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Scared of commitment, death

Daniel Jones

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Welcome to yet another commitment issue thread, I'll try and make it short for you guys, but please, I'm having a lot of trouble with this one, so any help would be appreciated.

My girlfriend (let's call her Carol) and I have been together for 4 and a half years now, we got together when we were 15. We've broken up a couple of times, but gotten back together. The first time we'd been together for I think it was about 2 years, Carol broke up with me because she wanted to explore feelings for another guy. I wasn't happy about it, but I let her go, and I started a relationship with another girl (let's call her Cindy). Things fell through between Carol and her interest, while things were going great for me and Cindy, so Carol stopped coming to school, called me periodically to scream at me and threaten suicide until I eventually broke up with Cindy and reluctantly got back with my Carol. I felt bad for Cindy, because she was great to me, and she didn't deserve what happened at all, but she was understanding and very caring towards me, which just made me feel worse and angrier at Carol.

While things were pretty tense between Carol and I for a while, we started to fall back into our old ways, and we were happy again for a while, until I saw Cindy again at a party. I got talking to Cindy and apologized for everything that happened. She forgave me, and was again, very understanding and caring, something I didn't really see in Carol at the time. Unfortunately, I got drunk and Cindy and I ended up kissing all night and just talking the best conversations I'd had in ages.

Being who I am, I had to tell Carol about these events, she was not happy, in fact, she was incredibly furious at me, which is understandable, but in her anger at me over the next couple of weeks, she made Cindy appear even more appealing, until in the end, I ended the relationship to be with Cindy, although we never actually officially got together, just hung out a lot.

At first, it was all good, aside from the periodical phone calls from an outraged Carol. However, then I started to miss Carol, and Cindy was kinda boring me, so Cindy and I stopped seeing each other. Carol then started hooking up a good friend of mine, and it made me realise I still had feelings for Carol and that I had been a fool. I was upset and angry at both my friend and Carol. I hooked up with a girl we'll call Rose at the time, and she was lovely to me also, and I actually really had feelings for her at the time, but sadly, she was interested in somebody else. After a month, Carol and I finally started talking and hanging out on good terms again, and she told me she wanted to be with my friend, and I said that was fine, whatever made her happy. Because at that stage, I did realise that everything that had transpired was my fault, and that I loved Carol, and that I did actually just want her to be happy.

Well, shortly after that, Carol wanted me back, and we got back together, moved out and lived together for about half a year before having to move back home when we ran out of money.

Now, having been with Carol for about a year and a half since getting back together, I'm feeling restless. I don't want to commit because I feel like I've never really experienced being single, or what it's like to be in a relationship with somebody else. I do love Carol still, but I'm not sure if it's still a romantic love. I feel like if I married her now, then I'll always be resentful, and always wonder what I missed out on. To compound matters, Rose has started coming back into my life in a big way, although I haven't been unfaithful to Carol at all. I've also been struggling with a fear of death for the past maybe 8 months, which just makes me even less willing to commit. I told Carol about my feelings, as we communicate everything to each other, and we eventually came to the conclusion that a break may be a good idea, and that I need some time to sort out my head and heart, although I promised her I wouldn't be with anybody else on the break, although she can be, and that I simply need to figure some things out. Things were going well, but today Carol called and said she cannot handle "being dangled over the edge of a cliff" like this, saying that she cannot endure not knowing whether I'm going to be with her or not, and gave me an ultimatum, saying not to contact her in anyway until I can say whether I'm ready to commit, or if I want to break it off properly, and that she hopes that she'll still want me by the time I decide I want her back. I worry that if I make the commitment, I may always feel this way, and I won't be happy or I'll have to put Carol through this again, but on the other hand, I could be losing a girl who really is quite great.


And that's where I'm at now. Sorry for the long story, I actually left out a lot believe it or not, but I included everything I felt was necessary.

If anybody can give me some advice, opinions, or just anything to help me make this huge decision, I'd appreciate it greatly.


Thanks for your time guys,



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So you got together when you were 15 and you've been together 4 1/2 years... that makes you 19 or 20... And you are already having a huge fear of death with a girlfriend you have broken up with multiple times, giving you an ultimatum on commiting to her permanently?


