notsoanonymous Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 My former boyfriend and I had been together for almost a year and a half. Living together for 6 months in a rented apartment, he mentioned that perhaps we should buy a house. I was scared. I wanted a ring. I wanted love and commitment. I wanted to be cherished. But I gave into his desire and let it ride. So? We looked, we offered, we bought. The boxes were packed, the truck loaded and we moved in. It's 140 days later now and our relationship is over, at his wishes (and at this point, mine as well.) We own this big, beautiful house where he was to carry me over the threshold, where our babies would cry in their cribs, where we were to build together our own family. Last night I lay there alone, realizing that those dreams were now gone, shattered by his recklessness and inability to love himself enough to give me what I deserve - and my inability to love myself enough to stand up for what was right. Two years of my adult life thrown away with nothing to show for it but an adorable dog, a house I no longer want but cannot sell in the market, and a big lesson learned. Do they make a t-shirt for that? I know they make a country song for it Looking back I can see the mistakes, the signals and signs, things I should have said and times I should have said no to his actions and behaviors. Moments were I could have kept my cool or stood my ground. After all this time, I told him for the past few days that we had to give counseling a try. We owed it to each other to make one last stand at things, after the commitments we made financially and the ones we promised emotionally. He agreed and came home the following day to tell me he had thought it over again and was not going - in fact, he not only was not going, he was moving to his family for a few days to clear his head. After arguing for 45 minutes, he left but asked me to send him the info on therapy. When I asked why he said "I am going to be there." "Be there?" "Yes, you may not believe me, but I will be there." I was married in my heart to someone who couldn't give me his time let alone a ring - and he walked away a coward from his fear of failing again in life, love and marriage. Tomorrow night, we are scheduled to go to couples counseling. I am going myself, whether he is there or not. I think to myself "what is the use?" - why try and save what is already lost? I don't think he will show... and I don't know if I even want him to. I need to pick up my broken heart and move on. He left with his new bible in his hand, the one I gave him three weeks ago after the night he walked in the door late, and said: "I want you to know I love you more than anything. I'm sorry we have been fighting. I want to go to church. I think it would really help out with you and me." And now it's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 It might not be over. Give counselling a try. theres no point mulling over everything. Things are the way they are now, accept that because you can't change the past. Stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 While you do have my sympathy, I understand him far better. I never want to get remarried. I don't mind sharing my life with someone, but I am scared to death of another divorce. Give him some space and he may want to share his life with you again, just not with marriage. It doesn't make him bad because he don't want to get remarried. He should have made this very clear to you. If he did this, you have only yourself to blame. Some of us have found that marriage is not for us and if we are honest with others, we are still good people. Just learn to ask more questions and stand up for yourself when you want something. Yes, you would have lost him if you had done this, but it happened anyway, didn't it? Try to enjoy the house and get it ready for Mr. Right, who will love the idea of marrying you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted August 13, 2008 Author Share Posted August 13, 2008 I am the one out of the two of us who is pro-counseling. I don't believe he will show up which is why I'm so "who cares" about it. Thanks for the kind words. I'm trying but it's been ten days now that he has had me on the maybe/maybe not go to counseling roller coaster. And so for me at this point, I'm just drained and very done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted August 13, 2008 Author Share Posted August 13, 2008 I agree that it doesn't make you "bad" if you don't want to get remarried. Just don't represent yourself to the person in your life as wanting to marry them for two years in order to get the house and the dog - and then get cold feet and leave. At least step up to the plate and figure out a solution instead of bombing on someone out of the blue that it's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasper01 Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 ...the maybe/maybe not go to counseling roller coaster. You might suggest that you agree at this point that things should end, and ask him if he will go to counseling not necessarily to heal the relationship, but for closure and a more appropriate/formal ending, after he takes his space. Sometimes, a dialogue can be reopened then. He's being non-committal, but the truth is his mind is probably closed. It's true none of this is fair to you, but he's not thinking that way right now, he's being immature and can't really help it. In the meantime you'll need to give up hope and go through the loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted August 13, 2008 Author Share Posted August 13, 2008 Yeah Jasper, I get what you are saying. He had me on the roller coaster until last night when I finally said I was done waiting around for him to get his act together. He moved to his step dad's place for a few days until the appointment. It's unclear whether or not he will show, so I almost need to have a plan for either / or. I know that if he doesn't show, my plan is still to meet with the counselor regarding what I should do to deal with the break up - but if he is there, I just have no idea. Frankly, at this point I would rather he go live his life and leave me alone for a while, but we do still have to have contact due to owning the house together. That is the one thing I am unwilling to make a decision on yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 My personal opinion is, that I would never buy a house with another person while I'm single. I know that marriage doesn't guarantee that you'll be together forever, but I think purchasing a home together at that time gives you a better leg to stand on. This is just my opinion, and to each his own. Maybe counseling will help you both see things in a different light. Wishing you the best... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted August 13, 2008 Author Share Posted August 13, 2008 My personal opinion is, that I would never buy a house with another person while I'm single. I know that marriage doesn't guarantee that you'll be together forever, but I think purchasing a home together at that time gives you a better leg to stand on. This is just my opinion, and to each his own. Maybe counseling will help you both see things in a different light. Wishing you the best... Appreciate the opinion, but I think I have made it pretty clear I regret that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karmageddon Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 Oh, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. This is a great place for you to be though. Come talk to us, read through the posts, help others so you can help yourself. You will come to realize that there is nothing new under the sun here when it comes to being left behind. Someone has been there. That really stinks about the house. I have in my day felt like kicking myself for not doing things the "right" way or perhaps in the "right order" He got all the benefits with none of the risk & now you have this in your lap. You will learn from this like we all do. Keep your chin up, we are here if you need us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted August 13, 2008 Author Share Posted August 13, 2008 I know what has been so hard for me is that everything he has said has meant nothing because he hasn't followed through on his actions. I couldn't count on him to be true to his word. I very much came fourth behind his family, his friends, and himself (in that order). I know I deserved so much better than this - but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I've seen him be such a good man to others than I never once thought he wouldn't be good to me. Now I see he can't even be good to himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karmageddon Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 I know what has been so hard for me is that everything he has said has meant nothing because he hasn't followed through on his actions. I couldn't count on him to be true to his word. I very much came fourth behind his family, his friends, and himself (in that order). I know I deserved so much better than this - but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I've seen him be such a good man to others than I never once thought he wouldn't be good to me. Now I see he can't even be good to himself. Yeah, the realization process can be a real beyatch. Sometimes I will just be doing the most mundane thing and something he said will pop into my head & I will think to myself...DANGIT!! He never meant that either! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 It's my first evening alone in the house. It's so quiet here, just me and my dog, Ace. I'm so sad. I know it will get better, but right now I just want to go to sleep, wake up and let it all be a bad dream. I'd cry some more, but after 10 days I'm all cried out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 I admire you for standing up for yourself and taking charge by ending the relationhip instead of letting him mess you about. You should be so proud of yourself. You will get through this, you sound like a strong person to me, we all are on this site but we need to find that strength and use it. Well done! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
george237 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Well you have to figure out what you want to do with the house. If you are going to loose money on the house then offer him every dime he put into it and get him to sign it over. I am going through the same thing right now and it is absolute hell the longer you take to resolve this. I have to call her once a week and ask if she is ready to make a move. I would much rather not contact her and get on with my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.