An answer to my behavior...

[Steve 7745]

In my experiences, I realize that many people follow this pattern. First, about the time they're in their late teens to college, both men and women get into their first serious relationship. Average time on it is a few years. Because it's the first relationship, it often fails of course. The age of the people involved, the immaturity of both parties, the difficulties of so called "young love" all play a role.

 

Afterwards comes a slight experimentation phase where people try various forms of dating, ranging from random one night stands, casual no-sex dating, etc, etc. Not long after, a form of an ideal mate begins to spin in the person's head. Often, this form is highly based on the first person that one has felt anything for in the previous long term relationship.

 

Now, about this time (mid twenties), many short term relationships begin to emerge. These short terms go for as little as one or two weeks, to as long as a handful of months. Throughout these short term relationships, new ideas are spun which are added to the archetype of what one is seeking in a mate.

 

My experiences end when one is starting to hit the later twenties, where these short term relationships begin to be more on the longer side, ranging from three to six months.

 

In our experiences in dating, I've come to wonder just how much the first relationship we have affects us, and I have a feeling that the answer is "more than we would realize". The first relationship sets a standard for our future behavior. I suppose this didn't come out until I began to ponder why my summer relationships never seem to go so well, but the rest of the year my relationships seem to work out perfectly.

 

I suppose that's about the time that it hit me. In my first relationship, it was a long distance between DC and NY, then north and south MD when she moved down to College Park. The distance made us lonely and I got used to entertaining myself by playing games, hanging out with friends, studying, etc etc. We would see each other once a month. Then the summer came.

 

Now, I was a lousy boyfriend, and it was during the summer months that this came to pass. Basically, we made plans and I stayed with her at her apartment for the three months I was there, sleeping on the futon because her bed was too small. It was during the summer of a slight recession and I was having a hard time finding a job to pay the rent. My girlfriend ended up taking care of me, providing money for the bills and food, and even finding a job for me as a painter with a pathetic company. Our living styles were straining too, she demanded the place be kept extremely tidy and she would constantly want to go out. I just wanted to stay up at night and play video games- by the end of the day I was so sick of her nagging me I just wanted to be left alone.

 

I think it's either a factor of guilt or an attempt to overcompensate for what had happened, but during the summer months in my later relationships I often became somewhat try hard. Buying flowers, becoming a little too affectionate and spending far too much time with the girl I was seeing.

 

S, my first summer fling, lasted two weeks. Her definitive reason for ending it? "I was too needy."

 

K, single mom. I think her status of a single mother made her encourage that behavior. Ended because I believed her when she said, "I'm not looking for a dad for my child", which led me not to take the relationship seriously. This came back to bite me on the rear. Now I know.

 

Next summer, there was...

 

K, pursued her for the summer. Managed to start curbing my neediness some, but after two months I asked for an exclusive relationship. Was turned down but continued to see her, finally gave up when I realized she wasn't going to give me what I wanted.

 

S, lasted three weeks after earlier K. Was affectionate and spent a lot of time with her, going so far as to be the first girl I had ever bought flowers for since my first relationship. And her humorous reaction was...

 

S: "Wow! You're the second guy in my life to ever buy me flowers!"

Me: "Really? What happened to the first guy?"

S: "He's in prison."

 

Let that be a lesson to you.

 

I pursued S for three weeks, becoming affectionate, while she began to turn away some after a while. She was so into me, then she lost interest. Lost my job, ended things with her. Called her a month later, but she explained, "You can't force romance..."

 

After S, my friend reminds me that when it comes to relationships, once a guy has chased a girl enough, he needs to turn around and let her chase him. He didn't kinow why that was, but for some reason proving that she was worthwhile to him seemed crucial. I try it and end up in a relationship that lasts six months throughout the winter. It ends, then summer comes.

 

Only one relationship that lasted for three months with C. Things are great for the first two months when we go exclusive. Things are still fine for two weeks, then the honey moon phase is over and things start to get a little rough. I become try hard in the last week of it, things boil over and then fail.

 

Strange thing is that all my try-hard behavior only occurs during the summer. During the fall, winter and spring, my relationships are effortless. They last, both she and I seem happy, but during the summer, something goes wrong. And I think the key is grasping the connection to my first relationship.

[ugly-side]

I'm afraid to its too soon talk/flirt with girls socialy. I'm a mess, and I think they would see that. But I'm starting to think I'm one of those people that has to be with somebody? I worry if I persue someone, they will just think rebound, and I'll be setting myself up for something bad. You talk about first relationships, My ex was my 2nd official girlfriend (unless you don't count high school, 4-5 months). I graduated early, and after I got out of the Army, I was 20, and met "her" two weeks later. After 7 years, I'm as clueless as I was in high-school!?

[Steve 7745]

I'm afraid to its too soon talk/flirt with girls socialy. I'm a mess, and I think they would see that. But I'm starting to think I'm one of those people that has to be with somebody? I worry if I persue someone, they will just think rebound, and I'll be setting myself up for something bad. You talk about first relationships, My ex was my 2nd official girlfriend (unless you don't count high school, 4-5 months). I graduated early, and after I got out of the Army, I was 20, and met "her" two weeks later. After 7 years, I'm as clueless as I was in high-school!?

