Will i ever move on?

[undercover007]

I've posted several times about my relationship with my now ex bf on these forums.. but ill give you a brief background. He was prince charming from the beginning.. almost too good to be true. Kind, loving, caring, charming, attractive, honest.. everything i ever wanted in a man. First 3 months were perfect.. but then i saw another side of him. He was possesive, controlling.. i should took these warning signs but i was blinded by love. The first 1 month he had already told me he loved me.. and i thought i did too.. maybe it was just infatuation. He would call me his future wife.. talk about getting married.. living together. But then he would get mad if i couldnt see him since i had work and school.. so i quit my job at the time to be able to spend more time with him. Then he started having trust issues.. and actually hacked into my online journal and read every entry about my past.. then broke up with me cause he didnt like how i had been with a bunch of other men before. Said he didnt want to be with a girl like me.. but we ended up getting back together. That was the first of our many breakups. In fact through out the whole relationship, he has broken up with me so many times that i cant even count nemore. And if things didnt go his way, he'd threaten to break up with me. He'd get mad if i wanted to go clubbing.. he got mad one time when i told him was at starbucks with my girl friend.. and he thought i was lying and that i was out with a guy.. and he broke up with me over that. Then i couldnt hang out with certain friends cause he thought they were too sl*tty. I pretty much put him his needs and wants first. I did EVERYTHING for him.. maybe that was my mistake.. but im sure if i didnt, he'd be mad.

 

He became very verbally abusive. He's very selfish.. i now realize that he has almost all the traits of a narcissists. Not only was he selfish, but he was controlling.. and then later when i wanted to see him more.. he would call me too needy and then sometimes would break up with me for being too needy. He would also give me silent treatment for days sometimes weeks if he was mad or if we were broken up. He never wanted to talk about the issue. It drove me nuts when he did this to me.. it was like torture having him ignore me. I almost rather him hit me or something.

 

We had numerous breakups..of course me stupidily begging him back each time. Only few times did he come back to me on his own. We had one major break up last yr around the same time.. it lasted for a month which was the longest breakup for us. It was really ugly and he threatened to call the cops.. but instead called my mom and told her that if i didnt stop calling, he'd call the cops and get a restraining order on me cause i kept calling him. I was devastated.. and he told me that i had no chance with him.. and that he would never be with me. That break up was devastating and i could not eat, sleep, or function. I almost wanted to drop out of my classes cause i couldnt do nething. I tried to finally move on, and deleted all the pics of him on myspace, removed all the things he gave me and nething that reminded me of him, and told myself i needed to move on with my life. Then a week later, he called me and acted like nothing happened.. and i asked what he wanted and he said that he wanted to see how i was doing. Then of course, we got back together and i really thought things would be different.

 

But here i am again.. hes broken up with me AGAIN. But this one ended really ugly. It started as a small fight cause i caught him in a small lie. He turned it around and said that he wouldnt have to lie to me if i had given him space. I was so angry and upset that I said "I f***ing HATE YOU!" but through text msgs cause he wouldnt answer my calls. I would never dare say something like that to him cause i know how he is but i had so much anger built up from before that i couldnt hold it in. But we eventually talked it out and i decided to give him space. Then i caught him in another lie.. a small one but still a lie and I just blew up. I couldnt control myself.. normally i never talk back to him.. but i just accused him of being the biggest liar and that everything that comes out of his mouth is lie. I called him a cheater (although he didnt cheat) cause i was so angry. I said he was a cheater just like his dad. In fact, i think the reason my ex is even like this is because his dad is really messed up. And i also think he abused him when he was younger. Anyways, i said all the these things that were in my head and i couldnt stop for some reason. i was just so mad. Then he said i was crazy and didnt want to be with a crazy person like me. He turned everything around on me and made it to be my fault like always. yes i was wrong for lashing out on him, but i had so much built up anger from the past that it just all came out. So he broke up with me for that.. and said i accused him of things that i wasnt and that he cant be wtih me. I felt horrible afterwards and felt like maybe i was crazy.. and maybe it was all my fault. But he has said so many hurtful words to me but that didnt stop me from loving him.

 

Its been almost a month now..and i never thought id be going thru this again with him. He threatened to call the cops on me again for calling. And now that he has a career (which i helped him get).. he tells me that if i show up at the restaurant he works at, he will have me prosecuted. I stupidly confessed by love for him and cried and begged.. i did everything u name it. Only to have him tell me that no it was the last straw (ive heard this many times before).. and that i shouldnt have accused him of being a liar and a cheater. I kept appologizing and told him i never meant it.. but no matter what i did, he didnt believe me.

