Advice please: met up with old friend

[dolphin]

Hello all, been awhile since i visited.

So here goes, i just wondering what to do.

I met up with a male friend of mine from 20yrs ago at the pub.

We had drinks, got drunk, ended up in bed. He asked for my phone number. Simple but he had to go out next night to meet someone else that friends tried to set him up with.

I text him to see how night went, he told me really good, went home alone though and wants to catch up sometime.

I would like to catch up again, i liked him back all thiose years ago.

How do i make him realize i not after benefits, i want relationship.

He did ask me if i was single. I did him. both replied yes.

Told him i dont like to be stuffed around.

I hate waiting for men to text, i know i need patience. Any ideas.

What do people think. We are both 40 years old.

Thanks

Dolphin

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He told you the night with the date went really well. He told you he would like to catch up some time. It sounds to me like you are relegated to the back burner...if he has nothing better to do. The problem is that you had sex with him right off the bat (not all people wind up having sex with someone after a few drinks) so that set the impression he has of you...that you are just for fun. I would suggest you back off and if he is interested in pursuing you he will...but next time keep it in a public place and no hanky panky. If you want him to see you as relationship material rather than a FBuddy, you will have to control your impulses.

[dolphin]

He actually asked for my number that m orning, told me before the date he wanted to catch up sometime. Told me he had to go, because it had been setup ages ago. He didnt really want to go but it was his bosses setup. He kept asking me why him, i didnt answer.

We both were smashed, he came up to me.

He was very romantic, he cuddled and kissed, which i havent had in a benefits relationship before. (usally just sex, wham bam)

He asked if it was ok for this to be happening, if i was sure.

Told me no regrets.

[Batya33]

Completely agree with COD. You had the benefits of a night of sex, the downside being the increased risk that that can give the impression that that is what you are looking for. I also agree that the passive mindset, blaming the alcohol, claiming it just happened, won't serve you well if you are looking to develop a relationship with someone. i don't think age has anything to do with it.

[dolphin]

thanks for the replys

i not blaming alcohol, i was incontrol and wanted it too.

i knew what i was doing. Just dont know what to expect now

[Batya33]

thanks for the replys

i not blaming alcohol, i was incontrol and wanted it too.

i knew what i was doing. Just dont know what to expect now

 

"We had drinks, got drunk, ended up in bed."

 

that's what gave that impression.

 

I would expect now something consistent with the impression you chose to give. He has met someone he wishes to pursue as far as dating, and if he has some free time, or it doesn't work out with the woman, he might call to hang out and hook up. If it were otherwise he would NEVER tell you it went well - he wouldn't want to ruin his chances with you - and he might have even canceled that date. I am sorry this one didn't seem to work out the way you hoped.

[dolphin]

ok, i got the point, thanks

His night went well, yes but didnt go out with her, it was a wedding

But i got what you are saying

 

thanks again

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He actually asked for my number that m orning, told me before the date he wanted to catch up sometime. Told me he had to go, because it had been setup ages ago. He didnt really want to go but it was his bosses setup. He kept asking me why him, i didnt answer.

We both were smashed, he came up to me.

He was very romantic, he cuddled and kissed, which i havent had in a benefits relationship before. (usally just sex, wham bam)

He asked if it was ok for this to be happening, if i was sure.

Told me no regrets.

 

Many times after a fling, the guy will make all kinds of talk about getting together, asking for the phone # etc...doesn't necessarily mean there will be follow through. Remember, in the cold light of day when alcohol and lust is no longer clouding reality, it is typically very awkward to simply walk out the door saying, thanks, have a nice life. So exchanging phone #s and talk about how there will be a next time is a less awkward way of leaving. Only time will tell if anything will come out of this..just like in any dating situation, the first date could be just one of many or it could go nowhere.

[dolphin]

once again thankyou.

Maybe being single is better

[Batya33]

Yes, other than when it starts out without a planned date, the impression is that dating is not the goal where if it is a proper, planned date that involves doing an activity in public, even if there is no second date, the message is clear that the purpose of being out together was to go on a date, as opposed to the purpose being to get naked and have sex. Nothing wrong with the latter purpose at all between two consenting adults, I just wouldn't compare it to a dating situation.

 

I don't think being single is better based on this experience but it might be better for you to avoid getting drunk and in bed with someone you just met (or re-met) -- it works great for some, seems not to for you.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, all you can do now is throw away expectations for this one, and if he calls back, then you can decide if you want to spend any time with him.

 

Best to simply leave it be at "It was what I chose at the time, and I enjoyed myself" end of story. An experience - not something to try and build a relationship on.

 

Anything else now is a bonus round.

 

It's pretty common for a one-nighter to end just as that, a one-nighter. Doesn't mean there have to be any negative feelings on either end once it is done.

 

You might want to keep your options open for dating and put this at the back. That's the lead he's given you on it.

[Circe]

dolphin, just to respectfully add my 2 cents.

 

Never tell a man that you don't want to be stuffed around [-X. Seriously. For the good guys, you don't need to say that because they don't have any intentions of stuffing you around. For the losers who may well have intentions of stuffing you around, "dont stuff me around" is not specific enough.

 

Don't give up on dating, but next time, if you think he might potentially be a loser - tell him specifically what you want and don't want.

 

Instead of saying "I don't want to be stuffed around", say "I am no longer looking to date casually, I'm looking for an exclusive relationship. If you are not interested in having that with me I'd appreciate your honesty at this point about that."

