Closure

[Marton04]

Hi all,

 

I need advice. It's been 2 weeks since the breakup and I've had NC all this time. My mind races a million miles an hour with all these thoughts and emotions and it's all too much. So I was thinking of breaking NC to get closure. I feel like I need to talk to him to make him realize that he can't go playing around with people's hearts and emotions like he did. One minute everything was fine and the next minute, he cut me out of his life like that. Beside the crying and pleading initially, i've maintained NC all this time and I feel like I need to speak to him one on one as adults so that I can get closure and move on. I feel as if I am in limbo at the moment and want some peace.

 

What do you think?

[jenna981]

I'm not sure how yours ended, but I wouldn't do it based on my experience. He might think he did nothing wrong or can just say he is sorry his feelings simply changed. Most people don't learn from their actions of hurting others till it happens to them. For us that have been hurt, we will probably be careful not to hurt someone else like this because we know what it feels like.

 

It'll just hurt yourself more. There is no real closure in these things, just something you have to think about less and less.

[BrokenJoy]

Hey Marton04,

Good job for maintaining NC for 2 weeks. I went NC for 1 month post break-up and I felt like I needed closure as well. At first, he didn't want to see me at all because I would remind him of his guilt and what he did [he cheated]. But then I realized that I still needed some closure and after a few more conversations, he met up with me. I don't know if I regret seeing him or not, but it's been almost 2 weeks of NC after this meeting and I'm getting better, slowly but surely. I don't think meeting up/contacting him to yell or vent at him will make you feel better. Initially that's what I wanted to do when I saw him. I wrote a long letter telling him how I felt and what he put me through [venting part], but then I ended the letter by saying that we could probably be friends, but not for a very long time. I told him not to contact me anymore because I need to heal. In the end, I wanted to end contact with 'no hard feelings', I've forgiven him for what has happened but I'm still getting over the breakup. I don't know the full details of your break up, but if you need the closure, do what you got to do. I think you should thoroughly think this through, on what you're going to do to get the closure you need. Only you can figure out what you need to do. Best of luck. Feel free to PM me anytime =]

[jammer180]

I did this... two weeks after the break up, becuase he said i will tell you if I miss you and I'm not sure if this is the right decision.. he then avoided me for 2 weeks and everyday I got more and more angry. So I confronted him on msn, and I was angry, and I forced an answer out of him telling him it was mean to keep someone holding on... and he told me he realized that we should not be together and that he's sorry that's just how he feels and he'd wanted to tell me but didn't know how.... the conversation was horrible becuase I was mad that I had to pull that out of him and was upset of his answer as well... now we are never going to speak again becuase we said goodbye and that's that.

 

Do I feel better? NO. I feel worse! His last memory of me will be that of me being rude and mean to him, and he will only feel justified in his decision becuase of that. At least before the door was open to something if he ever decided he'd done wrong and I should've just moved on and taken him not speaking to me as a sign that he didn't want me.

 

So, advice, don't do it. Just move on. He knows how you feel, let him come to you if he wants to. I know it sucks to let them 'get away with the easy way out of just not talking to you'. But just let him. You will feel worse, like you've broken up all over again, if you get the closure you are seeking. Trust me!

[Daegas]

Don't break it. Your mind is just trying to find an excuse to break NC.

[summerpeach]

stay NC, closure doesn't come from the other party, it comes from inside you

[majord23]

You feel as though you are in limbo and you feel as though you want to break NC for one reason....you are attaching an outcome (involving him) to NC.

 

If you implement NC, you do so for yourself - I think you hold/held some expectation that he would cave and contact you. Now that he hasn't (and remember it has only been 2 weeks), you feel as though you need to do something else to get a reaction.

 

If you expect nothing from him, you cannot be disappointed. Work on your expectations, NOT on methods to get a reaction from your ex.

[amipushy]

They don't provide closure, you do. You can go back as many times as you like but only you finally close that door.