 

I'm crushed. I cant even describe the pain im in. I feel like dying. My mom saw me crying and she always told me that she knew he wasnt a good guy and that he was a selfish person. And all she ever sees is me crying and that i need to move on.

 

I dont know how to move on.. weve been together 3 yrs. He was my first love.. my first everything. How can he just throw 3 years away? So many broken promises. Now that he has his career, hes too busy even to bother with me. Im the one that helped him get this job and this is how he treats me in return. I dont get men like these. How do i really move on? I feel like i cant. even though we're broken up, i still feel like hes still controlling my life.. i feel like hes haunting me and just smiling because hes got me where he wanted. Now all my self-esteem is gone.. and he knows how miserable i am but does he care.. no. He told me that he doesnt love me nemore.. but that he cares about me. If he cared about me.. he wouldnt hurt me like this.. or say hurtful words like this to me. Help me please.. i just want to be over with him. everything around me reminds me of him its so hard

[h0pelessr0mantic]

AHHHHHH your ex has sooo many traits that my boyfriend has!!!! My boyfriend also professed his love before even a month passed by, he was and is my first love (we have been together for 3 and a half years!), he also was extremely sweet at first and then morphed into this overly possesive person (nicknamed my "parole officer" by my friends), also made me stop hanging out with certain people and breaks up with me if i don't answer my phone or if i go somewhere and he doesn't want me to (i'm also not allowed out past 10pm), he also has a deadbeat dad (he doesn't even see his dad on his birthday anymore), I've also helped him in terms of his career (i basically did an entire course for him because it was over the internet and so there was no way to check who did it), we also break up all the time (he usually breaks up with me) and i usually am the one who calls him back begging for forgivness and calling and calling.

I know EXACTLY how you feel right now because I myself have been in your shoes. Let me tell you this, you had EVERY RIGHT TO BLOW UP. He lied, you caught him, you reacted. I wouldn't be surprised if he is doing something he shouldn't be doing behind your back. Why else would he be so defensive? why else would he ask for "space"? think about it this way...if he had caught you in a lie how would his reaction differ? I'm guessing if he caught you in a lie that he would have broken up with you and ignored you until you completely broke down and begged him for forgivness (forgivness which always comes with a price...i'm guessing he forgives you but then your not allowed to go certain places for a month or something like that?). You would accept his terms but at the same time feel angry because you are so helpless to obey his rules in this relationship. Do you feel constrained and like you are missing out on parts of your life because of him? These are all things that you shouldn't be feeling in a healthy relationship.

Let me tell you about him (you ex). He is a manipulative self centered pig. He spent the first few months luring you in, treating you like a princess, building up your hopes and dreams. Then when he finally realizes that he has you (and that you won't leave him), he plays the one card that he knows will always works....he threatens to leave you if you don't do what he wants. his tactic is that he hangs up on you, turns off his phone, and just completely ignores you. and sure enough, it works! you try to call him, he hangs up...a wave of panic washes over you. you call again, same response...more panic. you keep calling...his phone is shut off...all of a sudden it feels like your drowning from the inside out, everything goes numb, you feel cold, panic striken, heart is racing, maybe even involuntary shaking....and all that you can focus on is getting him back. all you want is for things to be back to "normal" and for your guys to be together again, and you are willing to do whatever it takes as long as he just hears you out. I know this feeling all too well and am ashamed to say that i am still not able to let go of him. You need to realize that this is a manipulative tactic that he is using. He is slowly wittling away your self worth because the more he does this, the more you will sacrifice your own happiness for his. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. I want you to think hard about the relationship. I know right now all you can focus on are the good traits that he had. The sweet things he would say, the way he would hug you, the sweet gifts he got you...DON'T FALL INTO THIS TRAP!!!! Men like him are just that....they are sweet talkers. He is all say and no do. He builds up all these wonderful ideas in your head, but i'm sure he never really acts on most of them. You do have the strength to get through this!!! think back to how you felt in the relationship, would you want someone close to you...your mother, your friend, your sister, dating someone like your ex? if not, then why would you wish something so horrible on yourself. You will find someone better who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Be happy that you are no longer being controlled by him. Just take it day by day. Throw out everything that reminds you of him and MOST IMPORTANTLY ditch the idea that he will change and that you guys will someday get back together and live happily ever after. As long as you cling on to any hope of getting back together, you will never truly be over him. Get everyone in your life to write a page about why you two should not be together. Read them all and keep them as reminders. If necessary, go to counselling. I know that you are feeling really really horrible right now. I know that it is hard to eat, your constantly tired, but you can't go to sleep. The tears will stop! the memories will fade! but you need to go NC with this guy. The more you talk to him the more you will want to be with him. His voice most likely triggers alot of emotions. Disconnect your phone if necessary or take a vacation. Just know that you are much better off without him!!!! msg me if you need to talk!!!!

