I broke up with my girlfriend, and she's completely okay with it... and im devistated

[WadeCure]

Sunday evening my girlfriend and I got into a argument that lead to me breaking up with her last night. What spawned it is there is a concert I'm dying to go to on Halloween but that is her favorite day of the year so she thought I was picking the concert over her, when in fact I wanted to compromise and have our Halloween party either the day before or day after. The concert is the biggest event of the year for me. We then got into an argument where she felt I didn't appreciate her because I didn't pick up clothes around the house when tries to tidy up. I am a generally messy person and I'm just very forgetful but she feels disrespected by it. I asked her many times for reminders but she just says "you should know you are 26 years old." Unfortunately my upbringing was very lenient. I try my best to appreciate her, I just don't know how, and I ask her this and she says "you should know I shouldnt have to tell you it should come naturally." I feel this is completely unfair to me to not want to work things out and I'm trying my best to work it out. We talk about breaking up, and I ask her what she wants and she says "I don't know." I'm devastated at this point.

 

Yesterday we talk on the phone and we tell each other that we love each other and miss each other, but when the topic of conversation comes up to what happened, the same thing happens, and she says "I don't know." At this point I just couldn't handle it any more, I felt like I was giving everything, and I told her it was over.

 

We then fire a series of text messages where she tells me she loves me but keeps bringing up all of the problems again. This morning she sends a text saying "you know it don't have to be this way. I miss you." She sends e-mail to my work e-mail asking about how physically sick I am (I have been ill since the weekend) and checking on that. Then she says "What do you want me to do about the apartment if this is really what you want? You know I can't afford it myself."

 

I told her in a response we would work out the details regarding the apartment. But she seems to be completely okay with the break up while I'm completely devistated. To be honest I didn't want to break up but felt like I had no other choice since I was trying so hard to work things out and all I get is "you should know what to do it should come naturally" instead of telling me what she needs. I am hurting so bad.

[Scorpion Fury]

How do you know she's ok? from the messages it sounds like she's just as sad.

 

With all due respect, your guy's problems seem a little silly. I don 't see why you can't work it out.

[WadeCure]

She doesn't want to work things out... it's always me doing everything when we argue. I want to fulfill her needs but when she says things like "it should come naturally I shouldn't have to tell you" how can I do that?

[Scorpion Fury]

You're a messy person. OK.

 

She likes to keep a tidy house. She basically told you what she needs from you right there. Pick up after yourself. Make a conscious effort to do it. It will take some getting used to, but you will get the hang of it. "It should come to you naturally" just means she doesn't feel she should have to tell you to clean up after yourself. She thinks you should just do it. She doesn't want to feel like your mother.

[Scorpion Fury]

If there are other things about her that confuse you, she's gonna need to learn to communicate and tell you exactly what's on her mind. Tell her that. If she really loves you, she'll learn how to communicate better.

[WadeCure]

I understand that but at the same time I literally cannot remember to do it. I just cannot think of it.

[Scorpion Fury]

I understand that but at the same time I literally cannot remember to do it. I just cannot think of it.

 

There must be a way you can make yourself remember...write yourself a note, something????

[WadeCure]

She posted a note on the side of the bed but its in a place where I can't see it. I wanted to post it on the wall behind the bed but she didn't want the note on the wall.

 

She's sent me an e-mail after the apartment thing saying "Ok thank you. Are you still sick or are you feeling better? How's your mom"

 

she seems completely okay with everything.

 

I'm devistated. I love her. I love her so much. I want to make her feel appreciated. But I feel like she was going to break up with me first.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I understand that but at the same time I literally cannot remember to do it. I just cannot think of it.

 

So if you have clothing all over the floor and you are stepping on it or have to step over it, it doesn't occur to you to pick it up. Sorry, I am with her on this. It is not very pleasant for someone who is neat and tidy to deal with someone who is messy. "I can't remember" is not excuse. While love is a very important part of keeping a relationship going, it is not the only thing. Living with someone who has to be continually reminded to clean up after himself would cause many people to get fed up after a while. The Halloween issue is not a big deal...I think she is wrong for turning that into a big deal...this concert is once in your life whereas Halloween is every year. You have tried to compromise on that so I can't fault you for that. She needs to lighten up on that. However, the messiness I can totally understand where she is coming from.

