Guest ettiqiute at parties--asking for what's not there

[MissIndigo]

This past weekend, I hosted a small party for my boyfriend's birthday and he and I provided a snack/hors d'oeuvres spread of food. We made it clear that it wouldn't be substantial enough for a real dinner, and since it was casual anyway, I didn't stress too much about what to serve. Just for the record, we had fruit salad, black bean salad w/rice, crackers and brie, and a fruit cheesecake. We had limited time and did what we could to get even this together.

 

We have one friend who will often ask for food or drink that isn't made available, which strikes me as odd and frankly, a little rude. This happens not just at my gatherings, but others as well. This isn't to accommodate a special dietary need or anything, it's just because I think he feels it should be offered. At parties, I've always been appreciative and accepting of what my hosts have had to offer and if it isn't out on the table, for whatever reason we just don't get to have it.

 

Our guest didn't make any issue of it all really, but it just makes me feel funny that at most gatherings this person finds something to ask for--"do you have this? do you have that?"--when the other guests just take the offerings in stride unless they have a food allergy or don't feel well (like need tea for a sore throat, etc.). It just gets annoying after a while. Thoughts??

[ghost69]

stop inviting them.

[ycmanvs]

Have you ever asked why this person does this, directly? It might be time to bring it up, since it keeps happening...and they just might be that clueless...

[KG]

Tell them that if they want something specific, they should bring it!

[ghost69]

Tell them that if they want something specific, they should bring it!

 

i like that idea.

 

say 'they were still making it at the store but i had to leave. you should be able to pick it up by now.'

[keenan]

I think it's odd, too. Maybe he's the kind of person who likes to feel like an "insider"--more special than the regular party guests.

 

What kinds of things is he asking for? If it's a glass of orange juice or a slice of bread or something really basic, I guess I'd probably just give it to him and chalk it up to a health issue or basic weirdness.

 

If it's anything more complicated or unusual than that--or if you're just annoyed by it and don't want to deal with him anymore--one solution is to simply reply with, "No, I'm sorry." Then smile politely and keep on movin'.

[odile]

Personally, i'd let it slide. However, if it's a real problem for you, I'd try replying to the next request for xyz with something like: "i'm not sure that we do, but there's a mini-mart just down the block!" or, "well, I have a menu for this restaurant that delivers, and you're welcome to use our telephone!"

[ghost69]

he wants carrot and celery sticks cut 4" with peanut butter and raisins on top spaced 1" apart from each other with a peach smoothie with assorted sprinkles. lol

[browneyedgirl36]

I think it's odd, definitely. I was raised with a LOT of *rules* as to how I should conduct myself as a guest in someone else's house, and one thing my parents hammered into my head was that I was NOT to ask for food or drink -- to wait until it was offered -- and to graciously accept what was offered to me unless 1) I wasn't hungry/thirsty; 2) It was something I really didn't like or was allergic to. If I didn't want whatever was being offered, I was to say "No, thank you, I'm fine." I would never, not even in one of my best friends' houses, ask to eat something different than what was being offered.

 

I can totally understand if someone has dietary issues -- i.e. can't eat anything that might contain peanuts/tree nuts, etc. because of severe allergies OR is a vegetarian or vegan, but these things are usually established in advance, and the host usually accommodates these needs. For example, I have a friend who is a strict vegan -- she eats NO animal products whatsoever -- not even honey -- so when I have guests over and she is included, I always provide at least one (if not two) things she can eat -- usually a fruit salad, veggies and hummus, something along that line.

 

I don't think your guest's behavior is serious enough to not have him or her over anymore, BUT...you might let her know next time you invite her over what you'll be serving and tell her, "If there's anything you'll want that I'm not serving, you'll need to bring it." OR...you could make your next gathering a potluck, wherein you provide a few "core" dishes -- maybe a salad and some cheese/crackers, and ask everyone else to bring something -- a dip, a dessert, etc.

[MissIndigo]

Have you ever asked why this person does this, directly? It might be time to bring it up, since it keeps happening...and they just might be that clueless...

 

No, never have asked, but I suspect it may be cultural--that he's used to seeing certain items at dinner parties that may be standard where he's from and if they aren't on the menu here, to him it may be strange somehow.

 

What he asked for was bread, and since I already had carbs/starches in the form of the rice and the crackers, I didn't deem it necessary to add more, especially for such a small, rather impromptu event.

[MissIndigo]

I think it's odd, too. Maybe he's the kind of person who likes to feel like an "insider"--more special than the regular party guests.

 

What kinds of things is he asking for? If it's a glass of orange juice or a slice of bread or something really basic, I guess I'd probably just give it to him and chalk it up to a health issue or basic weirdness.

 

If it's anything more complicated or unusual than that--or if you're just annoyed by it and don't want to deal with him anymore--one solution is to simply reply with, "No, I'm sorry." Then smile politely and keep on movin'.

 

What he asks for is pretty basic, and most of the time it's not a big deal--if it's on hand, I'll provide it (what he asked for this time I did not have and just said I didn't, and nothing more was said). It's the way he asks--he will ask rather directly immediately after surveying the offerings. Like I told an earlier poster, I think some of this is cultural--he may be used to seeing certain items and it they aren't provided for whatever reason, it seems strange to him.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Personally, I would just be like, "No sorry, oh please excuse me, I need to talk to so and so over there...'

