i can't move on.

[jojesse]

I dont know what is wrong with me. He was my first love. It ended 5 years ago, and last night I woke up in the middle of the night with the realization that I will always love him. It hurts so much to think that we will never be together again, like a part of my soul is slowly dying, has been dying since the say we broke up.

 

We have remained friends until recently when we had a major fallout, because of my own doing. I don't know what got into me, but i think subconsciously i just wanted to give him a reason to stop talking to me because I couldn't do it myself and it just hurt too much to be friends anymore. I don't know what to do.

 

I am so confused because just as i am beginning to feel like I have finally gotten over the pain and hurt he caused me during the relationship, I come to the realization that I still love him so dearly. To me, he will always be amazing and incredible. I feel like no man can ever match up to how he made me feel, or ever have more meaning to me. I feel a deep regret over how our relationship ended, even though I have tried to convince myself otherwise.

 

i don't know what to do with this love i have for him. I feel like I am condemning myself to be single forever. I dont want to keep living in the past and yet i dont know how to move forward.

 

I dont know if it is normal to feel like this, to love like this. Even though he is not perfect and there are objective traits he does not have that I would want in a perfect man, I still think there is no other person I will ever love...I still feel like he is the one.

 

I would really appreciate any advice or insight, especially from people who have gone through the the pain of losing a great love. Thanks.

[Kahdeksan]

While I feel your pain, it hurts me more to try and wrap my mind around the fact that you've longed for him for five long years... He's kept you as a friend and you know right from wrong that that is not right, which is why you subconsciously, as you put it, pulled the plug on this friends with benefits relationship.

 

Goodness, you're worth much more than that!! Love yourself first! You being dependent on him highlights your fears that are far more realized and terrifying when you're not with him. This is echoed by the fact that you out right REFUSE to move on because you feel that no-one will learn to love you as you've come to love him. This is very unhealthy. You love him because you want to be needed, not because you love him... Staying as friends for such a long time has also given you a disillusioned perspective on you being capable of loving another because you're so dependent on him being there for you when your needs arise.

 

I want you to have a read of the link below, it will do you a world of good.

 

link removed

 

Please, learn to love yourself, learn to understand that there is a happy ending at the end of this long dark dankly tunnel... you just have to make the hard work by becoming more self aware and trek through on this journey right to the very end. Because at the end, there lies your free spirit and the reason you were put on this planet... to complete someone else's life. Not your ex's...

 

Look to local community support groups too if you have to and professional help on dealing with your anxiety, abandonment issues and your codependency...

 

I'm sending you the love and support from thousands of miles away, take up your courage, and do this FOR YOURSELF!

[pacodemil]

I cant speak for everyone here and I wont even try, however, I have gone through a very very similar situation. Hopefully you will find some of my advice helpful. I wont lie to you and tell you that the things I am writing will make it all go away. Only time can heal pain such as that you are experiencing. Well here goes.......

 

The first real serious relationship I ever had started when I was 17. I had dated numerous girls before this but had never really seen myself being serious with any of them. I started dating "K" my senior year. She was two years younger than me but we got along real well and it was love at first sight. We spent every minute together for the next year until I went away to college and even then I came home every weekend to spend time with her. We spent hour upon hour on the phone with one another every night. We were inseperable.

 

I joined the army the following year and requested the base that was only two hours from my house so that we would not be separated. I proposed to her that summer while I was at basic training and she said yes. Throughout all of this time we had only grown closer and closer and I was never so happy. I served for approximately two and a hlaf years in the Army before and illness almost took my life. Through it all she was by my side and I loved her for it so much.

 

Shortly after I was discharged from the military due to my condition. After getting out we were married and moved into a little apartment above a restraunt. We were so happy together and even got a dog. We talked about kids but we decided we would wait awhile. I had gotten several promising job offers and was working for the local sheriffs department in the meantime.

 

As luck would have it we found a nice house for rent and moved in the folowing summer. We had been there maybe two or three months and were closing in on our wedding anniversay. I knew the only way I could get hat day off was to do several double shifts in order to get time off so I did. I worked the night before our anniversary and when I came home that morning I told "K" that I was going to take a quick nap and that I would take her out for dinner later that evening and celebrate our wonderful first year of marriage.

