Anxiety over marital problems

[Odysseus]

I'm really anxious today about the current state of my marriage. I've got a individual therapy appointment at 4:00 (2.5 hours away), but I'm bordering on depression.

 

If anyone can just say they are out there. I'm feeling really alone right now.

[John Bendix]

Odysseus,

 

There are people out here willing to listen and respond to you.

 

Sometimes the anxiety builds too much and overwhems. But realize that it will pass. It is fleeting unless you keep creating it over and over again. It is not a part of you or your persona.

 

PM me anytime if you want.

[tangi39]

What are you so upset about ?

[Odysseus]

Odysseus,

 

There are people out here willing to listen and respond to you.

 

Sometimes the anxiety builds too much and overwhems. But realize that it will pass. It is fleeting unless you keep creating it over and over again. It is not a part of you or your persona.

 

PM me anytime if you want.

 

I'm working on it. At work for the time being, but I may leave early and try to meditate. Don't know what else is going to help at this point.

[Odysseus]

What are you so upset about ?

 

Work to be done in my marriage. Right now (per other posts) I'm squarely on the side of my marriage not working out. I've been in therapy for two years, and my wife is getting treatment for her BPD,and making progress. I've forgiven her, but...I don't know if I can trust her again.

 

We are talking about years and years of emotional abuse I took. I don't know if I'll ever truly love this woman again, no matter what she does. We have a new round of couples therapy starting Tuesday.

 

I was so isolated and alone in our marriage for all those years....without the one person closest to me to confide in about my feelings.

[tina-rocks]

I'm here too!

[Odysseus]

I'm here too!

 

Thank you Tina.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sending good thoughts your way.

 

Hang in there...

[redhearts]

Lets play some mental checkers, haha.

 

Try thinking of other thoughts, or the good times.=]

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hope the counseling goes well. Abusive relationships put people through the ringer and cause the distress you are feeling now. Your feelings are understandable.

[Whiskers]

If you want to talk, moan or even rant, feel free to message...hope therapy goes well.

 

XXXX

[tangi39]

My advice to you is this- Stay calm. And go into cousneling without any expectations. You say you've already chosen a side.

What if you didn't ?

Would you be willing to keep a more open mind ?

Not saying things would definitely work out, but maybe you'll at least stay more postive and maybe save yourself a little anxiety.

[kuhl282000]

without the one person closest to me to confide in about my feelings.

 

I feel your pain and confusion ......I felt the same way

 

Just a few kind and compassionate words would have and could have made all the difference .......

 

Their does not have to be an ending .....unless you want it. Mine ended and now I'm regreting it. Choose wisely .....

[Odysseus]

without the one person closest to me to confide in about my feelings.

 

I feel your pain and confusion ......I felt the same way

 

Just a few kind and compassionate words would have and could have made all the difference .......

 

Their does not have to be an ending .....unless you want it. Mine ended and now I'm regreting it. Choose wisely .....

 

I don't know your story, but were you and your SO compatible? I'm really starting to understand how compatibility, romantic and long term love interconnect, at least for me.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have regrets. It's no way to go through life, and it hurts.

[Odysseus]

My advice to you is this- Stay calm. And go into cousneling without any expectations. You say you've already chosen a side.

What if you didn't ?

Would you be willing to keep a more open mind ?

Not saying things would definitely work out, but maybe you'll at least stay more postive and maybe save yourself a little anxiety.

 

Thanks. I've kept an open mind for the last year and half while I went through therapy. We've done things together, taken trips with the kids, and established a new level of communication.

 

During therapy Tuesday, I'm going to have to say some really hard things:

- Was not able to have sex with her without fantasizing about other people since before I can remember

- Not able to do things socially with her anymore. I can't take the embarrassment of the behavior her insecurities/personality bring out. She constantly "gives is all away" socially, and although I can be quite sociable, I'm a quiet, introspective person.

- Basically, don't believe I will ever want to initiate love making with her because I don't love her and we are incompatible in too many areas.

 

As I've stated in other threads, I've never been right with casual sex. Some folks I know have advised the "fake it til you make it". No possible with me now. And now with the therapy I've gotten, It's obvious that the only meaningful intimacy I'll ever have will be with someone I'm in love with and committed to.

 

I'm neither with her. I respect my wife for being herself, I just don't like her anymore, and I don't think I have for a long time. This has been an absolutely HORRIBLE thing to live with and realize about my marriage, but I can't live a lie anymore.

[tina-rocks]

You are doing the right thing. Better to express these feelings than repress them and it sounds like you have bottled them for far too long already.

 

I will keep my fingers crossed the session on Tuesday goes OK. Try to be brave.

 

Im still here

 

 

Tina

[Odysseus]

So here's the long and short of it.

 

My wife and I had it out Sunday night, after a day together with the kids at a local water park. I was really ready to throw in the towell, and we fought on and off most of the night about all the things we'd done to each other (her emotional abuse, my affair). Finally, at about 1:00AM or so, we started talking.

 

I explained that our relationship prior to my going off the friggin' deep end with this OW really made me feel isolated and lonely. That I was married to her, but eventually, afraid to bring up my feelings on things knowing how she would react. She knows she was like this, so not a lot of argument about this. I've basically forgiven her for this, because there's either anger and resentment or forgiveness in life, and I choose forgiveness.

 

She told me how much the affair hurt her when she found out, but understood why I didn't tell her in the beginning. She knows what she might have done back then, and that things could have gotten ugly.

 

We then it got to the issue of compatibility. Her an insecure extrovert, me a confident introvert. Neither one of us really can deny these things. We talked about other compatibility problems, my need for intimacy, and how I didn't want that with her anymore. At that point, we tried to get some sleep.

 

The next morning we decided that regardless how therapy went, our kids are the No. 1 priority, which meant that we needed to stay together long enough for her to finish her Physician's Assistant degree before an split would happen. We shook hands on it.

 

Therapy session Tuesday night conitinued the conversation. At least now, we can talk to one another about real marital issues without her becoming defensive and throwing up a lot of anger and insecurities. We are making progress, but towards what I don't know. I'm at least at more peace with my life while we figure things out.