He's a 23 year old Virgin

[goingcoastal07]

So I've been "hanging out", dating, this guy for 3 months. He recently told me that he's a virgin and he's 23. Then last weekend he told me that he has never messed around with a girl - EVER. He's only kissed 4 girls and thats as far as it went. I can tell by what he does that he's very unexperienced. He seems a little unexperienced emotionally too. He always drives to see me and we either hang out at my house or go out to eat, bowling, to the bar, etc. He's a real gentleman. I wrecked my car a month ago and was stranded with no way home and he drove an hour to get me and take me home safely.

 

But then when I bring up the subject of a relationship things get all weird. We've talked a few times about it. He says he likes how things are right now and wants to keep it going. We see each other about 2- 3 times a week. But it seems like he has a problem with intimacy (obviously since hes a 23 yr old virgin). Sometimes he doesn't even want to kiss me and I'm like why won't you kiss me? And he says he doesn't want me to feel like this is something we have to do alll the time and then he doesn't want me getting disappointed if it doesn't happen. He says he really cares about me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He also came over to my house last weekend whenever my cat died because he knew i was upset.

 

Is this normal? Have you ever heard of this? Should I run as fast as I can? Or should I stick it out with him and see where it leads? Its really frustrating because he gives me so many mixed signals. When it seems like things are going really good and progressing well - all of a sudden he slams on the brakes

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. wow, it sounds like he is a real gentleman! and he seems to be doing super attentive things for you, i think he sounds like a catch.

 

did you ask him why he hasn't gotten past kissing? maybe there is a good reason that can ally your fears. maybe he just hasn't met the right girl? maybe there are religious reasons.

 

maybe he doesn't want to make you feel like he is all about sex and intimacy. i think communication is good, decide what you want and see what happens. i would talk to him in a non-judgemental fasion and find out why he has waited. it could be for religious reasons also. ???

[Konfetkette]

Umm that is weird. He won't even kiss you? I've never heard of that. Can you talk to him seriously about it? I know it's hard because he's so nice but you have to let him know that you are not completely happy in this relationship, and why is he so afraid of any kind of intimacy.

[Caterina]

I think he might have some social issues if he told you he was a virgin that early. The other stuff sounds nice though, like driving as far as he did etc

[D_Lish]

Hmmm, could it be that he is perhaps *gay*.

 

Either that, or he's just a very, very shy guy....or, he may just not be *into you* in that way.

 

Don't mean any of this in offence btw.

[D_Lish]

I agree he sounds a catch though and a real proper gentleman.

What a pity guys like this, are far and few inbetween

[annie24]

he could also be very religious, or have been brought up in a very strict household where sex was 'dirty and wrong.' or, he might have been painfully shy as a teen and is now finally starting to get up enough courage to meet girls, ask them out, etc....

[cafecomleite]

You should ask him about the kind of relationship his parents had.

 

I'm a 22 year old virgin. The reason, I think, is because I saw how miserable together my parents were growing up and didn't want that for myself. Even though I craved intimacy, every time a girl would try and get close to me, I'd push her away. It's a pretty tightly wound knot, but if this guy is anything like me, the only way you can move things forward is by getting him to talk. Therapy might help. Do you think he's worth the effort?

[Caterina]

I don't know why people act like its so weird to be a virgin at that age...I'm three years older than him and I'm a virgin. I grew up in a strict, religious household like the above poster mentioned.

[Stars_n_Guitars]

Don't rush things. He's not rushing things because he's not comfortable having a sexual relationship. When he's ready, it will happen.

 

Being 23 and a virgin does not mean he's gay!

[Luke Skywalker]

I agree with the 23 year old virgin guy. I've only kissed four women myself (two if it's french kissing) and have never messed with anyone. But I'm 32 (just reverse the numbers) instead of 23.

 

The novelty of kissing wears out - but then why would you have to keep on kissing all the time, or everytime someone is meeting a girl? Are you so insecure that you need that ALL the time? It's like eating pancakes every day for breakfast, maybe another day you want eggs or something else instead. You cant expect someone to be kissing you every time they see you.

