confused girlfriend

[pickles_75]

Hi.

 

Just would like people's thoughts about the situation I am now in and offer some pearls of wisdom.

 

Sorry that its going to end up so long. Just want to get the whole story out there to give people a better idea of what is happening.

 

In a nutshell, my gf of 6 yrs and I have just broken up (i broke up with her). It wasn't because I didn't love her, but the fact that she is confused about what she wants. I don't know if our r-ship is one of the issues, but (here comes the cliches), she said it wasn't me, its her and she just doesnt know what she wants. No matter how hard I try to talk to her, she just can't tell me what's wrong. There is the opportunity for her to see a counsellor, but she is hesitating to.

 

We have been living together before we even became a couple (just as friends at first), and I'm her first female partner and she doesn't identify herself as being lesbian/bi/straight, just that there's something about me that she loves and she can't see that in other women. However, before we got together she was predominantly straight and had many male sexual partners.

 

From the get go she said that we'll always be together, that she wants a commitment ceremony, and a baby. Although I was open to the idea, i gave the impression of being hesitant about it, as a part of me was afraid that what is happening now would happen...and can you imagine how hard it'd be if there was a child involved? I mentioned this to her (I like being honest), and she became angry at me for thinking such things.

 

But then again, my hesitation may have been a big factor in how she is feeling now.

 

I've always been a supportive, loving partner and she knows and acknowledges it, which gave her the confidence to raise her confusion with me. She questions "Is this the life I want?", "Is this what my life involves now?" etc. I know that our r-ship has hit a wall, and it does feel dull and so "married" like, but she never raised it as a concern, or the times she was unhappy, never let me know. She first raised the confusion thing 3 or so months ago, and we spoke about it and i understood because I'd felt the same at times and asked the same questions..so I could sympathise with her. But she also dropped the bombshell that she was starting to feel an "attraction" to a guy at work, and he is pretty keen on her and wants more from her. She has low self esteem, and I've tried continually to make her feel better about herself. But it seems that this guy is giving her the attention and confidence she needs. She admitted that it felt "exciting" and I know its because she is with me and compared to our "marriage" it would be attractive. I know she'd never cheat on me. I trust her. As I've found other people attractive as well, but not to the same level as her for him. We spoke it through and she agreed that it was because of her self esteem, and she wanted to be with me etc.

 

Now she is confused again and this time in a MAJOR WAY. So infar that she wants to move out to a place of her own and be by herself for 3 months. She wanted us to be still together and see each other on the w-ends etc. I was ok with it at first, but then alarm bells starting ringing and then my own insecurities etc started to develop, and I came to the conclusion that she wants her cake and eat it too - she wants the feeling of being 'pseudo single' and live the whole single thing, but at the same time have the security of us. That she only wanted me in her life because she is scared of losing me, and doesn't know how to cope with that. I try to be no fool, and so I broke up with her stating that she can't have both. That she should go out and find herself and to do that she has to be by herself. Previously, she had also wanted friends of her own, so I was supportive of her going out with work mates, some of the times they're been "all nighters". So any 'problems' that I knew she wanted solved, we solved them. It wsn't like she had no support of her individual needs. So I think a BIG factor has been her socialising and getting a taste of being out there socially without me. Couples would know that when you're out together, it's different to when you're by yourself.

 

But is it possible? I mean, we all need time to find ourselves, especially since you've been with the one person since you were 23? I understand totally and am trying to be supportive. I've moved out of our house and staying at my mum's vacant place, so I can give her the space she needs to sort stuff out...but she is still going ahead in moving out. I only see her when she wants to see me (which isnt alot), and I try to see it as giving her space, but at the same time she is the one needing space etc, so should she rely on me at times she's feeling low, especially when it will be if/when she moves out.

 

I know there is no such definite meaning to "normal", but is this a "normal" thing that happens, especially in full on committed r-ships?

 

And what should I do? Wait the 3 months? I love her so much and although I've been in other r-ships, she's the first that I feel totally whole with.

 

I'm in the process of starting to get out there and making friends of my own...in a way trying to establish my own identity..but what happens if she wants me back yet I've moved on? Then I end up regretting it? To make things even more complicated, we have committments which will become MY committments if we don't get back together. It's ok for her to walk out the door and start her own life anew, but I still have to pick up the pieces and start my own new life with our committments still attached (aka, house rennovations, numerous pets etc). I don't want to start being resentful.

 

What are people's thoughts? What are suggestions to what I should/shouldnt do?

 

 

[unabashed]

From what you've said, I think you and she need to break up. Trust your intuition--the "alarm bells." You may feel whole with her, but this is now an illusion--a thing of the past. Now, she is planning to leave, perhaps develop a relationship with someone at work, and she is confused and wants to find out who she is. You love her and want her with you, but I think you have to let her figure this out on her own. She won't do this, really, if she is still able to fall back on you. All the things you have together, materially and emotionally, have to be separated so she can truly move on and so you can think clearly about what you want. It's not all about her and what she needs, it's also about what you need. Perhaps her life will lead her back to you, but with less confusion and more conviction. The person and the relationship you value so much is not something that is real, in the present. Take care of yourself and move on, at least for now. That's my opinion, anyway. All the best.

[soconfused101]

I don't think that's "normal." The way I see it, if she doesn't know what she wants, you shouldn't have to wait around for her. My ex didn't know what she wanted...so I can kind of understand how you feel (although the situations were very different). I think you can do better...but then again I'm not very forgiving and think that if people don't treat you right, they're wasting your time.

[greywolf]

My gf kind of went through the same thing. She wasn't sure what she wanted and needed some time to sort things out,blah blah blah.

Anyways, as much as I hate to talk about her this way, I think it's a bunch of bull. I do understand that at some point everyone reaches a 'confused' point about their relationship, but I believe that's where the commitment comes in. Either you're committed or you're not, you know?

My advice is to have a complete break. I'm sure she still loves you and cares about you, but I see no evidence of a commitment to the relationship.