My Breakup Saga..please please advise?

[bellamine]

hi guys...

This is a long story...so I will try and keep to the main points

My boyfriend and I dated for 7 years, best friends, lovers, soul-mates really. We had great times, we knew everything about each other - good and bad.our families are close..hometown sweethearts.. we talked about the future and eventually settling down.

 

In the 7th year, we hit a bad patch.We were stuck in a rut, not making an effort to do things as much together. silly really..because i know you need to make an effort with relationships to keep them alive. At the same time, I was turning 25 - mid 20's crisis maybe..and I was becoming bored and unhappy in my life and where I was going. I knew I needed a career change. I loved my boyfriend..but I was scared to commit any further without ensuring I was happy in myself

I guess I felt its hard to commit and love someone else until you love yourself.

So we broke up - or I broke up with him. It was very very hard, he was devastated and couldn't understand..i don't think I explained properly either.I just needed to get away....my head was a mess

after a couple of months, we got back in contact..

 

Anyway, that was 2 years ago and for the most part of that time, we have been in contact. about a year ago, we talked about seeing each other casually just between ourselves - not tell anyone - to avoid outside pressures..in theory this seemed a good idea, its what I wanted as I never stopped loving him. But in practice and now hindsight, this "semi-relationship" - bordering on just being friends was more harmful for us. I found myself increasingly busy with my college work which left me with little time to spend with him. although i can imagine he was frustrated, he understood and supported me..and made do with our limited dates. i think the way we both handled it was damaging any bond we had left. we never had a proper breakup and when you are still seeing someone its hard to know what we have and what you dont have.

 

and in that time we became complacent.i was absorbed in my college work, and prioritised it. I took him for granted..I never explained how much I cared. Because we were drifting along, there seemed no urgency to it.

 

until a few weeks ago, he told me he had had enough, he has "wasted" over a year of his life on me/us and wanted to get on with his life.Up until that dreaded conversation, we were getting on well, had spent the weekend together, lunch out etc..so I was shocked.

it turns out he's now seeing someone else..and he wants to make a go of it with her cause he says its easier to start fresh then go back to us and our baggage. I am distraught and its eating me up..

Although you might think I had been very naiive letting it go this far..I really thought we would work things out..he waited for me for a year and we had been together for 7 years..and now nothing..

he's also going abroad with work for 6 months -although he will be home once or twice a month..

 

 

I dont know what to do...I really, really want to make things work for us. i want to fight for us..but i think the more i try and speak with him, the more i am driving him away..

any advice would be appreciated...

[kuhl282000]

Well 7 years in a long time ......and then add another year to it .....

 

I was just in a wonderful relationship the one I wanted for life for almost 5 years ....

 

I was very happy, and she sounded just like you in your post ......ie; becoming bored and unhappy in my life ,I needed a career change,but I was scared to commit any further ,

 

SO WE BROKE UP .....i don't think I explained properly either,I just needed to get away....my head was a mess

 

______________________________________

 

Well I went through the same ordeal ......and it is an ordeal and it hurts and is damaging to the heart for whatever reason .......

 

Actually I got tired of it .....so I packed and I moved out ...saddest day of my life ...and I still miss her everyday ......we have not spoken in months .....she has more then likely moved on ......and she can't blame me for moving she said .....she said I guess you were ready to move or you would not have moved out .....wrong

 

I moved out for her not me ....it almost killed me, the mood swings the not knowing, all the doubt, then the fighting , the pent up anger ........it all builds discontent

A guy gets tired of it, all he wants is for you to love him back ......he has to know he is number one in your life .....

 

I loved mine more then life itself ....she was the one my soulmate ....she was the one doubting not me. By moving out I knew everything was going to be at risk and on the line now....but she left me no choice really with the things that were being said....they became hurtful ......so by leaving you love them so much and you do not want to make them unhappy ......so you feel by splitting that they will now have different options ........and she did ......