[h0pelessr0mantic]

Also, I know you are also feeling very angry and frustrated right now because a part of you wants him to realize what he is doing is wrong. A part of you wants to get on the phone and just scream at him for being such an A**hole and to make him realize how truly heartless he is for putting you through such hell. You need to let go of that, trust me. There is absolutely no way you can make him truly realize the cruelty of his actions and any attempts will be futile. You need to focus on you and you alone right now.

[undercover007]

Wow, hopeless romantic.. sounds like im reading my own words! Yeah ive read so much stuff on verbal abuse and narcissists.. and i just dont get how they dont have any emotion or empathy. My ex is like the cruelest man i know.. he can say the most horrible things and sometimes he may not mean it but he'll say it cause hes so angry.

 

I feel like im going crazy. Literally. I dont know what do with myself. I feel so alone.. so empty.. and hopeless. All my dreams are shattered. He told me wanted us to move in together.. to have a future.. thats all gone.

 

Do you think he will come back into my life again? Last time i tried to move on and i mean i really tried to move on.. he started calling me again.. even after he told me that he would never talk to me or be back with me again. I'm so emotionally drained.

 

He is still stuck on the fact that i called him a liar and a cheater.. but he has called me those same things and worse. So why is it ok for him to say those things and not me? He has no respect either. If i did any of the things he did to me, all hell would break loose.

 

My head hurts from crying so much.. i feel like i cant move on. I tried to do no contact but i keep breaking it. its so hard.. i miss him.. all i think about is the good times we had together. How he could be so loving and the way he would make laugh. I feel like i lost a loved one.. like someone just died. Its so painful. I really feel like i will never be able to move on and that he will be the only man ill ever love this much.

 

Thank u so much for ur encouragement and advice hun.

[kuhl282000]

This is from an old friend of mine in here from many years ago I kept when I first had the same exact problem as the both of you .....I'm talking you wrote my post.

 

Wow... you already know you've been through a lot of crap. I don't suppose it'll be any surprise to hear she wasn't physically abusive - but inadvertently emotionally abusive, since you got to ride the rollercoaster of her problems with her mood swings and other problems for so long.

 

Coming out of an abuse situation myself - it's one of those odd things that it seems a couple things happen. One being if you're a "caretaking" personality, you end up feeling partly responsible for THEIR problems - like what and who you were wasn't enough to help them overcome their problems. Unfortunately, it skips the logical step that if they don't want help and acknowledge they HAVE a problem, a saint couldn't make much of a difference. And she sounds very much like my ex in that, until she wakes up one day and realizes her behavior is more than just her "personality quirks" and she has serious problems than need major work and maybe even professional help - she's only going to see what other people do to set her off, and what they're NOT doing to make things better for her.

 

The second part of the problem is, if you're like me, you see as much potential of what the person COULD be like without their issues - and probably made some sort of "take the bad with the good" deal with yourself at some point, because it's that potential you see and hope will eventually be realized. You end up loving that, and the piece of her that showed that part so clearly, and it's so much harder to let go of the dream than the reality.

 

There's another point almost nobody addresses, that probably applies here. The up and down rollercoaster of emotions is intense, and to a great extent, addictive. There's nothing to point out how GOOD you feel when things are going great as when it comes from a horrendous low point - the contrast, the mood change, is almost a natural high of sorts, and it's as addictive as a drug. When there's REALLY good times and REALLY bad times, the down is like with a drug, it's the "withdrawal" feel to an extent, and the "high" of when it turns around is just THAT much more effective to draw you in, because it's such a significant difference. I've been there, with my first ex (from HS) and looking back - he treated me like crap but you know... when he was nice to me, I felt like I was on top of the world. Even though now in retrospect the "nice" times weren't any more than what I'd expect from anyone - at the time they seemed absolutely extraordinary and perfect. And I felt like I would have died for him, and was SURE eventually he'd see the problems he had and would come around, and things would always been that good.

