taking criticism/feeling misunderstood

[greywolf]

Well, I never thought I'd have to start a thread here again, but here goes....

 

My SO and I got into an argument today. I was telling her how an acquaintance of mine had complained many times to me that she wished she was in a relationship and that she felt so lonely and miserable at times and about how she could never find someone. I finally got fed up with her and said in a nice but blunt way (after telling her several times that he needed to learn to be happy with herself), "How do you expect to find someone if you're miserable? No one likes being around people that are miserable."

 

I told my SO about it. She told me that I was mean, that it was like kicking people while they were down. And I said that it was the truth but she told me that that was not the way to say it, that I should say it nicer.

 

She told me that I should be nicer, and that I should be more patient, that if I wanted to give people advice I should be nice and not make them feel like crap. She told me how she would never do something like that and how she would handle it and then told me that I should do it like that, and that I should be patient with other people besides her.

 

So.... I got upset. I have always felt that I was good at taking criticism but this just struck something in me. I know I'm not the most patient person in the world, but she says that she's scared that I treat her nicely while I am mean to everyone else. She is afraid that I am two different people. I was upset that she thinks I should behave differently towards people.

 

But the part that hurts is, that I don't think I'm mean. I do admit that I lack patience for people I don't care about, but I care about my friends. I do believe that I'm nice to my friends at least most of the time. And yes, people do piss me off alot, but my friends are people that I respect very much. They don't piss me off because I think they are quality people. I think the same thing about my gf.

 

I guess my question is am I being overly sensitive and just taking the criticism badly? Do I need an attitude adjustment or is it understandable that I am a little upset and hurt and feeling very misunderstood?

[Shyguy24]

Yes you are being oversensitive a little in my books. ALSO you dont need an attitude adjustment ..its you ..and it is understandable that you may be a little hurt and upset.

 

AND yes no one likes people who are constantly miserable ...because they make others miserable .

 

I think you are a normal person ...let it go and dont think about it ...even i couldnt care less about people but friends do count .

[Daegas]

Some people simply do not treat everyone the same. I've seen people who loved their partner and he/she could do not do wrong, but these people were quickly mean to everyone else. Other people see you differently than you see yourself, and they see more of you than you see.

 

To me your advice seems wrong (but I do not know enough about how the girl acts). Also your words may be a bit blunt, but how did you bring them? (tone of voice, body posture etc.)

[greywolf]

Yes you are being oversensitive a little in my books. ALSO you dont need an attitude adjustment ..its you ..and it is understandable that you may be a little hurt and upset.

 

AND yes no one likes people who are constantly miserable ...because they make others miserable .

 

I think you are a normal person ...let it go and dont think about it ...even i couldnt care less about people but friends do count .

 

That's the thing. That's who I am right? I guess I didn't like to be told how to treat people.

[greywolf]

Some people simply do not treat everyone the same. I've seen people who loved their partner and he/she could do not do wrong, but these people were quickly mean to everyone else. Other people see you differently than you see yourself, and they see more of you than you see.

 

To me your advice seems wrong (but I do not know enough about how the girl acts). Also your words may be a bit blunt, but how did you bring them? (tone of voice, body posture etc.)

 

The girl acted in such a way that I was already miserable around her because she was so miserable. And like my gf said, I am not very tolerant with people that are not my good friends, so I may have been wrong.

[kuhl282000]

I would say you need to work on your delivery with people .....sometimes being to direct can hurt a persons feelings. I think that is what you SO was trying to tell you.

 

She may fear you may even turn that pissed off attitude you say you carry with you around ....on her someday.

 

Compassion ....kindness is the way to go .......you made some execellent points in your post though .....about no one want to be around people like that .....well I'm pretty down right now .....and i feel pretty sad and I really don't want to be around people right now....thats why I'm in here .....but I sure could use a kind ear and shoulder and have someone to talk to ......but I don't

[Catdancer]

Most people find directness rude. I find it refreshing, but again...I am a weirdo! lol I tend to be very direct. I am opinionated, obstinate at times, aggressive, and I do what I want when I want. I sound like a bulldozer, right? I just dont have the patience for alot of crap, so I cut through as much as I can. I have tried to tone down being so direct and straight to the point over the years...I think I do alittle better, but it is who I am. I'm not going to change. If you cannot handle the truth, or my opinion then dont ask for it. See what I mean...rude, but that's just me! lol

 

I dont think you overreacted, I think your gf did. This may just be where you are two different personalities and you will have to agree to disagree and accept each other for who and what you are. You dont have to like every single thing about someone to accept them and love them, but it does make it hard at times...lol.

[Circe]

Ok, my perspective from my experience..

 

My own fiance has bad judgment when it comes to the comments he makes to other people. Just like your girlfriend - I refused to date my fiance at the beginning because I was afraid he was two different people - one with me and one with everyone else.

 

In time I realised he was himself with me because he felt comfortable being himself with me - and different with others because he never quite felt at home with them - so everything he said was always a bit manufactured and sometimes he'd make a bad call on the things he said (and end up potentially either offending someone or looking a bit silly).

 

You don't seem to be in the same situation but it could well be that you act in a similar way (even if for different reasons).

 

With my fiance, I do gently tell him after the fact why what he said might have come off the wrong way and he always looks a bit thoughtful and goes a bit silent (he never retreats from me emotionally or gets mad or annoyed or anything) and every now and then (much later on) he'll stop me and thank me for looking out for him and will refer to those situations. So he seems to appreciate it and sees it as me caring about him (which is what it is).

 

So just maybe your girlfriend is onto something? But I'll bet she is not commenting on it to criticise but because she wants the best for you and doesnt want a situation where you are offending most of your friends and acquaintances regularly without even noticing what you do!

[Daegas]

The girl acted in such a way that I was already miserable around her because she was so miserable. And like my gf said, I am not very tolerant with people that are not my good friends, so I may have been wrong.

I've seen girl that are heartbroken all over the place, except when on a party where there are potential mates: then they are the light of the party.

[greywolf]

I have always found directness refreshing as well. I know there are times when I can whine and complain and there are the people that we be compassionate with you and enable you to whine more. Then there are the people that are blunt and even though it hurts it usually wakes me up and makes me realize what a whiner I've been! hahahah

 

 

 

 

I guess this does make a little sense. There have been times when I was talking to other people and she would quietly tell me to calm down, because she feels that I get too aggressive when I talk sometimes. But I don't think I am really different people. She thinks that I hate everybody and I only tolerate the people I like, but that's not the case. The people that are my friends and my SO, are people that I get along with, and I respect all of them.

And I've noticed other things that are different between the 2 of us. Her family seems to have more of the idea that it's ok to treat family badly because after all they are family, and treat everyone else nicely. My family isn't really like that though.

 

 

 

 

 

You're right daegas. That does happen, but I'm not talking about the way she acts. I meant the way she feels about herself. Let's say that I was miserable. Sure I could go to a party and be the light of the party, but when I get home it'll just be returning to my little miserable life again.

 

 

 

I feel better today. I'm not really upset anymore. I realize that she probably just wants the best for me. I think I just got upset because it sounded like such a lecture. I almost wanted to say, "yes mom". heheheheh