Life, mine, the world is gone

[ATLstudent]

Growing up i was a really dreamy spacey kid, lived inside my thoughts and had a great imagination, it carries over today with my different perspective on things, usually not thinking like most people around me aabout life love meaning in general. Anyway I know i am getting older and i know im changing, I once saw the daily steps i took as leading me to a great path, a great life, a great love, a great career, ive always thought my realistic fantasies would come true if i wanted it enough. I feel like thats all slipping away.

As i get older every year is suddenly becoming this little segment of time i dont want to see breeze by so fast. I dont accomplish much in between these little segments. Sure im taking steps but they are steps into a life i never wanted and constantly feel like i am settling for rather than seeking out. I had an idea of how my future would be and it is completely not it at all. I've aged super fast, not good looking as i once was, fatherer away from love and affection from a significant other than i have ever been. I was once optimistic but life is kinda of changing that, it seems the farther i go in this world the harder and more confusing it actually becomes, i wonder if life is a constant up hill battle, i figured life would be an enjoyable thing. I guess the gift of life is called a 'gift' because it offers some sort of reward and pleasure, well im not feeling any of it, rarely i'll get some form of heartless empty happiness for a brief moment but every moment that consumes every other part of my life is constantly boring, mediocore, miserable,sad, depression,lazy, lack of thought and empty minded is a word i would give to my state of mind. LIFELFIELFIELFIELFIELFIE is not giving me much, but then again i am not putting that much into it either, I hope the concept of u get out what u put in actually works, I hope any of the random wisdom or sayings or cliches actually apply to reality because i need some form of higher power, reality, life by itself is a very boring loveless place for me. I am slowly being molded into another worker bee of society chasing money and a paycheck that actually doesnt mean * * * * , nada, it means nothing, but i want love and i want to be desired, as well as i want to desire others. My only recent desire for money and a loft in a big city, is a girl, or girls in general. I am attracted to very few people sexually, but when i find someone it sucks because they seem like the only people in the world so i jump over hoops and sacrifice myself and would sell my soul for them, if i could have someone no matter what as a significant other, no matter of money or where i lived i would live by water somewhere working somewhere in art just getting by not living in a big city, with a beamer, sucking in fumes all day. I dont truly want that, but i have convinced myself that thats what i want because i think its what will get me a girl like the one i have in mind, plus possibly being gay/bi i feel i am stuck to the big city life cause thats where the prominent gay scene is, btw the girl/girls i talk about are transexuals, i must sound messed up to people, but i cant control my sexuality, sometimes i wish i could, days like this i just want to move into the wilderness, the only thing that keeps me driving for success and city life is these girls, or thoughts of my homosexuality keeping me alone in any other enviorment than a big city.\

 

I feel a prisoner to the system and the big metropolis life because i truly dont want any part of it, but find the only people i am attracted to there. Is this a stupid way to live life, altering yourself, bending and struggling for someone else, although it would be for myself, but striving to do things out of a desire to be with someone, I have never had a real serious relationship only flings, i have never had sex,only oral and i didnt come, short lived, i feel like a dyfunctional human being that isn;t meant or cut out to live in this world, I dont enjoy life, i dont enjoy being someone who doesnt enjoy life, i dont enjoy someone who is not a fighter and thinks of suicide alot, at my core i dont respect or value me, i have not self worth really, nothing that says ur better than this or ur desire to live, all i have is this self loathing personality that does nothing for except keep a cycle of unaccompishment going. WOULD SUICIDE BE IN SOMEONES DESTINY, i dont believe in destiny but whos to say for those who do believe we have a meanig or purpose that suicide isnt a path for some, my life and my mind and just me tell me that my destiny or path leads to suicide and my struggle in life is from my deviance off the path of destiny, suicide. Sorry im kinda of rambling but for some reason i need to get this stuff out, its like i need to rant and rave about killing myself as a catharsis, or maybe im just getting cloeser to doing it, i dont really know anymore, just as i have not known any of the facts of my life or where its going, hopefully i will live to see another day.

[angellight]

ATL

Please talk to a professional,,,, SUICIDE is not the answer...I feel you have too much going on inside and I am not qualified to help...Please talk to someone who is professionally trained....You are depressed....SUICIDE is not the answer..

[tina-rocks]

It's better to release the feelings we have then to repress them.

 

Thoughts of suicide. In that respect you might need to go to your doctor and explain how you feel. If you are suffering with depression which sounds like you are then you may need a little help in dealing and they will know exactly what the best course of action is.

 

I see you are having issues as to whether you may be either bisexual or perhaps gay. As human beings I believe we simply love who we love. If you are struggling with this you could find a group to join where you could air out some of your feelings or a really good friend who could simply listen would also help.