 

If he gives you anything remotely wishy washy - anything other than "I'd love to date you and just you and be in a relationship with you! absolutely!" then wipe him off your mind.

 

Its important to do this to guard yourself against allowing losers to feed you crap and reading too much into the mixed messages that losers like to send.

[Batya33]

I have to disagree with this. If she wanted to build a relationship, she should have prioritized getting to know him as a person first. Of course happy healthy relationships can start with a one night stand, but once you've agreed to have casual sex the first night when drunk, throwing in the "don't use me" doesn't make a lot of sense and sure sounds like a bit of mixed signals and "I am a damsel in distress, save me from myself" kind of message.

 

i also have to disagree that he did anything wrong - she consented to have sex with him without a commitment so he was entitled to assume she was ok with casual sex. Not a loser- just someone who enjoys casual sex.

 

I do agree that if a person doesn't want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship, that should be discussed beforehand, but to discuss it when drunk the first night you meet (or re-meet) someone is bound to lead to mixed signals.

 

I do agree that the way the OP put it also sent the message that she had been stuffed around in the past. Not the best first impression to make.

 

Live and learn - nothing here was wrong, just perhaps a bit misguided given the goal of a relationship.

[Circe]

Oh no no, Im afraid I think he did wrong. Where he did wrong was the sending of mixed signals. I think he figured out what she really wanted (one night stand or not) - don't underestimate him - and I think by saying things like "geee I reeeaally dont want to go on this date tomorrow, why me? why me? oh woe oh woe" he was letting himself off the hook.

 

He probably realised either post-sleeping with her or before sleeping with her (despite the alcohol) that she wanted more (they would have talked a fair bit and it probably came out - this sort of thing tends to).

 

What he did achieved several things.

 

Now he didnt need to feel guilty about sleeping with her because she agreed to that. What he might have felt guilty about was turning it into a "one-night stand" by not pursuing anything serious with her afterwards. You might think that if you sleep with a man first date then you are no longer entitled to be considered serious relationship material but a lot of people don't think that way.

 

He might have felt guilty that he wanted no more than sex with her. So he lets her know that he has to go on this other date because his boss set it up, bla bla bla (watch me roll my eyes at the BS) and then lets her know that it went well. Now she is on alert that he is seeing others and so if she choses to see him again its at her own risk. He won't feel like the bad guy leading her on, because he's already told her he's seeing someone else.

 

And yet with enough mixed signals about how he feels about her and how he feels about this other date to leave her hanging.

 

Im sorry but this is not how a good guy treats women - so he's a loser in my books.

[itsallgrand]

Really? I think, indigo, just my opinion, you are reading too much into it.

 

Two old friends meet up in a bar, have a little too much to drink, think it's a good idea to go home together that night.

 

Pretty simple.

 

What each person brings to it in terms of wanting a relationship or not, is sort of moot. The idea is some companionship, a warm body, and sex for that night.

 

I don't think a person is owed anything if they agree to this, except basic human respect and courtesy.

 

I'd think he'd be less than decent if he say, walked out without saying anything in the morning. Or, said something disrespectful to her.

 

But on a take it or leave it basis, sounds like a rather pleasant experience and he treated her like a person.

 

I suppose it depends what expectations you have walking into a situation like that. I don't think it's realistic to expect it to become a full blown love affair or relationship. It can happen - but to go in expecting that?

 

I've had few experiences like this in my life, and yet both were positive. It was actually the man attempting to pursue more - and I didn't want it. Pancakes and friendly chat was fine for me.

Does that make me a jerk, knowing he one-day somehow may have wanted a long term relationship but chose to have sex with me?

 

I personally don't think so. *shrug* I recently went to this guys wedding, so he obviously didn't hold it against me. (knew each other from way back, as in this situation here, grew up together and one night in bed).

 

tmi. lol.

[Batya33]

No, I am not saying that someone who agrees to a one night stand is not relationship material - that would be ridiculous, especially since I wrote in my other posts that sure, happy healthy relationships can start with one night stands.

 

I am saying that unless it is discussed clearly beforehand what the expectations are from having sex, it's not fair to call this man a jerk for assuming she was fine with casual sex. It's also not fair to assume that he wasn't seeing anyone else - he wasn't seeing her, either, just getting naked and having sex with her.

 

All the other comments about his date the next night are irrelevant, because she chose to get naked, chose to have sex, without a clear promise from him that they were going to be in a relationship, or with clear plans for another date. I don't see his comments as mixed signals because she gave the clear green light signal to casual sex.

 

I am not saying she did anything wrong once again, just that it would be wrong to blame this guy for assuming that she was fine with casual sex. What she did do was not consistent with a person who claims to want a relationship, because of the lack of a clear discussion in advance about expectations. Sure, a relationship can result afterwards - but to expect one to develop from this situation and from her actions is an unrealistic expecation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am with Batya and It's all Grand. I don't see that the man gave mixed signals at all and from this encounter I don't see him as a jerk. It was two consenting adults having no strings attached sex because it felt good in the moment for both of them. Both were fully aware that they were not in a relationship and they were both free agents...not tied to anyone else nor to each other. If a person decides to have sex with someone before a relationship is understood, then they have to expect that sex is not something that seals the deal. When people date for a while first, then agree to be exclusive and only THEN have sex...well the sex consummates the relationship and is an expression of the connection the two people feel. If sex comes long before dating and relationship then it is simply physical needs being gratified and has absolutely nothing to do with dating or relationship potential.