[keenan]

but I suspect it may be cultural--that he's used to seeing certain items at dinner parties that may be standard where he's from and if they aren't on the menu here, to him it may be strange somehow.

 

 

hmm, so it might also be a cultural difference in etiquette rather than rudeness. maybe it's more acceptable in his culture to ask your hosts for something you'd like, if it isn't already out.

[MissIndigo]

he wants carrot and celery sticks cut 4" with peanut butter and raisins on top spaced 1" apart from each other with a peach smoothie with assorted sprinkles. lol

 

LOL--man, I once really had a friend like that. Not the one I'm referring to in my post, but someone very high-maintenance!

 

Oh, should the sprinkles be in the color gradient that is exactly the visible spectrum???

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well, what culture is he from?

[MissIndigo]

Well, what culture is he from?

 

He's Eastern European, fwiw.

[Clementine orange]

he wants carrot and celery sticks cut 4" with peanut butter and raisins on top spaced 1" apart from each other with a peach smoothie with assorted sprinkles. lol

 

That is called a "bugs on a log" for future reference

[shikashika]

He's Eastern European, fwiw.

 

 

Well, I don't think that is too different.

 

what sorts of things is he asking for... like different sorts of crackers? or a different salad dressing.. or 'more ice please' that sort of thing is OK I think.

 

Anyway, how close of a friend is he? I have a couple friends who when they come over, I dont' mind if they raid my fridge

[Clementine orange]

He's Eastern European, fwiw.

 

Tell him to go wait in line...and charge him to use the bathroom. lol.

 

oh was that mean?

[MissIndigo]

I don't think your guest's behavior is serious enough to not have him or her over anymore, BUT...you might let her know next time you invite her over what you'll be serving and tell her, "If there's anything you'll want that I'm not serving, you'll need to bring it."

 

Our guest's behavior is otherwise just fine, and he's a treasured member of our circle of friends so he'll continue to be invited to join us--it is this one point of asking for other stuff that rubs me the wrong way sometimes. Mostly I just let it go because the requests aren't outrageous and it's probably because he's not used to seeing certain items not provided--in his mind there probably should have been some more formal staples whereas to myself and my boyfriend we did well to get together what we could.

[MissIndigo]

Well, I don't think that is too different.

 

what sorts of things is he asking for... like different sorts of crackers? or a different salad dressing.. or 'more ice please' that sort of thing is OK I think.

 

Anyway, how close of a friend is he? I have a couple friends who when they come over, I dont' mind if they raid my fridge

 

He usually asks for tea--which I usually have on hand so if he wants it I don't make a big deal out of making it. This time, it was bread, which I don't usually keep. I just said I didn't have it and that was that. It's more the way he asks for these things, taking a bit of a tone that's it weird that I don't have these things front and center.

 

He's closer to my BF than to me, friendship-wise.

[ycmanvs]

He's Eastern European, fwiw.

 

Ok, here is the deal. I am Eastern European and we eat bread with EVERYTHING even pasta and potatoes. My dad can eat a whole loaf in one sitting. Also, we are very direct, so it comes off as rude. It took me years...decades to learn how to be polite in the Western way. My dad still comes off as very rude.

 

You have to have a talk with this person, or just tell him to bring his own bread, etc.

[bobster]

Sounds like a right pain in the A!

You provide what you provide at your parties, end of!

[Siriana]

He's Eastern European, fwiw.

 

Oh, as I was reading your post, i wondered if he's form eastern europe.

 

Well, if he asked for some bread, that doesn't seem impolite in his eyes - in case you're good friends.

When you are invited to party over here you're supposed to have bread if any kind of food is served - if you don't have bread we'll think you're nuts lol

and you are allowed to ask for some small things - like, if they have all kinds of juices but you'd like just a glass of water, or a slice of bread - basic things - if you serve a mustard there must be a little bit of mayonnaise in the house too.

As someone mentioned bread is something very basic over here.

 

 

Lol, it's cultural difference.

Guy just wanted to make a sandwhich, you don't feed Eastern Europeans with crackers.

Probably he has no idea he is being rude.

Rice and crackers served in my country would be omg she is trying to make us starving. ;-)

Even with rice you'd have to be prepared to have some bread

 

So all in all, don't take it personally since he asks for basic non expensive stuff.

And he won't get offended if you don't have it.

After a while he'll figure out you don't serve bread.

Bringing your own bread would be considered weird and rude over here.

[MissIndigo]

Ok, here is the deal. I am Eastern European and we eat bread with EVERYTHING even pasta and potatoes. My dad can eat a whole loaf in one sitting. Also, we are very direct, so it comes off as rude. It took me years...decades to learn how to be polite in the Western way. My dad still comes off as very rude.

 

You have to have a talk with this person, or just tell him to bring his own bread, etc.

 

That's what I figured as I've thought about this more since I posted--I too am of Eastern European descent but I'm American-born (second-generation) and I am not as familiar the traditions and mannerisms, and am not as always quick to recognize them, as I may have been if I had closer relatives here. My grandparents on my dad's side, especially my grandfather, was always very direct and also very picky if things weren't just to his liking. Interestingly enough though, that side of my family wasn't too keen on bread on top of bread. Personal preference, I suppose.