Is space a good idea?

[valleygirl]

If you've been, umm, sleeping with someone for about a couple months, and it has been really intense, what do you do if they stop calling?

 

I don't think I'm the kind of girl who just writes someone off after sharing quite real intimacy.

 

I know people will be quick to say forget it and that's why I don't ask my friends.

 

If someone needs space, do you give it? Or do you just walk away?

 

I think there is potential. Real potential. But I do not want to be a doormat.

 

Then on the other hand, I know it's only been a couple months and he had a long life before I came along. I can't gauge how much time he needs to think about me. Part of me thinks if he's thinking about me, or not rushing, it's a good sign?

 

I don't feel sad or desperate, but I don't want to set a bad precedent.

 

I guess I am wondering, have any of you ever disappeared and then come back? Or is someone always gone for good? And did you resent the other person for not chasing a bit harder when you were just feeling insecure?

 

I know all the arguments for leaving. I'm wondering if there are any arguments for giving it another shot or leaving myself open.

 

I don't want to sleep around or date more than one person at once, so waiting means putting my life on hold a bit.

[Batya33]

I think when someone needs space but doesn't want to break up, they make it clear what they want, why, and what they hope the outcome to be. Stopping contact doesn't necesarily mean needing space - it could be lack of interest in continuing to see the person.

 

When people choose to sleep with someone without a commitment, the understanding is that it's basically ok to stop calling when the desire to have sex fades, or when the situation changes - ie one of the people meets someone he/she would like to date or pursue a relationship with, and having a sex buddy could hamper the new relationship.

 

I wouldn't confuse sexual intimacy with commitment or the obligation to "break up" since this is not a relationship, just two people deciding to have sex when they feel like it. Sure, it's nice if the person who wants to stop having intercourse calls to explain that, but since it's not a relationship to me it's not necessary or an obligation.

 

You might want to call him once to see what's going on but otherwise I would just accept that he is deciding not to have sex with you anymore, for whatever reason.

 

I would not put my life on hold for a sex buddy - for all he knows you were dating others the whole time. There's nothing wrong with dating different people - the only issue is if you're going to have sex with different people all of those people need to know because of STDs. But dating and sex don't need to go hand in hand, so to speak.

[Xetra Dax]

If you don't love the guy the relationship is meaningless, if he doesn't love you the relationship is meaningless too.

 

Love has got to go both ways, sleeping with someone thereforee without loving eachother is meaningless, you shouldn't involve people into your life in the sense of relationship if you two don't care for eachother.

 

 

So make sure you ask about his feelings, and be also sure you love him.

 

 

You know in the way you write is extremely distantiated, it is so because you are insecure about the situation. In order to get certainty you should ask about his feelings, again love needs to go both ways.

[Batya33]

If you don't love the guy the relationship is meaningless, if he doesn't love you the relationship is meaningless too.

 

Love has got to go both ways, sleeping with someone thereforee without loving eachother is meaningless, you shouldn't involve people into your life in the sense of relationship if you two don't care for eachother.

 

 

So make sure you ask about his feelings, and be also sure you love him.

 

 

You know in the way you write is extremely distantiated, it is so because you are insecure about the situation. In order to get certainty you should ask about his feelings, again love needs to go both ways.

 

I don't think it's meaningless - people get meaning out of having their sexual needs met. I wouldn't judge the OP just because she decided to have casual sex, or her partner, just because you (or I) would not have casual sex.

[itsallgrand]

Honestly, I'd just call and ask him what is going on with him. A short call will tell all usually if a person can dropped off from contact.

 

If you wait - what is it you would be waiting for? What information do you need to know to make this decision? You can get it now.

 

If you are looking for something more serious, and since you prefer to be a one man at a time person (as do I) - best to find out what is what right now so that you don't waste unnecessary time speculating in your mind what may or may not be happening.

 

It's not a big deal to contact and ask him at this point. You two have been sleeping together for months. There is nothing wrong with asking for clarification if you don't know right now what he is exactly about.

 

I think the worst thing you could do is wait....wait for him to bring you information, to call, or lead...

 

Take the reigns on it one way or another.

[valleygirl]

Wow. Fast responses. Thank you.

 

I guess it is just impossible for me to think it was just sex.

 

Does that really happen?

 

I know I sound like a child. I'm nearly 40. I've dated a lot. I trusted my instincts.

 

But they are failing me.

 

At any rate, I appreciate your responses.

[Batya33]

Wow. Fast responses. Thank you.

 

I guess it is just impossible for me to think it was just sex.

 

Does that really happen?

 

I know I sound like a child. I'm nearly 40. I've dated a lot. I trusted my instincts.

 

But they are failing me.

 

At any rate, I appreciate your responses.

 

Why impossible? What was discussed - and promised - about your relationship? Did he ask you on dates? Did he tell you he wanted a relationship with you? Did he tell you he wasn't seeing anyone else and didn't plan on seeing anyone else?

 

Of course two adults can decide to meet up to have sex without having a relationship and without having any intention of pursuing a relationship.