 

Well you've had two relationships. I mean, there's a lot you can learn from someone, but sometimes you can think of a relationship as a "perspective", partially of yourself, and partially of the people you see. When you think about it that way... you've only had two perspectives.

 

Go date other girls, take a rebound. There are always tons of people who actually do NOT mind being the rebound, because they don't want to invest emotions in anybody. As long as you accept (from the beginning) that it's a short term thing (and tell THEM as much), then it should be okay.

[Xetra Dax]

You're one person, and this is your experience. Which basically means there's still a ton out there for you to learn. This style of thinking you have has a lot of 'doomsday' thinking, just because its summer doesn't mean your relationship has to end. That idea is something you have to throw out of the window. It doesn't have to be the way you stereotype it.

 

People nowadays have relationships later on in life because there's a lot of obstacles, school, job, but its really not necessarily so that relationships that start out at older age will endure longer. If you're a drugged alcohol infested bum , your relationship probably isn't going to last long even if you're 45 year old. What really matters in a relationship is wether people 'fit' together, and can give substantial input towards eachothers lives, a lot of the relationships are short because people are so incredibly demanding nowadays.

 

There's a lot of things that tear people apart, and although its true that once people get more experience and will act upon that experience which can make their relationships more durable, its not a garantee. Sure there are certain trends but in my experience life is what you make of it, and when it comes to relationships , its definitly what you make of it, and your partner vice versa.

 

Religion/tradition also makes a big difference, people who believe in the sanctionary aspect of marriage, and people who will take great effort to save their relationship, are bound to more likely have longer lasting relationships, compared to people who simply put no value into commitment. So there's tons of patterns.

[Steve 7745]

I didn't exactly WANT my relationships to end. But somehow, my efforts to try and save those relationships backfire each time. It only takes two examples to form a pattern, and I see at least three definite examples in what I've listed.

 

The pattern I've noticed is that come mid to late summer, my relationships have a tendency to end against my wishes. The end comes almost as swiftly as the beginning. My usual behavior is to become more try hard with that person, being more giving, more affectionate and spending more time with them. Thus far, it backfires and seems to only speed up if not cause the end of the relationship.

 

Many of the people I formed these relationships with have a very, very similar pattern too. One long term relationship that didn't work out, a few short term flings and then nada. Considering the unusual successes I've had during the winter months and the drastic failures of my summer ones, I'd like to see how my behavior evolved to a point where I throw myself too hard at people whose interests have dwindled.

[Steve 7745]

So no one else has wondered if their first relationship was an archetype of all later relationships?

[desi1987]

I have a question for you.

 

I have heard it said that the first relationship pretty much determines the rest or at least the way you interact in them.

 

So if a girls heart was broken and she was cheated on numerous times..would she then think it was okay to cheat? Would that betrayal in her first relationship affect her mindset in future relationships..ie oh if he could break my heart every other guy will..so I will just beat them to the punch..

[yankeefan74]

I certainly think some issues with trust could develop. In those cases, you may have someone who unconsciously, but actively does things to end a relationship with their SO to maintain a certain sense of control. If you fear that everyone will eventually betray or leave you, then you might decide to "beat them to the punch", sure.

[desi1987]

Ok..my ex would always say oh..you will just leave me like "all the rest"..and I would be like wth?

 

She also said that she wouldnt really be surprised If I broke up with her because it has happened to her so much in the past.

 

Lol..ironically she cheated and basically broke up with me..funny huh

[Steve 7745]

I have a question for you.

 

I have heard it said that the first relationship pretty much determines the rest or at least the way you interact in them.

 

So if a girls heart was broken and she was cheated on numerous times..would she then think it was okay to cheat? Would that betrayal in her first relationship affect her mindset in future relationships..ie oh if he could break my heart every other guy will..so I will just beat them to the punch..

 

I can see three ways this plays.

 

The first, because her first love cheated on her, her beliefs warp. She comes to believe that because her first experience in love came to cheating, that it is acceptable to cheat. Whether this is a sense of self entitlement, or perhaps a realization and acceptance of a form of polyarmority, that's up to her.

 

Second, she retains her beliefs of fidelity and believes her boyfriend was wrong. Whether she forgives him and embraces him still, or dumps him and finds someone else, it is very possible that trust issues could result from the incident, resulting in a sense of near schizophrenia or even paranoia from the effects of the affair.

 

Third, she ends the relationship and does not really resolve the challenge to her beliefs. She has neither warped her standards nor has she confirmed her code of ethics on the matter. The problem remains on a simmer until she is confronted with a similar situation, in which case the results are of the previous two variety, finally manifesting themselves once a similar stimulis has been achieved.

 

I believe I once read that people who are jealous often times cheated once in their past. It maybe a form of projecting their anxieties on someone else. Ironically, those kind of trust issues are what could drive a significant other to cheat as well. Hence, the more we act on our fears, the more likely they are to come to pass.