Paranoia or gut instinct?

[allypally]

When does the line get crossed between these two feelings?

 

I'm not sure whether I'm just being paranoid or whether it really is my gut instinct telling me something is wrong.

 

e.g.

paranoia?: my bf calling me at different times (earlier) than he normally does.

paranoia?: less affectionate phone convos and texts.

paranoia?: more interest in talking about his own day and not v empathatic about the fact that I've been ill.

paranoia?: St Val's cards that weren't mine.

Paranoia?: Happily talks about past sexual conquests and preferred physical attributes of women but has never said what he likes about my body.

 

If I'm wrong I could ruin the relationship.

[shikashika]

what do you mean by the Valentines cards that weren't yours??

[allypally]

He had 2 St Val's cards apart from mine - an expensive one which he said was from his mother and another cute one which just had a x?x inside which he doesn't know I've seen.

 

I'll never know whether he was telling the truth about the one from his mother and I don't know who the other one was from.

[shikashika]

well I get Valentines from my mother so it could be true.

 

I can see why the last comment could make you upset. however, do you compliment his physical appearance as well? Maybe thats his insecurity playing out as well. You know how guys liek to talk about their past girlfriends as 'hot' or 'total babe' when the girl was probably nothing more than average.

 

And maybe he's doing that to seek out attention. I know some guys I've dated have talked about other girls they've been with as 'hot' to try adn impress me as in, "Hey totally hot babes have digged me before, so i think you should give me a chance too.." ha ha!

 

Anything else you are concerned about?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I would define paranoia as fears unfounded in any form of verifiable (or potentially verifiable) sources, usually founded on some past hurt that you fear repeating in future, or a general tendency to assume the worst in all cases, regardless of what is actually happening.

 

Gut feeling is more intuition, where you brain recognizes a pattern of events occurring, then it suddenly clicks that there might be an explanation for those events.

 

But if you are constantly on the lookout for cheating when there is no clear indication cheating is occurring, then you are being paranoid.

 

On your 'paranoia' list you have, any one of those occurring by itself would be no big deal, but if all of them occurred, all the time, you might at a minimum wonder what is going on and start asking some questions to find out what is going on.

 

Another example.. if the St. Valentine's Day cards are sitting in a drawer and still unsent after Valentine's day, then perhaps he bought a few because he couldn't decide which one to send. But if they disappear after the holiday, he most likely snet them to somebody.

 

He could be calling you earlier because he has decided to go to bed earlier (or watch TV shows when he normally calls). Or he could be talking to someone else after he calls you. So try calling in your 'normal' time and see if he answers.

 

So you need to investigate your hunches to see where they lead before assuming they are truth.

 

More interest in his own day rather than yours? Selfish or self absorbed, but doesn't indicate cheating.

 

Less affectionate? Could be settling into the relationship and hence less 'romancing' going on (normal). Or could be he is turning his interest towards someone else.

 

So experience the feeling, don't overreact, but check it out in a non-obtrusive way.

[allypally]

I comment on his physical appearance all the time - to me he is hot. I am always telling him how sexy he is to me, how good he feels etc etc.

 

So is this just paranoia?

[allypally]

The other St Val's card was sitting on top of his desk along with my St Val's card, an unwritten in Christmas card and an Easter card from his mother.

[DN]

You have had bad experiences in the past and I think that is why you are constantly looking for signs of infidelity. Ad you are at the stage now where almost anything that is slightly out of the norm, real or perceived, is taken as as a sign.

 

At some point you are going to have to decide whether to trust him or let him go. But if you let him go I can almost guarantee that these same issues will affect any future relationships that you have, even if you are married. This is far more about you than it is about him.

[BellaDonna]

He had 2 St Val's cards apart from mine - an expensive one which he said was from his mother and another cute one which just had a x?x inside which he doesn't know I've seen.

 

So that is not a gut feeling that same from no where- it is a questionable item that you actually saw.

 

On your 'paranoia' list you have, any one of those occurring by itself would be no big deal, but if all of them occurred, all the time, you might at a minimum wonder what is going on and start asking some questions to find out what is going on.

 

I agree.

[allypally]

Thanks all of you -

 

Yes, I have had bad experiences, but I've never been cheated on.

 

I think the most painful thing has been the last 6 yrs prior to dating my bf whereby every single guy was on the rebound. There were pictures of their exes, they were very much in contact with them etc.