 

I hope some of this is making sense to you!

 

For me, some of it took time - and some of it was recognizing the more insidious control, actually writing down the less obvious things, and really SEEING just how much of the time I was on that high, and how often I was either on the downslope or just miserable. Amazingly - I think I was actually HAPPY like, maybe 10-25% of the time - and the rest of the time I was mentally tying myself in knots trying to think of ways to "fix" things, or felt miserable and inadequate.

 

Anyways... let me know if any of this makes sense to you and we'll see what sense we can make of it for you, ok?

[kuhl282000]

Ladies ...... Ladies ....... How did you know what I was feeling in my heart and in my head and was not able to put it into words. I cried when I read both of your posts.

 

Both of you actually wrote the post for me that I was unable to write ........and let me tell you these past few months have been a living hell on earth for me because of a person just like this ......and yes she was a lady, a really great looking classy lady.

She was the love of my life, the sun rises and sets with this person ......I actually loved her more then I have ever loved anything on the face of this planet.

 

She was the one .....she was my soulmate ....we had it all together ......big house ....nice car.......new furniture ......ate great food .....on line business ....

She made great money .......nice clothes .......dressed to the nines .....the sex was fantastic ........

 

And two months ago .....I packed my bags and left while she was at a conference ...WHY? Because after she threatened to break up with me 10 times .......10 freegin times .......was I nuts ........she was the one always threatening ........I never wanted to break up .......not ever .......I was in it for the long-haul .....we were going all the way.......I adored this woman ......SO WHY?

 

I'll be using your quotes not mine ...

 

And if things didnt go his way, he'd threaten to break up with me

 

but we ended up getting back together. That was the first of our many breakups

 

Then i couldnt hang out with certain friends

 

He turned everything around on me and made it to be my fault like always

 

I couldnt control myself.. normally i never talk back to him

 

possesive, controlling

 

i was just so mad. Then he said i was crazy

 

i kept calling him. I was devastated.. and he told me that i had no chance with him

 

he would call me too needy and then sometimes would break up with me for being too needy

 

He would also give me silent treatment for days sometimes weeks

 

it was like torture having him ignore me.

 

if i don't answer my phone or if i go somewhere and he doesn't want me to

 

the idea that he will change and that you guys will someday get back together and live happily ever after

 

WHY? THE ANSWER ......it's because we would die for these people we love so much.

And for whatever reason we really did not do anything wrong and we got treated like dirt ........Does it hurt, I felt your pain I'm there as I write this ......all time runs together right now with out her in my life ........we have had no contact other then a ranting call when she found out I left .....a few short emails in the first week and nothing since .......if you PM me I'll send you the last email I received .....and you can see in the email how its going to go ...nice then everything gets switched onto you ........we are always the bad guys .......so in the end I actually became the bad guy ......who was actually the good guy (thats how screwed up it got)

 

In the end ...I tried to save her even if it was from herself ...problem was she did not want to be saved .....she needed a scape goat .....people like this hardly ever say they are sorry ....

 

They are always picking fights .....and when two people are in the relationship and one is not fighting its pretty easy to figure out who is fighting ....

 

I read a book about people who are angry and controlling

Its caled "Be Angry But Don't Blow it" Author Lisa Bevere ........if you get it you'll find a lot of answers in there that will help you understand people like this ........

 

We are not perfect by no means .....we make mistakes. But these types make a relationship very complicated .......love is simple ......it respects ......you want to read about love and I'm not a preacher but the bible decribes love exactly

1 Cor 13 .....thats what love is suppose to be.

 

Not some circus act where you have to jump through hoops to get someone to say a few kind words with love and compassion .....

 

And the final reason we want them is because .......we really did love these people and they did not accept us for who we were .....us

 

And who should we be? We should always be ourselves .........

 

I had to leave it was the hardest thing I ever did and the worst day of my life. And in some sort of sick way I still can't stop thinking about her .......and another poart of me is scared to talk to this person anymore ........I could not take the hurtful words anymore .....nor did I felt I needed the rejection .....hell the pain and confusion was torture enough .....mine will be missed just as she was loved greatly .....