[Kahdeksan]

Marton, there is no closure in finding a reason however sound it may seem for you to call on him and have a one on one talk. Believe me, and trust me on this, we're in the same boat but with our genders reversed. He's guarded himself against any form of emotional hurt or guilt, and his reasons for leaving you are further justified by this wall as every little bit of advice from his friends have served to consolidate the foundation its built upon. So, you have no chance in a million years to break that wall. Unless he starts to disassemble it, this will take brick by brick... He's young, and has no patience or the heart to sit down to dismantling that wall any time too soon. This you KNOW.

 

The only closure you'll ever get is when you've truly let him go... acknowledging that you have no control over him or on your persuasion to want him back is when you'll get your closure.

 

Setting him free is your only closure... I know it's hard but you can do this!

 

Sending you lots of love and support...

[browneyedgirl36]

This is great advice. I don't have a lot to add to it except a few things from my own experience:

 

I too wanted to have that "final closure talk" with my ex right after I found out he was reconciling with his previous ex. I asked him for it, he agreed to it, and then, over the weekend...I changed my mind. I had actually made a "pros and cons" list in my journal to help me to make the decision, and honestly, the "cons" outweighed the "pros" significantly. I won't list them all here, but a few of the "cons" I came up with are these:

 

1) He already knows how I feel, so telling him again is pointless.

 

2) He knows what he did wrong, so me telling him what he did wrong is pointless. He is still going to be the same person -- he's not going to change, and he's certainly not going to come running back to me because I said exactly the "right thing."

 

3) Even if he doesn't think he did anything wrong, he's pretty arrogant, and NOTHING I can say will convince him that he did.

 

4) I cannot make him change his mind; he's decided to be with her, and nothing I can say will change that, so why say anything?

 

5) Telling him how I feel may make me feel better for awhile, but what happens when I think of just "one more thing" I need to say? Where does it end?

 

6) I don't want him to have a lasting image of me weeping, puffy-eyed, mascara running down my face, wiping my nose with Kleenex. I want him to be left with the image of me accepting his decision with dignity and class. **This one was especially important to me because I work with him and have to see him on a pretty regular basis.

 

Those are just some of the "highlights" of my "cons" list.

 

That was 7 months ago, and while there are still times I want to just rip into him like a mad bulldog, or break down and cry and tell him how much he hurt me...ehhhhh....no. Better just to move on, hold my head up, and look forward, not behind me. I still speak to him at work, but we have pretty much no contact outside of work.

 

Hang in there...I know it's hard, but really, nothing you can say to him is going to change things, and you can't count on him for "closure." Do it for yourself, without him. Sometimes, the best "closure" is just doing your best to let go.

[Marton04]

Hi all,

 

thank you very much for all your advice. I have decided not to contact him (for now). I might change my mind in another week or so and be back on here asking for the same advice

 

As much as I want to let him know everything from how I am feeling to how he treated me, I don't think I'm emotionally ready for it just yet. I can see myself feeling strong at the start and then breaking down during the talk. As Browneyed girl mentioned - I don't want him to have that last image of me weeping and being an emotional wreck anymore.

 

And he won't say anything that would make me feel good - if he did, he'd be the one ringing me!

 

I just need to be stronger but in my weaker moments, i really crash and burn like I did this past weekend. I want to move on, i want to forget, i want to erase him from my mind - i just can't right now and it's so painful!

[StillSmiling]

Great advice here from many. And the cons far out weigh the pros.

 

I think we all want our "final day in court", but it really serves no purpose. Trust me, I tried it. It was a loving and sweet and emotional few hours at a walk in the park. He already knew how I felt, what I wanted and he was still holding onto his thoughts and reasons why it "couldn't be" any longer. It solved nothing in bringing him back, making him understand anything new, or giving me ANY type of closure.

 

We hugged and kissed goodbye. I went home and fell apart for another few weeks and had to start the healing process all over again. Please don't do it. For your sake, not his.

