Torn

[Jlizzy]

In a relationship with man twenty odd years my senior.

He has 4 grown up kids, going through a divorce now, separated 2 years.

It's an LDR.

 

For 2 months it was very intense, amazing, we got incredibly close and discovered we're so similar that we joke about trying to find differences.

Then over past 2-3 weeks the contact drops next to nothing. I haven't been able to reach him at night especially and all in all it's hard to reach him. Finally in the last few days he's starting sending me more messages again and calling me though we havent spoken for 3-4 days now.

 

He failed to give me any reason for the lack of contact until about 1.5 weeks into it when he told me his company was folding and he was staying with a friend who was advisin him. Apparently didnt have his laptop with him (for over a week) and phone reception was bad.

 

I'm scared to death I've thrown myself into the deep end of something I cannot handle. I can handle all the circumstantial difficulties -distance, age, kids, divorce....I can't handle lack of contact, mind games, infidelity. Been though that stuff before. Can't do it again.

 

I feel terrified because he told me he had an affair of 1-2 years on his wife he is now divorcing and he doesnt see his kids too much because of current tensions...so I feel reasonably convinced that either I've gone and thrown myself into commitment with a man who is still playing around or can't handle conflict whatsoever and backs away instead, or even both?

 

To add to my confusion, my ex came back to me saying he made a major mistake. He's very inexperienced in love. I personally believe he has a condition causing him to be very unconvential in his behaviour but it's also very endearing to me. I understand him well and trust him a lot. Don't feel the same deep wow impact I felt from my current guy but recently when out with the ex realised I'm definitely starting to feel some sparks flying...of all times now!!

 

Obviously I should take space. But I also dearly want advice on my current guys behaviour and even on the ex...

 

Thanks in advance

[Cognitive_Canine]

Ok, girl, you need to slow down.

 

You almost sound scared with how you are writing the post. I think you are way over your head here.

 

I think you need to take a break from both of these guys (and maybe dating for a little bit) and just have a breather.

[keenan]

I can handle all the circumstantial difficulties -distance, age, kids, divorce....I can't handle lack of contact, mind games, infidelity. Been though that stuff before. Can't do it again.

 

I feel terrified because he told me he had an affair of 1-2 years on his wife he is now divorcing and he doesnt see his kids too much because of current tensions...so I feel reasonably convinced that either I've gone and thrown myself into commitment with a man who is still playing around or can't handle conflict whatsoever and backs away instead, or even both?

 

It sounds like you're saying that despite your circumstantial differences, the two of you have a really positive and intense connection when he chooses to make himself available to you...but that he has a history of (and perhaps a current problem with) "fading out" of his relationships when he feels like it, then coming back into focus when he's ready to play again.

 

I think you know the answer here but are having a hard time accepting it. You know you can't handle lack of contact...and he's just given you your first taste of that. He may be the most fascinating guy in the world, and the two of you may "get" each other in a million and one ways, but if he openly struggles to maintain consistency in the relationships with the people he loves--his (ex)wife, his kids, you--you're potentially setting yourself up for a rough ride. What you've just learned is that the intensity of your relationship is probably not going to override his temperament or relationship patterns. If you want him, you may very well have to accept him on these terms...and you've already said that you can't really do that.

 

I can't speak to the situation with the ex. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give right now, and you're wanting to give it to a person who will treasure that gift. I agree that if you can take some space for yourself that might be the best course of action. I feel for you, though, and I'm sorry you're riding these turbulent waves!

[Jlizzy]

Keenan thanks for your lovely post!!! Wow. Serious.

 

I've only had a few weeks of thinking time but am getting closer to an answer.

Part of my fear is that I have a past of putting myself into terrible relationships where I went through quite a lot of emotional trauma. I don't need to do that again.

 

I'm starting to think/realise that being the exact same in thoughts as someone or seemingly so is not everything...I learnt my lesson already years back that love alas is NOT everything...I THINK I'm seeing a situation where I've set myself up for trouble.

I'm currently back speaking to my boyfriend who suddenly is sending me loads of messages again...I definitely still feel a scepticism about the relationship..in whatever shape or form I was not important as he made me out to be initially or he would have contacted me. To add insult to injury he received my emails trying to find out what on earth is going on and took minimum some days, even up to a week to address my concerns....that's not good in my books. I'm currently debating bringing this relationship back to friendship so that I can sit back and have some proper me time.

 

As for my ex...he let me go for superficial, stupid reasons but really is doing everything to make up for it. He's raised a lot of points that make me think even more and oddly enough our communication has gone from poor (due to a shyness on both our parts intially) to very very good.

 

You're right that I have a lot of love to give thank you. It makes me very happy that you recognise this point. I'm also at a point in my life where I want to find one good companion to share my life with and eventually have a family with...

[keenan]

Hi there, Jlizzy. You're so welcome!

 

I think I know what you mean that feeling instantly "synchronized" with somebody (mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually) isn't necessarily enough, or even the most important thing, in the kind of long term relationship you're looking for. The magic of immediately clicking with somebody is so compelling that I think it can outshine the stuff that is less breathtaking but more lasting, and thus get more credit than it may deserve. What it sounds like you want is a relationship that nurtures and sustains you through eventually having a family and growing old. That's so much about building a good, long life with a partner who will meet you where you are, and with whom you can share the joys and shoulder the burdens. A goal, then, is to find a man with really good character--honest, kind, reliable--who is also fun to be around and who 'gets' you in a lot of ways (even if not in all ways).

 

I'm learning this myself as I go, especially now that I'm out of my twenties and on the other end of my own past primary relationship (lots of style, less substance), so maybe that's why I sort of see where you're coming from. When I first met the man I'm with now I did have a feeling that we're fundamentally similar in a lot of important ways (values, goals, similar sense of humor, good communication), but at least for me we didn't instantly 'click' on all levels--music, art, hobbies, temperament. Regardless, I've really come to appreciate his kindness, loyalty, consistency and emotional availability, and I've found that the stuff that may not have 'clicked' right away is definitely growing together over time...more of a slow organic process than a fast industrial one, I guess.

 

Regardless of all that, I hope that your boyfriend DOES end up being the person you hope he is, and not the person you fear he is. You're being so thoughtful about all of this that I think you'll figure that out one way or another in due time. Be patient and see how it plays out, but always keep your big goals in mind.

 

Oh, and one other thing just to think about: There's no way I can tell, of course, but you know all the dating books say to be very, very cautious about LDRs when you can't reach the guy at night or for long stretches at a time, simply because he might actually BE in another relationship and he's trying to be with both of you simultaneously. People can't do the simultaneous thing very well, so they end up switching back and forth between partners when one is out of town or busy with work, etc. I really, really hope that he's not doing something horrible like that, but just keep your eyes open that there ARE people out there who are very charismatic and a lot less scrupulous than you. Sorry if that sounds really scary or negative...I just don't want to see you get hurt!