NC was broken.... again...

[giggle3474]

(First off I am SORRY this is so LONG!!)

 

I have been back and forth on debating whether I should post this on ENA. I just get frustrated because none of you know me, or my ex or really whats in our heads so a lot of times the typical advice just isn't applicable to the situation. But I figure I'll give it a shot because Im at a loss with how to proceed from here.

 

So we went to dinner on Friday night. We kinda did the small talk thing for awhile and then I finally just said how is that time and space thing working out for you? He said it's ok - I mean Im not depressed or anything but Im not overly happy either. We talked some more and I don't remember many more details of the conversation. Anyhow, I had wanted to go get a drink and he had to go pick up his son so he said how about next weekend... and I said fine. I told him he should stop by later and he said ok.

 

He ended up showing up at my house at 5am. He has a key so he just came in. I was sleeping and he laid down next to me and hugged me and kissed me. He obviously had been drinking but he wasn't totally wasted or anything. He told me that he had missed me, he was hugging me and he says, "I like this. You feel so comfortable to me. Im so comfortable with you" and I said" isn't that a good thing?" and he said" NO! I shouldnt feel this way about you. I shouldn't be so comfortable. It confuses things." and then I said "comfortable like an old shoe? Does tha mean your not attracted to me anymore?" and he said" hell no. Im VERY attracted to you. Your beautiful and sexy and our sex life is awesome." and he kissed me a few more times and said, "oh Kayla - what am I going to do with you?" At that point, I was feeling very encouraged but then he pulled back and he said he still didn't know what he wanted to be when he grew up , he needed to figure out things for his life and he had to do that on his own. So I just looked at him and said ok and i turned over. Then he grabbed me and he said 'wait-you don't have anything to say to me?' and I told him I felt like I had told him everything already that there was nothing more that I could say. And then he just kept explaining himself and so on. It was as if he wanted me to talk him out of what he was saying. And he said "I don't know-maybe I need to miss you more" and he admitted that he had missed me but he said he wouldn't admit it again and only me and his best friend knew because they had been talking about me. He said half of him knows that we will be happy together and half of him has doubts about whether we should be together.

 

He says he feels like he should feel a certain way. That he shouldn't have any doubts and that it should be black and white, cut and dry. I don't know how to argue that? I have doubts myself and that certain feeling is the one he has that makes him miss me, the one he has when he talks to his friend about me, the one that makes him say I care about you more than im comfortable with admitting. So he does have that feeling but it scares him to death and so he avoids it or supresses it.

 

And he hasn't had a relationship in 13 years. Of course you're gonna have doubts. Of course it's scary. He says he just feels like he can't be with me because he doesn;t want to hurt me, he doesn't want to drag me through the mud. I asked if he was talking about cheating on me and he said no he would never cheat on me but to me, thats the worse he could do... He actually said to me, "I can deal with you thinking I'm an A$$ . Im ok with that. But I think that one day you'll thank me for this." I can't believe he actually said that. He also said, "you never know...maybe 5 years down the road we will run into each other and remember how much we liked each other and get back together."

 

He says if it's meant to be, it will happen. While I do agree with that, I still think destiny is not without human intervention. But since we broke up, we have spent 2 wonderful weekends together. We keep coming back together. . .

 

We did spend the entire weekend together and when he was leaving yesterday I said, "I had a great time with you and I don't want to stop talking to you again or stop seeing you. Please trust me with this." and he said, "Kayla - we had a great weekend but that doesn't change anything." I said I knew it didn't change anything but he's missed me and it's not fair just to show up every few weeks to get his 'Kayla fix". He laughed at me and I said I want to go out next weekend and he said I'll talk to you later.

 

I just don't know what to do now. I thought about posting this on the board but I don't want to hear everyones negative advice. I honestly feel that my situation is not typical so the typical advice doesn't really play out.

 

I know he has had a rough past and really hurt the people that cared for him. I know that he has been let down a lot too. I think because of this, he thinks he's an A$$ and I don't think he thinks he deserves an untainted relationship like we had. And because of his huge gaps in relationships, of course he is scared. Our relationship is pure and good. There is no malice, no game playing, no dishonesty, etc. At face value, I think he knows that but at the same time I feel like by the time it gets into his brain, his pessimistic, negativity has flipped it into something that makes him unsure, something that makes him feel suffocated, something ugly.

 

I also think that his age is affecting him. He has just turned 36 and truthfully is right now where he should have been at 26. An ok job - but not a career, lives with roommates, drives an old car. But he lived a fast and crazy life when he was that age and was into doing and selling drugs and it really set him back. He is on the straight and narrow right now (i have NO doubt about that) but it's like he's playing catch up. I feel as if he has an internal struggle with acting his age yet still wanting to live a younger lifestyle. I think it depresses him that he hasn't accomplished a lot thus far so maybe he just feels like its easier to give in rather than push himself to achieve more. But then he gets angry because he hasn't achieved more.

 

I told him we can figure that all out. We can sit and tlak about what he likes, what he's good at, what jobs are in high demand, what does he see himself doing, etc. And then see what jobs are out there that match up. That will at least give him a starting point. He says that's something he needs to do on his own. I said obviously it's not something I can do for him but things like that are always easier when you have someone to give you support. I keep him grounded, I keep him out of trouble, I push him and encourage him.

