Why can't I get this out of my system?

[Boromir]

Hello everyone. Some of you might recognize me. I have been asking for advice and giving it here for about two months now. I have to say that coming to enotalone is one of the best things that happened to me, especially with dealing with my ex. For the most part I thought I was starting to do really well, but lately I have been having periods of sadness thinking about what I used to have.

 

Just to quickly recap, I dated my ex for four years. When we first started dating, neither one of us was looking for a long term relationship, so it is quite surprising that we feel into what we had. Fo the most part it was a good relationship, but I will admit we did have some problems that we mostly my fault. She definitely had her share of the blame though too. Things had gotten good enough to where I asked if she wanted to get a place together and at first she said yes. But then it became obvious she took that very seriously but said she wasn't ready for it.

 

About a year and a half ago, she wanted some time on her own and broke up with me. I was really unprepared for it and it devastated me. She wanted to be free of a relationship and date other guys, but had hoped that we she was ready for something serious, she hoped I would be there. It was totally nuts, I mean hearing that from someone who also could say they loved you in the same sentence. Anyway, after about 3 or so months apart, we got back together but it wasn't the same.

 

It actually took us months to soemwhat get back to normal, and then she told me she was going back to school and that meant she could be moving out of state. I was hurt again because I was really happy where we live and have lived in places where I wasn't and didn't want to take the risk of doing that again. I also didn't like the idea of moving away to be with her and get my own place, becuase i didn't think we'd move in together. She then said while some of her wanted me to go with her, most of her wanted to go on her own.

 

Well, that really pissed me off. I was really hurt cause I would have given my life for this girl. Things started going downhill and she started hanging out with new friends and kept me separated from her new life. We broke up several times for a day or two, and when we did get back together there wasn't much relief. She wasn't setting aside much time for me, and seeing that the relationship was probably over in a year anyway I just said enough.

 

So I broke up with her back in July, and for about a month she seemed to have a hard time with it. She really wanted me back but I felt good about being free and not having to deal with all the issues that was screwing us up. I had a good time making new friends and so forth, but to be honest I would go out alot, get drunk, and call her. I was so angry that after four years she didn't want me to go with her. It turned out to that she picked a school in our state about 4 hours away, so I started second guessing myself about the decision I made. Then I wanted her back, but then she said she was happy now and didn't want to get into a serious relationship again now that she was going to be leaving. Then the bomb came; she got a new boyfriend. She claimed they weren't serious, but she went up to meet his parents in another state and I can't imagine doing that if you don't like someone.

 

So meanwhile I haven't really found anyone here where I live. My social life hasn't been as fun as it was a few months ago, although things like money and my job have gotten a little better. The truth is, I am so lonely sometimes. I miss that companionship more than anything.

 

I find myself looking back a bit, and wondering what to think of her. She hasn't contacted me since Thanskgiving and I am really angry about that. I just felt after four years she would care enough to see how I am doing because to be quite honest, I was having a very hard time. I am much much better now, it is just about the principle. I know her and have seen her in action, and she is absent minded about her friends and doesn't like to deal with them if they are down if it isn't on her schedule. Now she has this new life and the guy and for some reason I feel like I am in competition with her because I don't have that.

 

She did some really bad things to me, and I did the same. I loved the life I had with her though, and I liked her friends and family. She was also my best friend and I feel I lost everything at once.

 

I think I am better off without her. She didn't seem to want me in her life and if you look how she has trreated me the last six months, she was there to listen to me about hurting and so forth (a lot actually), it seems she does care about me (or just feels guilty about it), but doesn't want anything else. She said she missed 'me' and would liek to have me as a friend but hasn't showed me that she even knows what that would take.

 

I hate her. I have been told I am in the resentment phase and thats great. It beats wishing she would come back all the time. I don't understand why I am in the mindset that I am in. It is like, I am angry the most at the fact that she isn't there for me like she used to be. I know I was doing the best thing for me by breaking up, as she is by moving on, but unfortunately the reasons why I did it are compounded by how she is now. She told me she didn't want a relationship and now she has one. I feel betrayed. I feel like she killed my faith and trust in relationships.

 

She told me she couldn't give me what I wanted, nor be the girl she used to be. She said that girl was gone which confuses me cause if you love soemone you'd try to be the best you could for them. It is such a cop-out, and I know that everything that has happened should be enough for me to say $@%$# it and move on. Most of the time I am okay, but then I think about her and it all creeps back. I hate it. I just want to be happy. I know that that should be enough to just drive me to be, but I keep tripping.

 

How can she not be going through what I am. Best friends and lovers for four years and nothing to show for it.

 

I hate it. I hate it. She will always do well. . . she will never understand

what I am going through in life, relationships, career, family, everything. Everyone tells me she doesn't know what she wants and I am better without her, but to be honest she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Mostly that is.

 

So should I write all this in an email and send it to her? I know I wouldn't be impressed with whatever she wrote back. I wouldn't want to talk to her. I guess I want to say that she has blown it keeping me as a friend, even though she doesn't look like she even wants me as one. She would just disappoint me all the time. When she was good, she was awesome. When she wasn't, it baffleed me how she could treat some people.

 

I know if I had someone in my arms every night I wouldn't be giving this much thought. I mean, I would still have wounds, but I don't think they would be bothering me like this. I know there are better girls out there than her, and when I think about some of the things she gave me, I would have traded them in for other things. I was frustrated in our relationship for much of the time the last two years of it, so you'd think it would be easy to let it go.

 

So what do I do? Please offer me something. I am doing the right thing by not contacting her? I feel strong for not doing it when three months ago I would have called her 12 times and yelled at her or something. I am tired of asking why things happened the way that they did, but it still elaves me insettled.

 

Hope all of you are doing well.

[Boromir]

I just found this article and it looks like I am going through the second stage of grief..

 

I wish I knew if she were going through something similar even though she has a new boyfriend. How is she able not to break down and call me?

[Maverick44]

Boromir,

 

I know exactly what you're going through. My ex and I broke up in late September. We didn't speak at all by phone since then and only via email twice - the last time being in Mid-October.

 

When I really think about it, I still miss her terribly. I wonder why hasn't she called to check on me or anything? Not a thing, you know?

 

In my case, we broke up because of her mother not liking latino men. In her last email to me, she had even indicated that her mother doesn't ever want her speaking to me again! While my ex said she didn't want to cut me out of her life, she said that it was too much for her to deal with at the time.

 

She asked me to let her move on. She had always said she loved me as well and that our relationship was great! She even said she would have married me if not for her mother. Bummer, huh? I'm still trying to figure out this culture stuff.

 

So, I don't contact my ex, not because I don't want to but because she said that if I cared, I'd let her move on. I can understand because it hurts if she and I would talk. Bf in the picture or not with her (I really don't know and don't think I want to), what can be done? You know?

 

She had said she wanted to be friends to. Right now, there is an article on MSN on this exact subject.

 

link removed

 

I think she and I could probably be friends in the future. We knew each other from high school, went our separate ways, and were still friends. Is this tough? Yes! Do I still love her? Yes. To a degree, I always will. But it is true, to move on does require no contact. It hurts. It hurts me now. I get angry about it still sometimes! I have down days. I still think about it. I try to move on and it's tough.

 

Just know you have company with this one. Good luck.

 

Maverick