I work with women and I was given the following advice:

[Plaxicott]

"Treat them as if you're in a long term relationship." Easier said than done.

 

First they don't know a lot about me, and it's this first challenge that I'm having difficulty with. I realize that there is no "standard" way of opening yourself up to women, but what must you typically self disclose about yourself in sequential order, during the first few weeks? By sequential order, I mean that I don't know what I should mention first: family, previous job, where I live, what i like to do, the origin of my name, why I'm working here, etc.

 

that's always hard! what are the very first things you bring up with a new person? BTW, I work at a new Barnes and Noble, so the very first thing I could talk about are the books we like to read. But how to seque into other things?

 

Thanks.

 

 

I used to think that I should let my humor and opinions act as a gateway for people to get to know me. This was a mistake because I've realized that I do not have a funny comment for everything. I'm not "quick on the draw" like this one guy I know. If someone says something or anything unique or unusual happens, he's able to make a funny comment. And he does it repetitively enough that female co-workers are drawn to him, and get to know him that way.

 

So now that leaves me with the option of sitting in the breakroom, and getting to know someone in a normal conversation. Which I am not yet prepared for.

[george237]

Are you trying to date these women at work or just be friends?

[doris]

If a girl wants to know something she will ask you!

 

Also, I think its better to not talk about yourself too much and ask her open ended questions about herself then shut-up and listen and follow up depending upon what she has said.

 

A couple more pointers, when a girl is interested in you she will ask you lots of questions and you should show interest in her by asking her similar questions!

 

Let her do most of the talking though!

[Plaxicott]

george: No. I'm not interested in dating them. I only want to be a likeable co-worker before they decide I'm not and keep me out of the social loop.

 

doris: yes, I agree not to mention a lot about myself, but I seem to work with a group of people who don't feel comfortable about the people they work with UNLESS you share your world with them. Is it a regional thing? I'm originally from California and I've moved to a southern city where the "small-town attitude" applies. And I work in retail.

 

Also doris, I have asked my immediate co-workers open-ended questions about them (books they like, for example) and I have self disclosed things about myself. However, they treat me warily. I feel that I'm not opening up enough.

 

In what order should I self disclose the (limited) things about myself when that opportunity arises?

[nutbrownhare]

I find the observation about treating your female colleagues as if you were in a long term relationship very interesting.

 

Whenever I've been in a working situation (I have spent part of my adult life self-employed) I've found that there has always been a guy with whom I've teamed up. Brilliant relationship, close, supportive, within boundaries (either one or both of us has been committed to someone else). Last year I was staying at a hostel three days/week whilst doing a college course in a different town, I even found someone who fulfilled this role then!

 

It can make such a huge difference to your working life. Talking about the books which appeal to you/her is an excellent starting point as it can really enable both of you to talk about what makes you tick, without it seeming artificial. The rest, I'd say, is just get to know colleagues who seem interesting to you, treat them as people and don't worry about it. Just be yourself.

[Plaxicott]

hey, thanks nutbrownhare

 

I will try to be myself and I will treat them as people, no worries there.

 

But is there a sequential order on how to get to know someone? The books are something that we have in common, and I realize that commonalities are important to mention first. Hobbies, maybe not so much.

 

But after that I am lost on asking/mentioning about family, pets, or whatever else that comes next in line. I find that I can function better in life if things are in order, and that includes information.

 

Here's a good example:

Most of us just know people by their first name. A cashier returned some items in the back. I asked her if she was watching the Olympics. She gave me this surprised and puzzled look. "Should I be watching the olympics?" she said.

That made me think that I should've asked someone I knew already.

[limelight]

'Should I be watching the olympics?'

 

I find it annoying when you try and make convo with someone and they throw back at you. I wouldnt worry about that she doesnt sound that friendly lol.

 

I dont think there is a certain sequence..usually abit of random chit chat about almost anything is enough to determine whether u click with someone. If you analyse it tho you're probs more likely to get over anxious when talking to people. They are probs feeling the same way!