Advice for adding value to myself…

[ramsickle1369]

I apparently have low self esteem, but I really like myself and am confident in my abilities. It appears that the men I meet do not seem to think that I’m worth the time and effort to see me. Seems to me that no man wants to make any effort at all…! They are all over me saying how sexy I am and what not (seriously, I’m only average but I have a great figure and am a fun sweet person.) I am outgoing and love many things that guys like, like football and outdoor activities (and sex!). The guy friends that I do have tell me how the men I meet aren’t ready for me and that I deserve better. Somehow, even the one’s I’m just barely meeting say stupid things and then disappear. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong, if anything. My friend is always getting flowers and presents and being taken on trips from guys she has just met. They seem to fall in love with her immediately. She is quite good at making people feel good, and tells me that I am too, and yet—here I am-- forever alone.

 

I guess my request is for advice on what to do to make myself feel valued and make a guy I like actually make the effort to want to see me. I guess I am too easy going and will easily meet somewhere or even go to his house. Is this really the wrong thing to do? Does a woman HAVE to be difficult to get a man to make an effort? I just don’t understand this at all.

 

Even my ex-husband made very little effort in the beginning and I didn’t have any problem at all going out to his house which was 30 miles away. This lack of effort was something that ultimately caused our divorce—and my issues now. I never felt important to him. I guess that’s the bottom line. I never feel important to the guy I like, even when I was married to him! What do I do about this? I don’t have a clue.

 

Please help.

[george237]

To me it doesn't sound like your confidence is that low. You are able to meet new people and you feel good about your looks and personality.

 

Are you making yourself seem approachable by men? Did you ever try and make the first move?

[george237]

As for not feeling important that is an issue that you have to resolve. Try talking to someone.

[ImThatGirl]

How would you say you come accross to these men?

 

Do you seem like the "fun girl?"

Do you seem like the girl that has goals and plans?

 

Are you overly available when they do contact you? Do you have too much spare time or do you have a busy schedule?

 

I don't know if it's so much as low self esteem as lower standards for how men should treat you. You sell yourself short for some reason or another. Is it possible that you are very much hoping for a serious relationship so you try to be as little complicated as possible?

[ramsickle1369]

To me it doesn't sound like your confidence is that low. You are able to meet new people and you feel good about your looks and personality.

 

Are you making yourself seem approachable by men? Did you ever try and make the first move?

 

Actually, I am very approachable and chatty. I seem to always be talking to people. I really have no problem meeting people. They seem very interested and like me and all, but simply wont make the effort. This lack of effort makes me feel so value-less and unimportant. Is it so much to ask for the guy to make the plan? To contact me? To pick me up?

 

Granted, part of this is specific to one individual that was a bad situation on both his and my parts from the get go due to circumstances in my life. But I am trying to move on and it seems all the men out there are the same way. Preferring Text and IM to actually speaking or meeting. Or they hound me and then that just scares me. I realize right now might be a bad time for me to get something going due to the past relationship not being completely out of my system yet. But I would really love tips on adding value and how to get a guy to chase me.... Dang, I hate games--relationship types anyway!

[george237]

You might not be making them feel like you are interested in them. Maybe you come off as a flirt and the guys think they will be wasting thier time.

 

Or you could just have some bad luck.

[ramsickle1369]

How would you say you come accross to these men?

 

Do you seem like the "fun girl?"

Do you seem like the girl that has goals and plans?

 

Are you overly available when they do contact you? Do you have too much spare time or do you have a busy schedule?

 

I don't know if it's so much as low self esteem as lower standards for how men should treat you. You sell yourself short for some reason or another. Is it possible that you are very much hoping for a serious relationship so you try to be as little complicated as possible?

 

I am usually a "fun" person--or so I"m told. Not a party girl or anything, but I have a great sense of humor and have a fun time with most people. I have goals and plans and am working on making things happen, but thngs are slow right now. I definitely have too much free time on my hands (if you consider spending the weekends in my condo alone). I haven't met anyone that I am willing to make that same effort for that I used to in the past. I do go out most the time, maybe half the week has something planned in it. I know that this one guy, I would drop everything to be with him (again, is that really wrong?) I've since stopped since things aren't what they used to be and he's not calling any more.

