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I am at the end of the rope...


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I need a lot of advice...It has been six months since my ex and I broke up...long story short, he was married to a girl who didn't treat him well (hit him and told him he was worthless and stuff) has been divorced for three years and has no contact or sight of her whatsoever. During this three years he went out with a girl that he was set up with but didn't see a future with her nor really liked her from what I gather (he would never call her and stuff like that) however at the end of there relationship he noticed me and for the next eight months or so he said nothing to me much. Then one day he asked for my number and you couldnt get us away from each other. We went out often, attended church services attached to each other and spoke on the phone for hours. We had even discussed getting married one day and were really serious about it. Thing is we broke up and it was really unexpected and everyone including me is left wondering why. I can't think of a single reason that we are not together except that maybe he is scared because of what he went through in his marriage.

 

We talked about his past a lot and I don't feel like discussing it so much has anything to do with why we are not together, I let him know I supported and loved him despite anything bad from the past. After all we could talk about anything to each other.

 

He wrote me notes that said he loved me and he didn't want to be with any other girl and told me when we broke up that he wouldn't find anyone that loved him as much as I did. And often times he asked me why he desired me so much. So I know he loved me. Thing is I want to know why guys do this. He seemed so ready to move forward and be happy again.

 

This guy is not like most guys I don't think that play girls. It took him months to ask me out. He is really quite too but that may have to do with the fact that he takes an anti-depressant. However, when he was with me he was always smiling and happy and felt really good. And now when I see him he looks miserable.

 

Also we attend church together and he hardly speaks to me. I don't understand after how we were so close to each other that he could be distant now unless he still really cares about me and by some of the few things he has said to me I can tell that he does. I do catch him looking at me some and this sunday I found out that him and his cousin were talking about me and I asked the cousin and he said he didnt say anything bad about me so why do I feel like he hates me?

 

Does anyone think he is scared and maybe he will come back when he gets his head straight? I really don't feel like giving up on him cause I think there is something there. However since I have to see him every church service and I can't follow the no contact thing I have really been kinda ignoring him. I don't understand why he can't at least talk to me like friends I mean nothing bad happened between us so he must still like me or having feelings if he can't at least talk to me....does anyone have an opinion out there that may help me...I don't think I should still be feeling this strongly after six months apart but maybe I should.....

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I just don't understand when a guy professes to love someone so much and then totally back up. There were times when I think he was wanting out cause he would make comments about ending it or taking a break cause we were going extremely fast but all I felt was that he was insecure or scared and afraid of repeating mistakes from the past.

 

I know that he knew I would never leave him but I think he didn't trust that. I mean I don't think he lied to me about how he felt about me or things he told me about the past. He did tell me that he doesn't think he should of married that girl and said at one time something about not wanting to marry her in the first place. I just think he has mental issues too sometimes or the thinks to much about stuff. His family used to say hey to me at church but here lately have said nothing. His sister in law still talks to me and tells me she loves me and his brother says hey from time to time but the rest of them (mom and dad) really haven't said anything except just to look at me. His mom had told me when we broke up that they would always love me even if we never got back together and they were even for him marrying me so I know they accepted me ....so what is there problem now? Do you think they are staying out of it hoping that he does get his head straight and go back to me, I mean I do think they like me and they are the type of people who would be glad that he found someone already in their particular church to marry......

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I am happy for the most part a lot of times now than I was before. I am really happy when I get to see him and then I am a little let down when I have to go home and not see him or hear him anymore like I used too. He used to tell me that he could not stand seeing me and then having to leave me...well it dont seem to bother him now unless he is just hiding how he feels. Some people in church have commented and said that he looked so happy and in love with me and now he doesnt look happy....so maybe I should stop thinking that he is happy without me... No one else has come along in my life that is interested in me and I guess I still think that that is the reason I should be waiting on him (besides the fact that I really love him with all my heart and think that he is the one) however I do keep my eyes open in case he is not meant to be and someone else is. In other words I feel like if he is not the one then God would be sending someone else. I just don't know and there is a lot of questions I want answered and really the only one to answer them is him or God....thanks for your input though I still appreciate anyone's....

