Separation

[Odysseus]

I've made up my mind to talk to my wife about separating. I can't in good conscience stay in the house when I don't want to commit to our relationship. I'm hoping that should we separate, the time away from each other will cement what we need to do next.

 

Has anyone else worked through this type of separation recently? Any advice? This is been a tough decision. I'm talking with my therapist about it tomorrow.

[IMAbadman]

May I ask why you don't want to commit to the relationship?

[Odysseus]

May I ask why you don't want to commit to the relationship?

 

I don't love her. I've don't know if I ever loved her the way a husband should and I know this has hurt her. I've forgiven her for the 16 years of emotional and verbal abuse (BPD), but in the end, I just have no emotional connection to her. I mean, I care about her welfare, but there hasn't been romance or passion in our life for YEARS! Even before things fell apart 2 years ago. I came back because she got treatment, but it's as if I...just...lost my commitment. Not to my kids, but to her.

 

Is it fair to either of us for me to keep her hanging like this? This is what we'll talk about in therapy next Tuesday I guess.

[IMAbadman]

I’m assuming you two have tired counseling or are currently going to counseling?

 

No, I guess it's not fair. I think you need to express this and discuss it with her. Hopefully in the therapy environment it will be a productive discussion.

[redhearts]

The sooner the better, no one ever said life was easy.

[Odysseus]

We've been in and out of counseling for the last two years. Individually and as a couple. We spoke tonight for a while, but I didn't get into everything with her. I have a therapy session tomorrow to help me organize my feelings before the couples therapy.

[Circe]

Well, maybe some time apart will help?

 

I'm on the camp that doesn't believe BPD is a real disorder and that it's just a way to classify people with very low emotional intelligence. But emotional intelligence can be learned and improved as time goes on. I'm surprised IC has not helped at all? Perhaps she needs to experiment with different therapists?

 

I would say don't break your commitment unless you are sure that there is no way that things can get better. But perhaps a short trial separation would be good for you both to give you some breathing space and to figure out how to best approach this?

[John Bendix]

Indigo,

 

Just curious. How is anything classified as a disorder? How is emotional intelligence gauged? How is it calibrated as low? Are other forms of clinical depression simply just poorly learned patterns of emotional responses?

 

I see that we all suffer from emotional dysfunction but do so to differing degrees. Anytime it reaches a point where it is recognized by the medical community as severely affecting that person's life, and is repeated by others, it is given a name.

[Circe]

Indigo,

 

Just curious. How is anything classified as a disorder? How is emotional intelligence gauged? How is it calibrated as low? Are other forms of clinical depression simply just poorly learned patterns of emotional responses?

 

I see that we all suffer from emotional dysfunction but do so to differing degrees. Anytime it reaches a point where it is recognized by the medical community as severely affecting that person's life, and is repeated by others, it is given a name.

 

Well other disorders generally involve changes to the ways the neurons in your brains ordinarily behave and respond..

 

BPD is only given a name by some of the medical profession - then there's the other camp who don't recognise those symptoms as a disorder and don't believe that BPD is a helpful way to label or categorise people.

[Odysseus]

Well other disorders generally involve changes to the ways the neurons in your brains ordinarily behave and respond..

 

BPD is only given a name by some of the medical profession - then there's the other camp who don't recognise those symptoms as a disorder and don't believe that BPD is a helpful way to label or categorise people.

 

My therapist has never told me my wife is BPD. We've signed consents that our two therapists and update each other, since we did joint therapy with both at the same time.

 

What my therapist has told me is that she has borderline tendencies...and we've agreed that really severe emotional abuse happened in our relationship. Gas lighting, guilt, accusations, denial, control. I could go into this, but it really was...tearing up here...terrible.

 

Whatever her personality issues were, they were devastating to our marriage. I truly thought at some points that I was out of my mind. (she'd say really hurtful, aweful things, then deny saying it later telling me it never happened). So call it what you want, it sucked the life out of me.

 

My therapy session yesterday went well. Thanks everyone for your input.

[whereverugo]

I'm curious - is the OW back in the picture. You responded to me once and told me she was long gone and that you found respect for your marriage. Is she back?

[Odysseus]

I'm curious - is the OW back in the picture. You responded to me once and told me she was long gone and that you found respect for your marriage. Is she back?

 

Nope. She's out of the picture.

[tina-rocks]

I hope everything is OK for you. I know you were struggling with the whole situation with your wife and the therapy and having to say such harsh things.

 

Really hope you were able to sort this our for your sake.

 

Tina

[Odysseus]

I hope everything is OK for you. I know you were struggling with the whole situation with your wife and the therapy and having to say such harsh things.

 

Really hope you were able to sort this our for your sake.

 

Tina

 

It's been a long two weeks. We just got home from a vacation (holiday) in northern Wisconsin at a lake. Cottage, etc.

 

My kids had a good time, but my wife and I had several difficult discussions about our future. I want to be with my kids right now, but at times, its really difficult to be together with her.

 

She is looking all the time for hope...reaching out. I'm not there. I can comfort her, but even that feels wrong because I don't want to send the wrong signal...that things have changed. We talked about this, and decided to try and make a truce and keep going to therapy.

 

At the same time I'm training for a marathon and my miles are climbing (tomorrow 16) and I'm get anxious about the pain of the end of these runs. The 15 miler last Sunday was brutal.

 

Now back at home...with a million things to do on the new house. I don't know if I can ever just live in a loveless marriage. Can I do it for the next two years...until she is finished with school?. I guess we'll find out.

[tina-rocks]

Wow!

 

You are really suffering. Is there nothing you can do to make it easier for yourself?

[Odysseus]

Wow!

 

You are really suffering. Is there nothing you can do to make it easier for yourself?

 

I think the only thing I can do is just tough this out. The running goal is something that has really helped me remain focused on something else, but I can't run 24/7.

 

I still do have a lot of guilty feelings for the affair/OW, but the issues with my wife are quite a separate thing. If it wasn't for my children, I would have struck a deal with her by now and separated.

 

Children change everything. I love them so much...but at the same time, I can't imagine staying in the marriage if I can't find the peace, happiness and intimacy I've identified I need. I wonder...has ANYONE here stayed in their marriage as, basically, partners but not lovers? For their kids? For the money? I guess it depends on the person. I'm just a really emotional and passionate person. I need intimate love in the relationship or I think I'm selling myself short in life.

 

Thanks for listening tina.