[Karmageddon]

I understand that but at the same time I literally cannot remember to do it. I just cannot think of it.

 

Well, then you are being lame. And when you say "I just cannot think of it" you are really saying "i am not concerned enough to care that this bothers you so it never enters my mind"

 

Well, guess what? You don't have a brain tumor as far as I can tell. You probably remember to eat, go to work, put your clothes on.....but you can't remember to pick them up off the floor. You are behaving like a child and she's tired of it & more than likely you are just being passive aggressive about being "told what to do" so to speak. Just pick up your stuff.

[WadeCure]

Well it's not like it's all over the floor, and she has clothing all over the floor as well but when I pointed this out she says since I do it she can do it too. I have made an effort to clean house. I want to do better. It's not like I don't want to change. I do agree that I'm completely lame about this. I am not proud of myself for this in any way shape or form. I want to change. I agree I'm at fault here.

[agent1607307371]

I think the Halloween Party blow up was just the last straw really. She's not devasted by the break up because she's tired of having to play "mum" to your "kid".

 

That she's still in contact is probably a good thing but if you want to get back with her, you have to make the changes she was looking for - maturity ect, and realise that you still may not get back together.

[george237]

Dude my ex was the same way but I am not a messy person. I like my place clean but it doesn't need to win cleanest house every day. I used to dread when she would come home because I knew something wasn't done the way she wanted it. I was devistated when we broke up but a few weeks later I realized I am much happier because I don't feel like I have a hawk flying around the house looking for something out of place.

 

You both need to comprimise for each other. If she is neat and your a slob then you need your apartment to be a kind of neat place. It's not fair for you to have to do everything to make her happy but it's also not fair for you to leave your crap everywhere as well.

[WadeCure]

So now she's offering me antibiotics she has left over for my physical illness... I feel like I've made a mistake but at the same time I feel like she would have dumped me anyway.

[Karmageddon]

Well, sounds like you two just need to hash out a couple little things here & stick to them. I know it can be frustrating on both ends, but if you are both trying thats all you can ask.

[Mayday11]

Hey, man, I used to be a pretty messy guy, myself. My 'dresser drawer' was either my bedroom floor or the dryer. My 'kitchen cabinet' was whatever I could clean quickest from the kitchen sink. I remembered to clean the litter box when I would walk through the front door of my apartment and the smell was unbearable.

 

Sure, these things might not seem like a huge deal at first, but they really are. They're a pretty big reflection on how well you're able to take care of yourself (independence), how well you care about where you live (self respect), and how much you care about how you appear and how others see your place (not caring what others think). Basically, I realized it reeks of immaturity and lack of respect for yourself and others. It may not seem like it, but that's really the message it puts off.

 

These are bad habits and bad habits aren't easy to break. But, I managed to do it. And I still do it. And I love the fact that I'm doing it. Walking into a nice smelling house with access to clean dishes and a closet and dresser filled with nicely folded/hanging clothing ready to wear is awesome. Knowing that if someone was to come by unannounced or on short notice, I wouldn't have to run around in a panic to make my place look and smell half way presentable is great. In fact, the thought of going back to my 'old ways' is unbearable at this point. I not only smashed the bad habits, but I've made the good habits ingrained into my life.

 

Basically, at first, I had to make a sort of schedule. The very first thing I would do after getting home from work was clean the litter box, before I even changed out of my work clothes. Then, I'd go and make sure the dishes were washed and put in the dishwasher. If my laundry basket in my room was above a certain level, it was time to do the laundry. I made Sunday my designated "Make Sure Everything Looks Nice" day, where I would vacuum, dust, windex the mirrors, clean the toilet, etc.

 

You pretty much have to force yourself to do these things at first and you're probably going to make all sorts of excuses to put it off. Don't! Trust me, when it comes to this, the benefits of taking care of these are massive (and showing how you're so self sufficient is also quite attractive).

 

I know this doesn't completely help out with the issue at hand, but just thought I'd chime in with my own personal experience on this part.

 

Good luck.