All The Right Reasons?

[missbexxi]

Not really sure what section I should put this post under, because it's about a relationship, but really about breakups too, so here goes.

 

I'm just about to turn 17 and have been with my current boyfriend for 2 years and a couple of months. He's 17 aswell, 6 months odd older than me.

 

Now before you start getting all prejudice at our age, we've been through alot together. I was raped last october and attempted suicide, Josh (bf) has stuck by me through it all, manic depression, constant moodswings, and aborted pregnancy and having to put up with rumours about infidelity on my part. They were ONLY rumours.

 

Although we have been through alot and I should be so grateful for having such a good friend sticking by me, I'm just not happy anymore. There were times when I wanted to die at the thought of losing him, but now that I'm finally getting through depression and seeing the light at the end, I'm starting to feel unsatisfied. Am I just asking for too much?

 

It's not major issues that I'm upset about, it's just that, I'm a very emotional person and Josh is practically dead inside. I've asked Josh about his past, how many girls he's kissed and so on, and he's very secretive about it. I'm not jealous that he's had girlfriends before, I'm just upset that I've shared so much with him and he can't share such a small subject with me. What makes it worse I suppose is that, his friends always bring up people he's been with before in front of me, a few of whom used to be close friends of mine. It took me by surprise and would have much rathered found out from Josh himself. I've always been open about my past, FFS I went to him when I got raped, I'm sure I could handle a few ex gfs.

 

 

I brought up the subject of a breakup the other night, and he had nothing to say, he didn't ask to me stay, he didn't say sorry about being so secretive. Am I just being petty?

 

I feel like I'm only staying with him because I've got no-one else, it's like, I'm only staying with him because of what we've been through, that's not the right reasons is it?

 

Advice please,

[ghost69]

he doesn't open up at all? and when you brought up breaking up he had nothing to say?

 

sorry, but he's not that into you.

[DN]

I think it is very unfair to talk of him as being emotionally dead inside because he doesn't want to discuss his ex-girlfriends with you. It is his decision to share or not to share and it is just as normal to prefer to keep those things private as it is to discuss them. He has no need as you do to share - in fact, he may have a need to keep things private.

 

This is someone who has supported you through a horrible experience, stood by you and believed you. And now that you are recovering from that, partly because of his steadfast help, you are considering dumping him because he has a different set of needs than you do. So yes, I do think you are being very petty.

 

If you want to dump him because you don't love him that is the way things happen sometimes. If that is the case, you should admit it to him and to yourself and not make him out to be somehow at fault because he isn't like you.

[shikashika]

do you have anyone else to talk with aside from him? I think that would be very helpful!

[serendipity211]

You have to keep in mind guys dont always feel comfortable talking about their ex's/past relationships, especially with they're current girlfriend. 1) they arent the best at expression they're emotions, period 2) he might feel uncomfortable talking about with you because he may feel it will burden you or make you more paranoid/jealous (which he doesnt want)

so try to give him so leaway in that-- b/c i dealt with that with my ex--and due to bad past experience with his girlfriends, he never opened up to me either

 

The part about breaking up--why did YOU suggest breaking up in the first place? think about why you did it, you might realize you dont actually have feelings for him, that you're just greatful that hes been there and you want him to stay by your side b/c he's been there all along, and you're use to it, it keeps you feeling safe. Do you actually care for him like a boyfriend? Someone you could see a future with? If not, then you might have been with him for the wrong reasons.

 

As for his response-- you definitely need to talk to him about it. Communication is key in any relationship. Although you may not want to face it, you might want to consider that he hasnt responded b/c HE has realized he's been there for you as a friend, but he does not have the same feelings a BOYFRIEND should have for a girlfriend, maybe he just didnt know how to break it to you because you have been through so much, and he doesnt want to hurt you.

 

Sometimes when people spend so much time together, so closely, a closer relationship is bound to happen (ie. going out), but you have to consider after all this chaos that you have been through, will you guys still have that connection as a couple? Or was it just the troubled times that brought you guys close and thats it? Its ok to have a past together, and stay close friends. You just dont want to make the mistake of turning your best friend into a lover, unless you really truly care about him that way.

[Zeitgeist]

This is pretty much what I had to say. Also, you should consider the possibility that with everything he went through for you, he may have put up walls to protect himself from the emotional turmoil you went through. This might make him emotionally unavailable, at least to you. You must realize that what you went through had an effect on him, right?