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very confused bisexual

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For a long time I though I was straight (denying any lesbian feeling I had, dismissing it completely), then a few months ago I realised I did not want to deny those feeling and thought I was gay. Now I know that I am bisexual. But it can be so confusing liking both men and women. Its like I feel not quite straight and not quite gay. It can be awful feeling like I am stuck somewhere in the middle! Should I consider myself part of the straight community or the gay community - or will gay people treat me as an outsider because they think I am not technically gay as I am not completely a lesbian? Someone please help me in my bisexual confusion!

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I strongly believe in life that we simply love who we love. So perhaps in your case you may fall in love with either a man or women.


I can't answer if you will be treated differently within the gay community but I'm sure those answers will be with you shortly as there will be other replies soon.


In the meantime I would say to follow your heart and you won't go far wrong.

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Hi serena271, tina-rocks makes a very good point - we love who we love. Don't worry just yet about which 'community' you belong to, think of the world as one big community which you will always be part of. When you find people who love and stick by you, it doesn't really matter to which group or groups they belong to, as long as you feel like you belong.


The issue with being bi is that some lesbians are a bit cautious with starting a relationship with a bi girl, but that is by no means a deal-breaker for everyone. The two stereotypes you're likely to come accross are that bisexuals are promiscuous (you can thank girls snogging at the club for that) and that it's just a 'phase' until they decide whether they are definitely straight or gay, neither of which is necessarily true. My advice to you is don't sweat it, you are who you are and that is what matters. We love people, not genders, and others can put you in as many boxes as they like, but at the end of the day, you only have yourself to answer to and all that matters is that you know who you are.


Back in my home country I was part of the 'scene' for a short while but at times I felt like I didn't belong. Now I just go where the wind takes me. It's not that I was made to feel any different, I just took some time (and still do) to explore my sexuality, and I don't like to be pigeon-holed either. The LGBT community has achieved so much in a relatively short time because we all stick together, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered moving together for a cause. Inclusion is a big part of this community so I think you could make good friends either way.


If you ever get time to go to London the London Bisexual Women's group hold meetings every first and third Wednesday evening of the month at the Glass Bar. Here you'll find women who have gone through or are going through the feelings you describe, and they do hold discussions about bisexuality once in a while. If you get the chance it's always a good place to discuss what you are going through because chances are someone else there has felt that same way.

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Pooh, Agent, your self definition was censored!! lol.


Honestly, I'm not sure why a person would feel confused about having feelings for both, but maybe that is because I never did identify myself into a "straight" or "gay" category even as a girl.


If you see no need to define your sexual preferences and romantic feelings under a label, problem is solved.


I like what I like and that's it.


I move from one community to the next and worry not about fitting in based on who I have sex with or love - but the people in that community can either embrace me or not, and same with me and each individual in that community.


Frankly, any community that is stuck on "you need to be X Y Z or else you can not belong and contribute to this group of people in any way" is a place I don't want to be.


I just deal with people on a one-on-one basis and let other worry about what slot they feel the need to put themselves under.


Hey, works for me. The truth is: every person you encounter, every relationship you pursue, is going to be unique and unto its own. So why worry about the politics of it, unless that is your motivation - politics. ?


just my 2 cents.

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This is often a problem for bisexuals, as each community -- gay and straight -- are a bit wary of you. Remember that sexuality is on a continuum, and apparently you are somewhere in the middle. Nothing wrong with that. You should seek out support from the bisexual community. Good luck!

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I smiled when I read your post, Serena271, because I was in the opposite situation; I started out being pretty sure that I was only attracted to women, but with time, I realized that I was attracted to men, too. Or rather, that I'm attracted to a particular sort of person, and those qualities are attractive to me no matter the sex of the person involved...


You're right that there is some peer pressure (or even family pressure) once you out yourself as bi. My family was like, "Oh! So you're straight now!" And I replied, "No, I am not straight; I've simply realized that I like what I like. Which isn't any different from how I always was!" And then they said, "So are you going to marry a guy?" And then I replied, "Well, if I meet the right guy, why not? But if I meet the right woman, I'll do the same thing, too - or I'll do as much as the law allows me to."


This all sounds very confused and even wishy-washy to some people, but it's actually pretty clear - a bisexual person is just like anyone else, straight or gay, in the fact that they're looking for that special someone. The only difference is that this special someone can be of either sex. That's all! It's not that huge of a difference, really. I'm not sure why some people make such a big deal out of it - if they do, it's because they actually think that humans are somehow fundamentally different because of their sexual orientation, but that's certainly not the case.


What does it matter, really? Be comfortable with yourself and be happy; you deserve it. Oh, and you'll be relieved to know that a) my friends - both straight and gay - didn't give me any trouble about being bi when I came out to them, and b) my family has eventually come around and truly understood me, too. Total acceptance is definitely a possibility; even if not everyone is accepting of your bisexuality immediately, that doesn't mean that they'll never be accepting. People change, after all, as you know all too well! Give them a chance.


In all fairness, I think that the reason my family reacted so weirdly is because when I'd first declared myself to be a lesbian as a teenager, they'd tried so hard to adjust to that. (And kudos to them for it! They're a gorgeous family, really.) But then they had difficulty thinking that I might be into guys, as well. They could only think in black-and-white - you know, in straight-and-gay. But I'm not like that. In fact, even I didn't know I wasn't like that until life taught me otherwise! So I don't really blame my folks for their initial hang-ups. It just so happened that my first serious relationship was with a woman, so at that point I really thought I was a lesbian, but things change and labels are just labels, after all - they don't always keep up with reality. When I realized I was bi, I said to myself, "Huh. So that's how it is." And that was about the extent of my internal angst! My family, of course, entertained a little more angst than that.


But they came around, because they love me. And I'm cool with myself, which is just as (or perhaps even more) important. Be happy and bless you for being courageous, my dear!

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I agree with all the other posts. I have to say their advice is spot on.


You must be who you are without prejudice. If others choose not to share in your life it's there loss not yours.


Love is unconditional and does not have a bias on which ever sex we are as it's the soul that's touched along with the heart.



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  • 5 weeks later...

Hi Serena:


I must admit your thread sounds pretty familiar... It sounds like myself. I have always had thoughts of attraction towards women (even as a kid); however, never wanted to act upon these feelings sexually. Now all grown up, I am in a confused state as I'm now toying with my emotions as to what I really want. It is a terrifying experience and unfortunately stressing WAY TOO MUCH over it. I have a bf and it has been a long term relationship. I love him and want to be with him.. I feel that not all people are 100% anything gay or straight.

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