 

I wouldn't go with instincts when it comes to risking STDs, pregnancy and in your case, emotional harm - what the situation is and isn't needs to be clearly discussed if what you want is more than meeting up for sex. If the entire interaction is meeting up for sex and both people are ok with that, there's no need to have a "relationship" discussion.

[valleygirl]

I'm sure you are just trying to use some sort of tough love on me.

 

I can think back on a lot of things that were said that made me feel secure, but I don't feel comfortable posting intimate conversations on here.

 

I understand what you are saying. I am a weak person, a bad person, a careless person, whatever. You are a greater woman than me. I guess that is why it is ME in this situation and not YOU.

 

Point taken, but it doesn't really help me at this point in time, does it?

 

I have been able to separate sex and love my whole life to some extent. This time it felt like love. And all I wanted to know was if I should trust that.

 

And if it's true that guys need space, thinking time, etc. That's all.

 

You win. Way to kick 'em when they're down.

[tabbi75]

This sounds a lot like my situation. I was seeing someone for a few months and every thing seemed to be going great. We never had a relationship talk but like you mentioned, he made me feel secure and I felt that he cared, nad i cared a lot about him. but all of a sudden he disapeared on me. I though he needed space and gave it to him. it's been over a month now and no sign of him!!! What a jerk.

 

I'd say call him to find out for yourself. I didn't and so far I haven't been able to get over it. It's on my mind constantly and it drives me crazy when I think about how things were and why it ended up like this.

 

If you know then you can move on faster. I dont think it is okay for a person to just stop contact just becasue they need space or don't want to continue in the relationship, even if they never talked about the kinda realtionship they are having. Somethings you just feel things and just becasue you didnt talk about it doesnt mean it is okay to disapear on the other person.

[amipushy]

Ok, i've been there too so learn from my mistakes and do nothing. Don't call him, don't text him, dont show any form of commitment to him. Just get on with your life. And if he comes back, whatever you do, don't let him string you along by not setting up another date. He'll do that because he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either so he'll string you along with the odd text to keep you sweet.

[Batya33]

Not sure where you got out of my post your comments. All I meant was simply that you decided you were fine with casual sex without a stated commitment. No need to post intimate conversations - if you didn't agree to be in an exclusive relationship, you didn't and conversations other than that don't change that. For those who are comfortable with casual sex, it can be a great thing I am sure. That I am not doesn't make me better in any way - just different in that one way.

 

I am not trying to give tough love, nor am I trying to sugar coat - I was simply presenting my opinion in a realistic way. sorry if you misunderstood.

[amipushy]

Some men so it seems would prefer to disappear rather than inflict pain. Treat him as such a man.

[Batya33]

Men so it seems would prefer to disappear rather than inflict pain. Treat him as such.

 

I think that is completely unfair - all we know is that she was meeting him for sex for a few months -- I would think typically if one person decides to stop having sex, while it might be nice to call, not calling anymore to meet up for sex means that the person is no longer interested in meeting up for sex. We also can't assume that he was trying to avoid inflicting pain - if the arrangement was to meet up for sex, he's entitled to assume that she's not going to be in pain just because he decides he's not interested in having sex with her anymore. I thought that was a point of no strings attached sex - that both people decide that they can separate sex from emotions and assume the other one can and is.

[valleygirl]

If you don't love the guy the relationship is meaningless, if he doesn't love you the relationship is meaningless too.

 

...

 

You know in the way you write is extremely distantiated, it is so because you are insecure about the situation. In order to get certainty you should ask about his feelings, again love needs to go both ways.

 

You are right. I write in a way that is extremely distantiated. And to a large degree, I am like this in my relationships.

 

Because even if I love him, I think it's too soon to say anything about that.

 

I do not know how to make the transition from dating to serious. It has happened only twice in my life. Once with someone I didn't love who just sort of told me we would be together and I was young and accepted it. The second time, I pushed. I pushed too hard. He loved me back and was patient. But I don't want to count on that happening twice in a lifetime.

 

I think he is the same as me. Maybe I just want him to be the same.

[amipushy]

I think that is completely unfair - all we know is that she was meeting him for sex for a few months -- I would think typically if one person decides to stop having sex, while it might be nice to call, not calling anymore to meet up for sex means that the person is no longer interested in meeting up for sex. We also can't assume that he was trying to avoid inflicting pain - if the arrangement was to meet up for sex, he's entitled to assume that she's not going to be in pain just because he decides he's not interested in having sex with her anymore. I thought that was a point of no strings attached sex - that both people decide that they can separate sex from emotions and assume the other one can and is.

 

She didnt say it was a no strings sex arrangement.And I did alter it to "Some men so it seems would prefer to disappear rather than inflict pain. Treat him as such a man." but for her to move on not for any other reason.

 

Also, I'm from the UK we don't do the exclusive/ relationship talk here, its alien to me, we date and usually time and depth of emotions deals with the rest so I can only speak from what I know.

[itsallgrand]

You are right. I write in a way that is extremely distantiated. And to a large degree, I am like this in my relationships.

 

Because even if I love him, I think it's too soon to say anything about that.