[gracerules2008]

I wish I was still a virgin.

 

My hunch is that he respects women enough not to take sex too lightly and he wants it to be a special experience for both of you if and when it happens.

[DaBladeRoden]

Well, he's more experienced than me, at least. Though I can't relate to his unwillingness for kisses/relationship. I'd probably jump at the chance if a girl asked "Why don't you kiss me?" Though I'd probably be more nervous if the girl expected me to be more experienced, rather than if she knew I was in need of practice first.

[cafecomleite]

Being a 23 year old virgin is a sign of serious repression. You can't go against your natural urges for that long and be normal.

 

I'd say he'd have to knock down a few girls before he's ready for a 'serious' relationship.

[Jelina]

Do you think that he might be lying to you about how many girls he's kissed? Maybe he hasn't kissed any girls at all. When I first started going out with my bf (he's my first) I didn't kiss him for weeks because I had never kissed anyone before and I was nervous. I finally told him like a month later when he asked me why I wouldn't kiss him. Maybe he doesn't want you to think that he's a loser because he hasn't kissed anyone, or maybe he has kissed someone in the past and had a bad experience. Maybe he thought he would only tell you about being a virgin but lied and said he has kissed girls because he thought saying he hasn't done anything with a girl would make him look like a complete loser.

[Jelina]

There is nothing wrong with being a 23 yr old virgin. I am one, my bf is 22 and he is a virgin and I'm 23. My reason for remaining a virgin is because I only want to sleep with the person I marry. I don't see why people make a big deal out of it. Everyone is entitled to lose their virginity at the age they want to. Plus we have enough 12 and 13 yr olds running around sleeping with how many people they can, it's nice knowing that some people are still waiting.

[DaBladeRoden]

There is nothing wrong with being a 23 yr old virgin. I am one, my bf is 22 and he is a virgin and I'm 23. My reason for remaining a virgin is because I only want to sleep with the person I marry. I don't see why people make a big deal out of it. Everyone is entitled to lose their virginity at the age they want to. Plus we have enough 12 and 13 yr olds running around sleeping with how many people they can, it's nice knowing that some people are still waiting.

 

Aye, but what about the twenty-something virgin that isn't that way because of choice? Something must surely be wrong with him.

[Carmine]

Hmmm, could it be that he is perhaps *gay*.

 

Bah, just because a guy isn't pushing intimacy doesn't mean he's gay.

 

Like your second explanation, he's surely very very shy and thinks there's almost something wrong with going in for a kiss. He's very nice and thoughtful, yes, but perhaps too much.

 

Let him know that guys aren't the only ones who like intimacy. I find that seems to be a thought among a lot of inexperienced guys...the thought that the girl is giving the guy something that she doesn't really care for herself...thus nice inexperienced guys feel guilty getting pleasure from a girl.

 

You might have to take the reigns in the beginning to spur him on. If you really like him, give him a sudden big ol kiss when you're alone.

[Caterina]

Aye, but what about the twenty-something virgin that isn't that way because of choice? Something must surely be wrong with him.

 

Not necessarily. I've noticed that some guys who are really interesting/unique receive less attention than the typical boring guys who only care about lifting weights or whatever they care about. So there isn't anything wrong with them, other than that they are a little different.

[D_Lish]

There is nothing wrong with being a 23 yr old virgin. I am one, my bf is 22 and he is a virgin and I'm 23. My reason for remaining a virgin is because I only want to sleep with the person I marry. I don't see why people make a big deal out of it. Everyone is entitled to lose their virginity at the age they want to. Plus we have enough 12 and 13 yr olds running around sleeping with how many people they can, it's nice knowing that some people are still waiting.

 

I actually admire those who will wait until they are married.

 

Far too many promiscuous people on the loose, hence sexual diseases are rife.