 

I don't know that I am trying to accomplish anything, at least not consciously. I've historically had serious relationships, and am at a place where that's the last thing I want. I want to hang out and have fun (and have sex) and not have to worry about "cheating" if I do meet someone else. However, this last guy kept telling me that he didn't want a serious relationship (which confused me completely!)

 

I don't think I have ever been considered a complicated person. I'm pretty easy going and simple. Lately, tho, I am a bit jaded and fearful so I may come accross a little standoffish.

[Casey13]

Most men like a challange when it comes to pursuing women. Although you may be very attractive and fun with an awsome personality if you make yourself too available and easy to please men will walk all over that or just get bored and leave. If something is more challenging to get a man will pursue it and when he gets it he feels that he achieved something. If you offer yourself too quickly and are overly easy going men may lose interest. In your case I would just right from the start give off a vibe like you are a bit more challanging to please and that a man you are interested in is required to make some effort to get his reward which is you.

[ramsickle1369]

You might not be making them feel like you are interested in them. Maybe you come off as a flirt and the guys think they will be wasting thier time.

 

Or you could just have some bad luck.

 

Possibly. I am a flirt. I just like to joke around. But still, once I do meet someone that I'm interested in that had expressed interest in me, how do I get them to make the effort to see me? I don't know, Maybe I'm just over thinking it because I am lonely???

[ImThatGirl]

Couple of things that I've learned over time.

 

- Never be willing to drop everything to make time for anyone. Unless it's a best friend or close family that have a dire need for you and ask for your time, do not cancel your current plans. Just my opinion.

 

- Never seem too available. I think of the times that I used to sit by my phone and hope that so and so would call so I could rush to do something with him. How pathetic I was.

 

- Don't contact them first always. Let them come to you.

 

- Sex - Okay so you like casual sex and that's fine. But still, don't just give it up.

 

- Make a guy work for your attention.

 

From what you have written, it sounds to me like you are more interested in just having fun and fulfilling your needs. Or at least you are coming accross that way. Even though guys will have fun with you, they may not look at you as a girl that they care to make an effort with. Afterall, why should they send flowers or chase after you if you are already available to them?

[ramsickle1369]

I totally hear you guys. Thank you... But I still need action steps, examples if you will... I am a lttle lost on WHAT I should do differently...

 

In your case I would just right from the start give off a vibe like you are a bit more challanging to please and that a man you are interested in is required to make some effort to get his reward which is you.

 

Yeah, that's me... "too easy". Dang, I am easy going and it seems like so much effort to play this game. So, then, what exactly do I do? How do I show that I'm not waiting by the phone?

 

- Never be willing to drop everything to make time for anyone. Unless it's a best friend or close family that have a dire need for you and ask for your time' date=' do not cancel your current plans. Just my opinion.[/quote']

 

OK, I get that one.

 

- Sex - Okay so you like casual sex and that's fine. But still' date=' don't just give it up.[/quote']

 

ok ok... you're right. But it's sooo hard to wait! AHHH!

 

- Make a guy work for your attention.

again, how do I do that?

 

- From what you have written' date=' it sounds to me like you are more interested in just having fun and fulfilling your needs. Or at least you are coming accross that way. Even though guys will have fun with you, they may not look at you as a girl that they care to make an effort with. Afterall, why should they send flowers or chase after you if you are already available to them?[/quote']

Right now I really do not want anything serious, but I don't want it to be non-existant either? Is there really no in between?

[ImThatGirl]

I totally hear you guys. Thank you... But I still need action steps, examples if you will... I am a lttle lost on WHAT I should do differently...

 

 

 

Yeah, that's me... "too easy". Dang, I am easy going and it seems like so much effort to play this game. So, then, what exactly do I do? How do I show that I'm not waiting by the phone?

 

Tell us the typical scenario. You meet guy and then how does it play out?

 

 

 

OK, I get that one.

 

 

 

ok ok... you're right. But it's sooo hard to wait! AHHH!

I know it's hard to wait. But if you start waiting, it sometimes gets easier.

 

 

again, how do I do that?

 

 

Right now I really do not want anything serious, but I don't want it to be non-existant either? Is there really no in between?

 

I don't know if there is an in between. It seems that most guys either want a serious relationship or they want sex at their convenience. If you sleep with them with no commitment or strings attached, they can do as they please without giving thought to how it affects you.