 

I do not know how to make the transition from dating to serious. It has happened only twice in my life. Once with someone I didn't love who just sort of told me we would be together and I was young and accepted it. The second time, I pushed. I pushed too hard. He loved me back and was patient. But I don't want to count on that happening twice in a lifetime.

 

I think he is the same as me. Maybe I just want him to be the same.

 

A simple call to see if he is even available for sex, casual dating now, or anything else is a start.

 

This one you might need to let go of . Since it does take two.

 

But if what you want is love and commitment, some of the people here are great at dispensing advice on how to go about that!

 

To be real honest, I think your chances are quite low to see anything big develop here. Especially with the lack of willingness on both parts to be really honest and open about what each other wants.

 

Nothing said, people are free to assume whatever they want. And that can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and hurt.

[valleygirl]

I think that is completely unfair - all we know is that she was meeting him for sex for a few months -- I would think typically if one person decides to stop having sex, while it might be nice to call, not calling anymore to meet up for sex means that the person is no longer interested in meeting up for sex. We also can't assume that he was trying to avoid inflicting pain - if the arrangement was to meet up for sex, he's entitled to assume that she's not going to be in pain just because he decides he's not interested in having sex with her anymore. I thought that was a point of no strings attached sex - that both people decide that they can separate sex from emotions and assume the other one can and is.

 

Thank you for your apology. If it matters at all, I made it clear that I did not want just sex but I also did not want to push. For in my mind, if someone demands exclusivity before the other is ready, then it is meaningless and based on intimidation.

 

We had good sex and I did not want to withhold or make it a game.

 

We did other things and tried to make it not all about sex. We vocalized this.

 

I tried not to be too clingy. May have gone overboard the other direction. Or may have been clingy despite my efforts.

 

But I was indeed clear from the very first date that I was done with casual sex.

 

There is always the chance that that made me more of a challenge and a more enticing lay but nothing more.

 

There is always a chance, on the other hand, that two flawed people deserve a chance...

[tabbi75]

Some men so it seems would prefer to disappear rather than inflict pain. Treat him as such a man.

 

I underestand this, but it's much easier said than done. You can't just stop wondering' why?' if there is no explanation of some sort, even the lamest kind! at least for me that would be easier but still couldnt get myslef to call him and ask..

[valleygirl]

For the record, I am not wondering why.

 

I don't feel that he owes me anything.

 

I do feel that sometimes I back out too easily. And I want to avoid that. But it may be too late as I was rather standoffish all along.

[amipushy]

I underestand this, but it's much easier said than done. You can't just stop wondering' why?' if there is no explanation of some sort, even the lamest kind! at least for me that would be easier but still couldnt get myslef to call him and ask..

 

Then call him. If you REALLY can't move on without knowing then do it. But you have to be prepared or the answer which you might not like.

 

But what works for me is to disappear cos they always come back wondering why you're not bothered or if you've met someone new..But that's me and I'm not looking for what you're looking for.

[amipushy]

For the record, I am not wondering why.

 

I don't feel that he owes me anything.

 

I do feel that sometimes I back out too easily. And I want to avoid that. But it may be too late as I was rather standoffish all along.

 

What is your gut feeling telling you is really going on here?

 

If you feel like your life is on hold then do what you feel is right for you. You can either call him and hopefully he will say the things you need to hear or you can brush yourself down and start living again. It's really up to you.

 

What do you want to do?

[annie24]

well, how long has it been since you have last heard from him? have you tried calling him or emailing, did he respond back to you? how often do you two see each other?

 

it's unclear from what you wrote if this is a friends with benefits situation or if it was a relationship that started off with sex right off the bat. seems to lean more towards the fwb variety. did you guys ever talk to figure out where you stood? some people have sex on the first date and wind up married, other people carry on fwb for a while. but, there is usually some conversation (or lack of) that indicates which is which.

[D_Lish]

Also, I'm from the UK we don't do the exclusive/ relationship talk here, its alien to me, we date and usually time and depth of emotions deals with the rest so I can only speak from what I know.

 

That's true...and it's kinda all alien to me also....this whole dating process in the US

 

I mean Ive never had a guy sit me down and give me the 'talk'....exclusivity just happened and as you say after time and based on depth of emotion. No need to 'talk'...lol

[D_Lish]

However, just because I'd been having sex with someone, wouldn't mean I thought it was an 'exclusive' relationship. You can usually tell if a guy is just using for sex...or whether he is serious about you or not. If it's just sex, he only shows up for sex, he doesn't take you out, you arent introduced to his parents or friends, ...basically he doesn't want to know you, unless you are laid on your back!!

 

Personally I wouldn't call. I don't think you need an answer. You already have your answer. The fact he has disappeared, should make it loud and clear enough.....he's not interested.

Sad to say, sounds like he was using you....

[valleygirl]

Fair enough.

 

I seem to bring that on myself a lot.

 

I was already prepared for that answer. I have been prepared for it since the day I was born or something.

 

I thought, maybe, try to think differently this time. But I know, I know.

 

Thank you. I've learned a lot.

 

I may try and post replies in some other threads, but not sure I am one to give advice at this point...