Had a fight this morning...am I wrong?

[Seymore]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 11 months now. She's had a problem with her anger all this time and even before we met. She's trying hard to not snap at me when I ask a simple question and to try to control her temper. She has plenty of good days, but the bad days are more and more frequent.

 

She was thinking of going on prozac, but decided to try natural supplements like St. John's Wort, etc., which she's been on for a week now. Her psychologist had told her to try Prozac on a couple of occasions before she stopped seeing him, because she couldn't afford the sessions anymore.

 

This morning I was driving her to work and asked if her sister was going to pick her up to get her car that was in the shop. I was more than willing to drive her if her sister couldn't, but her response was to the tone of that I was an idiot (she never calls names, but that's how I felt) and should know her sister doesn't get off work until late. I told her it wasn't my job to remember her work schedule and her sister's work schedule which she only remembered once. But just her snotty attitude ruined my morning.

 

Anyway, I could go on, but the situations are like the above, usually. She claims she's trying, etc., so I try to be understanding. And it keeps happening, so after I dropped her off at work, I collected myself and my thoughts, and wrote an e-mail to her telling her I refuse to be treated like this and if she wants to marry me (which she says often), she's going to have to knock it off because I don't want it to end up where our kids are listening to her get angry over everything and thinking that's ok. But she said that was a threat and refused to be threatened in a relationship (although 2 weeks ago she said she refuses to be in a relationship with anyone other than me - I was seeing my parents 3-4 times a week and she thought it was too much), and said she can't fix it and doesn't know what's wrong and clearly I've made my decision to leave her so she's going to come collect her stuff.

 

I told her that first, that wasn't what I said and that I want to help her by maybe figuring out what I'm saying that's setting her off and if I should just reword things or what, and she said again, angry, that she didn't know what was wrong and no, I can't fix it, and if we're in love I should accept her faults.

 

I told her that if she wants me out of her life to just say so and I won't say anything and just leave her alone. I hated having to say that. Am I wrong in any way here?

[Karmageddon]

You have to assume this behavior will not change. The whole "im trying" is typically just equalling..."I will cut it out for a while, til it blows over, then forget all about trying". Then multiply that after you get married. There will be some very real reasons in any relationship for someone to be angry with the other, but if you are constantly walking on eggshells as not to set her off, you can rest assured that this is a basic tenant of her personality. You have to decide whether to accept it or not.

[Scorpion Fury]

She sounds like a drama queen. Have you found yourself ever sucked into a cycle with her, where you call her out on something she does that's rude or something, and somehow YOU end up apologizing?

 

I don't think you're in the wrong. It wasn't quite a "threat", more of an ultimatum. The email could have been a little softer from your end, I suppose. But I don't think you're "wrong". I think the fact that she said she doesn't know what's wrong and can't fix it is more wrong. she should atleast be willing to try to figure it out!

[Seymore]

There will be some very real reasons in any relationship for someone to be angry with the other,

 

And I understand and told her that. I told her that at times I deserve the response she gives due to my lack of paying attention or doing something dumb, but I never speak to her that way for no reason at all because I respect and love her.

[Jelina]

I don't think you're in the wrong. I think it's good that you were honest and told her you can't marry someone like that. It doesn't sound like if she wants to change, you told her that she needs to change her ways and offered to help. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her. She doesn't want to change, she wants you to deal with it and accept it as her fault. She's not going to change, she's in the wrong. I think it's good to split up with her now, having someone talk down on you constantly can shatter your self esteem.

[lapseinjudgement]

Yea thats not fair on you man. See once that 'honeymoon' stage is over things will get worse that temper will flair more often. It might really be something that prozac could help but im not sure i really have never had experience with drugs. Maybe before really cutting things off (assuming you really dont want to and you do love her) sit her down and calmly talk (mind you try to do it when shes in a better mood) about trying prozac or something similar. Try not to put her on the defensive, be loving and caring about it but strong about it.

 

Best of luck to you

[Seymore]

She sounds like a drama queen. Have you found yourself ever sucked into a cycle with her, where you call her out on something she does that's rude or something, and somehow YOU end up apologizing?

 

No. My last LTR was like that, and I really learned from that. Now I save my apologies unless I've done something wrong, because saying it all the time renders it meaningless.

[bijoux27]

I have lots of anger as well, but take it from me, someone with anger CAN learn to stop or minimize it, they can think before they speak. It takes practice and it requires another outlet instead of a significant other to take the anger out on. Have her join a gym or a class or anything that she could redirect that anger to...sometimes when we don't have much to do and get caught up in a routine, it stirs negative thoughts and feelings in us.

