got along just as we used to during that visit. What upset me is that she turned to me with those puppy dog eyes a few times and said, 'are you ok?'. As if she could sense that getting along was reminding me of how great we were when we were together. She was very adamant about telling me about everything that's going on in her life. What she's been up to, how work has been, how tired and emotionally exhausted she's been, etc etc. It's as if she didn't want to leave any room for me to question what she's been doing with her time away from me. I could be reading too much into that, but it's as though she was trying to ease my mind. I can't explain it...


When it came time to say goodbye, she leaned in and reached out her cheek to me. Of course I wanted to hug and kiss her goodbye, but I didn't. I gave her a little pat on the cheek and said 'goodbye'.


She called me later that week, didnt leave a message. I didnt return her call. Then, she sent me a text this past weekend to let me know that her sister had her baby. I wasn't expecting this bit of news to affect me the way it has. I think it's because we used to talk about how were looking forward to waking up in the middle of the night and rushing to the hospital together to welcome our niece. Not to mention the fact that I was really close to her family and not being able to celebrate with them during this time is really bothering me...


She sent me an email on Monday asking if I had called her at work because she apparently missed a call. It wasn't me. I didnt reply. I haven't spoken or heard from her since.


I miss her terribly and want nothing more than for us to have another chance. But, I know she's not capable of emotionally fulfilling a relationship, at least not right now...


I feel like Im living in 'suspended animation'...days are foggy, nights are dark, time is standing still...

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The thing is you know and have accepted shes not ready. Thats great.


Have you thought of saying 'Hey, until you work it out, can we not see eachother/talk cos it makes it hard on me' Which then gives you the space and time to start getting over her incase it doesnt work.


Stay strong and know it passes. It really does. It may be painful but knowing its temporary pain will get you through it.

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she said all she can offer me right now is her friendship. I told her that I couldnt do that and it did upset her, but she understood. I wrestle back and forth b/c Im trying to be understanding of what she's going thru, but at the same time, i'm struggling with being angry. That's why I haven't made any initiation of contact.

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Hi Dani


It is very very hard to move forward with your life whilst you are still in contact with her. It is like keep on pulling the plaster off of a wound - it all gets opened up again.


I agree with Blue - you really need to stay away from her for the time being - at least while your head is in this emotional muddle. That is why lots of us bleat on about this no contact larky - it gives you a bit of peace and quiet to sort your emotions out - to calm down a bit and to get your life back on track.


Take care hun - and keep posting on here for support.



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I miss her terribly and want nothing more than for us to have another chance.

I know she's not capable of emotionally fulfilling a relationship

The really good news is your talking ......thats great

The bad news is you are ASSUMING .......that she is not capable


What I would do is tell her EXACTLY how you feel and let her process that herself.


You may be ASSUMING WRONG ......she may be waiting for you to come to her.


WOW ....and a kiss on the cheek ......that would show me signs of affection


Good Luck

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Hi Kuhl - she said that all she could offer Dani was friendship so I think Dani is doing the right thing by keeping away.


Lots of people offer this downgrade in a relationship to friends but Dani is smart in rejecting this because she would be on a hiding to nothing. Always look for an upgrade in life - why accept a downgrade?



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I know she's not ready b/c everytime I've tried to talk to her about it, she's said she can't be in a relationship right now. So, I would rather NOT address it and give her the time and space she needs to focus on herself, while I do the same.


Yeah, she's always hugged me and leaned in for a kiss on the cheek when saying goodbye. But, where was my kiss?..it was always what she was looking for FROM ME.


This is so hard.

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I know its hard but you know whats best for you. whats best is to cut all contact from her. as long as there is contact from her she is still feeling like she has you in her life but can go alont with out you aswell. you need to take that from her and yourself. you need to heal from this alone. Just tell her in a respectful way that your still having a hard time with the break up. you understand and respect her reasons but for her to respect and understand that you dont feel the two of you should talk till things blow over. Perhaps this time alone will help her realize what she lost but in the mean time your focusing on your healing process. This is what i always do and it helps me to move on quickly.

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The problem I'm having with this is when we parted we never said that we were 'over' indefinitely. I'm almost tempted to tell her to NOT contact me until she feels she's ready to have a relationship and has dealt with whatever it is that's preventing her from staying with me. I mean, it was a year and a half. It's not like we were dating for a few months and then she decided, 'I cant be involved'. She told me that if she wasnt with me, then she wouldnt be with anyone and I know that's the case right now. She has a lot of wounds that need healing in order for her to ever give to someone else.


She wanted to do this by herself and on her own...? Then, that's what I'm giving her.


I need to find 'me' again. It's amazing how we allow one person to completely consume our emotional, mental, physical, well-being.

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