 

As we get older it's natural to wonder where our lives have gone. Feels like we are just jamming along with the rest of society. Next minute your another year older. I'm sure others here will relate as well. I often wonder about the what if and why fore.

 

There are those who will go through life only seeing things in black and white and those of us who will see all the grey areas in between. I suspect you see the grey area's also.

 

I know what it's like to struggle and feel pain. I understand.

 

Tina x

[Dethv]

I feel similar to how you feel. I do not find that life has much of a purpose, like I am on the outside and everyone else are just mindless sheep. However, I feel that I am forced to conform to these sheep or be miserable. I am different however, that I have a gf. It makes things better in some ways and in others it makes the depression even worse. You have to constantly try to make this other person happy, try to live up to their standards and it is very exhausting. Especially when I fail, I take it hard. When we fight it makes it even worse, like she does not care about me. It just makes suicide even more tempting. I go to college to get a job I do not want, because I know I will be one of the sheep chasing the dollar as you said. I want to be happy, I really do, but it is impossible for me to be happy in this world. In order for me to be happy I'd have to live on the street, feeding off the very sheep I do not want to become. I would never do that because I never would want to rely on such heartless people and would rather be dead.

 

I could get "help" but honestly what is it really helping? It's just ways for you to cope with life and all it throws at you. So you could honestly start to lie to yourself and think things in life are not as bad or be awaken to the fact that life does indeed suck. I for one would rather be miserable than in some false state of medicated happiness just to graze the fields with the rest of the sheep.

 

People say suicide is selfish, but I tend to disagree. Living for the simple reason to make someone else happy and leaving me to deal with the pain is selfish on their part. Ending the depression and pain is my own decision and for my own good, if it affects others than they can deal with it just as I have to deal with living. It's a double edged sword, no way to make everyone happy so why not make myself happy? I never decided to be born into this world or to live a life that was predetermined as normal and anything outside of it is wrong or a failure. Well I say life can stick it, I am capable of deciding now and I say I do not want it. The day will come for me, I have just never decided when, but it is coming.

[amipushy]

People say suicide is selfish, but I tend to disagree. Living for the simple reason to make someone else happy and leaving me to deal with the pain is selfish on their part. Ending the depression and pain is my own decision and for my own good, if it affects others than they can deal with it just as I have to deal with living. It's a double edged sword, no way to make everyone happy so why not make myself happy? I never decided to be born into this world or to live a life that was predetermined as normal and anything outside of it is wrong or a failure. Well I say life can stick it, I am capable of deciding now and I say I do not want it. The day will come for me, I have just never decided when, but it is coming.

 

Suicide isn't selfish I agree, it is an escape from an unendurable suffering no longer able to be borne, when all reason has left the mind, where the ability to think outside the pain and suffering has long gone, where other's suffering isn't comtemplated any longer because of the intense suffering within, where love has been replaced by fear and inner torture but thinking like THAT is selfish, I'm afraid. Think again.

[My Advice]

I lost both my dad and a close woman friend whom I had fallen in love with. It devestated me to the point I never fully recovered. Get help. Hospitalization. Nothing to be ashamed for doing so. It shows a type of strength.

[angellight]

I am EXTREMELY concerned for both ATLstudent and DETHV. You are both reaching out for help!!! You need to find this help not only on this site but also with someone who is close to you that can lead you in the proper direction...None of us know either of you and I guess that is what makes it easy for you to write down your most heartfelt and innermost feelings, but at the same time, it is also why we cannot help with in the way you REALLY need...You CANNOT keep this bottled up inside of you. Things can and will get better for both of you. Life is not endless uphill battle of dredgery and emptiness. I know it feels that way right now but that is because you are SO DEPRESSED. I feel for both of you.. AMIPUSHY made some excellent points.

"it is an escape from an unendurable suffering no longer able to be borne, when all reason has left the mind, where the ability to think outside the pain and suffering has long gone, where other's suffering isn't comtemplated any longer because of the intense suffering within, where love has been replaced by fear and inner torture."

 

You are no longer able to bear the pain, and are not thinking clearly. Ending the depression and pain IS your own decision and for your own good but you both need to do it in another way other than taking your own life. There are several 24-hour hotlines that can help people who are suicidal. Call (800) SUICIDE or (800) 273-TALK...THERE IS HOPE....

[jackhowa]

well i have the same problem with a girl i knew 2 years ago...i left her because at a moment i realised that things will not be fine between us...but actully now i regret that i did that...what really attracted me to her were plaenty of things which maybe i will never have and up to a point i have the feeling that she completes...the other day i saw her with somebody else nad she was really happy and enjoying her time and at that time i felt happy for her that maybe she found someone that may make her more happy than i would do but at the same time i was deeply torn apart as i realised that i will never have her again...everyday i think about her and feel her all around me and i still cant get over her and still dont know what to do ?!!!....