 

I don't think it's good to leave a relationship over a fight like that...but it's your choice to give it another try or to leave it.

[Seymore]

Maybe before really cutting things off (assuming you really dont want to and you do love her) sit her down and calmly talk (mind you try to do it when shes in a better mood) about trying prozac or something similar. Try not to put her on the defensive, be loving and caring about it but strong about it.

 

 

Well, I suggested that. We'd done it once before, about 7 months ago. But when I suggested we have a talk, she says "We can't have these big heart to hearts all the time/this is too much work/it shouldn't be this hard to be in a relationship".

 

Thanks everyone for your responses.

[lapseinjudgement]

Well, I suggested that. We'd done it once before, about 7 months ago. But when I suggested we have a talk, she says "We can't have these big heart to hearts all the time/this is too much work/it shouldn't be this hard to be in a relationship".

 

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

Im sorry to hear that.... That to me speaks very clearly that she is not willing to put that effort in for her half of the relationship and expects you to just deal with it. Maybe it is time to just agree with her and say it is to hard to be in this one.

 

Just expect a rough road in either direction but find yourself someone that your not walking on eggshells with as the saying goes.

[Seymore]

I have lots of anger as well, but take it from me, someone with anger CAN learn to stop or minimize it, they can think before they speak. It takes practice and it requires another outlet instead of a significant other to take the anger out on. Have her join a gym or a class or anything that she could redirect that anger to...sometimes when we don't have much to do and get caught up in a routine, it stirs negative thoughts and feelings in us.

 

I don't think it's good to leave a relationship over a fight like that...but it's your choice to give it another try or to leave it.

 

And I don't want to leave her over a fight like this either. It's the culmination of the last 11 months. I leave the choice up to her. She has a lot of anger from stress and not having any time for anything, and I do my best to help lighten her load. I just wish I knew what I could do to help her. Whenever I ask, it's "I DON'T KNOW. I'M MESSED UP."

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>if we're in love I should accept her faults.

 

Ummm, no, especially if her faults are something she can correct or work on for the sake of making the relationship better and you happier.

 

If the doctor is telling her to go on Prozac and she is refusing, she isn't really trying that hard to get better. And thinking that natural supplements are 'better' is a common mistake. Herbs are quite potent (and potentially toxic) substances that are just as strong as over the counter and prescription drugs, and self prescribed can be quite dangerous and have just as many side effects as prescription medications, or more, because they are not manufactured to drug standards and are a complex brew of chemicals compared to a targeted medication.

 

I think St. John's wort can be quite dangerous when mixed with some other medications and have negative side effects, so she shouldn't be thinking that she has the skills or knowledge to 'fix' herself with herbs. Many prescription medications are actually based on herbs (or the compounds in herbs), but they have been tested in clinical trials and are regulated to protect the consumer.

 

You have only known her 11 months, and if this is what you are getting now, and she isn't taking responsibility for trying to correct this situation, then you need to think seriously about whether you should cut your losses and move on. There are many depressed people who are NOT mean and aggressive to their partners, so you don't know whether this is the depression or her more natural personality coming out a year into the relationship (i.e., you are discovering who she really is now).

 

So I would make it a bottom line that she accepts the doctor's treatment plan (rather than medicatng herself), and that she work on ways to express her feelings that aren't raining her own negativity and anger down on you. You should be her partner, not her emotional punching bag, and if she doesn't get that, then maybe you need to get out and cut your lossess.

[Seymore]

Thanks again, everyone. I left the ball in her court. I told her I want her in my life and to help her, but if she wants me gone, just say the word. If she says she does in fact want me out of her life, I'll leave. If she wants me to stay, then we'll have a talk. I have a threshold and I can understand from time to time she's angry. I know change doesn't just happen right away, and I'm willing to deal with it to a certain extent.

[Karmageddon]

So she is basically telling you to shut up about it and just deal with me? Not very mature. You are looking into a window of your future, if you are happy with your life as it is, fine, keep on going. But if you arent & she isn't willing to make any changes, this is what your relationship is & welcome to the rest of your life. Only you can make that decision, but I can tell you from experience that when she gets more complacent and secure in the relationship, her efforts will diminish. It's just human nature.

[jenny_mcs]

She is actually the one doing the threatening. What she is basically telling you is that if you dare call her out on her bad behavior, or make any attempt to stand up for yourself, she will leave.

 

I would leave any talk of marriage out of things. I would calmly tell her that you refuse to be in a relationship where you are treated this way. If she is willing to make a sincere effort to change this behavior, great, you will help her in any way that you can. But saying things like "It's just the way I am..."- well, that's basically telling you that she has no desire to change, so get over it.

