bittertea Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Hi, newbie here and not sure where this should go (there are alot of categories here but I assume general would be safe. I'm glad I found this place because I really need to voice this before I go insane. Story is; I'm pretty certain I've formed an unhealthy, almost obsessive preoccupation with someone on a forum (not this one!) I've been a member at this particular forum for over a year. I've made friendships with a couple of people there but with this one girl, a very close one. We chat on the board daily and we've sent each other things (we live in different countries). We've never spoken to each other. We've never exchanged pictures. But in a year, we've both gone through some personal stuff (me: breakup with bf / her: bf issues) and the support we've given each other have been just enormous. And we've become (at least I think so) very close because of this which is great. Problem? you say --well not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I can't get thru the day without communicating with her. It's becoming a bit too much. So recently, I decided to pull back a bit on the board. I sort of made up an excuse and said I needed some time away from the computer. Now a week's gone by and I haven't heard from her and it's making me nuts. Yes i know, it's my doing. But I just find it odd that she hasn't even sent me ONE email to make sure all is ok. And now I feel like crap and it's all my fault. I'm all discombobulated over this whole thing and can't think straight. I've even considered just letting it go (disappearing from the boards) if I don't hear from her. It's the easy way out, isn't it? Any insights to my insanity would be much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Welcome to eNotAlone It seems you are too much invested with this person not the forum as such (which is why I moved this thread to 'friendship and friends) If the last thing she heard from you was that you needed time away from the computer - don't you think the reason she isn't contacting you is to respect what you said? I think it more likely she is waiting to hear from you and is wondering why she hasn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Wow I never thought something like that could happen. The kinds of feelings you're feeling towards this friend, I only (sometimes) feel for a SO. You really see her only as a 'friend'? I'm not judging or anything, just curious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 15, 2008 Author Share Posted August 15, 2008 Thanks for the welcome and for redirecting this. If the last thing she heard from you was that you needed time away from the computer - don't you think the reason she isn't contacting you is to respect what you said? I think it more likely she is waiting to hear from you and is wondering why she hasn't. I don't know I suppose? You're right about being too invested in this one person. And is it wrong to want to rectify that? I mean is it awful of me to want to pull away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 15, 2008 Author Share Posted August 15, 2008 Wow I never thought something like that could happen. The kinds of feelings you're feeling towards this friend, I only (sometimes) feel for a SO. You really see her only as a 'friend'? I'm not judging or anything, just curious! Yeah, I don't think I have any "romantic" feelings toward her if that's what you're asking. But your point is well taken, it seems a bit extreme the feelings I'm having for a forum friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jojesse Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Do you have other close friends IRL you are in daily contact with? It might just be that you are lonely and need to feel a connection with someone and somehow she fills that void. I think then your obsession would decline when you make more connections with other friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 15, 2008 Author Share Posted August 15, 2008 Do you have other close friends IRL you are in daily contact with? Yeah, I have close friends IRL that I talk to everyday too. But idk, it feels different. It's funny you ask that because why is it I can't talk to my IRL friends about this obsession? Hmm. I'm sure you are right about her filling some void --wish I knew what that void is so I can overcome it! I really don't feel lonely. However I do have alot of time alone during the day as I work at home. Ahhh, I'm just feeling particularly sad this week since we haven't talked at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shyguy24 Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 You obviously connect with her . Just send her a message that , how is she doing and everything is good with her, just normal hello's ..then see how it goes . Maybe she feels that you need sometime off and stuff and thats the reason that she has not mailed or anything. Also it depends if she knows or feels the same way you do ...my suggestion just mail her and then if everything goes good or otherwise do update on THIS FORUM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks for your advice. Yes, I have gone back and contacted her. I suppose it's back to status quo. Which is not a bad thing but I still have this obsessive tendency towards her -LOL. Maybe it's just MY problem. Annoyingly, I don't understand why it's like this for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daegas Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks for your advice. Yes, I have gone back and contacted her. I suppose it's back to status quo. Which is not a bad thing but I still have this obsessive tendency towards her -LOL. Maybe it's just MY problem. Annoyingly, I don't understand why it's like this for me. Been there, done that. Your in love, just not romantic love, but attachment love and a light dash of romantic love. Your like a puppy dog without his mother, so you scratch at the door. Fortunately it is easier to let go than pure romantic love. Just stay away from her (in your case you can keep the communication one-sided - send a message saying how you are, don't respond to her message until 5 days later to keep yourself in control). Also you need to get your thoughts off her, so focus by doing other stuff. It's going to take time tough. It takes willpower...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 I think you might have hit the nail on the proverbial head. I'm going to follow your advice but know it's going to be extremely difficult. I just hope I have that kind of discipline/willpower. Ack, it's gonna suck!!! Going cold turkey.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Daegas - so you really think that message from her after an extended period of no communication is as you said - I interpret the message as her saying: "Hey, you have been absent for quite a long time without telling me in advance you would be. I am wondering if everything is alright because I am worried about you". I think it is rather cute of her to write it in such a manner. I seriously took it differently and almost on the contrary. But you may be right because that's totally like her. Idk why I read it the other way. I just don't know how to respond now. I suppose nonchalantly is the way to go. I was ready to tell her to piss off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daegas Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Yes, I interpret it as that. Are you afraid of getting hurt by her not caring enough and going away, so that now you are going away (or creating more distance between you two) in order to not get hurt so much if that happens? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ColdHands... Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 I'm all discombobulated over this whole thing and can't think straight. Respect for using that word hope everything works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Are you afraid of getting hurt by her not caring enough and going away, so that now you are going away (or creating more distance between you two) in order to not get hurt so much if that happens? Idk, maybe. Maybe I'm pushing her away because I feel it's not going to end up well and I can lessen the hurt by accelerating the inevitable end. Wow, that sounds really * * * * ty of me. ouch. Yeah, ColdHands ....when you're discombobulated, there's no other word that describes it better :sad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daegas Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Idk, maybe. Maybe I'm pushing her away because I feel it's not going to end up well and I can lessen the hurt by accelerating the inevitable end. Wow, that sounds really * * * * ty of me. ouch. Yeah, ColdHands ....when you're discombobulated, there's no other word that describes it better of why you are doing what you do; don't you feel that if you get your emotions under control that you can still have enjoyable chats with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bittertea Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Regardless of why you are doing what you do; don't you feel that if you get your emotions under control that you can still have enjoyable chats with her? Yes I definitely do! Maybe I'm just being a bit too insecure about the whole thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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