I'm feeling restless. I don't want to commit because I feel like I've never really experienced being single, or what it's like to be in a relationship with somebody else. I do love Carol still, but I'm not sure if it's still a romantic love. I feel like if I married her now, then I'll always be resentful, and always wonder what I missed out on.


I think the answer to your question is right here honestly.


It is ok to love her and cherish her, as you two have spent a lot of time together and no doubt she means a lot to you. But being so young and having the doubts like you do.... your gut is telling you something. This is not the way to enter into a marriage. Marriage is a very serious commitment, and it does not make problems disappear. You don't put that ring on and suddenly feel better about all the doubts you have. Instead, you go deeper into debt and have bigger headaches if you wish then to get out and try to be single again.


And I will not advise you to just break things off with Carol either, but it sounds like maybe you two need to sit down and have a real heart to heart talk. If she is thinking and pressuring for marriage and commitment... and you are thinking that maybe she isn't the one and you still wonder about being single and having time to get to know yourself, she deserves to know this.


This also doesn't mean that the two of you couldn't grow and mature in time, but why rush something so huge? Love is patient, and you are young.

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Anyway reading this whole story it is obvious, the problem is YOU.


You are giving yourself in to bad circumstances each and everytime you bow,say yes and Amen against those situations that bring you misery.


My dear man, when it comes to negativity and bad circumstances you have to say: I DONT WANT THAT IN MY LIFE! , you shouldn't allow bad circumstances to rule your life, you need to exersise power over them by choosing NOT TO DO IT! Don't give in to the pressure, you know the bad outcome of the situations, you shouldn't commit,submit nor admit to them.


You are sorta like water that constantly flows into a different situation, but instead of looking how the grass is green at your neighbours place, you are better off wasting your time on making your own grass green. You went back to Carol for all the wrong reasons, or in other words, you clearly don't know what you 'want' in your life' , you should stay more firm in the decisions you make, and push the elements that you don't like in your life out of it. But lets be realistic , everything in life has its price, if you'd go with another woman you also have 'this and that' remarks about her, guess what, its because no one is perfect, you need to start to learn to appreciate what there is in life. Instead of looking at what you don't have in life, look back at your life and look at what you 'DO' have for a change. Have a good thought about it, give it 3 weeks and decide on wether you really want to stay with Carol, if you really feel she's not the one, you should bail out. But if there comes a next time , assure yourself that this is what you want, and be carefull about your moves, there's hearts at stake here you know.


He who is afraid of death, might as wel be afraid of their own shadow.


Besides there's life after death, don't worry.

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Thanks a lot for the advice, and yes, I'm 20. I haven't fully broken things off with Carol, we were talking about our problems and such, I told her everything about how I felt, and how I wanted to continue to try and make it work, and that the problem was with me and I simply needed a little time to sort myself out.


She gave me a bit of space and it was all going well until she told me that she didn't want me to talk to her until I'd made a decision, so now I can't sit down and tell her how I feel about things anymore, because she doesn't want to hear it unless it's a final answer. I do believe that openly communicating anything that's of importance to the relationship to each other is important, and have endeavored to do so throughout this relationship. I however do have a tendency to agree with you, we are both very young, and there's no need for a commitment of this caliber yet, sadly Carol doesn't see it that way, and so if I do leave her to stand on my own two feet for a while, chances are I won't be able to get her back, which makes this a pretty scary decision for me. Thanks for the advice again.


Xetra Dax:


I agree, the problem is me, everything you describe about me is true, I like my life to change frequently because I like to experience as many aspects of it as possible, one of the reasons I'm fearful of dying is because I feel that I won't have enough time to experience everything and learn everything I want to experience.

With the giving into bad circumstances, I'm not sure what you're talking about exactly, but if it's cheating, I've only cheated once, and I haven't again since we got back together. Good advice on the giving it three weeks and then deciding, and sticking to my decision when I do decide, great advice, I'm planning on giving it at least that amount of time, maybe more if I feel I need it to see if I can sort myself out.


Thanks for reading the long and boring story guys, and thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm truly grateful.

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