 

And i agree with the other posters who are saying that if this is the way she treats you after less than a year of dating....it will get worse the longer you are together and if you get married. Much worse.

[Seymore]

And I'm confident she couldn't find a better guy, because I do the very best I can. I know if she says she wants to break it off, she's going to have to deal with every friend and family member of hers telling her how wrong she is. They all love me and have told her before not to mess it up. So if it comes to it, I'm prepared for the worst.

[Karmageddon]

Good luck. I know it is not easy when you have to draw a line in the sand and not allow someone to treat you poorly. I wish you luck.

[FreedomRing]

Boofie...

 

I think I've responded to one of your posts before.....is this the same gf who went to the beach or something and got snappy with you while she was on vacation? That was a few months ago right? Correct me if i'm wrong, but wasn't the fight over the same sort of overreacting, disrespectfulness she has exhibited in this fight?

[Seymore]

Yes, but I will be honest - she HAS improved since then. It still manages to creep through from time to time, but she is trying and I can see that.

 

I left the ball in her court, asking if she wanted me around. I also said that if I had asked her to just "deal" with an issue she had with me, how would she react. I told her that the reason she lost friends in high school and after was due to her attitude (according to her), and that she can't afford to go through life burning bridges like that, especially since one of those friends just came back into her life, forgiving her. Anyway, she responded, saying that she didn't know what was wrong with her or what triggers it, but she is sure that she wants to be with me the rest of her life and is willing to make more of an effort and if I have any suggestions she will listen.

 

I was reading the book "Mind over mood" myself, since I have a tendency to make my thoughts control my actions, whether valid or not. I told her about what I'd learned from it, that the next time she feels that switch flip to think about the last thing she thought before she snapped and talk about it with me, as it might be an invalid thought or assumption driving her to get upset. Maybe then we can figure this out. I also told her that the way she words things when she's upset is a big reason why it bothers me, and that instead of just saying "Why did you say that? Forget it, I'll just walk home" etc., to just stop at "Why did you say that?" and hear my reason for thinking the way I do. Maybe she will see that I have a valid thought instead of assuming and shutting me out.

 

I don't mind if she gets upset and it's valid, I just want her to listen to what I'm thinking before making an assumption and being angry with me right away.

 

I want so badly to make this work - aside from this, she's everything I could want or ask for. I understand that she's not angry with me, but there's something inside of her making her act this way.

[FreedomRing]

You really seem like a flexible and understanding boyfriend Boofie. And if my memory still serves me correctly, there is an age difference here right? Nothing huge, but one that might play a slight factor, right?

 

In any event, I think no matter what resources you look into helping her with HER problem, none of it will make any difference, if she isn't putting forth the same effort(I actually believe moreso) in coming up with alternatives for her negative behaviors as well.

 

I truly hope she is appreciative of your patience and positive attitude towards her...

[Seymore]

Thanks There is an age difference. I'm 29 and she's 23. In my last LTR that went bad because of the same thing (and the last one refused to budge at ALL in changing), I allowed it to ruin my self-esteem. This time around, I realize that I AM an understanding human being and a good guy. So if anything, I won't allow it to ruin me like before. I know I'm doing my best and I'm proud of it.

 

I also notice that certain things affect her mood towards me. If she's with her sister/nephew/anyone in her family, she won't snap at all. When we went on a 2-week road trip together, it was perfect.

[FreedomRing]

yeah, you're at two pivotal stages of life...she's still in her early twenties, while you're in your late twenties...still some evident maturing needed on her end imo...key words about her mood being stable when withher[/b]family...well it's her family, now isn't it...more then likely she keeps this other side in check, so her family members won't notice...

 

At the end of the day, snapping and loosing her cool like that towards you, signifies one main point: clearly not the same level of respect being reciprocated.

[keith515]

You story reminded me of my relationship. There are many great times but there so many times when she is just rude. Usually it's when we are on the phone.

 

Also, she never wants to talk about the relationship because she thinks it causes problems.

I just want to talk about something and she takes it at as "all we ever do is talk about our relationship" in a real defensive manner.

 

I don't think my GF will get better and I don't see why yours would as well. I think you have to accept her for who she is or move on.

[keith515]

You story reminded me of my relationship. There are many great times but there so many times when she is just rude. Usually it's when we are on the phone.

 

Also, she never wants to talk about the relationship because she thinks it causes problems.

I just want to talk about something and she takes it at as "all we ever do is talk about our relationship" in a real defensive manner.

 

I don't think my GF will get better and I don't see why yours would as well. I think you have to accept her for who she is or move on.