 

One option she had (I figured about five in my head at the time for her) was she could finally realize that by me leaving that she missed me so much and needed me that I would come back .......and I would have. However the option she choose was to get pissed off and no accept her role in all of this and just cut all lines of communication .....I knew her well and she was not a forgiving type at all.

 

So by letting TIME (complicated Mr. Time) in all of this .....both you and I we may have waited to long to get our point accross ....you know to make them realize ....

I know you don't want to hear this but your situation sound to me like the TIME .....ran way to long.....he got tired of waiting. Guys don't really just want to be friends after being intimate ......thats a slap in the face to us ......oh, we might go along for awhile ......but then after awhile ........we get fed up.

 

You know the old saying a lot of fish in the sea .....it works both ways ......

I miss mine just like you miss yours everyday .....but they are gone now ......

Good luck in you fighting quest ......I like that spirit. Sometimes its worth it, and some times it just sets you back and makes you exhusted .....

 

For me ...Love should be real simple .....you stick together, as they say in the movie TOP GUN ......Don't ever leave your wingman ......and you left your wingman.

 

Good Luck, you're going to need some I think ......and especially with another person in the picture......I could personally never pursue someone with another person in the picture ....to much pain and forces working against you ...I have to be exclusive or not at all ......

 

The sun rose and set with that woman .......she was loved just like she is missed ......greatly

[bellamine]

Kuhl282000

 

thanks for the response and advice..i'll take them on board.

 

im sorry to hear of your situation. tell me though - if your Ex wanted you back in her life today - what would you say?

[SapphireNoir10]

Can I answer that as well? My ex and I were together almost two years, engaged living together then he turned round and said he didnt love me anymore.

 

Would I take him back? No. Wasn't worth the drama and the hassle.

 

Let him go, let him move on. If it isnt meant to be, it isnt meant to be.

 

Stay strong.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think your problem here is that twice you have shown him that when you get under stress you push him away and put him on the back burner and focus on other things.

 

Then when he pulls away, you try to drag him back in, but then start ignoring the relationship again. So you have made it very clear to him that he is not your priority, and hence he is alienated and doesn't believe you when you say he is important to you.

 

You have to learn to juggle things so that your relationship isn't always on the back burner. Many many people go to college and have very demanding careers but still manage to keep their relationships front and center and happy. You kept choosing to throw him aside to focus solely on school or whatever, so i think he doesn't want this recurring pattern for the rest of his life.

 

Your only hope is to try to convince him that you recognize you have a problem, and that you were wrong to always put him last, and that you are getting counseling to learn how to deal with stress and how to multi-task.

 

But i am sad to say that it may be too late if you've done this to him twice. Sometimes people just outgrow one another, and you may need to accept that this was an opportunity/road that you chose not to take, and opportunities don't stay active and open forever. That is just the way life works.

[guitars]

You sound exactly like my ex, bellamine. I'm sorry to say this, but it might be too late for you two. It sounds like he was very patient and caring and you sort of blew it. Sorry.

 

I think that your only shot would be to spend the six months while he's abroad getting your life into some serious order. See a therapist about your inability to balance career/emotions/relationship, don't date, stay in contact with your ex as much as he will allow (unless him being in another relationship becomes too much for you to handle) and hope for the best. If he waited for you for a year he must really care about you, but figures that you won't give him what he needs, which is a reliable "real" relationship with you. Even if it doesn't work out for you two, you MUST see to it that you no longer put people on the backburner when you go through rough times. Good luck.

 

As an aside, "seeing each other casually just between ourselves - not tell anyone - to avoid outside pressures" is a big NO-NO. My ex and I got back together for a while after our first break-up and it hurt me a lot that she was more worried about what her friends/family would think than just being happy to have me back. The whole "too busy to have a real relationship" thing is a cop-out too - what, you can't spare an hour or two on most days to just have the person that you love around? Was this relationship enhancing your life or distracting from it? You can't have someone hanging around while you flail about in your life and expect them to weather the storm with practically no pay-off for them. That's asking them for a commitment that you yourself aren't willing to give.

 

Sorry for the rant, but your situation is eerily like mine and it hits a few triggers for me.