I was awoken after about an hour of sleep to the phone ringing. I answered it and to my surprise my wife was on the phone with her sisiter and her sister was asking her how the date had gone last night. DaTE?????? I was stunned so I continued to listen. My wife was quick to respond that it was great and that she wanted to see him again soon. I was in shock. This was my wife whom I loved dearly. After about a minute my wife said she had to go because you never know who could be listening and her sister said she understood.

Wel I dont know what else to say but I confronted her after she hung up and asked her what was going on to which she responded coldly that she was cheating on me with another man........ What???? So anyways she told me who it was and believe that made it even worse. A low life who was almost twenty years older than her and still lived with his mom. Had three kids he doesnt support and Whom I had the oppurtunity of booking in the county jail two weeks prior for possession of cocaine. I was stunned. So I left for the day to clear my head. However, I wasnt smart enought to leave. I stayed for a week or two trying to convince her that I loved her more than this addict ever could, but she would not listen to me no matter what I said. Finally it happened. Her and her loser boyfriend called the cops on me and told them that I had hit her the night before and that she wanted me out of the house. Problem was I had worked the night before and stayed at afriends house all of which were documented. The police told me not to worry that she had recanted after saying she just wanted me out of the house and the plolice agreed I should just go somewhere else for now. So back to my parents. What a way for a grown man to go. Backwards. I moped and slept for the next month or two. I just couldnt stop thinking about her.

Well enough about what happened here is what I actually did to get over her. The first step was the hardest but he most important. I first had to realize that there was no "us" any more. There was me and then there was her. We no longer went together. Next I had to force myself to keep busy. Whether I was going out with friends playing sports or just going for rides, I was sitting around thinking about it all of the time so that was a plus. I also had to take each and every day one at atime. That was a very big step. Don't get ahead of yourself because you will crash and burn. small steps are the key to truly healing in my mind. I know this sounds hard but another very important step for me was dating other people. Not just for sex or for a new true love just to know that you have options and that you have to move on. dating is a big step and it does take time to get back in the swing of things but try not to get to serious about the first date or two because we all know what happens when we rebound. We settle for less than we deserve. Try doing things you never did before especially things that you never did with your EX. Trying new things helps to refresh your life. One step I took which I wouldnt recomend to everyone was moving away. I spent the next five years of my life away from my friends and famil making a new life for myself. It doesnt have to be as drastic as moving but try and reinvent who you are. Dont let yourself be stuck in the past. I still think about her from time to time but I know that the love that I had for her was simply that something in the past. I am not that person that allowed that to happen to me any more. It takes time but you can do it. If you ever need help please let me know.

[omartin]

Thanks for writing this pacodemil. It is helping me as well...

[pacodemil]

Thanks for writing this pacodemil. It is helping me as well...

 

I wish I never had to write that but unfortunatley sometimes life is unfair to us and we just have to move on. We can be as strong as we want to.

[kuhl282000]

Kahdeksan above in this post is a friend of mine ......and he and I really do understand the pain you are going through ....we are both right there ourselves.

 

For two long months now it has been a living hell .......but I wanted to share with you a short story about my mother ......

 

Way back in 1977 my dad left my mom .........the relationship was over after many long years. My dad was a computer programmer for NASA and made great money, lived in a great house on the water ..........life was good. This was when computers were the size of a living room and did not sit on your desktop.

 

Well Dad stayed young and good looking and started dating younger women .....mom sat around and ate and slept all day and got fat and lazy .....she was used to the lifestyle dad was providing ........well dad ended it got a lawyer the whole nine yards.

 

He was nice and left mom a really big chunk of money $250,000 (that was a lot of money back then) .......well mom decided the state was not big enough for the two of them anymore .....so she moved from Florida to Atlanta .......here comes the sad part .......its been over 30 years now......and mom has never dated another person, and still thinks the bastard (dad of course) is still coming back to her.

 

Her whole life has been living in the past with this guy .....she never moved on. Just to be around her is sad ...........she is stillin a lingering depression to this day.

My sisters and myself feel sorry for her, and we never bring up dad around her. But she likes to bring him up whatever chance she gets .....we have learned not to go there or even attempt to engage.