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Greetings. I sympathize with you... isn't it sad when you love someone so much and you know they love you too but they won't let you into their life..... I have experienced this with a few guys too, in my past. Of course I don't know why your guy is doing it, but it seems to be common for some guys to go totally head over heels for a woman and then just totally back off. I can tell you why I think the guys that I was involved with did that, but of course I don't know your guy. One guy I dated bought me everything under the sun, told all his guy friends he loved me so much, we spent every minute we could together, and I could have got him to do anything for me, and I was totally crazy about him, and I treated him like a king. Then one night we had a misunderstanding about where we were supposed to meet and he totally backed off after that. It was like he was afraid of caring so much. He said that he had to leave for another state with his work and wouldn't be back for about a year, so he wanted to break up. Come to find out, his ex had found out about me and how much he loved me, and was coming onto him again and he was confused, even though she totally treated him like crap for 7 years prior, cheating on him and everything. He pretty much dumped me for her, then when that didn't work out, came back to me, but he couldn't commit and I'm too old for games so it ended. So basically for him, he was holding out for his ex and had never got over her. Maybe your guy isn't over his ex?......., even though she treated him like crap, it's not easy to get over anybody you were married to or lived with for awhile..... I know it should be easy but it's not. The other situation I was in, the guy was an ex-Marine and he just had never been in love, and I think he was genuinely scared, I was a few years older than him and he explained that he thought I was so wonderful but his mom was dying at the time and it was just bad timing for us. (He wasn't lying, it's a small town and I found out it was true.) So maybe it's just bad timing for him right now?..... I know it is hard to understand, but sometimes people cannot commit when they have too many issues in their head, occupying their thoughts. My best guess here is that he is scared of being hurt again. My husband and I had a lot of problems in the beginning because he was 31 and had never been in love until he met me....he claimed that he really hated the fact that he felt I had that control over him and his happiness, and he already had control issues, thereforeeee, it was very difficult for me to understand why he always felt the need to be in charge of everything, when in fact he was trying to make me happy because he was scared to death that I would leave him. ..... I don't know if any of this helps but just try to appear happy around him, that's the best thing you can do, you've already let him know that you love him and care for him, he knows that, and when he comes out of his depression, you'll most likely be the first one he calls on because he will recall all the good times you had. Misery loves company and he may just need some help getting over his depression, he most likely didn't want to bring you down with him. Good luck....

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Thanks, that is awesome advice and it helps to know what your situations were too because I can relate to them. We broke up after a misunderstaning also. I had been sick with strep and didn't want to go to his house for dinner cause his little brother was going through chemo and I was afraid I would get him sick. So I took my ex home after church and I was going to stay but I just got mad cause I didn't know what I really should do and I left and didnt call him before church that night and then I was mad cause he didnt call me so I sat a couple of rows behind him. I called him when I got home and he was mad. I dont remember anything he said except that when I asked him if he loved him he replied with, what kinda question is that. After a week of not talking he dumped me and said if we start out like this it will always be like this (something I think from his past). The misunderstanding was nothing and I aploigized to his mom for not staying and she even said that I didnt have anyone to apoligized to, so I take it she was on my side in the whole thing and knew it had to do with him and wasn't my fault. It still doesn't make sense though...

 

I do think he has the issues and he is backing off cause he is afraid of bringing me down because he had made a comment like that before. I guess it reassures me that he does love me and that there is nothing wrong with me, he just needs time to work out his issuses. And I agree too that maybe the timing is wrong or maybe he fell to hard. He knows there is nothing I wouldn't do for him and that I love him so much and maybe that scares him cause he don't want to hurt me or something...thanks again...

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Yeah I think sometimes they get scared when there are misunderstandings and stuff. The guy that did that to me realized he screwed up and lost a great woman, he tried to get me back, even got into a fight with my now-husband (wasn't at the time) ... they were fighting over who loved me more..... try to move on, date around if you feel up to it but be honest with them that you're not ready for anything serious, and he may just freak enough to come back after you..... usually that jolts them into the reality that you are well deserving of someone who will treat them right and they scramble to appear to be the best suitor..... good luck!

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Hi-Is replying how to post? Anyway, I can so sympathize with what all of you are going through, letting go is the hardest thing I have "tried" to do, and it still plauges me. My ex and I had a reletively bad relationship from the start, different politics and values (which can sometimes the same)--which meant everything I said was met with disapproval--the constant withdrawal 'silent treatment' anytime I said anything my ex did not like (which he know tortured me). To the extreme later in the marriage, I used to take my daughter to motel rooms for a night because the fear of total silence and not a chance it would change just terrified me. Like a pathetic love-void. He was/is the strong smooth silent type, I am the extrovert. We took the Myers-Briggs (and yes, I had to push for any counseling because anything new was not a good thing for him), and his introversion score was 2 points below a Tibetan Monk--which was the highest. But 6 years later, I am not over this relationship--it ended badly with his mother giving me death threats (he was a mama's boy)--because whenever we had a problem he called her. After the separation he hid (no address no phone)-from my daughter and me--I think the desertion was the thing that killed me--no closure--and I could not believe he could just leave his former step-child cold turkey (but he has and did, and has still never contacted her which hurt her--never even said goodbye)--so there are 2 of us. And I have not been able to answer her questions. STILL--I constantly shoulda, woulda, coulda, call and leave messages on his answering machine a couple times a year--and frankly--I don't understand my behavior. I wanted out of the relationship (and in too)--because I was just emotionally dying, but I never have gotten over those first few "perfect months." I feel a little crazy!

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thanks for the advice..do you think that there is hope even after it has been six months??? I have been talking to my ex's cousin at church a couple of times lately and he has seen me. All we talk about is my ex though. Funny thing is I went out with my ex's cousin before we got together but it didn't work out with us. I mean my ex is so polite that he asked his cousin if it was ok if he asked me out (which he done like many many many months later).

 

I found the cousin after church and asked him what my ex said but he wouldn't tell me. I told him my ex hated me and he said he didn't and said that he didn't say anything bad about me but when I asked him if he said anything about ever being with me again he said they didn't get that far. I just don't understand. I should of asked who started the conversation cause it would be hard to believe that my ex started talking about me. I thought he was mad last Sunday when he saw me talking to his cousin but maybe he wasn't. The cousin I think still likes me so it looks like if my ex talked bad about me or if there wasn't any hope then he would of said it....any thoughts??

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