Am I Overreacting?

[kimber271]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm a little stuck on something that's been making me feel an uncontrollable feeling of mistrust and hurt.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We met in LA where I still live, but due to the high stress of my boyfriends life there, he was pretty much forced to move back home down in the Southern states. Its been very tough, but he pays for me to come visit every six weeks.

 

We've had our major issues in the past, but have managed to stick together through them. But, I recently found out he took another woman out for drinks. I remember the night clearly, because he had his phone off for over 5 hours, and when i was finally able to reach him, he said he just didn't charge his phone, he had a few beers alone, and was really sorry. It was hard, but I believed him. Well, the last time I went to visit him, I saw a few texts in his phone (he let me use it) from a woman, saying "ill see you tonight", etc.. They were dated that night his phone was off. I confronted him, and he finally admitted it, and swore though they only had drinks.

 

I was heartbroken. We had a lot of issues before, but we were in a good place when he took this woman out behind my back. I asked him why, what did i do? He said I did nothing wrong, and he was so sorry. We had a long talk, and he said he made a mistake, he loves me, and swore to me he'd never do that again. I want to believe him, but in the beginning of the relationship he did cheat, and then again this time. He saw how distraught i was, and swore to me he will never do it again.. He's been acting very sorry.

 

Then, when i was using his computer I found saved pictures of a sex tape of a famous female celebrity. The pictures were disgusting and graphic, and just of her. I confronted him, and he said to not worry. He doesn't watch porn, they're just pictures, and I should laugh about it. It hurt me to see that, especially since our sex life is really hurting. He has a low desire.. Then i see those photos.. He said, "Im a guy, its no big deal." He wont take them off his computer, because he says "he's a guy" and im his girlfriend, his lover, and best friend, and those pictures mean nothing. It hurt me though!

 

Am i overreacting to all of this?? Should I forgive him for taking that woman out, and not be hurt by those photos on his computer?

[Catdancer]

Overreacting to taking another woman out for drinks behind your back? NO!

 

Overreacting to porn on his computer? Yes

[Applewhite]

Well I can't tell you what you should do, however I can give you a glimpse about how I would feel with these issues...

 

Which I just realized might not help you, so I will not!

 

How do YOU feel. If it's not ok, it's not ok. Why should it matter to you if its ok to me or not?

[shikashika]

he shouldn't have lied to you about the woman he took out for drinks.

 

However, since you are living apart, have you talked about what either of you find acceptable? Some couples still go out with and meet people for food and drinks despite being in a relationship. Not too sure about how this situation was discussed.

 

Porn on the computer.. I dont' see a problem with that. Its normal. Men and women look at porn and as long as its not a replacement for real sex, I don't see a problem.

[kimber271]

He's apologized a lot for taking the woman out for drinks. She's not a coworker as he works from home. He didn't clarify who she was, or even her name, just what city she lives in.. We've talked it through, and he seemed genuinely sorry. I just can't let it go, even though it was 2 months ago..

 

The porn/pictures on his computer hurt me because he hasn't really been into me sexually lately. I'm 25, attractive, and get attention from other men, but I don't search nor look at other men out of respect for him. You guys are right though, i shouldn't worry about those pics, it just hurts me when our intimacy level is way down, yet he still photos of another chick on his computer..

[chasey]

Taking that woman out and then lying to you about it was wrong. Why did he take her out for drinks, is she a coworker? Were they alone or with friends?

 

Forgiving him will depend alot on how you feel, do you think you can trust him to not do this again, to not lie to you again?

 

I was in a very similar situation last winter and my relationship has been getting better. Alot because of my SO's efforts. But I still have alot of hurt bottled up to deal with.

 

It's not an easy process but you will know if you want to stay and forgive him. That might sound crazy but I just knew. Alot of people think I'm stupid for still being here. But I don't regret the choice I've made.

 

He's genuinely apoligized - that's a huge step.

 

Listen to your gut.

 

As for the pics on his computer I personally wouldn't worry about them. As long as there's pics like that out there guys (and girls too) are going to look at them. I don't think it really reflects any on how they feel about their partners.

[ghost69]

if some chick i was seeing was taking a guy out for drinks, one thing would happen....i'd tell her to off and never call me again. unless it was her good friend.

[Girl79]

if some chick i was seeing was taking a guy out for drinks, one thing would happen....i'd tell her to off and never call me again. unless it was her good friend.

 

Yeah what he said!!^ Sorry but him taking some other chick out for "drinks" and having his phone turned off the entire time is NOT good sign. Huge red flag there. I wouldn't put up with it.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I can literally feel in my gut what you're going through. It makes me furious!!!

People are so often selfish and disrespectful- it's disgusting how they can lie, cheat, and act sleazy but expect things to be fine again when they say they're "sorry" and they "love you". ICK. End rant.

 

 

LEAVE his sorry ass. (Though I know it's easier said than done.) He flat out doesn't respect you. Cheating, lying- porn is porn but it compounds the situation, making you feel like total crap. He doesn't seem to care more about you than he does about his impulses.