 

Don't be like my mom .......there are people out there like this. Its a big world out there and I'm sure there is someone out there that will love you. I really do understand where your at. I just broke up with the love of my life....the sun rises and sets with her .....it went 5 wonderful years. And then in one short day .....it was over. I would have done anything I could have to save it......but I could not from my end .....she needed to acknowledge her part in all of it ....and that was not possible.

 

Another sad ending ........here are a few things for you to listen to

 

God Bless all of us broken hearts ...and don't be like me right now

 

mar·tyr One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle

[Odysseus]

kuhl282000,

How's your relationship with your Dad today? Are you close to him?

 

-O

[kuhl282000]

Odysseus ......

 

Answer .....I'm not close to anyone anymore in the family .......we all went separate ways many years ago .......my sister and i still have contact .......its a long story ....

I'm out here finning for myself right now ...trying to build a new life starting all over again ........I hate starting over..........a few moths ago everything changed is a day .......all my dreams went out the window .......sad ending ....i hate sad endings.

I'm a lover not a fighter .......I'm sticking to animals in the future ....a lot safer.

[jojesse]

@ Everyone:

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate your stories and advice. You really gave me a lot to think about in terms of why I am in my current situation and what my future might look like if I don't change my trajectory.

 

There's a lot that I want to respond to and I want to do it in a thoughtful and meaningful way. However, I won't have much time this week, especially today, so I wanted to start by responding to the reply made by Kahdeksan.

 

@ Kahdeksan:

 

Thank you for your words, advice, and support. While there are many points in your post that I agree with, I was greatly surprised overall because it was not the reply I wanted or expected. What troubles me the most is I have somehow projected to you the image that I am co-dependent, and have abandonment issues. I'm not sure where this comes from, and maybe I'm so far down the rabbit hole that I can't even see it myself, but I am open to discuss this. I just want to explain and clarify and maybe you can re-assess and let me know what you think.

 

First I just wanted to describe more about the situation I am in. You are right in that I have longed for him since my breakup 5 years ago. (It is a sad reality, I know, which is why I am here on ENA). We have remained friends, but it's not FWB. I'm not sure if you mean something else by FWB, please let me know. While it is true that there have been moments of intimacy within these 5 years (2 times exactly) I don't think that amounts to a FWB situation. Also, I'm not dependent on him when problems arise in my life. I tend to keep them away from him. I guess, my point is, for the most part, I have led a life independent of his, so I'm not sure where the co-dependency comes in. I hardly even see him and most communication is via phone or email.

 

That said, I do agree with you that I there is a major problem going on inside me. I think I am still living in regret over how the relationship turned out. Bascially, throughtout the we were in a relationship, I acted in a way that was not really who I am and even though I never meant to hurt him I did (and likewise, he hurt me too). When it ended, I was so angry and deeply hurt that I wasn't thinking about reconciliation at all. However, we both decided that we wanted to be friends - real friends. We immediately jumped into a friendship without a real period of NC, maybe a month on his part. Throughout the time that we have been firneds, I have been holding an extreme amount of anger towards him...up until about the beginning of this year. In retrospect, I realize how immature I have been, but I was young and inexperienced and didn't really know how to properly communicate feelings of being hurt nor did I realize those feelings needed to be communicated (stupid, I know...but I didn't know then).

 

The friendship throughout these years have been kind of on and off. There would be periods where we were in frequent contact and times when we were not (probably because we were dating other people, but we never openly talked about our new relationships). Although there are times in my life when he has been there to support me, it was never the case that I would call him in need, but rather, he happened to call and I would tell him what's going on in my life, etc. In truth, it is because he has been there for me all those times without my asking that made me finally forgive him for all the anger of the past, because I realize he never meant to hurt me.

 

So, with the realization that I forgive him for everything is the slow realization that I still have a lot of feelings for him, and thus, the reason for my post. You're probably right in that this is not love. I just feel like I wish we had the proper chance to have a real relationship and if it didn't work, then i would be satisfied and I would be able to walk away without looking back and without regrets. I feel regret over a lost opportunity, a chance not well seized, and disappointment that we never had a real relationship. A real relationship, to me, is one where I am acting like myself, who I REALLY am (the relationship lasted 1 month at most...but we were friends for 2 years before that, during which time there was also moments of intimacy.) There are a lot of objective reasons why I think a relationship would be great and why he is amazing, but I won't get into that.

