Always so lonely

[mr me]

I remember feeling like this a long time ago. I just couldnt believe that someone could just feel so alone. I remember the person i talked to who i never met before it was just someone online telling me that is just how it is. I still dont really believe that you can be this alone forever. I brought up that i spoke to someone online that i never meet before because i seem to get along with people better who i dont know at all that i meet randomly online. I basically stopped myself from doing that anymore because i knew it wasnt a substitute for a person in your everyday life. Ive gone out with 2 girls online and it was probably the worst experiences of my life. One, i never got to meet them and secondly they caused me so much pain its really no way to describe it.

 

I remember when i found my 1st love i completely felt good about everything and in the end thats what really screwed me over because it all blew up in my face. I then met my second ex and she basically told me that i should belong in a crazy home because i was suicidal and couldnt get over my first ex. I cant really explain how i felt but having that back to back was so painful that my memory has blocked it all out. I almost seemed trapped in that in someways because im not able to move on.

 

I grew up alone in my grandmas house with cousins and aunts and even around my friends i feel really alone. I always have them bring up how they dont know how i ended up being so normal. I guess now i see im nothing close to normal now but i tried before. I realized i grew up trying to do all the things that i saw other people do that made them successful or do good in life. I thought that same thing would happen to me but all i see is that im stuck in a world where everything i try doesnt work. So now ive been able to learn somewhat from that eventho i cant explain how crazy it was. It was just always the feeling of me doing everything i can and what i thought would work and it never did. I just feel like things dont go my way so often that i almost try and try to just get anything to go my way and it still doesnt. Its just i dont really know how to not try so hard all the time.

 

Ive tried to look at the goodside but idk how many people know what its like when things are so bad that looking on the goodside isnt enough. Ive been depressed basically for as long as i can remember because of all the stuff ive had to go thru with my family and also the abandonment ive felt basically all my life. I have no close friends or family, i have really no support system. I basically deal with all my own problems. I almost go the whole day and dont really talk to anyone about stuff i like. Im intense, introverted, anxious, different, quiet, educated, sophisticated, idealistic, co-dependent, depressed, complicated, and nice. I basically dont even know where to start because i dont mind being like that but i havent been able to deal with my life and its been tearing me into pieces.

 

I want to try therapy but i dont really know what therapy will do for me knowing how im going thru the same problems i had before when i had therapy. Im stubborn, sensitive, and overly critical/sarcastic and it just seems like things are too difficult or i make them that way. Its just thats my personality so i dont know what i can do about it. I basically have had to develop this type of trance place i go to into my mind to keep me away from all of this making me self-destruct. Im trying to deal with my really bad obsessive behavior and my anger which together have made me go thru and think of some pretty scary stuff. I dont think i really could ever talk about just how dark my mind has gone. It was like pitch black for so long and it even scares me some of the stuff that my mind thought about and i dont really know why i would even think about that. I just couldnt really deal with my life and not being able to cope can make everything in your life seem impossible.

I basically just wore myself out because im just so out of it. I just dont know what to say anymore.

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

I'm having a really bad day today.

 

Just been reading your post. Not sure I understand everything but if you have tried therapy before could you not do so again. A different kind may be beneficial to you.

 

You seem so lost. I know that feeling your not alone with these feelings. Most people experience feelings of loss at some time or other in their lives it just depends on how we deal with it.

 

I'm not dealing with mine to well today so not great giving advice in honesty but thought I would try to give you some support.

 

Your really not alone

 

Tina

[mgirl]

Life sucks, we've all gotta make the most of it. Ask 'God' to hold your hand and tell me whether he (or she? or "it"), gives you an answer Yayyyy, ain't life grand?!

[SchecterGuy]

It happens. After my ex left I thought I would just rebuild my social life and I would be all good. Well I would go out and even when around people I still felt lonely. I am about to move in with two very social people and probably meet a lot of people. But I will always get this sense like they will never understand me. I am sure even at a crowded bbq I will still be lonely to death. I want to move back home to be closer to my best friend and family. Unfortunately that would result in me quitting grad school and a loss of about $12K in tuition without a degree. I feel your pain man.

[thursday]

Mr. Me, just like many others here on the forum, I feel compassion for you. From the way you wrote this and some earlier posts, it seems to me that you're blaming others too much for your misery. Again, I can see why and know it's not easy to take a more positive perspective.

 

You're coming here to ask for help and guidance, but perhaps most importantly a sense of love and compassion. While members of the forum can help you with all this, you have to realise this is only temporary. The inside will reflect again on the outside. The lack of self-love you're experiencing will show up again and again in your external reality.

