What to do...?

[HaloDestroyer]

Hey everyone!

 

I'm in a bad place at the moment... Can't seem to focus my mind.

 

I've been in a relationship for 4 years now. I was 17 then, and this August I'll be turning 21.

 

We've had our ups and downs, but I don't feel like I'm in love anymore.

 

Thing is, looking back on it now, I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life, and I'm worrying that I'm getting too old to enjoy myself... I know it seems silly, being only nearly 21, but I'm not getting any younger, and since being with this girl, I've missed out on nearly all the nights out my friends of had in the last 4 years. I think I've been out twice, in total.

 

I feel like I'm not getting much out of this relationship personally, and that being in a couple is mostly only benefiting her.

 

It's not that I hate her... I care about her feelings, and try to make her happy, but I find she gets on my nerves more and more as of late, and her mannerisms make me cringe... I catch myself thinking "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this?".

 

Is that bad?

 

I'm really sensing it's time for a change for me... I could be doing so much more with my life; and all guilt-free - not having to ask for permission, or feel bad about anything.

 

Trouble is, I don't really know what to do; we practically live together - half of her stuff is at my house (none of mine at hers!), and I haven't ever had to break up with anyone before.

 

It's not like I can just fob her off, in the hope of her giving up after awhile... Things will need to be arranged - all her stuff will have to be picked up.

 

Whenever I try to talk about how I feel, she just doesn't want to know - "Shut up, I'm trying to watch T.V.", or whatever.

 

I want to do things. I'm doing my music degree; I want to go out every night, and move into a houseshare with my friends or bandmembers... But I can't. I want my life back!

 

Some help would be greatly appreciated... I don't know where I am right now.

 

Thanks.

 

Ben.

 

 

[redhearts]

Best way to put it: You grew up together. In those vital years, you basically grew up together and she became too accustomed to you. You hit the breaking point where its that "party mode" because your turning 21 and you come to realise you want something much different than you have now. Shes too comfortable in this relationship and you started to solely see her as a friend. I believe once the thought of break up hits your head its because deep down you know thats what you want, so you need to turn that t.v off and say we need a serious talk.

 

The longer you wait, the harder it is, the more she gets used to the idea of being with you and the harder it will be on her. It just won't be as hard for you because you want to do the breaking up and she will see this as suddenly. Just don't tell her you may later want to get back together, if its over its over.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think possibly you've grown up and out of the relationship. Its not fair to keep her hanging on if your not really all there. Let her go and move on.

[HaloDestroyer]

I'm scared of being alone after so long. But I know it's the right thing to do.

 

*Sigh*

 

Thanks for the help.

 

I really don't want to hurt her. Any tips on the best way to go about it?

 

Ben.

[SapphireNoir10]

Be firm. Be honest. Tell her what you've told us. And dont leave her any hope like 'Maybe in the future' Cut it off properly.

[redhearts]

You don't want to hurt her, but your hurting her more and hurting yourself as well if you stay in a lie. Don't be scared to be alone you know why? Because you want the whole roommate thing, you want to be going out, if you spend enough time with your friends like that you won't feel too lonely! So don't worry!

 

I think the best way to go about it is say exactly how you feel. The truth to sum it up, but take it easy. Tell her that you feel you have grown apart from each other and you like to be on your own and experience life a little differently.

 

& yes for Gods' sake don't give her a feeling there is hope to get back together. If its over, its over.

[soulmeetsbody]

People just change a lot before they're 25, it's completely normal not to see yourself ending up with someone you met at 17....especially if you feel like you're losing rather than gaining stuff from the relationship!

 

Is she perfectly happy in the relationship or not? Are you sure you do actually not love her anymore? Because you may be wanting independence so much and fantasizing over a single life so much you may forget you still have a strong and special bond with her even if the kind of relationship you have needs to change. If you're sure you don't feel anything anymore, do it very gently...4 years is a long time...