Do abusers every mean anything they say?

[reneex061]

My ex has said A LOT of means things and would take them back and then say them again later on. I don't know what he mean and what he didn't mean. How can you tell what they mean and what's just a lie thats said because of anger?

[Rising]

It's hard to say what they mean and what they don't mean. Whether it's true or not is another totally different conversation. Most of the time they say things to get a rise out of you, or to specifically hurt you. Regardless, you shouldn't be with anyone who treats you this way, whether they mean it or not.

 

If you knew someone was hurting someone you care for deeply over and over again, would it really matter if they meant it or not?

[greywolf]

They might mean it, they might not. I think they just look for the most hurtful thing that they can say to you, whether they mean it or not.

[Angel_baby]

Well in the case of my husband he usually says it because he "knows" it will hurt me. They feed off that hurt. The reason I know this is because I tested my husband. Acted like none of the things he was saying effected or hurt me... guess what? He just got more hatful, vile and cruel things to come up with.

 

I don't think they really mean what they say but they DO mean to hurt you and break you down emotionally and mentally.

 

In a healthy relationship a person wouldn't want to hurt the one they love. Yeah arguments happen but somethings just should never be said. Period.

[Angel_baby]

^^^ Actually what she really should do is leave him. Abuse only escalates. Very RARELY do they ever change.

Renee things will get worse. Trust me, I know firsthand. You shouldn't have to cry and feel so hurt by the one you love. He should be loving you back, not hurting you.

[tiredofvampires]

sense that i don't think they are sadists.

i think they do whatever gets a reaction.

 

Oh, I think there is a good bit of sadism there. I don't really think you can separate the charge someone gets out of hurting someone they "love" because it gives them a sense of power -- and a pure definition of sadism.

 

Well in the case of my husband he usually says it because he "knows" it will hurt me. They feed off that hurt. The reason I know this is because I tested my husband. Acted like none of the things he was saying effected or hurt me... guess what? He just got more hatful, vile and cruel things to come up with.

 

And that, sadly, is the testament right there. This is about power -- if they feel they've lost the power to have an effect, they have lost their bearings and have to up the ante. Upping the ante being the phrase of the day, because in fact, as the victim gets more numb and used to this maltreatment, more violence and cruelty is required to get the same "rise."

[Daegas]

^^^ Actually what she really should do is leave him. Abuse only escalates. Very RARELY do they ever change.

Renee things will get worse. Trust me, I know firsthand. You shouldn't have to cry and feel so hurt by the one you love. He should be loving you back, not hurting you.

I agree. Even if you are able to keep some measure of control to prevent the manipulation from getting worse, the cycle will start over all the time and you'll need to stop it again. From my own experience I can say that this is exhausting.

 

What works well for me with manipulative girls (lying and talking you down) is to simply laugh at their manipulative behavior and try to have a normal conversation with them about something else, or make an exit and not speak to them again until they speak to me. I've tried many other things but the result is always the same: sooner or later they started to manipulate again.

 

You may find an interesting thread.

[Seraphim]

We are ALL telling you the same thing. Do not keep making excuses for him. Stop rationalizing why he does something and LEAVE. You are worth more than that.

[Aurian]

And that, sadly, is the testament right there. This is about power -- if they feel they've lost the power to have an effect, they have lost their bearings and have to up the ante. Upping the ante being the phrase of the day, because in fact, as the victim gets more numb and used to this maltreatment, more violence and cruelty is required to get the same "rise."

 

Exactly. That is why abuse always escalates. Eventually a victim gets numb to one level of abuse, and the abuser escalates.

 

 

Renee, are you thinking about leaving him? Have you already done so? I am wondering why you have so many posts lately on trying to understand the abuser. Is it because you just want to understand what you went through or are you trying to understand this guy so he will stop hurting you?

 

If its the former, then it does help to sort things out in your mind after the fact. If its the latter, don`t bother trying to make things work. I wasted years doing that, and nothing did. He just kept getting worse and worse. My only regret a few years after is that I didn`t leave sooner.

[Applewhite]

Who cares if they mean it or not! Turn your head walk away, and after that no matter what, they have never existed. They don't even deserve to be remembered or thought about by you. Gawwd I'm SO angry from another thread. I was gonna write something else, but I had to erase it because it woulda probably gotten deleted anway. GRRR

[metrogirl]

Well in the case of my husband he usually says it because he "knows" it will hurt me. They feed off that hurt. The reason I know this is because I tested my husband.

Acted like none of the things he was saying effected or hurt me... guess what? He just got more hatful, vile and cruel things to come up with.

I don't think they really mean what they say but they DO mean to hurt you and break you down emotionally and mentally.

 

In a healthy relationship a person wouldn't want to hurt the one they love. Yeah arguments happen but somethings just should never be said. Period.

 

 

My ex knew that I would fight back with him and then one day I barely gave him a reaction to the cruel things he was saying and he asked me "why aren't you mad?" That just annoyed him more and he took it further. Suddenly the insults and threats that he was hurling at me were just intensified simply because I would give him a re-action.....

 

I'm sooooo glad to be rid of him.

[Aurian]

My ex has said A LOT of means things and would take them back and then say them again later on. I don't know what he mean and what he didn't mean. How can you tell what they mean and what's just a lie thats said because of anger?

 

I just looked at your first post, I guess you already did leave him. So I guess you are trying to sort out what is true and what is not?

 

I believed so much of what my ex told me, that when I ended things, there was so much I had to sort through and figure out what to believe. I even had counselling to help me sort through the web of lies and insecurity.

 

A lot of it was told to hurt me. He knew what I was insecure about and used irrelevant or minor things as a starting point for big hurtful lies while still being believable to me.

 

Some were things I have decided had a grain of truth in, just blown out of proportion and used as battering rams on my esteem. They were not problems to the degree he made them out to be, but they were things I could work on and improve on in myself.

 

I still have an insecurity moment or two after years of having my self esteem beaten at, but most of the hurtful things he said belonged in the garbage. :splat:

[reneex061]

Who cares if they mean it or not! Turn your head walk away, and after that no matter what, they have never existed. They don't even deserve to be remembered or thought about by you. Gawwd I'm SO angry from another thread. I was gonna write something else, but I had to erase it because it woulda probably gotten deleted anway. GRRR

 

 

 

yeah i know..he doesnt deserve to be thought about by me. he doesnt even deserve my time at all..and he isnt going to get any more of my time. what thread made you mad?