ATLstudent Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 Growing up i was a really dreamy spacey kid, lived inside my thoughts and had a great imagination, it carries over today with my different perspective on things, usually not thinking like most people around me aabout life love meaning in general. Anyway I know i am getting older and i know im changing, I once saw the daily steps i took as leading me to a great path, a great life, a great love, a great career, ive always thought my realistic fantasies would come true if i wanted it enough. I feel like thats all slipping away. As i get older every year is suddenly becoming this little segment of time i dont want to see breeze by so fast. I dont accomplish much in between these little segments. Sure im taking steps but they are steps into a life i never wanted and constantly feel like i am settling for rather than seeking out. I had an idea of how my future would be and it is completely not it at all. I've aged super fast, not good looking as i once was, fatherer away from love and affection from a significant other than i have ever been. I was once optimistic but life is kinda of changing that, it seems the farther i go in this world the harder and more confusing it actually becomes, i wonder if life is a constant up hill battle, i figured life would be an enjoyable thing. I guess the gift of life is called a 'gift' because it offers some sort of reward and pleasure, well im not feeling any of it, rarely i'll get some form of heartless empty happiness for a brief moment but every moment that consumes every other part of my life is constantly boring, mediocore, miserable,sad, depression,lazy, lack of thought and empty minded is a word i would give to my state of mind. LIFELFIELFIELFIELFIELFIE is not giving me much, but then again i am not putting that much into it either, I hope the concept of u get out what u put in actually works, I hope any of the random wisdom or sayings or cliches actually apply to reality because i need some form of higher power, reality, life by itself is a very boring loveless place for me. I am slowly being molded into another worker bee of society chasing money and a paycheck that actually doesnt mean * * * * , nada, it means nothing, but i want love and i want to be desired, as well as i want to desire others. My only recent desire for money and a loft in a big city, is a girl, or girls in general. I am attracted to very few people sexually, but when i find someone it sucks because they seem like the only people in the world so i jump over hoops and sacrifice myself and would sell my soul for them, if i could have someone no matter what as a significant other, no matter of money or where i lived i would live by water somewhere working somewhere in art just getting by not living in a big city, with a beamer, sucking in fumes all day. I dont truly want that, but i have convinced myself that thats what i want because i think its what will get me a girl like the one i have in mind, plus possibly being gay/bi i feel i am stuck to the big city life cause thats where the prominent gay scene is, btw the girl/girls i talk about are transexuals, i must sound messed up to people, but i cant control my sexuality, sometimes i wish i could, days like this i just want to move into the wilderness, the only thing that keeps me driving for success and city life is these girls, or thoughts of my homosexuality keeping me alone in any other enviorment than a big city.\ I feel a prisoner to the system and the big metropolis life because i truly dont want any part of it, but find the only people i am attracted to there. Is this a stupid way to live life, altering yourself, bending and struggling for someone else, although it would be for myself, but striving to do things out of a desire to be with someone, I have never had a real serious relationship only flings, i have never had sex,only oral and i didnt come, short lived, i feel like a dyfunctional human being that isn;t meant or cut out to live in this world, I dont enjoy life, i dont enjoy being someone who doesnt enjoy life, i dont enjoy someone who is not a fighter and thinks of suicide alot, at my core i dont respect or value me, i have not self worth really, nothing that says ur better than this or ur desire to live, all i have is this self loathing personality that does nothing for except keep a cycle of unaccompishment going. WOULD SUICIDE BE IN SOMEONES DESTINY, i dont believe in destiny but whos to say for those who do believe we have a meanig or purpose that suicide isnt a path for some, my life and my mind and just me tell me that my destiny or path leads to suicide and my struggle in life is from my deviance off the path of destiny, suicide. Sorry im kinda of rambling but for some reason i need to get this stuff out, its like i need to rant and rave about killing myself as a catharsis, or maybe im just getting cloeser to doing it, i dont really know anymore, just as i have not known any of the facts of my life or where its going, hopefully i will live to see another day. Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.