 

While I do have a lot of self confidence and self-love, you're probably right that this rejection has made me feel less of that. I don't know if I would say that I don't love myself at all because as it stands, I would never change myself for anyone, even him, because I know who i am and what I want from life. However, you are right in that a part of my feelings stems from the desire to be needed by people I care about, so naturally that includes him. You are also right in that I feel like I have lost a lot of my free spirit throughout this time. The truth is, I never really learned how to take a rejection. It's just not something, a feeling, a state of being that I am used to at all.

 

Thanks for reading and I would love to know what you think.

[jojesse]

Hi Kahdeksan,

 

I just re-read your post and I have a few additional points regarding the idea of love.

 

This is echoed by the fact that you out right REFUSE to move on because you feel that no-one will learn to love you as you've come to love him. This is very unhealthy.

 

It's not that I feel no-one will learn to love me. I know there are people who would love to love me (if that makes sense) if I just let them. But the fact is, I feel like I am incapable of another (real, and meaningful) relationship if I am still living in regret over this one - I would never be able to be FAIR to that person, or myself.

 

Staying as friends for such a long time has also given you a disillusioned perspective on you being capable of loving another

 

I know I am capable of loving another. It's just that I don't want to love another until I close this chapter, until I know for sure that him and I are an impossibility. You're probably right in that if I am still holding on to hope after all this time, then there must be something majorly wrong. It all stems from the fact that I am regretting. I just wish we could give it a real go, and if it doesn't work out, then I would be satisfied.

 

-- I just want to say thank you so much for you post because it really got me thinking, and i'm really starting to see a lot more clearly.

[jenna981]

jojesse - Just found it interesting I had the same feelings as you and even said this to my ex, I wish him and me could try another go and have a real chance. I guess another chance to do things right and you'd feel better knowing if it doesn't work out a second time it really wasn't meant to be. Same feeling as you, I know I can find someone else and feel something again, but I'm going to always wonder if things would have been better with him if we had a second go.

 

I guess for me... I learned from my mistakes and wish I knew then what I was doing wrong and I like to think if I changed my actions then things would of worked our differently.

 

Hope more people have input for you, just feels comforting someone else has these same feelings.

[testcase]

"I know I am capable of loving another. It's just that I don't want to love another until I close this chapter, until I know for sure that him and I are an impossibility."

 

The unfortunate thing is sometimes you just have to close that chapter yourself. You may never get the chance to know you tow are an impossibility. With my ex I wish I could give it a 3rd, 4th hell even 5th go if it needed it. I will probably never have that chance though because she is over me and doesn't want to give it that go.

 

I don't know what to say aside from closure it not something that is given to you, it is something you have to make for yourself.

[Kahdeksan]

Hi JoJesse... I understand where your answers are coming from and please allow me to elaborate. First, can I ask you something? What are you really afraid of? Loosing him or the YOU. Do you believe that he makes you who you are when you think about him or long for him?

 

If you've answered yes to those, then you may have some childhood issues that you need to acknowledge- and then getting them seen to in the end, if the need be.

 

Secondly, do you think this is great LOVE that you have for him? Or is it a fantasy of what you think love is when you've been willingly waiting for him for so long. Perhaps subconsciously feeding your chain of thoughts that if you love him deeply enough then everything will fall to place eventually. Hanging onto the threads of hope and wishing that he sees what you want and that he'll make the efforts to get back together and in doing so, addressing all the mistakes of the past to delicate attention. Yet, he does not reciprocate those feelings as a lover would, nor can he, when he's in a friendship frame of mind. You may wish all you want for things to work between the two of you, but the issue here is that we CANNOT control these circumstances that circumvent the proceedings to reconcile.

 

You are in denial, and unable to let him go, as was I previously... but I gather from your syntax too that you're not allowing the real you to be acknowledged and identified, THIS is why you cannot heal, henceforth move on. I don't think you've forgiven him either but more importantly you haven't forgiven YOURSELF. As much as it is harsh of me to say it I mean this well, since you're still retracing the 'what could have been' and the 'what should have been' and 'done' routine. There is a lot of blame here and they are seeded DEEP within you...

 

I know it is a lot for you to digest... but this is what I gather from your posts.