 

You've got to see this pattern for yourself by rereading your posts here. Ask yourself the question for how long you still want to hold on to this. What if you continue doing this for a month, six months, a year, two years and so on?

 

Surely a part of you will tell me to F off because it's not your fault. I understand this, but no-one will ever really understand your situation as well as you can. This alone gives you great advantages, you already know (a lot of) your strengths and weaknesses.

 

I think it would be important for you to continue your hard work (building confidence) regardless of what's feeling empty and dull. You already know what to do, you know there's no magical pill to turn things around instantly. Only you have the key to break free. This dark cage you're in, it's an illusion of your mind and you're going to transcend it in time if you take courage and keep on going to increase your strengths. Don't wear yourself out all the time, nurture yourself with things you like to do, food you like to eat and so on. Good luck!

[mr me]

I appreciate what everyone wrote. I dont know what exactly is different from the 1st posts i wrote on this site till now but there is a big difference. I basically remember people almost talking me down or saying really negative things. I just feel like now i somehow got past that and i dont know how. Im not a person that doesnt try to do things to help myself. Im actually really confused alot of the time because i see myself doing things that i know arent helping me but i dont seem to be able to do anything about them. I also just remembered before i would always try to act like i didnt need help so i guess thats one of the differences.

 

I have really bad moodswings that can make things kinda scary for me. I feel like i had one just recently for about a week. I dont know if thats possible but thats the only way i could explain how i felt. I really just get sick of trying to do things and having things continue to be so difficult for myself. I dont really feel like that will ever change but its not something that makes me feel good or helps me so its almost frustrating to the point of insanity sometimes. Ive had to endure unimaginable pain in my life and its something i continue to deal with. I dont know i think most people would know not to blame others but because i seem to have an OCD or obsessive problem i cant really hold it in. So i have to do whatever is bothering me or ill hold it in and it gets alot worse. I also have an anger problem from being nice to alot of people growing up and them treating me like crap. I guess nice people that grow up in unhealthy patterns somehow dont learn to not be nice to certain people. I guess most people learn that from experience but my experiences are almost crippling me. I also held all that anger in because i thought if i ever needed to use it then i could use all of my built of anger. I guess thats not how it worked out and i ended up having to deal with holding it in so long that it turned into this rage that ive had to try and control.

 

I can say all people go thru different things but most people idk if they can understand that some people just seem to be troubled and go thru stuff that most people will never have to go thru. I will say an example because its been bothering me all today. Ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over 1.5 years and have done everything i could to not act on them. Ive fought myself and pleaded with myself. I then out of nowhere got hurt trying to clear this stupid gate at a supermarket because it was blocking the payphone. That was the only way thru it because the doors were locked at a certain time. I then fell trying to clear the gate because of these stupid crates and i hurt my shin really bad and have this cut on my wrist. I now look like i tried to slit my wrist. Ive done everything i could to stop myself from hurting myself and now i have to walk around like i did hurt myself. I guess thats irony in every sense of the word and pretty cruel irony.

 

Im trying everyday to deal with my battles but some battles you just cant win so i guess now i have to learn to deal with everything that comes with that. Im just not very good at it.

[mr me]

I dont really know what happened but im actually feeling alot worse then i was before. I just dont know why with everything im trying that i still feel this way. I really just wish that somehow someone could just take this all away. I just know thats not how it works. It just seems like it never works for me.

[thursday]

Perhaps many here really can't even imagine what you've been going through all your life and that really sucks. I don't know if anyone here could give you appropriate advice just because of that. If you haven't already, please seek out a qualified medical professional (again). If you can't do this because of financial issues, you can PM me for an alternative approach if you like.

[tina-rocks]

I wish with all my heart the pain you are feeling subsides. If I could take it on board with my own I truly would for you.

 

I am here if you need me.

 

Tina x

[mr me]

I dont think that saying that you would take on my pain is a smart thing. I just hope it was something nice that you would say. Im still not really sure if ill go to therapy but my life problems seem to continue on so i dont know. I really felt like i hit rock bottom last night and its a really hard thing to explain. I just knew that i didnt want to be like this anymore. I just kept feeling like eventho i was trying i couldnt really do much. I guess now im putting myself in a position to do things. Its just more stuff keeps on happening.

