Not sure what to do....

[whitney0818]

I'm new here, and I just need some feedback from someone other than family and friends.

 

My husband and I are both 23 years old, and have been married almost 3 years. He's in the Army, and has been gone more than he has been home since we have been married, but that has never been an issue up until now. Upon coming home from his recent deployment in March, I noticed him spending more time working on his car, playing paintball with friends, and going out drinking. I really didn't let that get to me, it does take time to readjust, and I was fine with that.

 

Lately, we had been bickering over things such as finances and him never being home or wanting to spend any time with just me. I have always been the one to take care of bills, housework, and whatever needs that he may have. He has never gave me any indication he was unhappy.

 

This past Friday he came home and was very distant. I asked him what was wrong he said 'nothing'. I know him better than that, so I asked him to be honest with me, because communication is key right? He said he wanted to take a drive with me, and we'd talk about it somewhere other then the house. My parents were in town that weekend, so he ddn't want them to be in he middle of it I guess. Well, when we were driving he stopped at a dead end road and took a deep breath and said he needed a break. I was honestly not shocked by this. I asked him if he wanted to just completely end this marriage (maybe I shouldn't have but I did), he said no. He said he was still in love with me, just needed some alone time. So, I said okay, and he dropped me back at the house and left for a friends. Over the weekend I had no contact with him. Sunday night comes around and he text me that he's coming to the house to get clothes. I said okay, and asked if we could talk. He said he wasn't sure. I was like okay, that's fine, but we do need to talk about this eventually. And then he said "I'm done, I can't do this anymore."

 

I am honestly confused. For a man to change so quickly, I only feel like there is something more to this than what he wants me to know. I even asked if he was cheating on me, and he said he wasn't. He said he just wasn't happy at the moment. He said he loved me, but was falling out of love with me. I don't know what to think. He won't talk to me, other then text me to ask how our DOG is. That makes me mad. It seems like all he is concerned about is the DOG.

 

He's put me in a big predicament. I can't live in the house, and I have no one in this town. I quit my job and moved back to my parents home because of this. We just bought a brand new home a year ago, and a new vehicle a month ago. He says he doesn't want the car, but wants to keep the house. I had one more semester of school left down there, and now if I want to be able to finish I have to commute 4.5 hours each way, two times a week. I'm at a loss. I know this hasn't even been a week yet since this happened, but I just needed to get an outsiders opinion. I've already went to talk to a lawyer, and he told me to not rush into anything.

 

I guess my biggest issue is that he always told me if things got so bad that he or I wanted to leave, that we'd seek marital counseling. I asked him if he wanted to do that, his response was no. What should I do? I don't communicate with him unless he text me. We have talked once on the phone and he was in a rush to figure out what to do with the household items. It's like he's trying so hard to move on from this so quick, and it hurts.

 

Thanks for your time....

[notsoanonymous]

I can't really offer advice, but I do understand why you are so confused. Without the marriage part I am going through the exact same thing - even with his asking about the dog!

 

Go get counseling for yourself, girly - and take care of YOU first and foremost.

[kaoticbaby]

i can't fathom the reason he would need "time away" from the relationship when he is ALWAYS away from it. so i would know right away that a break wasn't the answer.

 

i'm sorry about how you are feeling. it must be tough, and i feel like he is being a little selfish. why does he want the house when he is barely ever in it? for one thing.

 

but you guys did get married when you were only 20 years old. at that time in his life he probably didn't get all his partying out yet. i think it's over between you for good, and you need to focus on moving on.

 

hopefully you eventually find someone who will always have time for you, not someone you can only see a few months out of the year.

[Catdancer]

OK...the house and car are marital property. You BOTH own half of the debt and or equity. If he wants the house, he buys you out. I WOULD NOT move out until this is settled!! You need a place to live, you live in the house and drive the car until a separation agreement is signed, notarized and in place.

 

Now, he can come and get some things that you'll need to divide TOGETHER, but the house, you stay in.

[whitney0818]

OK...the house and car are marital property. You BOTH own half of the debt and or equity. If he wants the house, he buys you out. I WOULD NOT move out until this is settled!! You need a place to live, you live in the house and drive the car until a separation agreement is signed, notarized and in place.

 

Now, he can come and get some things that you'll need to divide TOGETHER, but the house, you stay in.

 

 

The problem is, I can't fathom staying in that house right now. Too many things remind me of HIM, and right now, it's not what I need. I'm working with a real estate attorney also to see if he can get my name off the house deed, or if my husband can buy my part out like you had mentioned. Or if we can do a quick sale on the house and just be done with it. I'm just looking at my options right now, and not jumping the gun.

 

Another thing, my husband told me on Sunday he was going to file for a legal separation on Monday, but how will I know that he has done that? I'm so lost in this.

[Catdancer]

The problem is, I can't fathom staying in that house right now. Too many things remind me of HIM, and right now, it's not what I need. I'm working with a real estate attorney also to see if he can get my name off the house deed, or if my husband can buy my part out like you had mentioned. Or if we can do a quick sale on the house and just be done with it. I'm just looking at my options right now, and not jumping the gun.

 

Another thing, my husband told me on Sunday he was going to file for a legal separation on Monday, but how will I know that he has done that? I'm so lost in this.

 

He will either try to do it himself, which would not be a good idea, or he'll see an attorney and have one drawn up. If you have an attorney, they will mail a draft of the separation agreement to your attorney. If you dont have an attorney, they will mail the draft to you at your residence. I would definitely advise you to retain an attorney. Dont just see one, RETAIN one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Was he deployed in Iraq or Afghanastan? It is not uncommon for people who have seen horrific things to come back completely changed. Working on a car is a "solo activity"...paintball is a "stress releasing" activity and drinking is a "forgetting about life activity". Have his friends also been in the army and deployed? I really doubt that this is about you...this is really about him and something he may have gone through. There is not much you can do because he is not interested in confiding in you. The only thing you can do is pick up the pieces and move on with your life. Get help from your parents and your friends...you will need a lot of support at this time. It is not an easy thing to go through especially since you don't understand why it all changed. This is about him.

[whitney0818]

Was he deployed in Iraq or Afghanastan? It is not uncommon for people who have seen horrific things to come back completely changed. Working on a car is a "solo activity"...paintball is a "stress releasing" activity and drinking is a "forgetting about life activity". Have his friends also been in the army and deployed? I really doubt that this is about you...this is really about him and something he may have gone through. There is not much you can do because he is not interested in confiding in you. The only thing you can do is pick up the pieces and move on with your life. Get help from your parents and your friends...you will need a lot of support at this time. It is not an easy thing to go through especially since you don't understand why it all changed. This is about him.

 

Yes, he was deployed to Afghanistan twice in two years. He could never tell me what went on over there due to the high security type job he has, so he never really let me in on that. All his friends are in the Army, they are older and divorced themselves. I'm afraid that most of his friends are telling him that divorce is the easy way out and it's better to be single. Again, this could have to do with his age too.

[redhearts]

Not all military people come back different my friend has been deployed there many times, its not to blame it on that, but his current surroundings. Such as his friends or mostly himself. He probably didn't have that opportunity to party and go out all the time because he was too busy with you so he misses the single life of which he never really had.