[ImThatGirl]

Trying to think of suggestions. Thing is though, if you get a guy working for your attention, it's sometimes guys with a different agenda, like one that wants or is considering a serious relationship.

 

Honestly, I have always been so bad about dating. Chase, chase, chase. Availbable, available, available. Eck.

 

This summer what I have done differently. I have stayed very busy. In some ways, I make it clear that I am interested but if asked to go camping the weekend coming up (after meeting,) politely decline. (Ohhhh I'd love to but I already have plans.) But in turn say but we could do something on "specific" day (next Wednesday.)

 

After showing initial interest, I rarely initiate any conversation with the guys I have interest in. This means no text msg's / no calls. (I do sometimes break this rule but mostly stick to this rule.) It seems to help draw interest. Although I do have some reservations of if this makes it seem I am not interested at all. I am usually quite responsive when they contact me.

 

The guy I am kind of dating now (been on 2 dates with in the last 4 weeks..) I talked with him for a long time (2.5 months) before meeting him for our first date. I didn't show much interest but did show how busy my life was and how many fun activity's we do with family and such.

 

One other thing... as far as flowers and gifts. For the first time this spring, I had a couple people that were very generous with dinners and gifts, etc. Both of these people, I was only slightly interested with. I think that when a guy see's a girl they are interested in, they sometimes will do anything to show that girl...

[george237]

Upon first meeting someone I would try and come accross as

1. a little hard to get.

2. Busy with your career or life

3. Smart

4. Funny

5. Most importantly sexy.

[ramsickle1369]

Upon first meeting someone I would try and come accross as

1. a little hard to get.

2. Busy with your career or life

3. Smart

4. Funny

5. Most importantly sexy.

 

Cute... I guess I've got 3, 4 and 5 down. I need to make #2 a bigger presense so that #1 will just happen I guess...??

 

As I've been listening to you guys, I've been realizing that I know what I want, but perhaps my actions are saying something different. I am very driven and simply go after what I want. It's ahrd to not contact someone when I am thinking about him all the time! It really drives me crazy.

 

Lately, I've been feeling so rejected that I don't even want to get out there at all. I guess it's just fear and perhaps it will dissapate in time.

 

Thanks for everything! I feel a little better. This nasty cold sore I've gotten (first one ever!!!) isn't helping at all!

[george237]

Yeah do your best not to call more then once a week or so for the first couple of dates. I don't care how into a girl I am after the first date if she calls on a daily or semi-daily basis I think she is moving way to fast and it freaks me out.

[ramsickle1369]

After showing initial interest' date=' I rarely initiate any conversation with the guys I have interest in. This means no text msg's / no calls. (I do sometimes break this rule but mostly stick to this rule.) It seems to help draw interest. Although I do have some reservations of if this makes it seem I am not interested at all. I am usually quite responsive when they contact me.[/quote']

 

EXACTLY! I am afraid they will think I'm not interested. Altho this seems to be the way to KEEP them chasing... acting uninterested... EEEK! This is annoying!

 

One other thing... as far as flowers and gifts. For the first time this spring' date=' I had a couple people that were very generous with dinners and gifts, etc. Both of these people, I was only slightly interested with. I think that when a guy see's a girl they are interested in, they sometimes will do anything to show that girl...[/quote']

 

Yep, seems to be that way. I made out with a guy on a bus to Mammoth and he sent flowers to my office! I was impressed, but not all that interested in him.

 

Dating is very new to me as I only had two boyfriends in my past, both long term relationships, one I married! And this isn't a trend I want to continue.

[george237]

Dating is exciting, you never know what your gonna get or how it will trun out.

[ramsickle1369]

Yeah do your best not to call more then once a week or so for the first couple of dates. I don't care how into a girl I am after the first date if she calls on a daily or semi-daily basis I think she is moving way to fast and it freaks me out.

 

OK... excellent advice. Thanks... I have a hard time NOT contacting him. There's one that's been ongoing for some time and I get WAY overly excited and want to talk to him all the time. I can tell this is the wrong thing to do becasue he stops responding all the time. Why is it so darn hard to NOT contact him? It's like I need to hide from all electronic devices so that I can NOT contact him! Try try try. One day I will learn... I hope

 

Thanks so much guys. I feel like I have a game plan that I can try to stick to!

