A break down of an ex fling.

[Steve 7745]

So I started to ponder about the women I used to date when I suddenly came up with an impressive idea. I think the main killer of my interest in someone was her boyfriend after me.

 

Let's take an ex fling of mine for example. This cute, blonde girl named Sofia. The guy she's been dating for a few years is fat, owns a gun and is a self proclaimed jock. He played Rugby like me and seems to act like a real tool. His slogan was, "Tough on nerds, even tougher on geeks," and looks like one of those sports nuts who wastes so much of his time at bars with clubs.

 

I think when you piece together the kinds of people that a girl dates after you, you begin to wonder, "Is that seriously the kind of guy I'd have to be in order to be with her?" The thought is very unattractive. Imagine gaining 50 lbs and looking like the main character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Blowing loads money on alcohol just to watch a stupid football game? Or needing to make fun of people just to look tough?

 

Seriously, screw you lady.

 

Let's take another fling from two years ago. Her following boyfriend lasted quite a while. He seemed like a pretty impressive guy. A nice 2005 Ford Mustang, great job as a helicopter production manager, traveled to exotic locations as part of his vocation and he was pretty handsome to boot.

 

But some of the things he did disturbed me quite a bit. You could tell from his posts that he was often insecure. He completely totalled his car at some point (smashing your sports car makes your premiums skyrocket), and I suspect the reason that the last point occurred was because he was also an avid drug user.

 

And if that last point wasn't nasty enough, I would also like to note that girl in question had a 2 year old daughter as well. A guy who slips pills for fun as a potential father figure? Of course, after all, having all those good points and none of the problems would just be too boring, wouldn't it.

 

As for so most of my other flings and exs, many are still single. I suppose there are ups and downs to this, such as either they're seeing someone they don't want too many people to know about (ie, he's Mr. Right Now), or they simply haven't met anyone who meets a set of high standards. But sometimes, you feel better about yourself because there's nothing to compare yourself too.

 

Just a little rant to dwell on, but when you come to realize you just want to be your decent self to be with someone, letting them go is not that hard.

[hockeyboy]

Some of these qualities about these guys, I'd agree, are not good. Others, I don't see a problem with (i.e liking football, nice cars etc).

 

Regardless, why are you even thinking about the men your exes are now dating? I don't really get this. Worry about yourself...and what you've learned from your past relationships (about yourself) and what you want to make improvements on.

[Steve 7745]

Some of these qualities about these guys, I'd agree, are not good. Others, I don't see a problem with (i.e liking football, nice cars etc).

 

Regardless, why are you even thinking about the men your exes are now dating? I don't really get this. Worry about yourself...and what you've learned from your past relationships (about yourself) and what you want to make improvements on.

 

Sometimes when you see the true cost of achieving something, it's surprisingly easier to let go. In fact, it's almost instant relief. If I was at work, I'd be laughing out loud because of how I feel this minute.

 

How many women on this board are glad they're not the skank their ex cheated on them with?

[Aver]

How many women on this board are glad they're not the skank their ex cheated on them with?

 

I know I am! That was nasty. And my moronic ex is miserable with his new girl

[Steve 7745]

I know I am! That was nasty. And my moronic ex is miserable with his new girl

 

Hahahah! Nice!

[starlight40]

Just a little rant to dwell on, but when you come to realize you just want to be your decent self to be with someone, letting them go is not that hard.

 

^i like this statement very much.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I know I am! That was nasty. And my moronic ex is miserable with his new girl

 

But, I think we tend to look for the bad in the person that they date next.

 

We don't see what our ex's see in them. They're with them for some reason. Can't be that bad of a person.

 

Also, I don't agree with judging a person based on who they date.

[Aver]

It's very true that we look for the bad. I could go on a long rant about how I'm such a better catch. I actually met her once and she seemed like a very nice girl. The reason I say he's miserable with his new girl is because he cheated on her. With me! I didn't know they were together until I got an e-mail from her asking me about him. He was trying to get back together with me the entire time they were together. Very sad. I refuse to talk to him under any circumstance now.

 

I feel really bad for her, because I know he'll do it again and I know she's stayed with him. I did the same thing, though, and it's not my place to judge.

[Steve 7745]

But, I think we tend to look for the bad in the person that they date next.

 

We don't see what our ex's see in them. They're with them for some reason. Can't be that bad of a person.

 

Also, I don't agree with judging a person based on who they date.

 

I'm sorry, but if a person's girlfriend was a prostitute, I would seriously consider avoiding that person. If a girl's boyfriend was a drug dealer, I would probably do my best to avoid contact with him, and if I couldn't, I would be forced to drop her as a friend if only to protect myself.

 

Sometimes our exs don't see them for who they are. Too many people are blinded by attraction to make rational decisions. And if they would subject themselves to violent situations or let their children hang around druggers, then for the sake of myself, parting ways was for the best.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm sorry, but if a person's girlfriend was a prostitute, I would seriously consider avoiding that person. If a girl's boyfriend was a drug dealer, I would probably do my best to avoid contact with him, and if I couldn't, I would be forced to drop her as a friend if only to protect myself.