 

I had mine for 5 years ....and I walked away from everything all my hopes and dreams shattered and almost became homeless in the process ......it took me down that low and still I left ......And I left it all behind because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do ....I had to do it for her and for me. And in the end it was all turned around and warped and distorted ......so I just had to let it all go. She has moved on, and I'm sure has guys lined around the block ....I wantyed her to have that option even if it almost killed me in my heart .....

 

It was her way or the highway .....I took the highway ......I of course wanted her to miss me so much and to tell me she could not live without me ......and I think she does.....I know she does.....but will she ever say it ......NO .....will she ever give in ...NO .......WHY Becasue thats the way people like that are ........you cross them and watch out.......and I have found out angry people move on .....they really do.

 

In the end it was total destruction of two hearts and a lot of love that could have been solved with just a few kind words .....the words never came...and I went.

 

God Bless all of us broken hearted .......

[shell024]

wow,

I read that thinking when did you go out with my ex!!! hun, i know exactly what you are going through. I am just four months broken up with my ex for the millonth time. but i know in my heart that its for the best. i'm still quite down over it and am nowhere near over him.

Like you he professed his love early on( 2 weeks) spoke of marriage kids everything. was controlling jealous, insecure, posessive and i gave him no reason to be this way with me. The week before we broke up he told me he was gonna marry me.

We DO NOT need to be with such unstable people who mess with our hearts like its nothing. Trust me you WILL be ok and your not alone here.

[kuhl282000]

I hope we will all be ok ......

And I really mean that ......

[h0pelessr0mantic]

I know exactly how it can be, with the whole idea of double standards. I bet that in his moments of rage he has called you far crueler words, have pushed far more buttons and has even made you cry. What does he have to do afterwords? he blames it on you, by saying that he wouldn't have said such hurtful things if you didn't make him so angry but that he didn't mean them. do you see the problem in this??? HE STILL BLAMES YOU. It is absolutely ridiculous that he can say such cruel things to you, and then when you say something back (and althought what you said may have been hurtful, you had a reason to be mad and you were able to step up and apologize for those words). If he cannot accept your apology then he obviously has no idea how to compromise on any level. Tell me this, do you seriously want a man like this to raise your kids with??? Can you really see yourself living such a constrained life,where your every move is scrutinized yet he is completely untouchable and (according to him) never does any wrong???? i KNOW deep down inside that you KNOW you deserve better. The only problem is there are SOME good traits that he has. I'm sure he has his moments, his quirks, and you are AFRAID that you will never find someone who does certain things that he does. YOU WILL.you will find someone who will love you and most improtantly RESPECT you. I know its hard to let go of 3 years of your life, i know that you've grown attatched and comfotable with him, but you have love yourself enough to leave this abusive relationship. I have read many of your previous threads and it is clearly evident that you have been unhappy for quit some time. But you keep going back because everytime you get back together, you feel this HUGE rush of relief and its like you can finally breathe again. Its EASY to go back. But i'm guessing soon afterwards you regret getting back together. As easy as it seems to get back together, is it really worth and entire lifetime of misery??? think about this....you guys get married, have kids, then you say one thing thats out of line and what happens next?? divorce??? This man will only end up breaking your heart over and over again. What you are feeling, this pain, is completely normal. You need to realize that although you may still love him, that he is NOT the one for you. sometimes the things we love most will only end up destroying us. Just keep yourself busy. Join a gym, take on a hobby, do something that involves meeting people and being in social settings. I PROMISE you, one day you will wake up and realize that the pain is no longer as intense as it was before. You will wake up and realize that your feelings are changing...but this can only happen if you have NO CONTACT WITH HIM!!! even if he e-mails you, or calls you, DELETE IT ALLL!!! don't even bother reading the e-mails, don't listen to the voice messages, delete the texts. You can get through this and when the blindfold that is love is removed, you will be able to see your relationship in true light. You will realize that he was absolutely no good for you and treated you like he owned you. You will realize that breaking up with him, although painful, has made you a much stronger, more assured and happier person!!!! Take it day by day, but don't give in!!!! If you feel like calling him, write a post, call a friend, go out for a jog!!!!

[Nearwater]

I took a 6 hour class yesterday on" letting go" with a woman named Rokelle Learner.

Do a web search and see if she is teaching a class in your area. I was very lucky to find it and I do feel better after MONTHS of being stuck in old feelings and being hurt in a similar situation.