[george237]

OK... excellent advice. Thanks... I have a hard time NOT contacting him. There's one that's been ongoing for some time and I get WAY overly excited and want to talk to him all the time. I can tell this is the wrong thing to do becasue he stops responding all the time. Why is it so darn hard to NOT contact him? It's like I need to hide from all electronic devices so that I can NOT contact him! Try try try. One day I will learn... I hope

 

Thanks so much guys. I feel like I have a game plan that I can try to stick to!

 

Fill your free time with activities of some sort. This way you spend less time thinking about your new guy. Good luck

[ramsickle1369]

Fill your free time with activities of some sort. This way you spend less time thinking about your new guy. Good luck

 

Thanks. Surprisingly, I am actually quite busy trying to not think of this one--but no matter what I am doing, he's there in my thoughts. He actually distracts me from what I need to do. That's the hardest part of it all. And he's not as interested... so I have to disappear...

[ImThatGirl]

Ramsickle, while I was on my way hope, I thought of something.

 

Do you strike up conversation with these men or do you wait for them to come to you?

 

(not that I think a girl can't initiate convo.)

 

Just think everytime before you send a text "have I sent enough already? will I appear clingy and scare this guy away if I text..."

 

I suspect what is happening is that guys may be thinking that even though you are saying you aren't interested in a relationship, you are truly hoping for something in the long run but they only had their mind set out to have fun as you came accross as the "fun girl."

 

Also, what type of guys are you hanging out with?

 

Guys - - - How does that work? If a guy starts spending time with fun girl, does he usually expect that it will change into more? Can it change into more?

[ramsickle1369]

Do you strike up conversation with these men or do you wait for them to come to you?

Generally, yeah I start conversations about just about anything... Sometimes I am a little less loose and wait and see if they come to me. Does it make any difference? What do you think?

 

Just think everytime before you send a text "have I sent enough already? will I appear clingy and scare this guy away if I text..."

yeah. basically I have sent enough and send one last one. Then get irritated that he doesn't respond. Stupid--I know.

 

I suspect what is happening is that guys may be thinking that even though you are saying you aren't interested in a relationship' date=' you are truly hoping for something in the long run but they only had their mind set out to have fun as you came accross as the "fun girl." [/quote'] This is possible. I like to have fun, but this one in particular developed into more and perhaps my actions were saying the opposite of what I wanted..? Truth is, I like him a lot... but I don't want to be tied down. But I want to talk to him every day. Maybe I'm just confused?

 

Also' date=' what type of guys are you hanging out with?[/quote'] right now, none. I am fearful of letting another person in because I will either like them too much or not enough.

 

Guys - - - How does that work? If a guy starts spending time with fun girl' date=' does he usually expect that it will change into more? Can it change into more?[/quote']

 

I'm curious too...? I suppose it depends on each person?

[ImThatGirl]

.l.......................

[ramsickle1369]

I don't know if it truly makes a difference. I've had experience with both too.. Do you push conversation even if the person seems somewhat uninterested?

No... Not really. I know when to stop.

Did he seem to want more. I think all in all your actions may be contradicting in a way. It doesn't seem like you know what you want for sure. (I don't think I do either... I'm right there with ya.) Love that though - like him a lot, don't want to be tied down, want to talk to him everyday. lol I can relate - like this guy, don't want a serious relationship, but like to hear from him often. How are these guys to know? Yet, if we put ourselves out there too much..... sigh...

exactly. It's kind of a self-destructive system, isn't it? How do we handle it when we aren't ready ourselves? Hmmm... have been getting either emotionally attached to some of these men. OR you are emotionally attached to the idea of having someone to count on and spend time with and get attention from. Can't there be some median, some situation that is just right? (That is a question for myself as well btw.)

I think it's a little of both. I wasn't attached to the guy until he started puling away. I am very attached to the idea of being partnered up. I love having a SO. But I don't know that I'm ready to have someone exclusive.

Is it that we want to be in a relationship but we have an anxiety/fear of admitting that because if we do, then we have expectations which we've learned mean disappointment?

wow.... scary when you hit the nail on the head. I definitely share some serious fears. I was hurt and was left feeling so unappreciated and unimportant--but that's a totally separate issue.