 

Sometimes our exs don't see them for who they are. Too many people are blinded by attraction to make rational decisions. And if they would subject themselves to violent situations or let their children hang around druggers, then for the sake of myself, parting ways was for the best.

 

Yeah, but neither of those flings you had went on to date prostitutes nor drug dealers. They seem like good enough people. You are only focusing on the bad to justify the person breaking up with you as having bad judgement and bad taste in men.

[Steve 7745]

Yeah, but neither of those flings you had went on to date prostitutes nor drug dealers. They seem like good enough people. You are only focusing on the bad to justify the person breaking up with you as having bad judgement and bad taste in men.

 

This seems a very valid method to get over them. I can recall a few stories where the girl got upset and ran off to sleep with a homeless dude as her rebound if you'd like.

[Karmageddon]

I think all he is saying is that seeing who your ex choose to date after the fact can be very telling. Most of us don't get to see who they dated before us & maybe if we could perhaps we would have taken a pass...LOL!

[Steve 7745]

I think all he is saying is that seeing who your ex choose to date after the fact can be very telling. Most of us don't get to see who they dated before us & maybe if we could perhaps we would have taken a pass...LOL!

 

Well. For the single mother, the guy before me was the father of her child. He was a professional tattoo artist who was abusive, they would get into arguments and then have unprotected sex. She got pregnant and hope he would change- about 5 months into it, they got into another argument and he slugged her right into the stomach.

 

Afterwards, while he was away, she started cheating on him after she found all these links to gay porn sites on his computer. When her baby was finally born, she and the child ran away 10 days later.

 

The model relationship. Still, that was a year before she met me, so I gave her the benefit of a doubt. Perhaps that was my mistake.

[Clarity]

Although this may work as a coping mechanism for you, I don't think it's completely healthy behaviour. It actually smacks of insecurity (comparing oneself to others in order to feel better about oneself).

 

Why worry about who your ex's dated afterwards? If you are comfortable with who, what, and where you are - you should just want your ex's to be happy and if they are in a decent relationship, they probably are. *Everyone* has their faults, someone from the outside looking in could probably give a true description of you or I that could make us sound like lousy BF material, but what good would that do?

 

Like I said, this may help you as a coping mechanism during difficult times, but I think the key to happiness is focusing on yourself. You'll be in a better place when you could care less who your Ex is dating (unless she is in danger, etc.).

 

All the best.

[Steve 7745]

Why bother? No matter who you are, you feel insecurity from being rejected. But seeing the impaired judgment of others makes you realize that the judge who saw fit to break up with you wasn't the wisest.

 

Judging others is a defense mechanism. Women do it everyday when they meet someone who gives them uncomfortable anxiety, preferring not to talk to a sketchy character. Finally, I think that hoping for someone's happiness is overly optimistic. They voided my interest in seeing them happy when they ended it.

 

You're talking like the dumper Clarity, not the dumpee. And I am tired of people sprouting on and on about the eventual state of everyone is to "be happy". We were made to feel all ranges of emotion which include love, hate, and apathy. People who attempt to force one emotion upon themselves at all times are destructive. We need to feel anger, sorrow, sadness and fear before we can feel acceptance.

 

So spare me the hippie "Love and peace" happiness crap.

[Clarity]

Like I said, use it as a coping mechanism when you need to in your "anger, sorrow, sadness" phase. I'm just saying that I don't see it as a healthy thing to do persistently.

 

I was the dumpee too, but I can honestly say that I want nothing but for my Ex to be happy - even though she wants to be with me now, which is not something I want, I do want for her to find someone that makes her happy. I'm probably just in a further phase than you are, you may get there eventually. Also, I wasn't cheated on or anything like that, and it was a very serious and long relationship, so I definitely can't relate to a relationship that ended on very bad terms, or something that was more of a fling than a LTR.

 

I'm sorry if what I said is not what you wanted to hear right now, I know how being dumped feels and the range of emotions it can entail, trust me. There are better days ahead.

[browneyedgirl36]

I see both perspectives, here. It is definitely human nature to feel a broad spectrum of emotions, as the OP pointed out, and it's entirely normal to make comparisons with and judgements about the ex's "new person" as a coping mechanism when we are experiencing grief over the loss of a relationship. I also see Clarity's point it's not a healthy state to be in perpetually, as these comparisons and judgements may serve us for awhile, but if we don't draw a line somewhere, we could become mired in resentment, unable to forgive and move forward.

 

It's funny, my most recent ex went back to his previous ex, and I haven't really found myself making these comparisons or judgements. I know very little about her, really, and I prefer to keep it that way. The only comparison I have made is that she has disappeared from his life and hurt him repeatedly, whereas I have never done that to him, but I think a lot of that has to do with HIM and his inability to have solid relationships --not just who she is. Frankly, I'd rather not know anything about her OR think about her -- but that's just me.

 

I'm at the point where, while I want him to be happy, I wish it was with me, not her. Someday I hope to get to the point where I can be happy for him no matter what, but I'm not quite there yet.