[D_Lish]

Bah, just because a guy isn't pushing intimacy doesn't mean he's gay.

 

Yeah ok, I was wrong....as usual LOL

 

I've just never come accross a guy like that before and I know of no guys like this.

 

But then in the UK, everyone appears to be like a rampant rabbit these days

 

I highly doubt there are many virgins over here...

[goingcoastal07]

He also has told me that he's done more with me than any other girl he hangs out with. He never cuddles with then, holds hands, hugs, etc- but he does all this with me. The most that we've done is I've given him handjobs and he's played with my boobs.

 

I also met his dad last weekend when I went to his house for the first time. I live in my own apartment and he usualyl just comes to my place. He always tells me I'm pretty, or hot and things like that. I went to his bball games the past 2 weeks.

 

All of his friends think I'm his girlfriend and they think I'm a good catch for him and he should go for it. But I'm not really sure thats what he's thinking.

 

He also said that he has dated a few girls recently but always finds flaws in them that are deals breakers - like an ex heroin addict, and a girl who got depressed adn dropped off the face of the earth. So I asked him what the flaw was in me taht he found and he said there isn't any.

 

When we're together I feel like his gf alot of the tiem - he pays for me. We hold hands if we're out and about, etc. And its nice that he pays for me because I know he doesn't have a lot of money - he's having trouble finding a job in broadcasting which is what he went to school for.

[itsallgrand]

Don't rush things. He's not rushing things because he's not comfortable having a sexual relationship. When he's ready, it will happen.

 

Being 23 and a virgin does not mean he's gay!

 

I agree with this.

 

It sounds to me like he is a sweetie and likes you a whole lot.

 

But since this is all new to him, he's feeling some pressure.

 

Remember the first time you got intimate with someone? It can be scary for some people. I'd think it might be scarier the longer you wait, as so many ideas and expectations have a lot of time to build up.

 

So long as you are ok with taking it slow?? Slow can mean lots of affection in ways that are mostly non-sexual to start - which I have to say, can be really nice especially after being in relationships where sex gets center stage a lot of times.

 

What else to say except enjoy it . Three months is still early. Great chance to practice being romantic ....little kiss here, little kiss there...it all adds up.

[Mr Miagi]

I agree with all the above, this guy sounds like he is really into you. Driving all that time, paying you attention, knowing you'd be upset, enjoying time with you, 2 - 3 times a week.... all signs he is keen.

 

Perhaps he wants you to know he isnt just trying to get into your pants, perhaps he is really shy, perhaps he has been abused and finds intimacy difficult, maybe he thinks your not initiating the contact?

 

For whatever reason, only talking, and getting his truthful response will allow you to discover the real reason. Maybe he will plant a huge one on you once he realizes you've been waiting!

 

We arnt mind readers (we often miss HUGE hints), and he sounds like a nice guy, just ask politely in the right atmosphere!

 

My 2 cents

[goingcoastal07]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm being too uptight with him.

 

He sometimes texts me and gives me one word answers, but other times he'll carry on a full convo. Sometimes he'll call me babe or boo but not all the time. And it seems like when he doesn't do the nice things it kidna makes me disappointed or instantly think something is wrong.

 

For example - i asked if he was not working tomorrow and he said he's not. So I said "Okay I got dibbs on you!" And he said "okay, it might have to be later on." So right away I thought okay he's going out with his friends or another girl and doesn't want me to come along. Why doesn't he want me to come along? I'm usually not insecure with guys but he makes me very insecure. Mainly because I don't have an actual commitment from him which is kind of what I want. I'm willing to stick it out a little bit longer because I do really like him. But anyways, I asked him how late and he said i dont know. Then I asked him if he was mad or something and he said no. And I'm sitting here wondering why he's giving me these one word answers. So then I asked him if we were definitely doing something or not because if not I was goign to make other plans. And he said I guess but what are your other plans? And I got upset that he said " i guess" and started to feel like he's hanging out with me out of pity or something.