How to get an ex back?

[TheMichiganM]

Ok, dated a girl for four months. She's older and with a kid. She was head over heels over me the entire relationship and had it get serious quick.

 

She lost her job and has been going nuts over it. One day she dumped me saying she is depressed, freaking out, and can't give her heart to one man. Her ex called her at her darkest moment and she said part of the reason she dumped me was because old feelings re-surfaced, even though she never wants to get back with him.

 

I think the ex is a red herring but she may be right. I've had no contact since the break up. It's been two weeks.

 

We had a fantastic relationship. I could be wrong but I think she made a hasty decision. I know it's hers to make but do I have any shot if I ask to hang out and feel her out? Should I give it more time or just completely drop it and move on?

 

I know I will be fine with her (in time) and without her. I'm a catch. Why do I want to get back? We had an amazing time with no problems before she flipped out.

 

She said it wasn't about me. She said she is still in love with me. She said I couldn't have done anything differently and that I'm amazing. She hates herself for doing this.

 

I think this is about her getting herself right since she told me she feels worthless without a job.

 

I have no problem getting "rejected" one more time since I would officially close the door. I just think it's worth one more shot and of course, timing is everything. How much time should I give her before I contact her? It's been two weeks. Thanks.

[jammer180]

i'd give it another week honestly. then maybe shoot her a quick email just saying hey, was just thinking about you and hope that things are going better for you. i know you made your decision about us, but i want you to know that if you need someone to talk to or would like to go for a coffee you know how to reach me..... dont say anything about getting back together, or her ex, or anything. if she wants to talk to you, she will respond and take you up on it i think. but dont call her and say i want to hang out and see how we are together or anything like that. might be too threatening for her if she's still unsure or hating herself. if you just put yourself out there as someone who cares because you know she is going through something, she might like to talk and you could find out a lot if you just listen i think. hope this helps.

[kuhl282000]

With a lot of praying

[Steve 7745]

I concur with Jammer. Wait one week, shoot an email to gauge if she's interested. And if it's negative or no reply, walk away, go NC and get on with it.

[TheMichiganM]

Ok, first of all, thank you all for your well-thought out and reasonable responses. They have been very helpful.

 

This is where I'm at right now:

 

This week has been great. After reading some of these posts and talking to friends/family, I realized something important. I'll be fine with her or without her. Not having contact is the best thing for me no matter what happens.

 

I need to move on. I think she has baggage and even though I loved her personality, it's not a working relationship right now. I can't, nor should I have to, convince someone to get back with me. If they are healthy and truly love me, they will come back - especially because we broke up on good terms and without me doing anything wrong.

 

And if they are leaning towards wanting me back, my first contact could make me seem desperate, and thereforee, less attractive. If they move on because of the space, then it just wasn't meant to be. I believe that true long-term relationships should be stronger than that.

 

I've signed up for speed dating on tomorrow and this Saturday. I even scheduled a "hang out" with a chick who lives about 2 hours away. I think this is a nice situation because I can tell we both are attracted to each other, however, I'm looking to keep it casual and I believe she is too. So, I think I'm at least getting the ball rolling at moving on.

 

I'm also picking up books on how to appear more attractive and charming to women. The only problem with this is that I feel I am placing too much value on hooking up with someone else to get over her. Ideally, I should have a strong sense of self to not need a rebound. But I do. It will make me feel more confident and that I have options. At some point, maybe I need to work on why I validate myself through women's attraction.

 

So, as I was saying, I was doing so well lately, but I did have a set back today. For those of you who are familiar with Facebook, I received an update on my newsfeed that said she changed her status from "in a relationship" to "single." Fine, that's reasonable.

 

For some reason, though. I clicked on her profile. I shouldn't have.

 

She changed her profile picture to a picture of her in a bikini. This was originally a photo that she took for me. Also, she only signed up for Facebook after I showed it to her. Her only friends were me and my friends -- so I figured that she would not use it much.

 

I was wrong.

 

She added a new friend. Even though I shouldn't have, I clicked on the guy's name. He is a good looking guy from Philly and seems to be about mid 20's. (So am I.) She's in her mid 30's in Northern NJ with a kid. She never mentioned this guy before so I figure she met him online.

 

This bothered because she told me she didn't have the energy for a relationship with anyone and yet it looks like she's looking for someone else. And while I consider myself attractive, so is he. So it hurts to know she's talking to cute guys. It's a shot to my ego. I don't understand why the space wouldn't make her want to come back to me.

 

However, I'm trying to look at the bright side. Since she has a kid and he lives more than 90 mins away, maybe she's just looking to flirt online to stroke her ego. (She did this before me). But then, she did meet her separated husband online.

 

Okay, now I'm rambling. I just know that I can't have "no contact" if I check her facebook, so I must stop. She deleted me from myspace because she blogs on it. I don't want to delete her from facebook because I don't want to make it seem like I'll never be her friend and/or I can't handle not seeing her page.

 

This may be a good thing in that it hurts now but reinforces that we aren't getting back together. If I were confused about dumping someone, I don't think I'd be looking for chicks this soon. I'm content with not talking to her and meeting other girls, but before the facebook incident, I probably held out a little long-term hope. I shouldn't now.