 

I have this guy at my job that i thought seemed kinda cool and we seemed to get along most of the time. I guess then one day he was being a super a-hole to me. I didnt know him that well but i didnt see me trying to become any closer to him. So at first i kinda stayed away from him. I know everyone has there bad days but i usually know not to take it out on anyone. I dont really see it like anything else would come from that. I knew that there are somethings about us that were really different but i was just seeing how things would work out. I guess now hes always kinda trying to be nice to me but it only seems like that when he does something messed up. I dont really care and have learned to not really stay thinking about stuff like that. It just makes working with him really awkward now. Im just moving on and he doesnt seem to be.

 

I guess the biggest thing for me is that my aunt found out that my mom put a house under her name. I dont know if co-signing a house for someone you dont know is illegal which i dont think it is but i dont think its a good idea. Its just my mom worked with my cousin and got me and my aunt to do that. We were supposed to get some money out of it. I didnt want to do it because i dont trust my mom but i decided to do it anyways. I realized that the house went to foreclosure and its on my credit. So i owe money for a cable bill that was never payed and i think the last month. I talked to my mom and she said she would talk to lawyers to get my name off of it. Ive tried to talk to my mom but my mom doesnt really pick up her phone so i never got to. I also have had enough of my own problems to have to deal with my mom. My aunt found out that nothing was payed on the house so idk if my mom did it again without her knowing it or it was the same house that she did in the first place. I dont really need to know how stupid that is but when your young and it has to do with family somehow stupid stuff just seems to happen. I also know that it happens all over the place and probably will continue to happen. I just sometimes think about how my pretty much lack of relationship with my mom affects me. I probably dont even know how it does but im sure in some messed up way it does affect me. I guess what they always say is time will tell but most of the time i just get tired of everything to really think about it. I guess thats also because its been so much that i really havent been able to deal with it.

[healthseeker]

I wish I could take your pain away.

[Xetra Dax]

Well i see it like this, you might know the game patience on your computer. You keep struggling with the cards until you solve the problem, life seems to be like that you just need to keep on sorting the pieces of the puzzle till everything is in place, giving up won't work, the puzzle will remain incomplete, but if you don't give up and keep puzzling vigioursly then after a long time or a short while , you will complete the puzzle.

 

Life is pretty much the same, we struggle with all sorts of problems and just like the game patience, it can be very annoying when you get stuck to the point where you have to start all over again, persistance is the key to succes. And i believe that in life persistance is necessary , and needed in order not to give in to the punches that life gives to us.

 

Its like an eternal boxing game, giving up will never make you gain anything. Its like you can only move on to the next level if you beat your opponent, which means you have to keep on struggling to get to the next level.

[mr me]

I guess i will say that i was once a person that felt like to my ex i wanted to help her or take her pain away. Its just after all the crazy stuff ive had to go thru i know that is really the worst thing i could of done for myself. I did everything i could for someone else and it left me with doing nothing for myself. Im still struggling with trying to get over that and not seeing all the good in my life coming from her.

 

I also wanted to talk about giving up because it seems like alot of people say that. I dont feel like gettin frustrated is giving up. I also think if you ever get frustrated at doing anything then the best thing to do is just get away from it for awhile and go back when things are better. So i never see myself giving up but being a depressed person everything is taken as the worst possible way. So one second i could be the most miserable person you would know and then i might just not be. Its just im not really sure how to work thru it so i dont have such a battle with how high i get sometimes and how low i get. I also feel like i know alot of stuff and ur advice was good but i dont care what you know, there are certain things that nothing can prepare you for. You just have to go thru it and get it over with if thats possible. Its just i dont know how you deal with years of your life feeling like this. I feel like there are certain things that i dont know if you could really ever be ok with. I would imagine if you lost one of your kids that you try to move on but at the same time its always gonna be kinda hard. I guess i gave you one of my metaphors, idk if thats the right word but i cant remember what its really called.

[thursday]

You're breaking free from your depression by moving in the direction you think is the right one. It's all about communication. Having a lot of pain from the past causes stress and thus resistances in your mind and body, that's why things seem like they will never get back to normal and "natural". This can be a very powerful illusion. By taking the right choices continually, (I believe) you'll be able to remove these resistances.

 

Being frustrated might actually be a good sign, a sign of progress. It's by facing these limiting emotions completely that they can be understood and made peace with in time. You don't want to fight this process though, instead welcome the frustration and observe it, move into it deeper.

 

Seek out a good therapist if you can, that might work well to keep you on track when you're in doubt.

[sti_2004]

have you tried reading the bible to help you through these dark times??

 

It works.

 

Thats why i posted this.