 

So at this point. Im kind of lost. I feel slightly content that he revealed a lot of his feelings to me. It helps me know that our bond is very strong and I think we will keep being drawn together. But at the same time, his words and his actions dont match up. All weekend he was his old sweet self. Holding my hand, smacking my butt, playing with my hair, etc...

 

Im kind of happy but kind of sad. I want every day to be like last weekend. I don't know how to approach him so he'll see... I dont think NC is the best approach because I still want this to work out. He may miss me, he may call me but if I don't respond, I don't think he will act on that. I think me going NC will make him think that Im just another person that gave up on him because he doesn't deserve more. I think pushing him will irritate him. UGH! Im at wit's end.

[okay]

If I were U I would tell him decide either U want me or U don’t, because I wouldn’t want to leave on & off. But, predicting from the past that how it’s going to be. Can U leave your life like this? U want this to work at any cost, because U’re under influence of “love”, but if this is was U’r friend talking, U wouldn’t want U’r friend to leave like this.

 

Yea he had bad past, but that doesn’t give him right to make bad future, U’re human being too, who get impacted by him.

[kuhl282000]

Personally I think NC can backfire on you .....I really like what you said in your post. You sound like a very caring person ......more then likely you do keep this guy grounded. And more then likely he needs you more then you or himself will ever know.

 

If you just leave him out there ....more then likely false pride will kick in. I suggest you just be really honest with each other and take it from there. Sometimes love does win out in the end. It sounds like your heart is in the right place for sure.

 

Go get your guy....fight for him

 

Good Luck

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>"Kayla - we had a great weekend but that doesn't change anything."

 

He's telling you right there that you are going to have to accept the life with him the way he sees it, not the way you see it. And it sounds like what that relationship is is to show up every few weeks for a hot weekend, then he drops off again. You already recognize that pattern.

 

I know you don't want 'negative' advice, but I think you have to look at everything he says together here, and he is not saying that he is going to work on anything or change anything in order to be together. And he's putting a timeline way into the future, saying the MAYBE 5 years in the future you might get back together. So that's a clear statement that you are not together now in his own mind. So your weekends don't mean you're a couple in his mind, just a fun sweet time for him.

 

And saying you'll thank him later and he doesn't want to drag you thru the mud is saying something very important, and you need to specifically get him to tell you what that means. He said it didn't mean cheating, but he didn't say what it meant. Given that he's a former drug dealer and addict, it begs the question that more may be going on in his life than he is telling you about related to drugs (selling or using).

 

You backed away from pursuing that question as to what mud he was talking about, and that is crucial to understanding what he was talking about as his reason for not being with you.

 

A big mistake people make in relationships is seeing someone's potential or what they think is the potential, rather than looking at the way things are now and working with that. You can hope and hope and that won't change anything unless both people are working towards the goal of being together and making a happy relationship. He's not agreeing to working on anything with you.

 

So your task is to either accept him exactly the way he is (i.e., that you have fun weekends together then he disappears for long periods of time) or to get him to commit to working together as a couple to solve any problems that are keeping you apart. Right now your situation is that you are participating in these fun weekends and trying to negotiate with him (i.e., find him a good job), and he is saying, no thank you, i want to be on my own and do things myself.

 

So if you want to keep trying, let it float for a while and see where it goes. But you need to pace your expectations to where he is now, and find out what is going on with him and that 'mud' thing. It might be more serious than you know, either a return to the world of drugs (selling or using), or else he knows he may not want to be in the kind of relationship you want to have, so he is being sincere in saying he doesn't want to hurt you (because he knows he will not be giving you what you want).

 

You can't be his therapist, but might encourage him to see one, if you think the problem is some deep seated fear he has.

[giggle3474]

we had a good long conversation last night but unfortunatley i dont think things are any clearer. I realize that we are not together right now and that our great weekends don't mean comittment. I laid it all out for him about my suspicians about his fears and everything that I spoke of in my initial post. He says I bring up some really good points and that he agrees with all of it. I said since he already has plans the next two weekends, why don't we spend the next 2 weeks without communicating at all and after 2 weeks, we will have been broken up 2 months. So at that time, we can begin to talk about what he needs vs. what i need to make a relationship work. He says I can't put that kind of time limit on him. Ok while I kind of agree with that, at the same time - Im tired of all of this back and forth. He doesn't want to be obligated to anyone this moment, he doesnt know what he wants to do with me, he doesnt know what he wants me to do, he does know he doesnt want to lose me but.....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Giggle, i think you keep coming back to the same place... and him seeing you every couple weeks is fine with him, and anything more than that, or admission that you're a couple, is not what he wants.

 

What you need to try to avoid is being strung along for years in what is basically a friends with benefits relationship. That is exactly where you are right now, and he is perfectly happy with that. For someone who doesn't want commitment, that's the perfect situation. He gets to see you when he wants sex or some warm fuzzy feelings, but he owes you nothing and the rest of the time is one his own and free to do anything he wants, with anybody else he wants.

 

So you do have to decide what you want, and if he won't agree to be committed to you, you have to decide how long you are willing to be in this loose friends with benefits situation. It's like he agrees with you, pats you on the head, then goes off and does whatever he pleases without any progress towards giving you what you need.

 

You need to discover what your bottom line requirements are, and if he can't or won't give them to you, start dating other guys looking for someone who will. You are still young enough to find a partner and have kids, but I wouldn't waste more than another year or so on this one if you do want a family.