[notsoanonymous]

stay NC, closure doesn't come from the other party, it comes from inside you

 

AMEN. This is so so so so so (times infinity!) true. Real closure is how you yourself handle the end of something. It is never up to another person to close that part of things - it's up to you.

 

Hard but hang in there. You will know when it's really over in your heart and then you will be able to move on. You will wake up one morning and realize the pain is a distant memory and the dead feeling has disappeared.

 

Hang in there!

[Daegas]

AMEN. This is so so so so so (times infinity!) true. Real closure is how you yourself handle the end of something. It is never up to another person to close that part of things - it's up to you.

 

Hard but hang in there. You will know when it's really over in your heart and then you will be able to move on. You will wake up one morning and realize the pain is a distant memory and the dead feeling has disappeared.

 

Hang in there!

And then you run into them only to find out your still not over it. Cry a few days, then just go out and have fun, move on with your life. Just hanging in there is just going to make it last longer. This sounds awfully un-emotional, but for me this is what worked by far the best.

[Marton04]

I'm proud to say I've maintained NC for 3 weeks now - it's been terribly terribly difficult, especially in the first few weeks. I never thought I'd be able to go even a day without contacting my ex but i know in my heart of hearts that this is the best thing for me mentally and emotionally. I wouldn't be able handle him telling me the same things he said when he broke up with me, it would be like a knife digging even deeper. And why do I want to put myself through that pain again?

 

IF the ex ever decides to contacts me, i'll deal with it then. Right now, i'm in the mindframe that he never really loved me at all and it hurt ALOT but I'm trying very hard not to focus on that, trying to push him to the back of my mind and to keep him there.

 

I'm going to see a counsellor to work on my self esteem/confidence issues and I hope that will put me on the road to being the person I want to be.

[Clabs]

Hey Marton

 

Well done on your 3 weeks no contact. It is as hard as hell to start with but you can now see all the benefits of not contacting him. It allows you to get your head into a much better place AND it stops you from doing anything daft.

 

I agree totally with what summerpeach wrote about closure - it comes from you and not from anyone else. I am not sure I even like that word. I see it more as when you get to the point where you accept that this has happened and there is nothing you can do about it. And if there is nothing you can do about it then why worry? This will take some time to come but I know that I came to a point where I felt like I was laying back in a bath and let the acceptance wash over me.

 

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing here though - focussing and working on YOU.

 

Keep it up, you are gonna be fine.

 

Mark

[wizard71]

You feel as though you are in limbo and you feel as though you want to break NC for one reason....you are attaching an outcome (involving him) to NC.

 

If you implement NC, you do so for yourself - I think you hold/held some expectation that he would cave and contact you. Now that he hasn't (and remember it has only been 2 weeks), you feel as though you need to do something else to get a reaction.

 

If you expect nothing from him, you cannot be disappointed. Work on your expectations, NOT on methods to get a reaction from your ex.

 

The Perfect answer

[Marton04]

Thanks Clab - I'm pretty damn happy with myself if i may say so. I never ever thought i'd be able to do it - I didn't think i had the strength in me to be able to just simply stop but I did it and am so happy. Everyone and I mean everyone has been advising me that NC is the best way to go and I truly agree. I couldn't imagine myself ringing him or texting him now because I'd only seem desperate in his eyes and my eyes and no way do I want him to see me like that ever again nor do I ever want to be like that again. I hate that I was like that when we broke up but hopefully by doing this NC thing, it proves to me that i have become a little bit stronger and more determined.

[Clabs]

Hey Marton

 

You have good reason - very good reason to feel happy with yourself. See - you didn't believe in yourself - but you are doing it - believe darling - believe!

 

It is a good feeling isn't it - to feel stronger, more determined - in control.

 

Good for you and very inspiring. Keep strong hun.

 

Mark

[Marton04]

Thanks Clabs - means alot to me. I know how some of the others are feeling wanting to call their ex all the time and feeling a sense of hopelessness and everything - i was in their exact same shoes. I wanted to just hide from the world. It hurts like a b*tch, i know but NC is the only way to go to - trust me.