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Something happened...good.


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Monday morning I awoke VERY early, for no reson at all. Had been feeling doubts about many things...raising my son correctly, finances, maintenance on the house....have I grieved enough for my wife.

Acting on that last issue, I began pulling out our photo albums, hoping to invoke some tears. What I got instead was a look at a wonferful life together, friends around us, smiling/laughing at the parties we attended, some candids that I'd forgotten about.

I believe she had helped guide me through this stage of doubt...she wanted me to reflect on what we had accomplished, to give me a boost.

The only sad part was a photo of her, candid, radiating her beauty and warmth, that I had forgotten was in there. So I let the tears come...and it wasn't traumatic at al...it was honest sadness for the love of my life.

It's funny, how a little nudge in the right direction can get you back on track.

I went back to bed feeling so much more secure.

Just wanted to share...to those of you who may need some inspiration at some point....it comes!

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that really is beautiful and encouraging....

right now, i just fall to pieces at all the photos and mementos of my boyfriend....of course, we were such goofs, so there are times when i will laugh when i come accross a photo or something that reminds me of one of our silly times...but it is usually still followed by a flooding of tears...i wish i wish i wish that the memories could still be being captured....it hurts so much.

i'm a photographer, so i have soo many pictures...it was wonderful, a lot of our friends would sometimes get annoyed at the crazy amounts of photos i take, but not him...he loved being my subject. and he was definitely my favorite...

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I'm so, so glad for you that you had this experience, KG. This is so inspiring, it's you seeing through that haze which was once there only as tears and pain.


Tears do still come, even over a year later. And they always will come, I think, from time to time at certain moments. Because this person is always there in our emotional world! But the kind of tears changes. The content of them, that is what transforms over time.


You are transforming what was a feeling of separation into a greater unity now. Feeling her in that parallel universe next to you is what your love in this world was about -- being side by side. You are still side by side. There's no end to the beauty of the mystical realms, and sometimes I think in grief, it's easy to underestimate what we can't see or touch anymore. Once that rawness becomes a little less so, the haze begins to lift to where happy memories actually make one happy again, to relive them, instead of just sad.


But this takes a while.


What a trooper you always are. I'm so glad you had a look at the pictures and they took on this comforting presense for you. That is absolutely wonderful.

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Melly, may I suggest that you might use your photographic and creative talents now to memorialize aspects of how you are feeling now? They can be pictures of things on the dresser...or pictures of him...or pictures of places that remind you of him...or pictures of common objects or phenomena that resonate with your grief and symbolize it, such as open windows, empty skies, broken cups, your bed that you shared...art is there for you in times of darkness, to express it to its fullest.

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thank you for the suggestion!

i went out on a desert trail the other evening and for the first time since his passing took some photos....it made my soul feel at ease in that moment....i definitely plan on continuing in my passions, photography and music...but as of late, i feel paralyzed sometimes when it comes to the two. sometimes the music will flow when i play the piano...and then sometimes i absolutely feel as if i cannot play...music was what brought us together, and what he loved so much, and it hurts so much. i know that he would want me to continue pursuing and would be heartbroken if i didn't...but it's difficult right now. sometimes it's the only thing that will make me feel better, and sometimes it makes me so unbearably sad. art has always been healing for me, so i'm definitely going to delve into full force in the moments i can. i think the photo series you were describing sounds amazing...heartbreaking, but definitely a way to deal with some of the issues...

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melly --


That's really great that in nature and with your camera, you found a moment of peace and connection, and solace. Sometimes being in nature, with or without a camera, is the only place I feel all my torment can be "held" without something breaking. Nature is so strong, it can hold anything -- it's what made us and all our beautiful and vulnerable feelings to begin with! So go and be there as often as possible. I've seen the Southwest desert, and there isn't anything quite like it for the sense of things growing and living there, even where it's so parched and arid, and it seems nothing could live. Some of your emotions you've expressed make me imagine those scenes this way...


My original medium was painting, but I've found over the years that writing is just as medicinal. I write poetry, and sometimes just little "essays." Sometimes I write letters -- some I send, some I don't. So there are so many avenues that your creativity can take, since you are multitalented. I think you know what I mean when I say that there's just that "right moment" when you feel the balance of emotions is ripe to create something. If you are drowning in a feeling, it's too hard to make something out of it, you just have to cry (or, sit still, or lie still with it and feel its movements through your body, if the tears don't come). You can't push it. You've got to wait for the spirit to move you. Since the music is so charged with grief, be very kind to yourself in letting that outlet rest whenever you need to let it rest -- and then turn to photography, or even get some paints or charcoal and/or pastels, or crayons, whatever frees you the most to express yourself without the tremendous pain of associations, as in the case of the music. You don't have to prove that you're "getting back into it" because he would have wanted that -- it's still so fresh, all of this loss. He would want you to do whatever feels natural to you, to let your creativity flow as it will. That's one thing I've learned I can't force. Sometimes I've been so jubilant, I didn't have the concentrated inspiration to make something, I just wanted to enjoy being happy and lighthearted, and let my creativity take a back seat. At other times, I've felt so demoralized that there isn't a single word or image that could do it justice. So just let it all be, and go with the flow, and just work with the materials that make you feel GOOD -- if it's a "hurts so good" good, that's great. But if it's a "hurts too much to do it", don't go there for now.


The dry riverbed will fill again spontaneously, when it wants to.


And I'm glad you like the idea of the photo series...I think giving any emotion shape, an image, takes it from the confines of our head, and the amorphous realm of just our own inward visions and says, "See? This is what it feels like" -- and that gives it a place to stand as its own force to be reckoned with. For ourselves, and for others who might see it. Sometimes its so painful to define what we are going through, and so solitary, it is best shared through our other senses.


My thoughts are with you!!


(And thanks, KG, for allowing this little aside on your thread.)

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